Losing Me

by Scarlett Haven

  “I think my son feels a lot of things when it comes to you, but obligation isn’t one of them,” she says, then pauses for a second as she looks out the window. She turns her head towards me. “How do you feel about him?”

  Ah, I knew this talk was coming.

  “I don’t think it matters how I feel,” I say. “Because he doesn’t feel the same. I like him a lot more than he likes me.”

  This causes her to smile. “You love him?”

  My mouth drops open slightly.

  Am I that easy to read?

  God, Sebastian must think I’m pathetic.

  “Sebastian and I… we have spent a lot of time together,” I say. “He’s protecting me. So, it’s easy to have feelings for him. But he has made it pretty clear that he and I aren’t going to be together.”

  “My son is stubborn,” she says, letting out a sigh. “I bet the guys at Spy School love you.”

  “I only spent a day there, actually,” I say. “The only guys I know are Sander’s team. And they all saw me as a little sister. And that was perfect, because I see them as my big brothers.”

  “I hope that Sebastian gets his act together before it’s too late,” she says.

  I wonder what she means, but before I can ask, she asks for another dish. We fall into a comfortable silence as we finish up the dishes, and I can’t help but wonder if this is what it’s like to have a mom.

  Sebastian is so lucky.

  So completely.

  Once Jennifer and I finish the dishes, I walk off to find Sebastian. I find him on the back deck. He’s lying down, looking up at the stars. I don’t say a word; I just lie down beside him. He turns to me when I do.

  “Please tell me my mom didn’t interrogate you,” he says.

  I grin. “She loves you.”

  He groans. “No,” he says. “Was it bad?”

  “Nah,” I say. “She’s really perceptive.”

  “Annoyingly so,” he says.

  I turn from him to look at the stars. There are so many out tonight. The sky is completely clear, and there aren’t lights around for miles. I decide that I love it here. Someday, I want to live in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere I can see stars for miles.

  “I’m so jealous of you,” I say, not looking away from the sky.

  “Why?” he asks.

  “Your mom is amazing.”

  “Well, your dad is amazing.”

  “Yeah,” I say, letting out a breath. “My dad was completely unexpected, but I am so thankful that I got to meet him. I’ve spent my whole life thinking my mother hated me and my dad abandoned me. To me, meeting the guys at Spy School was nothing short of a miracle.”

  “I have a question,” he says.

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s about Nolan.”

  I turn to look at him, now curious.

  “You two… you kind of seemed close,” Sebastian says.

  “I guess so,” I say. “He seemed to be more protective than even the other guys. He made me feel safe.”

  “Did you… like him?”

  “Yeah, of course. He was my friend.”

  “I mean as something more than a friend,” he says.

  “Sebastian… the night I met Nolan, my mom had locked me in my bedroom. I was grounded from food. He… he brought me food. And then after he rescued me, I had just met my dad. Things were crazy. So I didn’t even think about that with him, ever,” I say.

  “Okay,” he says.

  And I wonder why he asked that. But I’m not brave enough to ask him. Instead, I turn to look at the stars again.

  I feel Sebastian’s hand brush up against mine. I scoot a little closer to him, though I’m not sure why. When I do, he grabs onto my hand, lacing our fingers together. And I’m shocked that he’s holding my hand, but I don’t say anything. Neither does he. It’s just a perfect moment.

  I wish I could freeze time, right here, right now.

  Butterflies erupt in my stomach.

  Gah, this boy. How can he own my heart so completely?

  Because he’s Bass.

  Friday, January 5

  I hate goodbyes.

  I woke up to Sebastian packing our suitcases. My heart breaks a little at the sight. I mean, I knew we wouldn’t be able to stay here long, but I was hoping it would be longer than this.

  When I sit up in the bed, he turns around to look at me.

  “Morning,” he says.

  “Good morning,” I say, nodding to the suitcase. “We leaving?”

  “Yeah.”

  He turns back around to continue packing.

  I’m so disappointed, heartbroken even, but I know it’s got to be one hundred times worse for him. This is his family. I get out of bed and walk over to him. I put my arms around him to hug him. He just stands there for a few seconds before he hugs me back. He only hugs me for a few seconds before pulling back.

  “You should get ready.”

  I try not to be hurt, but it stings a little that he is pushing me away… again. I don’t speak, because I’m worried my voice will crack. I just turn away and head into the bathroom to get a shower.

  I know Sebastian didn’t mean it, but he has a way of breaking my heart like nobody else can.

  Trying to focus my attention somewhere else, I rush through my shower, trying to get ready as quickly as possible. I am dreading saying goodbye to Sebastian’s family and I want to spend as much time with them as possible before we leave.

  After my shower, I brush through my tangled hair. It’s been harder to brush since I got it bleached. Three months later, I still hate the color of my hair. Not wanting to mess with styling it, I leave it down to air dry.

  I quickly brush my teeth and get dressed. Sebastian isn’t in the bedroom anymore. I put my dirty clothes in a trash bag before stuffing them in my duffle bag. We usually end up having to leave our stuff and buy new clothes before we actually have to do laundry.

  When I walk into the living room, the mood is very somber. Sofia runs over to me, giving me a hug.

  “Please don’t go,” she says.

  I hug her back, not knowing what to say. I don’t think I could speak, even if I wanted to. Tears fill my eyes.

  Sebastian’s family loves me. And I love them, too. So much.

  I wish we could stay here.

  But I get why we can’t.

  We have to protect them.

  “We have to,” Sebastian says to her. “It’s not safe for us to be here anymore.”

  “Then take me with you,” she says, pulling back. Tears are running down her face.

  “You wouldn’t be safe,” he says.

  “I don’t care,” Sofia says.

  “I care,” he says. “I can’t look out for you and Serenity both. You don’t want anything to happen to her, do you?”

  “No,” she says. “But I also don’t want you to disappear for three years again.”

  “I won’t. I promise,” he says, coming to stand in front of her. “This is all going to be over soon. Then I promise I will come back here and spend so much time with you that you’ll be sick of me.”

  She laughs, tears still running down her face. “I won’t ever get sick of you.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “Will you bring Serenity with you?” she asks.

  He smiles at her. “Of course. Serenity and me, we’re a package deal.”

  We are?

  I try not to read too much into that, but I can’t help the hope that bubbles up inside of me at his words.

  Even after this is over, he still wants to be around me. That’s something. And I know he’s said it before, but now he’s declared it in front of his family. It feels different, somehow.

  “Sebastian, you know it doesn’t have to be this way,” Jennifer says, walking over to him.

  “Mom, it does,” Sebastian says. “You know it does. He hasn’t come after you since I left. It’s been three years, and nothing. It was never you he wanted. It’s me. And it’s Serenity.�
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  Her eyes fill with tears. “You will be safe, won’t you?”

  “I always am,” he says.

  “He’s… amazing,” I tell her, trying to reassure her. “In Korea… he was within a few feet of us. I still have no idea how we got out of there.”

  “You didn’t tell me he got that close,” she says, sucking in a harsh breath. “Sebastian, no. You can’t go. Let me help you.”

  “You have to protect Sofia,” Bass says. “I don’t need you to protect me anymore. He’s… different. Stronger, now. And I can’t protect you and Serenity. It would be an impossible choice. Don’t put me in that position. Because, Mom…”

  He doesn’t finish his sentence. But silence falls over the room and his words linger in the air.

  What was he about to say?

  “You’d choose her,” Jennifer says, now smiling. “I know you would.”

  Her?

  Wait.

  Me?

  Sebastian sighs. “Mom, Serenity and I will be fine. I promise. I’m going to protect her. I’m strong enough. My biological father might have a lot of power, but he’s not Michael Sinclair and he doesn’t have Spy School. He’s not going to win.”

  She nods, but I can still see the worry in her eyes.

  “Be safe,” he says, giving his mother a hug.

  My heart breaks as I watch his sister walk over and give him a hug. I hate that I’m keeping him from his family. I know it’s his choice. But it doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

  “We will miss you,” Jennifer tells Sebastian as they pull away.

  “I’ll miss you guys, too,” he says. “Always. But I promise I won’t be gone so long this time.”

  “I’ll make sure of it,” I say.

  Jennifer motions me over. I hesitantly walk over, not wanting to intrude on their goodbye. I’m pleasantly surprised when she puts her arms around me and squeezes me.

  I love his mom. His family. His life. He had such a good upbringing. And, yeah, maybe he was on the run most of his life, from a crazy father, but he had so much love from his mother. I’d give almost anything for this. And because of Sebastian, I have exactly this.

  I hate saying goodbye to them. I just revel in the fact that I they will be safe.

  I will bring down Sebastian’s dad if it kills me.

  Oxymoron.

  “You okay?” I ask Sebastian after we’re about ten miles away from his mom’s house.

  We’re really leaving.

  “Honestly, I think I am,” he says. “It sucks leaving them, but I know I’ll be back soon. There is no way I’m going to wait three years before seeing them again. I’m going to kill my father.”

  “Sebastian,” I say, my voice breaking. “No, you can’t kill him.”

  “Yes, Serenity, I can. You don’t understand what he has done to me… what he has done to my family… what he has done to the world,” he says.

  “He’s still your dad,” I say. “And he deserves to suffer. In prison. For the rest of his life. He deserves to feel the consequences of his actions. He needs to pay. And if you kill him… then the only person you will be hurting is yourself. You can’t kill him, Sebastian.”

  “I will do what I have to do,” he says.

  Sebastian is a strong guy. He talks about my dad being strong, but I think Sebastian is stronger. The things he has had to go through… but killing his father would be too much. I can’t let him do that.

  “It would change you,” I say. “Taking his life is too much. He’s your father.”

  “You’re right,” he says. “I don’t want to kill him. I mean, sometimes I do. But deep down, I don’t. Sometimes I can remember my father before he left. I remember him being good to me. He loved me and my mom. Or I thought he did. Now when I see him, I see a man who has spent most of my life chasing me and my mom. He never let us have any peace. And I see a man who wants to kill you. Serenity, my dad wants to kill you. And I can’t let that happen. So, if it comes down to him or you, I will kill him to save you. I would kill anybody to save you.”

  His words both hurt and comfort me. But then again, that is just Sebastian Soto. I shouldn’t have expected anything less.

  “What if you can’t save me?” I ask.

  “I will,” he says. “But if I can’t, then I will die trying.”

  “Don’t you dare die for me, Sebastian,” I say, hating how much his words hurt my heart. I can’t let him die for me.

  He has the audacity to smile.

  “Don’t even try to charm your way out of this,” I say. “You can’t die for me. It’s not right.”

  “What would you do if our roles were reversed?” he asks. “If your dad was the one working for the bad guys and my dad was running Spy School? And what if you were the one who had years of training, and had to protect me?”

  “I would die to protect you, even now, even without the training,” I say.

  “Then why does it surprise you that I feel the same way?”

  “It doesn’t surprise me,” I say. “I understand, probably more than anybody. I just hate hearing you say the words out loud.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I can’t imagine a world without you in it.”

  “Well, the feeling is mutual,” he says.

  Sebastian is a walking oxymoron. One minute, he’s pushing me away, the next he’s telling me he’d die for me.

  I wish he’d make up his mind.

  Adjectives.

  “Where are we going?” I ask Sebastian.

  We’ve been in the car for almost eight hours and we are currently in Mississippi, still headed south.

  “South,” he answers.

  I roll my eyes.

  Always the sarcastic response.

  “Louisiana?” I ask. We started seeing signs telling us how far it is to New Orleans about a hundred miles back.

  “Yes,” he answers.

  “What is in Louisiana?” I ask.

  “My grandfather,” he answers.

  “Your… grandfather?”

  “Yes,” he says. “My dad’s dad. Don’t worry, he’s nothing like my father. Actually, he’s kind of awesome. He helped my mom and me a lot. He used to work for Spy School. He retired a few years back.”

  “Huh,” I say. “He sounds awesome.”

  “He is,” Sebastian says, grinning as he watches the road. “Pops… he was good. He still is. Your dad had to practically make him retire. I think he’d still be doing the job if he could. I know he still trains.”

  “So, we’re going to be spending some time with him?”

  “Yeah,” he answers. “Like I said, Pops is good. He knows my biological father better than anybody else. He’ll be able to protect us… you…”

  “Okay, cool,” I say. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

  Ahead, I see the sign welcoming us to Louisiana, and I sit up in my seat. I’ve gotten to add a lot of states to my list of places I’ve been. And maybe going to Louisiana isn’t as exciting as South Korea or New Zealand or all the places in Europe I’ve been, but to me, this is amazing.

  When we cross the line, nothing looks different from Mississippi. There is no change in the scenery or weather, but I still feel excited. There are still so many places I have left to go, and I plan on going everywhere that I can. Just, first, we have to take care of Sebastian’s dad.

  “You’re smudging the window,” Sebastian says.

  I look over at him, raising an eyebrow. “What?”

  “With your nose pressed against the glass.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m just excited.”

  “It’s cute.”

  “I hate the word cute,” I say. “Sander called me cute once. I hated it from him, too.”

  “What’s wrong with the word cute?”

  “Puppies are cute. And toddlers. Not seventeen-year-old girls.”

  “Fine. Sorry,” he says. “I meant to say you’re adorable. Gorgeous. Stunning. Beautiful. And any other adjective that I can
’t think of at the moment.”

  His words cause the corners of my mouth to lift slightly.

  “Sebastian, my hair is in a messy bun and we’ve been in the car all day. There are a lot of adjectives you could use, but beautiful, stunning, and gorgeous, are not the right words,” I say.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says. “I like your hair like that.”

  My mouth opens, but no words come out.

  What can I say? The man has literally taken my breath away.

  “By the way, I feel like I should warn you about Pops,” Sebastian says. “He’s a little… eccentric.”

  Great. More adjectives.

  “Eccentric how?”

  His pause concerns me.

  “Well…” he rubs his hand on the back of his head, which I know he only does when he’s really nervous. “He kind of likes gator hunting. And, to be honest, he’ll probably try to take you hunting at some point on our trip. Also, whatever you do, don’t eat meat at his house. It’s not chicken, no matter what he tells you.”

  My stomach tightens, but not in a good way.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” I say.

  “Do you need me to pull over?” he asks.

  “No,” I say, and shake my head. “That’s just… so gross.”

  “I’m just saying… my mom and I stayed with him for a year once. I was a vegetarian the entire time,” he says.

  “What kind of animals does he eat?” I ask, already regretting the question.

  “Well, some are good—like deer. But sometimes he eats squirrels and rabbits,” he says. “And I just can’t bring myself to eat a squirrel. It looks too much like a rat.”

  “He eats bunnies,” I say, covering my mouth with my hand. “But they’re so cute. How can he eat a bunny?”

  Sebastian laughs, shaking his head. “You are such a girl.”

  “Well, I mean, it makes sense. I am a girl,” I say.

  “I have noticed.” He glances over at me and then back at the road. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you so you would be prepared.”

  “Thanks,” I say.

  But still…

  I have a feeling nothing can prepare me for meeting Sebastian’s grandfather.

  Meeting Pops.