Losing Me

by Scarlett Haven

  “You are always welcome here, Serenity,” Jennifer says.

  Matthew puts his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. I love seeing how happy they are together.

  I’ve never seen a couple happily together. I mean, sure, I’ve seen couples at school holding hands or kissing, but then I would see the same people a few weeks later with a different guy or girl.

  My kidnapper… she and her husband didn’t exactly have a healthy relationship. The two of them both liked to drink a little too much and would end up fighting most nights. Mostly just yelling, but I remember hearing the sounds of things breaking and fits sized holes in the wall occasionally.

  But Jennifer and Matthew… they’ve been married for a long time. And they’re happy. And it gives me hope that maybe someday I will be in a happy relationship like they are.

  “Thank you,” I tell her, lowering my head a little.

  “We’re going to bed,” Jennifer says to Sebastian. “You’d better stay in your own room tonight, and I mean it.”

  “Mom, come on,” Bass says.

  “I mean it,” she says. “I don’t care that you’ve been on the road together and staying in hotel rooms, you’re not allowed to do anything under my roof.”

  “It’s not like that,” I tell her, my face extremely warm.

  “Don’t worry, Mom,” Sebastian says. “There are no grandchildren in your immediate future. Serenity’s right. It’s not like that. I would just feel better if I was closer to her if something bad happened.”

  “No,” she says.

  “But, Mom… what if somebody was coming after Matthew?” he asks.

  “I’m married to him,” she says. “That’s different.”

  “It’s not anything sexual.”

  “Oh, my gosh,” I say, covering my face with my hand. “I’ve never even kissed a boy, so I promise nothing would happen.”

  I hear Sebastian say ‘ouch’, so I look up at see him glaring at his mom.

  “Why’d you hit me?” he asks, rubbing the side of his head.

  “You haven’t kissed her? What are you thinking?” she asks. “I’m surprised she doesn’t have a boyfriend at Spy School, what with you taking your sweet time.”

  “I’m thinking that my father is trying to kill her, or have you forgotten?” Bass asks.

  “No, I haven’t forgotten,” his mom says, now looking sad. “Just… do what you want Sebastian. But if you stay in her room, you’d better sleep on the floor. So help me, if I catch you doing anything inappropriate…”

  “I promise,” Bass says.

  She sighs. “I’ll see you both in the morning.”

  After we tell them goodnight, Jennifer and Matthew both head towards their room. I’m pretty exhausted, too. We’ve been traveling so much lately, and have been in different time zones every other week, and my body is having problems keeping up.

  “Can you pretend that entire awkward conversation with my mom never happened?” Sebastian asks.

  “Not on your life,” I say. “I’m pretty sure we’ve had about a million conversations with my dad just like that one.”

  Bass laughs. “Every time we see him, he reminds me what he will do to me if I ever try anything with you.”

  “Noooo,” I say, cringing. “I thought he just did that to me.”

  “Come on,” Bass says, standing up. He holds out a hand to help me up. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

  I put my hand in his and he pulls me up with very little effort.

  “You’re strong,” I say.

  “Nah, you’re just tiny,” he says.

  He doesn’t let go of my hand as we walk to my room, and I wonder what that means.

  True to his word, Sebastian lies on the floor, right by my bed.

  I’m glad he’s here, because I honestly don’t think I could sleep without him close by.

  I roll on my side, looking at him on the floor. His eyes are closed, but he’s not asleep yet. He opens his eyes, as if he can sense me looking at him.

  “You can have the bed. I can sleep on the floor,” I say.

  “No,” he says. “I’m fine here.”

  I don’t argue, because I know he’s already made up his mind.

  He watches me and I’m not ready to close my eyes yet. I just watch him as he studies my face.

  “What are you thinking?” I ask him.

  “Just that you’re really pretty,” he says.

  Pretty.

  He’s told me that before. That I’m beautiful. That he wants to kiss me. And I get why he doesn’t. Both of us have a very complicated life right now, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing that he would just do it already.

  “What are you thinking?” he asks me.

  “That I wish things were less complicated,” I answer. “That you would kiss me.”

  His eyes glance at my lips, but quickly he looks me in the eyes. “I can’t, Serenity.”

  “Yeah,” I say, trying not to be hurt by his words. Truthfully, every time he turns me down, it gets harder and harder to breathe.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Just… your mom is right,” I say. “Someday, I am going to get a boyfriend. I’m not going to wait for you forever.”

  As I say the words, I doubt them. If anybody is worth waiting forever for, it’s Sebastian Soto.

  “I wouldn’t blame you if you decided not to wait anymore,” he says.

  I don’t say anything. I just roll over, so that I’m facing the other way—away from him. I don’t want him to see the tears that are now spilling down my cheeks. How many times am I going to cry over this boy? And how pathetic am I for crying over him?

  “Just don’t give up on me yet,” he whispers so quietly that I barely hear the words.

  And with his words, I can’t help the feeling of hope that bubbles up in me.

  Why do I have to be in love with a boy who is so complicated?

  Sometimes, I think it would’ve been better if I had feelings for one of the other guys—Gage, Sander, Hunter, Jax, or Brett. Any of them. But no… instead, I had to fall for the one boy who has the ability to completely annihilate my heart.

  He’s so worth it.

  Thursday, January 4

  Hammock life.

  Sofia and I are chilling in the hammocks they have on the top of their boat dock. She told me we were coming out here to read, but I haven’t even gotten past the first page. She keeps talking, distracting me from my book, which is fine with me. I like to read, but Sofia is a sweet girl. I want to get to know her better.

  “What do you know about Spy School?” Sofia asks.

  “Um, not a lot, I’m afraid,” I say. “I only got to go for one day.”

  “Because a bad guy is chasing you, right?”

  “Yeah,” I answer. “He’s a pretty bad guy.”

  “Sebastian’s dad?” she asks, looking over at me.

  I nod.

  “I thought so,” she says. “I hope that you guys are safe.”

  “We are,” I tell her. “Sebastian is really good at what he does. He’s saved my life quite a few times, actually.”

  “He loves you,” she says.

  “He loves me like a friend. Or a sister,” I say, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. While I have strong feelings for Sebastian, I know he doesn’t share the feelings.

  “My brother wouldn’t leave Spy School for just anybody,” Sofia says. “He was determined to stay there and be a spy. You must be important for him to leave early.”

  He left because my dad asked him to. Period. If not, he’d still be there.

  But I don’t tell her that.

  “Whatever his reasons, I’m glad you’re here,” she says. “It’s been nice to see my brother. I haven’t seen him in a long time. Mom said it’s cause he’s trying to protect us.”

  “Sebastian always seems to think that he needs to take the weight of the world on his shoulders,” I say. “But someday, this issue with his dad is going to be over. Things will be different th
en, you’ll see.”

  “I hope so,” she says, then smiles. “If Sebastian and you get married, you’ll be my sister, right?”

  I choke on air. “Sofia, you know he and I aren’t… we’re… I mean, it’s not like that. Sebastian and I are just friends.”

  “You don’t like him like that?” she asks, her face falling.

  “Feelings have to go both ways,” I tell her. “I like your brother, but he doesn’t share the same feelings for me.”

  “And you’ve told him?”

  “He knows,” I say.

  “Then he’s stupid,” she says.

  I smile, loving that she’s on my side with this.

  “We can still be friends, though,” I say.

  “Good,” she says.

  We both actually pick up our books, but I don’t read. I’m too mesmerized by the beautiful scenery in front of me. Even though the trees are dead, there is something about being up here in the mountains that absolutely takes my breath away. I imagine coming here in the summer and going out for a swim or even going in a boat. I’ve never been in a boat before, but I imagine it would be fun.

  I love Sebastian’s family. Honestly, I could get used to spending time with them, but after we leave here, I don’t know if I will see them again. The thought makes me a little bit sad. His mom has been so kind to me.

  “If you can, will you come visit in the summer?” Sofia asks. “It’s a lot more fun here in the summer. Winter is kind of boring.”

  I smile at her. “If I can, I would love to.”

  “I hope you can,” she says.

  Me, too.

  Panic room.

  “I want to show you something,” Sebastian says.

  Sofia and I have just been in the hammocks. I fell asleep at some point and woke up about five minutes ago. I guess the stress and lack of sleep is finally catching up to me. I look over and see that Sofia isn’t in the other hammock anymore. She must’ve gone inside.

  “Okay,” I say.

  Sebastian helps me out of the hammock and I follow him inside the cabin. I smell something cooking and can’t wait to eat whatever it is. Sebastian’s mom is an amazing cook.

  I follow him down a set of stairs, into the basement. I expect it to be creepy down here, because in my mind, all basements are creepy. We don’t have basements in Florida. But this basement looks a lot like the upstairs. There are hardwood floors and light gray walls. I follow Sebastian into an office. The walls are lined with bookcases and there is a desk with a computer. There is also a huge beanbag chair.

  “I want a room like this in my house someday,” I say, running my fingers along the books.

  Sebastian grins. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

  He pulls at a book, which one I’m not sure, and a couple of the bookcases move backwards.

  “What the—?”

  It’s like something straight out of a movie. The bookcases open to reveal a hidden staircase.

  Sebastian motions me with his hand. “After you.”

  It’s dark, but the second we start walking down the short staircase, the room lights up. Inside, there is a computer with five large monitors lining the wall. It’s a small room with nothing but the computer in it. Sebastian walks up to the computer and types something in. Once he hits enter, I hear something from behind me. I turn around to watch the wall behind us start to open up.

  “Wow,” I say.

  Lights flick on one by one to illuminate a large room. Inside, there are all kinds of weapons—guns, grenades, and a lot of other things I have no clue what they do.

  “What is this place?” I ask.

  “It’s my mom’s panic room,” he says.

  “Panic room,” I repeat.

  “It’s here in case something happens,” Sebastian says. “Like, if my dad finds them.”

  I nod. “It’s amazing.”

  “You obviously haven’t seen the panic room in your house,” he says.

  “I thought we were in the panic room,” I say. “My dad’s office.”

  “That was not your panic room,” Sebastian says. “Someday we will have to go down there. But this room… it’s still pretty nice.”

  “Your mom is kind of scary,” I say, looking at a sword that is hanging on the wall. This sword isn’t for just decoration.

  “What I really came in here to show you is this,” he says, punching some numbers into a keypad on the wall. It’s then that I notice the door. It blends in with the walls.

  When he finishes punching in the numbers, the door opens to reveal a hallway.

  “There is more?” I ask.

  “Kind of, but not really,” he says. “This is the last resort. If Lex Luthor somehow gets down here, this is the last ditch attempt to get away. This tunnel goes on for a few miles. If you follow it, you will end up in the middle of the woods where there is a helicopter.”

  “Okay,” I say, taking a breath. “Am I putting them in danger?”

  “We are, yes,” he says. “But I didn’t know what else to do. This was my last resort.”

  “I don’t want anything to happen to them. I love your family,” I say.

  He smiles widely. “They love you, too.”

  Good.

  He pulls the door shut. “The code is 0417.”

  “Your birthday?” I ask.

  He nods.

  “How will this protect you from your dad?” I ask. “I mean, he knows your birthday.”

  Sebastian laughs. “Serenity, trust me, my dad does not know when my birthday is.”

  That’s… sad.

  “You will be with me always,” he says. “But if something happens, you have to run, okay?”

  “I’m not going anywhere without you,” I say.

  “Serenity, it’s important.”

  “I know. But I would die before I let something happen to you.”

  “Don’t say that,” he says.

  “Why? It’s true.”

  “Because it’s my job to protect you, not the other way around.”

  “I don’t care. We’re in this together,” I say.

  Sebastian sighs. “Serenity… you are going to make an amazing spy one day. You’re so loyal. But right now, I kind of wish you weren’t. I need to protect you.”

  “Maybe I feel like I need to protect you, too,” I say.

  “Stop saying that,” he says. “I can’t imagine anything happening to you.”

  “Ditto.”

  “You are so stubborn.”

  “Me?” I ask. “Sebastian, you’re the most stubborn person I have ever met in my life. You can’t call me stubborn.”

  “Obviously, neither of us is willing to give on this subject,” Sebastian says. “But if you die trying to protect me…”

  “You’ll what?” I ask.

  “It won’t matter. Because your dad will kill me,” he says.

  “Neither of us is dying,” I say. “You promised to go with me to Disney World and that had better happen.”

  “It will,” he says, then grabs my arm gently. “Come on, my mom has dinner waiting.”

  Food.

  My stomach growls and Sebastian laughs.

  “How are you always so hungry?” he asks.

  “Just making up for the last seventeen years, I guess,” I say.

  He lets go of my arm and I walk ahead of him, but I can still feel the heat from where he touched me. His touch always affects me, yet he always seems oddly unaffected.

  Why do I have to have feelings for a boy so extremely complex?

  I look back at him as he shuts the door behind us. He smiles at me, making my knees weaken just a little bit.

  Right. That’s why. Because even though he is complicated, he’s still the most amazing man I have ever met in my life.

  Sebastian Soto has my heart.

  Completely.

  The talk.

  After dinner, I help Jennifer do the dishes. I can tell Sebastian doesn’t want to leave me alone with his mom, though I can’t fig
ure out why. That is, until he leaves the room. She gives me a look that I can read all too easily. She’s curious.

  Sebastian and I are complicated. And weird. How can I answer his mom’s questions about us when I, myself, am not sure what we are?

  “Your mother and I were best friends in school,” she tells me.

  I wasn’t expecting that.

  I hand her a dish from the table and just look at her as she rinses it and puts it into the dishwasher.

  “What was she like?” I ask. “I mean, Dad has talked to me about her. But he was in love with her.”

  She smiles. “Your mother was… smart. Ridiculously smart. She and I were roommates from our freshman year. I actually hated her at first. She always showed me up, in class. The way she picked up languages was mind blowing. I was so jealous.”

  Jennifer motions to the table, reminding me that I’m supposed to be handing her plates.

  Right.

  I grab a stack of plates and put them in the sink.

  “It didn’t help that she was gorgeous,” Jennifer says.

  Her words cause me to smile. Sometimes, when others talk about my mother, I can see her. She was beautiful. So beautiful. I wish I had gotten the chance to know her. It seems unfair that everybody else knew her, but I never got to.

  “You look so much like her,” she says. “Except for your eyes, you could be her twin.”

  I like that I look like her. It’s like a piece of her still lives in me.

  “How did you become friends?” I ask.

  “It was the third week of school and your mom wasn’t the most graceful,” she says. “What she had in intelligence, she lacked in physical strength. She fell on her face in PE and got a bloody nose. Everybody laughed and I kind of felt bad for her, so I beat up a girl who had been teasing her. After that, I started training her. It took her a while to catch on and it took her double the time to learn what everybody else did, but she worked twice as hard. Your mom actually ended up whooping my butt a few times before we graduated.”

  “That’s awesome,” I say.

  “Sebastian tells me you take after your dad,” she says. “A natural talent.”

  My face grows warm. “I don’t know about all that. Sebastian is a really good teacher.”

  “I’m surprised,” she says. “My son isn’t the most patient.”

  I shrug. “I guess he is patient with me. Mostly. He wants me to be able to protect myself. He was there when Nolan tried to kidnap me. He saved my life. I guess since then he’s felt… obligated.”