A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Of course.’ I released Stephen so he could unzip one of his suitcases. After rummaging around he pulled out a bag containing five small boxes of Sweet Tarts, my favourite American sweets. I opened a box immediately and popped one into my mouth before offering them to Stephen and Aubrey.

  ‘So has Billy been looking after you?’ The three of us sat down in the sitting room, ignoring the pile of suitcases by the door. The sound of laughter could be heard out in the back garden as Mum and Dad became acquainted with their grandchildren again.

  ‘Yes, but he’s been a bit distracted lately with his new girlfriend.’

  ‘Ah, Clare. Billy hasn’t told me that much about her. What’s she like?’

  ‘She’s nice.’ I didn’t mention the air of frostiness she reserved for me. ‘And for some reason she really likes Billy.’

  ‘He didn’t mention any head injury she’d suffered but I assume there has been one.’ Stephen and I grinned at each other and popped another Sweet Tart into our mouths while Aubrey nudged Stephen with her elbow.

  ‘Billy is lovely. A woman could do a lot worse.’

  ‘A woman could do a lot better,’ Stephen quipped and we both laughed, though we both thought Billy was pretty fantastic. Stephen wouldn’t have entrusted Billy with my care if he didn’t think so.

  ‘You must be exhausted after your flight,’ I said and Stephen responded with a yawn.

  ‘We didn’t get any sleep. Ryder slept all the way from take-off until we landed but Austin and Riley were too excited to settle.’ He yawned again. ‘The joys of family life, eh?’

  It was great to see Stephen again and the kids were hilarious. Ryder was almost two and everything piqued his curiosity, from next door’s cat to the washing machine. Austin tried to teach Dad how to play American football with a taped up T-shirt and Riley was convinced Buckingham Palace was within walking distance. We all went out for a meal that evening and, for the first time in months, I didn’t even think about the food I was putting in my mouth. I enjoyed the food for what it was and relished having my family so close. With the children tucked up in bed, Mum, Aubrey and I shared a couple of bottles of wine while Dad and Stephen worked on a bottle of whiskey. I floated up to bed that evening, not even noticing I was in an unfamiliar bed as my head hit the pillow. I was drifting off to sleep when my mobile rang and jolted me awake again. Worry spiked in my gut when I saw Billy’s name on the display.

  ‘Are you still looking for a pretend boyfriend? Because I’m on your doorstep.’

  THIRTY-EIGHT

  Billy

  Billy wasn’t quite sure how he’d ended up on Ruth’s parents’ doorstep at almost one o’clock in the morning, clutching the doorframe to stop his body from keeling over, partly from exhaustion but mostly due to the large amounts of alcohol he’d consumed. He’d already had a few drinks in the pub before the row with Clare erupted and that had probably added fuel to the argument. He hadn’t let Clare rant, hadn’t told her what she wanted to hear to soothe her and so the row had escalated until he found himself on a late train to Oldham.

  The door opened and there was Ruth in her cow-print pyjamas, her feet bare apart from the shocking pink polish on her toenails. ‘Billy? What are you doing here?’ She spoke in a hushed tone, her eyes darting towards the stairs, making sure she hadn’t woken anybody on the way down.

  ‘I wanted to see you, Ruthie.’ Billy clutched the doorframe harder as he began to sway.

  ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘A bit.’ There was no point in denying it. She could probably smell it on his breath and he could barely stand. Billy suspected he’d given the taxi driver a rather hefty tip in his dazed state.

  ‘Come in but please be quiet. Everyone’s asleep.’

  Billy stumbled after Ruth, following her into the small kitchen where she made sobering cups of coffee before leading Billy into the sitting room. He flopped onto the sofa and patted the space beside him.

  ‘What’s going on, Billy? Why are you here so late?’ And so drunk, Ruth wondered but remained quiet about that.

  ‘I’m your knight in shining armour, aren’t I?’ Billy threw his arms wide but Ruth still didn’t understand so he struggled into a more upright position to elaborate. ‘I’m here to offer my services. You wanted a pretend boyfriend and so here I am.’

  Ruth studied her friend for a moment, wondering just how much he’d had to drink. ‘I’m going with Theo, remember?’

  Billy spluttered and gave a wave of his hand. ‘Theo’s an arsehole. He’ll cop off with one of the stupid cows who used to bully you. You don’t want that when you can have me. I promise not to cop off with anyone.’

  Under normal circumstances Ruth would have preferred the company of Billy by far, but there was one tiny snag in his plan. ‘And what about Clare? Aren’t you already taking her?’

  Billy shook his head. ‘I never was and definitely not now. We’ve split up.’

  ‘Oh, Billy. Why didn’t you say? Come here.’ Ruth pulled Billy into a hug and he was quite comfortable, his head resting against her ample bosom. He closed his eyes and contemplated falling asleep right there.

  ‘What happened?’

  Billy thought back over the night’s events. He’d stumbled out of a taxi minutes earlier after emptying his wallet into the beaming taxi driver’s outstretched hand. He’d taken a train from Woodgate to Oldham, almost getting the shit beaten out of him when he yelled at a youth to turn the tinny music on his phone down. He’d called him an inconsiderate fucking prick, not caring that the kid probably had a knife tucked down his sock. He didn’t feel any fear in confronting the lad and he wasn’t even relieved when a seriously huge guy a few seats down stood up and told the youth to sit back down, to shut the fuck up and turn the music off. The youth, towering above Billy with a sneer on his ugly, rat-like face, eyed Billy and then the seriously huge guy before deciding it was in his best interest to put his arse back in his seat and keep quiet for the remainder of his journey.

  Before that train journey, Billy had been in the pub. Clare had been there and she was yelling at him. Ah yes, now he remembered.

  ‘She says I don’t love her.’ Had Billy been sober, he probably would have stopped there, but he wasn’t sober and so he ploughed on without considering the consequences. ‘She says I’m in love with someone else.’ There was still time to keep quiet, to limit the damage but Billy’s alcohol-addled brain didn’t even pause for thought. ‘You, Ruth. She says I’m love with you.’

  Billy’s head began to jangle as Ruth’s bosom vibrated with laughter. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Whatever gave her that idea?’

  Had he been sober, Billy would have laughed along and claimed he had no idea. But Billy was far from sober. ‘Because it’s true.’

  Billy wasn’t sure when his feelings had developed into something more than friendship, but it must have been some time ago because it was something he and Louise used to argue about and in the end Louise couldn’t handle the three of them living under the same roof and she’d moved out. Billy had thought she was crackers at the time and had told her so on many occasions, but it turned out she was right. He should apologise, really. He’d track her down on Facebook or something and – Billy’s head dropped as Ruth’s bosom was snatched away.

  ‘What?’

  Billy thought back over his conversation with Ruth. Ah yes, he’d just told her he was in love with her, hence the open mouth and startled eyes.

  ‘It’s not Clare I’m in love with, Ruth. It’s you.’ And then, because he was drunk and not thinking straight, he propelled himself at Ruth and kissed her. Her lips, though clamped shut against his, were as soft as he’d imagined and although he’d wrecked their strong friendship in a matter of seconds, Billy couldn’t help thinking it was worth it.

  And then something miraculous happened. Ruth responded. Not by slapping him across the chops as he’d expected, but by opening her lips and allowing Billy’s tongue to dip inside to meet her own. Billy shifted position so he could k
iss her properly, taking her precious face in his hands. It was the best moment of Billy’s life thus far.

  THIRTY-NINE

  Ruth

  It was disorientating to wake in the former home cinema, squashed into a single bed, which seemed to have shrunk overnight. Stretching out my leg, it met with a solid mass which, with closer inspection by my toe, seemed to be soft, warm and hairy. And all at once the events of the early hours hit me full force. Billy on the doorstep, telling me about him and Clare, confessing his feelings for me. And we’d kissed! More than kissed if my memory served me correctly.

  Oh cripes. I’d had sex with Billy.

  Billy. He’d been drunk but what had been my excuse? I remembered him kissing me and feeling shocked at first but the shock soon dulled and I was left with a strange mix of feelings. Part of me was appalled, feeling like I was snogging Stephen on our parents’ sofa. But part of me felt safe and cherished. This was Billy. Billy would never hurt me, would never make me feel repellent and he loved me. I loved him too, perhaps not in the same way that he loved me, but I could love him like that, given time, I was sure.

  ‘Morning.’ Despite knowing Billy was there, his voice startled me but I tried to hide it as I turned over in the tiny bed. It was then that I realised I was still naked. And so was Billy. ‘This is a bit weird, isn’t it?’ Weird? Weird? Fucked up is what it was. I was naked. Billy was naked. ‘But it’s also fantastic. Last night was amazing, wasn’t it?’

  Last night was a mistake. A huge mistake. I realised that as soon as I became aware that Billy’s little friend was right there in the bed with us and I wanted to run as far away from it as possible. But I couldn’t tell Billy that when he was grinning at me, his face full of euphoria while I tried to mask the horror on my own. What was I going to do? I couldn’t get out of bed, not when I was in the nip.

  ‘It was the most amazing night of my life.’ Billy dipped his head to kiss my bare shoulder and I tried my hardest to repress a shudder. ‘I can’t believe we’ve ended up together.’

  Ended up together? All hope that Billy would realise we’d made a mistake washed away and left a sense of dread in its place. How was I going to get out of this without hurting Billy? Because I couldn’t bear to hurt him. I might not care for him in that way but he was still one of my best friends and I did care about him. A lot.

  Billy kissed my shoulder again, his lips moving up to my throat, and then my cheek and they were about to meet with my alarmed lips when there was a knock at the door. Relief prickled my very naked flesh as I was given the excuse to jump away from Billy, sitting up and tugging the covers with me.

  ‘Ruth, love, we’re off out,’ Mum told me from the other side of the door. Thank God she didn’t come inside. ‘We’ll be gone most of the day because we’re off to the Trafford Centre.’

  ‘Under duress,’ Stephen added from a distance.

  ‘You can come with us if you’d like. You’ll have to hurry up though. We’re setting off in ten minutes or so.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum, but I think I’ll stay here. I don’t want to wear myself out before the reunion.’

  ‘Alright, love. We’ll see you later then.’

  I waited until Mum’s footsteps ceased on the stairs before turning to Billy. His face was ashen and I was hopeful again. Perhaps hearing Mum’s voice had been like throwing a bucket of iced water at him and he’d come round from whatever trance he’d been under.

  ‘Shit, Stephen’s here.’ He placed a hand over his mouth as I nodded. ‘I forgot. He can’t find me, not like this. He’ll kill me.’

  ‘You’re right. You stay here and I’ll get up. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come down.’ Seizing my chance, I leapt from the bed and grabbed my robe, shielding my body as rapidly as possible before hurrying down the stairs. I needed a bit of space to think, to find a way to dig myself out of this great big shitting hole. It seemed like an age before my family filed out of the house and divided themselves between Dad’s car and Stephen’s hire car.

  ‘Do you need anything while we’re out?’ Mum called as she fished in her handbag for her set of keys.

  A rewind button for my life? ‘No thanks.’

  ‘Alright, love.’ Mum patted my arm as she kissed my cheek. I watched as she joined the others, waving as the cars pulled away from the kerb.

  Now what?

  ‘Ruth!’ I was about to close the front door when I heard my name being called. I thought I was still dreaming as I saw Jared jogging up the path towards me. Oh, please let me be dreaming. Please let my night with Billy be down to my sordid imagination and too much wine.

  ‘Jared? What are you doing here?’ If I wasn’t dreaming, how did he know where to find me?

  Jared had reached the door and was standing in front of me looking as gorgeous as ever. I kicked myself for thinking such thoughts. ‘I ran into Erin yesterday. I asked her where you were and she eventually told me.’

  ‘You’d better come in then.’ I kept my voice cool and detached, despite my pneumatic-drill heart. ‘Do you want a cup of coffee? I’m making one anyway.’

  Leaving Jared in the sitting room, I escaped to the kitchen to gather my thoughts. I’d slept with my closest friend, who was up in the attic waiting for me, naked, while the man I really wanted to sleep with but couldn’t because he was gay and thought I was a heifer, was in the sitting room. And I was naked apart from a pink fluffy robe. Great. Fantastic. Best day ever.

  The kettle boiled and I had yet to come up with a solution so I made the coffees and carried them through to the sitting room. The least I could do was find out why Jared was here.

  ‘I’m sorry about our argument,’ Jared said before I’d even placed the cups down. ‘I was angry and upset that you would ask me to pretend to be your boyfriend. I’ve been going through some… stuff. But that isn’t your problem and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.’

  ‘What kind of stuff?’ I’d been pissed off and angry myself, but seeing the anguish on Jared’s face made me soften. It must have been something serious because I’d never seen anyone looked so pained.

  Jared closed his eyes for a moment, seeming to be gathering strength before he opened them, looking directly at me. He looked tired, as though he hadn’t slept for weeks. ‘Do you remember me telling you about Francis?’ Oh God, they’d got back together and were going to live happily ever after. Which was fabulous for Jared, obviously, but I couldn’t help feeling a stab of jealousy. Francis was a very, very lucky man. ‘I told you we were together and how much I loved Francis, but I didn’t tell you that she died.’ She? ‘And that she died while carrying our baby. My son, Barney.’ She? ‘It was five years ago, but it’s still so painful and I find it hard to deal with. My family think I should have moved on by now and they’re always trying to set me up with women but I haven’t been ready.’

  She? ‘But you’re gay.’

  ‘I am?’ Jared’s anguish turned to confusion. His eyebrows hung low over his eyes as he looked at me, his head cocked to one side. ‘You think I’m gay? Why would you think that? Oh, I get it.’ He snatched his eyes away from me, observing the ceiling instead. ‘It’s the ballet. You think I’m a big poof because I loved to dance.’

  ‘No, that’s not it.’ Not entirely. ‘Erin told me you were gay. You told her you were gay.’

  Jared hooted but he didn’t sound amused. He sounded angry again. This was not going well. ‘I can assure you I did not.’

  ‘But Erin said…’ I thought back to our conversation months ago. Erin and Jared had gone out and he’d told her he was gay. ‘She tried it on with you and you knocked her back.’

  ‘And that makes me gay?’

  Yes, it sort of did. ‘Erin’s gorgeous and beautiful and sexy. All men fancy her.’

  Jared gave a shrug of his shoulders but the anger had dispelled now and his voice was back to its usual gentleness. ‘Erin is all of those things but she isn’t my type. She’s also loud and vulgar and arrogant. And also, I like somebody else.
’

  I wanted to shove my hands over my ears. I did not want to hear about another woman. It was bad enough when men had been my competition.

  ‘You, Ruth. I like you.’ Eh? ‘I think you’re beautiful and you make me smile and I absolutely adore your laughter.’

  Me? How could he be attracted to me? He’d seen me at my absolute worst, sweating and panting at the gym, my face puce, hair slicked back, struggling to keep up with everybody else. Oh, sweet Jesus. He’d seen me in my swimming costume.

  ‘I think you’re amazing, Ruth. You’re strong and loyal and you make me feel alive again. I never thought that would be possible after Frances.’

  Jared seemed to be overlooking my bad points. I was also judgemental, lazy and greedy and I swore too much. But if he wanted to overlook such qualities, who was I to object? I still didn’t understand why somebody like Jared would like me and my head was still reeling after discovering Frances was in fact a woman. And God, I hadn’t even expressed my sorrow at Jared’s loss. He’d lost the love of his life and his child and I had yet to offer an ounce of sympathy or comfort. I should add selfish and unfeeling to my list of bad points.

  ‘The only problem is you don’t seem to like me the same way.’ The pained look was back on Jared’s face. The fool!

  ‘Are you kidding me? I fancy the bloody pants off you. You’re gorgeous and have the patience of a saint. Anyone who can put up with my attempts at the gym is very special in my eyes.’ I dared to raise my eyes, which had been observing my clasped hands on my lap throughout my confession. I was relieved to see Jared smiling at me. It was going to be ok after all.

  ‘Babe? What’s keeping you? I heard everyone leave ages ago. Are you coming back up to bed? I was hoping for Round Two.’ Billy wandered into the sitting room, thankfully with his nether regions covered by a pair of boxer shorts. He leapt back behind the door when he spotted Jared on the sofa, only his head poking into the room. ‘I’ll wait upstairs, shall I?’