Losing Me

by Scarlett Haven

  “And I know you know this, but you’re really beautiful. You deserve so much more than you were handed in life,” he says. “You deserve the best of everything.”

  “But those bad things that happened to me are what made me who I am,” I say. “Who knows, maybe I would be a stuck up, spoiled girl if I had been with my dad. I would’ve proven that your theory was right when we first met.”

  “I was stupid then,” he says. “Being with you has changed me a lot. I mean, I’m still cynical and angry at the world, but I’m also happy. I’ve never been happy before.”

  He’s right. Sebastian still does have some issues to work through—issues with his dad. And issues with his mom. I hope that someday, he will work things out with her. I do know that he hasn’t called her once since we’ve been on the road, even though I’ve encouraged him to.

  “I guess we both have things to work on then,” I say.

  “Yeah, and what exactly do you have to work on?” Bass asks.

  “I still have to be a better fighter than you,” I say. “And I need to work on the whole self-loathing thing that I have going on. Because even though I know that I’m not the person my kidnapper told me I was, I still hear her voice in my head; every day. I don’t want to be the kind of girl who needs compliments to feel good about herself.”

  “Sounds like we’ve got some good New Year’s resolutions, then. Yours is to train harder and maybe get some therapy.”

  I laugh, because I probably do need therapy, and laughing about it is somehow better than crying.

  “And your resolution is to defeat your father once and for all. And to call your mom, or better yet, go visit her,” I say. “Because, even though I don’t know her, I have no doubt that she misses you.”

  “I will go see her if we defeat my father. I can’t go see her and put my little sister in danger,” Bass says.

  “Your mom trained at Spy School, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I think your mom can take care of herself and your sister,” I say. “Honestly, I think she just wants to see you.”

  Bass pushes a button on his treadmill, coming to a stop. “I’m done for the day.”

  Which means I am, too.

  It also means that Sebastian is done talking about his mom. This time of the year has been really hard on him. I think he has been using me as a distraction from the fact that he didn’t get to spend Christmas with his family.

  I just wish he’d call them.

  The future.

  Since we left the gym, Sebastian has been quiet. I figured he would be mad at me for my comment, but it seems more like he’s in deep thought. I think he misses his family more than he lets on. And, of course, this whole thing with his dad is really getting to him.

  I wish I could take Sebastian’s pain for him—that I could make it all better. But life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we have to just watch people we love go through really crappy situations, and not be able to do anything about it.

  For dinner, Sebastian says we can go out, but to be honest, I don’t think either one of us want to go out in public tonight. We’re both exhausted from the abrupt time change and I just want to lie in my bed, watch Netflix, and most likely fall asleep in the middle of whatever I am watching. So, we order some sushi from room service and I am nearly asleep when the food shows up.

  “I was really looking forward to eating sushi in Japan,” Bass says, as he hands me the container with my sushi in it.

  “We can add it to our list,” I say.

  Sebastian and I have started compiling a list of things we want to do once his dad is caught. The first thing on our list is go to Disney World, which probably excites me more than it should.

  “Okay,” he says. “But I want to do the cruise before we go to Japan.”

  “Or we could take a cruise to Japan.”

  He smiles. “Now you’re talking.”

  This Sebastian is the one I prefer. The one who jokes with me, and makes plans for the future with me. I even like the Sebastian who is super protective of me when we’re being chased by Lex Luthor or one of his goons. The Sebastian I don’t like is the one who seems to be around more often than not—the Sebastian who pushes me away. It’s like he has this defense mechanism that realizes when I’m getting too close, and automatically pushes me away. I hate it.

  “Do you think we’ll get to do Disney for my birthday?” I ask.

  It’s getting closer and I feel like we’re not anywhere near the end of this thing. Of course, this thing has been going on for thirteen years now. Will there ever truly be an end? Because, once we take Lex Luthor down, won’t another one pop up?

  “I’ll make a way,” he says.

  And I don’t doubt his words. Not even a little.

  Sunday, December 31

  New York City.

  Early Sunday morning, Sebastian and I head into New York City. I didn’t think it would be possible to even get a hotel room on New Year’s Eve, but apparently Spy School can literally do anything—including getting a last minute hotel room.

  We also decide against taking the train. Last time we were on a train, it was in Seoul, and those were some pretty unfortunate circumstances, which we wish never to repeat. Instead, Sebastian rents a car. The car we picked up from the airport yesterday apparently isn’t safe for us to be driving right now.

  The car he gets is a nice car—it’s some kind of a sports car. It’s black with leather interior and is a stick shift.

  Sebastian has been trying to teach me how to drive. He only teaches me on manual cars. I’m still not very good at the whole shifting thing. I often kill the engine. Thankfully, the traffic is too heavy where we are for me to do any practicing.

  “What are you going to do if it starts snowing again?” I ask Bass, as we get onto the interstate.

  There is a lot of snow on the ground, but it’s all cleared off the street. This car, however, will not go in the snow if it happens to start snowing again.

  “We’re only driving it to New York,” he says. “When we get there, there is a four wheel drive waiting on us.”

  “Okay,” I say. “That’s good.”

  The drive is nice. We listen to some music. On our journeys, we’ve gotten to listen to some pretty interesting music—German rock, Russian pop, Korean pop… I’ve been adding a ton of songs to my playlist. I currently have over twenty hours of music on it, so I think it’ll take a while to get through all the songs.

  Before I know it, we arrive in New York City.

  I thought that nothing would ever be as impressive as Seoul, but New York City is a pretty close second. I’m definitely more excited to be here than I was in Korea, simply because I’ve wanted to come here my whole life. I’ve wanted to see the Empire State Building and Times Square. I want to see the Statue of Liberty.

  I look out the window and see the East River as we drive into Manhattan. Even though I’ve never been here, everything looks familiar. I’ve seen these streets in movies and TV shows.

  “This is amazing,” I say, unable to pull my face away from the window.

  “You are so cute,” Bass says.

  I turn to look at him. “What?”

  “I like being with you because you get so excited about everything,” Sebastian says, clarifying what he meant. “I think it’s cute.”

  “Oh,” I say. “Thanks. I think.”

  I mean, some might consider the fact that I’m excited over everything annoying. But I can’t help it. I never thought I would go to New York City and this is kind of a dream come true.

  “I like it,” he says. “I mean, when I was a kid, my family traveled a lot, so this is kind of normal for me. Sometimes I forget that traveling the world isn’t normal for everybody.”

  “Yeah. I guess my life is pretty lame compared to yours,” I say.

  “Honestly, I think our lives have both been pretty crappy,” he says. “Yours more than mine, but I love who we have both been able to become despite it all.”r />
  “I don’t know if my life has been crappier,” I say. “I mean, you’ve literally had to hide from your own father. That’s just sad.”

  “And you’ve been starved and abused,” Bass says. “My mom loves me. She tried to shelter me from all that she could. But you had nobody.”

  “I have my dad now,” I say.

  “And me,” he says. “Always me.”

  My heart warms at his words.

  “You know, sometimes I really miss the cynical you that hated me.”

  “Why?” he asks. “I was so mean to you. I still am sometimes.”

  “You just… make it difficult,” I say. “You say all these wonderful things and sometimes it’s hard to remember that we’re just friends and I’m just a job and this isn’t real life.”

  “What are you talking about, Serenity? This is real life,” Sebastian says.

  “You know what I mean,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I mean, this situation isn’t normal and things aren’t always going to be like this.”

  “Honestly, I could do without the whole being chased by my evil father,” he says. “But this… you and me… we’re a team. Even after my father is caught, I want to work with you. That’s the plan, right?”

  “Yeah,” I say.

  But I know better than anybody that teams can’t always be together. Look at Sander and Gage and the rest of the guys. Right now, Sander is in Massachusetts, Gage is in Japan, Brett is in Russia and I don’t even know where Jaxon and Hunter are, but the last I heard they were going undercover in Egypt. This life is unpredictable and things will never be like this again.

  I’m not going to complain though. I’m just going to enjoy this time with Sebastian. And even though this whole thing is really scary, I can’t help but hope it lasts for a really long time, because no amount of time spent with him will ever be enough.

  “Are you okay?” Sebastian asks.

  “I’m good,” I say, nodding.

  And I am good.

  I’m in freaking New York City.

  It doesn’t get better than this.

  New York Pizza.

  Today, I got to check a lot of things off my bucket list.

  Okay, I don’t have a bucket list. Maybe I should get one, but it seems a bit morbid to have one, given our circumstances. We pretty much face death on a weekly basis and I don’t even want to slightly entertain the thought that something actually could happen one of these days.

  Sebastian and I got to do our daily training early this afternoon in Central Park. Mostly, we ran. It’s really cold in New York; the high today is ten degrees, which does not feel good. Not to mention, there is snow on the ground. But it’s not pretty snow, not fluffy like you see on TV. Nope, it’s basically frozen solid and mostly brown. It’s super gross. At least it’s pretty on the grass in Central Park.

  We only trained for an hour then Sebastian and I got showers so we could go out. We walked around, checking out all the popular tourist destinations, like Times Square. That was super chaotic. I have a feeling it was more crowded today than normally because of the whole ball dropping thing that will be happening later.

  Speaking of ball dropping, we decided we would watch it from the safety of our hotel tonight. We don’t know how Lex Luthor keeps finding us, but we definitely don’t want him to find us at such a crowded place. Especially considering the last time he found us, he shot at me. He didn’t even care that we were in the middle of a busy, crowded street in Seoul. So, I’d rather keep everybody safe.

  Right now, we are on our way to a famous pizza shop a few blocks away from our hotel. Sebastian insists that I have to try New York pizza at least once in my life. He usually doesn’t let me eat pizza, he always says it’s ‘unhealthy’, so I’ll take any excuse to eat it. I love pizza.

  The streets are so crowded that I keep bumping into people. Sebastian holds my hand so we don’t get separated, but he walks several feet in front of me so my arm is stretched out. He has this thing about touching. He doesn’t like it. Like, anytime I try to hug him, he just freezes up; or if our arms bump each other when we’re walking, he always apologizes. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He’s fine with us touching during training, but I suppose that’s different.

  Finally, we make it to the pizza shop. He called ahead, so a table is ready for us. The hostess takes us to a table in the back corner. I see an emergency exit sign close to where we’re sitting and I have a feeling Sebastian definitely requested that we sit here. He’s always thinking ahead—always thinking of the worst possible scenario. And I get it, I do. It’s just that, sometimes I wish I could just hang out with him and actually enjoy it. I wish that we were normal teenagers going out.

  I sometimes imagine what life would be like if I hadn’t been kidnapped. If my mom hadn’t died. If Sebastian’s dad wouldn’t have left Spy School. We would’ve grown up together. We’d be best friends. Maybe then Sebastian wouldn’t be so uncomfortable around me.

  But there isn’t a point to wondering or imaging. It’s never going to happen, so I’m not going to dwell on it.

  After Sebastian orders our food, we sit there in silence for a few minutes. I have no idea what Sebastian is thinking, but he’s been pretty quiet lately. I know he feels responsible for everything that has been happening lately, because it is his father who’s trying to kill me, but I wish I could get him to realize it’s not his fault.

  “You okay?” I ask him, finally breaking the silence.

  “Yeah,” he answers. “I just wish things were different. I wish we had more time in New York so I could show you all the cool touristy stuff.”

  “Even though I only get to be here for a day, this is amazing,” I say. “I wouldn’t change this at all. One day, when this is all over, you can bring me back here.”

  “As if you haven’t had enough of me already, you want to spend even more with me afterwards?”

  “Duh,” I say. “You owe me Disney. I want some fun Mickey ears.”

  “I figured you’d wear a tiara.”

  My eyes widen. “Can I? Because I’ve always wanted to.”

  Sebastian smiles his first genuine smile all afternoon. “Yeah, Serenity. We’ll get you a tiara. But only if you let me call you princess without complaining about it.”

  “But you call me princess like it’s an insult,” I say. “I want to be called princess like… can I bring you tea, Princess? Or can I peel your grapes, Princess?”

  “Who peels their grapes?” Sebastian asks.

  “I don’t know,” I say. “But if I am going to be called princess, I insist on being treated like one.”

  “Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he says. “But I’m not peeling your grapes. I will buy you coffee. And I will protect you with my life.”

  “Deal,” I say.

  Because, really, Sebastian does treat me like a princess. Well… at least half of the time. The other time, he’s sulking.

  “We need to figure out where we are going next,” Bass says.

  “Can we go somewhere warmer?” I ask. “I kind of prefer a warmer climate.”

  He smiles. “I was really hoping you’d say that.”

  “Do you think… we will be safe?” I ask.

  “I don’t know,” he says, the smiling fading from his face. “I’m not sure how he keeps finding us. But I’m confident he will find us again. Next time he finds us I don’t want to be in such a huge city. Seoul was a super close call and honestly, being in New York City is making me uncomfortable. We have to head out first thing in the morning.”

  “Head out to where?” I ask.

  “South,” he answers.

  “Are we staying in America?”

  “Yeah,” he answers.

  “Good,” I say. “And Sebastian, thanks again.”

  “For what?”

  “Saving my life. Dropping everything to come with me,” I say. “You have given up four months of your life for me and no telling how much longe
r we’ll be on the run. I appreciate it.”

  “It’s no problem,” he says. “I already told you, I’d do anything for you.”

  And he would.

  That’s why it’s so hard not to fall in love with him.

  The only thing I’m scared of is losing you.

  Outside, there are celebrations going on. I can hear them every once in a while, even from our room on the twentieth floor of our hotel. I look out the window, wishing that I could be out there celebrating with them.

  But it’s not safe.

  I sigh, stepping away from the window.

  “Serenity, come sit,” Sebastian says, motioning me over.

  We are going to be watching the ball drop from the TV tonight, even though we’re literally blocks away from where it’s happening.

  “This is depressing,” I say.

  “A little,” he says.

  I take a seat beside him.

  “You know, last year, I spent my New Year’s Eve alone,” he says. “I was in my dorm room. My roommate got invited to a party, so he was out. I ended up taking NyQuil just so I could go to sleep… and I wasn’t even sick.”

  “Last year was a good New Year’s Eve for me,” I say. “My mom… kidnapper… whatever… she and her husband and stepson went to Miami. She didn’t trust me, so she locked me in my room. She thought I couldn’t get out. But there was this tree by my house and I was able to climb down it. I went to a fireworks show at the park. It was the first time I had ever seen fireworks up close. And I ended up hanging out with this old guy, he was probably eighty. He bought me food and told me stories about his life. It was amazing.”

  “Do you always find good in everything?” Bass asks.

  I shrug. “I’m trying to. I mean, tonight it’s a little hard because people are having a blast on the streets below us and we’re in here, but I’m in here with you.”

  “I’m sure you’re sick of me.”

  “Uh, no,” I say. “I could never get sick of you.”

  He laughs, like he doesn’t believe me. But the words are true.

  “I’ll be right back,” Sebastian says, standing up.

  “Okay,” I say, watching him walk from the hotel suite. I just sit back on the couch, watching the screen. He’s probably just checking the cameras or something. He’s pretty obsessed with security. Not that I blame him. We’ve had too many close calls.