Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “The front door was open,” she said.

  She spotted Antonio sitting on a stool at the corner of the table wearing only a plain white tee and faded jeans. With his short, dark, skillfully mussed hair and five o’clock shadow, he was, he was… Sigh.

  When human, he looked like perfection, but now he looked like a refined, heavenly treat, like he’d been worked over with supernatural man enhancers that took his already too perfect body—broad chest and strong, lean everything—and filled him out in all the right places. His spine now held a perfect posture that would never, ever, ever deteriorate with time and made him appear taller, more imposing. Yes, before he’d been the most exquisite mortal she had ever laid eyes on. But now? Now he was the most exquisite male—mortal or otherwise—to exist.

  Reason number whatever… Ugh! Not fair. Stupid, gorgeous, icky vampire!

  “Come in and close the door.” His angry eyes flashed her way, then back to his notebook, and for that instant, Ixtab felt like a pathetic, needy creature craving his attention.

  She carefully shut the door.

  “First,” he said, looking at the scribbles on his pages, “what the diablo is the story with the Morticia getup? Get rid of it—it’s a distraction. Second, no more secrets and lies. I know what and who you are; your sister told me everything.”

  If he knew who she was, then why did he speak to her like that? Perhaps ass kickings were his thing. And how had he adjusted so quickly to his new state? Most mortals took years to accept what they’d become and to reach their full a-hole vampire potential. Not this guy. He looked like he’d settled right the hell in.

  “Anything else?” She parked her fist on her hip.

  He looked up from the notebook, and though he could not see her eyes, she felt as if he were looking right through her.

  “Yes,” he replied. “If you ever cross me, I’ll quit. I don’t like you. I don’t care if I save the world. I’m not a deity, and I hope to fuck I never become one. You will do what I say, when I say, and you’ll like it. You’ll sleep—if your kind ever fucking sleeps—and eat—if your kind ever fucking eats—when I say. Then, when this is all over, you will give me the gift of never letting me lay eyes on your disgusting, veiled face again.”

  Ixtab felt like she’d been pummeled by a torpedo. “Whoa there, Sparky. First, what’s with you and the swearing? And second, what did I ever do to you?”

  “Didn’t you hear a word I said on the street?” he asked.

  He’d said a lot of things. Most of them not very nice, which meant she’d already compartmentalized them in that vacuous place inside her brain where she put everything she would prefer to forget. “Not really.”

  Her reply visibly sent him over the edge.

  “I’m a vampire because of you.” He jumped from his seat and punched the wall, sending half of it crumbling into the other room. Uh-oh. Helena would be pissed. More repairs. “You! God fucking dammit. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

  She’d kept him alive. End of story. “I don’t understand,” she said.

  “Like I give a shit if you do. Let’s get one thing straight: you promised to never leave me.”

  Where the hell was he going with this? He couldn’t possibly hold her to that deathbed promise.

  “And?” she asked.

  “And as long as I live, you belong to me—a lowly, disgusting, pathetic vampire.”

  Was that what this was all about? He wanted to punish her by making her his little Igor punching bag. At that comment… jeez. Sounded like someone had a bruised ego.

  “This has nothing to do with me calling you ‘disgusting’ the morning Kinich attacked you, does it?” She hadn’t meant it; she’d simply wanted him to stay away from her.

  “I’m angry because you had me turned. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

  Ixtab’s rage finally bubbled over. “Oh, but I do! I saved you. And if you want to be angry with someone, why aren’t you angry with Kinich? He’s the one who attacked you.” Actually, that wasn’t right, either. Kinich only attacked him because he’d been whammied by Zac.

  “Hate him?” Antonio seethed. “For being a vampire, a slave to his bloodlust? He had no choice. But you…”

  Oh, good. At least he wasn’t holding a grudge against Kinich. That was something. As for her turning him into a vampire, there was no other choice. Why couldn’t he get that through his thick, backward man skull? And where did he get off treating her like an old, chewed-up shoe? Him. An icky, yicky vampire. Well, he had another fang coming!

  “What I do not understand is why you would do so when you think so little of us?” he said with a hint of regret.

  “Huh?” Ixtab’s rage sputtered out. Was that hurt in his beautiful green eyes? It was hard to tell with him up there and her down there. She’d need to start wearing heels.

  “Your sister Fate told me how you loathe my kind,” he said calmly. “You think we are an abomination to this world.”

  True. But damned that Fate! Why would she tell him? Stupid cow.

  “I can’t help how I feel. Vampires are bottom-feeders.” With exception to Kinich, Julie, Viktor, and Helena, of course.

  Before she blinked, his large hands clamped her shoulders and a spark of dark energy released from her body.

  “No! You can’t do…” A split second passed but nothing happened. Once again, he didn’t show the faintest sign of yearning for death, and once again, she found herself frozen, mesmerized by him.

  “How? How can you stand to touch me?” she croaked.

  His olive-green eyes drilled into her. “Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares?”

  I do. Oh my gods, I do!

  His eyes went wide, and he looked at his hands and then released her like yesterday’s garbage.

  “I-I…” Ixtab turned to leave before she had a complete meltdown right in front of him. Or hugged him. Or cried from confusion. Or kicked his man truffles—Are they milk chocolaty brown like the rest of him? Or something very, very bizarre in between. The Universe had to be playing a cruel, cruel joke on her. Her entire existence she’d longed to simply touch another being. Not kill. Not save. Simply… touch. For no other reason than because she wanted to feel connected to the world. Her entire existence, she’d watched mortals go throughout their day, unaware of how lucky they were—an embrace, a pat on the back, shaking hands… a kiss. Such simple gestures. Imagine a life without these things. Imagine how lonely and disconnected from the world one might feel.

  So after eons of near isolation, the Universe finally decided to listen and granted her wish? Like this? In the form of an icky vampire who hates her guts? And who reminded her of the single most painful moment of her life?

  Well, thank you, Universe! Getting your own standup comedy show next? A special on HBO perhaps? ’Cause… har-fucking-har, lady! Ixtab’s anger took the steering wheel. Unfortunately, she couldn’t take it out on the Universe, so that left her with…

  “Find another pooch. I am the Goddess of Suicide. I answer only to Death, and guess what? He doesn’t want you. You’re not good enough.”

  Antonio’s beautiful green eyes flickered to black. “Muy bien. You want to play hardball? Then kiss your world good-bye, Ixtab. I know I’m the only one who can crack the tablet’s code. Without me, humanity perishes. How do you like those manzanas?”

  He knows I’m compelled to put humans first?

  Dang it! Checkmate.

  “Fate told you, didn’t she?” Going. To. Kill. Her.

  His wicked smile produced a little dimple on each side of his mouth.

  “Oh, you can guess again, mister, if you think flashing those adorable little dimples will bend me to your will. I don’t care if you are the hottest card-carrying member of the penis club—I’ve gone seventy millennia without a man. I’m immune to your drop-dead gorgeousness!”

  He looked at her with a blank stare. “Seventy thousand years without getting laid?”

  Oh, pita chips! Ixtab cupped her veile
d mouth. “Well… uh, I meant…” Shit, shit, shit. “… Without a boyfriend. Of course I’ve had a man.” To dinner. Once. Change subjects! Anything to escape this conversation. “Fine. I’ll help you! What would you like me to do, Dr. Dracula?”

  His smile faded away. “Don’t call me that.”

  Hit a nerve did I? “Sorry. I meant”—she made her hands into claws—“maaasssster,” she slurred, doing her best impression of Igor.

  A twitch of a smile flickered across his lips, but his frown quickly rebounded. “You are completely childish, you know that?”

  And just like that, the anger between them dissipated like a wisp of steam. Hands down, this was the oddest situation ever. Odder than the time Cimil started a pumpkin rodeo—she’d claimed that the squash weren’t getting their fair share of fun—and odder than the fact that random good-looking men always seemed to bump into her (and then meet their demise).

  But this one… this one is still alive. And she couldn’t deny she wanted him to touch her again. And again. However, that didn’t mean she wasn’t pissed and wouldn’t have to teach him a lesson or two on how to behave with a goddess.

  Sounds exciting.

  “Childish, huh? Since I’m a deity, you think I’m supposed to act like a crusty, old know-it-all? Where’s the fun in that? Don’t let my immaturity fool you; I’m ancient. I’m deadly. And if you cross me again, I’ll…” Oh, drat. What would I do? “I’ll do something baaad.”

  He tilted his head to one side. “Are you done?”

  “Uh… yeah. I think so,” she replied.

  “Good.” He placed his hand on her back and moved her toward the table. “Because we have a portal to open.”

  Ixtab’s eyes went wide beneath her veil as his touch sent waves of intoxicating bliss through her body. Oh, gods. What was happening? And what was she getting herself into?

  She hadn’t a clue, but there was no doubt in her mind she was already knee-deep.

  Chapter Dieciséis

  “No, caray! This is not working!” Antonio threw his pen at the wall—one of the still standing ones—and it stuck in the plaster like a dart.

  Clearly he hadn’t grasped the magnitude of his strength yet.

  “Don’t panic, Dracula. Just move to the next one.” Ixtab poked him lightly on the arm. Over the last ten hours, she’d touched him every chance she had. She still couldn’t believe it. She’d touched him dozens of time and nothing bad had happened! Another living creature! And he was still alive! Slightly irritated, but alive.

  While he had been working on the tablet, conducting experiments, she’d done some tests of her own. She now knew that when they made contact, dark energy did indeed flow out of her body into his, but he simply seemed immune to it. This was so… awesome! Better than the time Cimil allowed her to ride that prize pumpkin! Okay, that was a lame comparison. Nonetheless, this was the most exciting thing she’d ever experienced!

  She poked him again and smiled. Her cheeks cramped from grinning so darn hard.

  “Stop that.” He’d glance at her, half glaring, half perplexed.

  “What?” Smile. Big smile.

  He frowned and then returned to his work with such intense focus that she couldn’t help but wonder what was really in this for him? He behaved as if solving the mystery of the tablet was the end of the world.

  Because it is?

  Okay. Yes. But taking the worry to a level ten was the job of a deity. Not a… well, new vampire.

  She passed him a sheet of paper with formulas. “Try this one.” Poke.

  “It’s not going to work,” he said, not lifting his head.

  “You haven’t even tried it.”

  “No. I mean the poking. You can’t annoy your way out of this,” he replied.

  Who says I want to? “I have no idea what you mean?” Poke. This is so wonderful.

  He growled. “You are a very, very strange woman.”

  “I’m a deity. We invented strange.” I can’t stop. She reached out her hand, but he caught it midair.

  “Next time you do that, I’ll break your neck,” he growled.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re oodles of fun?”

  His green eyes turned black. “No.”

  “Have you ever wondered why?”

  “No. Now pass me the other file—the one with the red label.” He pointed to the stack on the edge of the large table.

  “Say please,” she said playfully. Gods, I feel drunk! At least, I think this is what drunk feels like. I will need to consult with Belch.

  Perhaps you’re happy!

  Yes. Maybe this is what being happy feels like!

  He shot her a hateful look.

  “No, not saying please?” She smiled and passed the file anyway.

  Despite all her goofing around and his belligerent disposition, Ixtab had to give the damned brilliant man kudos where kudos were deserved; he was on to something. He’d figured out that the tablet reacted to energy fields (no surprise there given everything in the Universe is comprised of energy); however, he had hooked up his laptop to a homemade box that contained a complex system of diodes and amplifiers. The little box could mimic and transmit almost any energy pattern—a frog, a cat, a flower, just about anything. With the experiments he’d been conducting, he had already narrowed the list down to ten catalysts and validated his data with live tests. Now, he believed, it was simply a question of sequencing the energy patterns correctly to trigger the tablet’s power. So far, however, he’d managed to get the object’s surface to vibrate, but nothing more.

  “No. Dammit. I’m missing something.” He sat on the tall stool and hunched over the table, pressing his forehead against the cool stainless steel surface. His lean, wide back stretched the fabric of his T-shirt, and Ixtab couldn’t help but notice how the broad shoulders tapered down into a tight waist before presenting a perfectly shaped ass. The shape of the muscles were like two round globes of manly assiness.

  Assiness? Not even a word, goddess. She shrugged. I like it. Assiness fits.

  “Perhaps if you ate?” she suggested.

  Antonio rolled his forehead against the table. “I’m not hungry.”

  “You’re a new vampire. Of course you’re hungry—”

  His head snapped up. “No. I said I do not want to eat.”

  “Eventually you will need to eat something, or you will go mad, perhaps kill an innocent mortal.”

  “Doubtful,” he snapped. “I do not eat meat. I never have, and I never will. The thought of drinking human blood disgusts me.”

  Ixtab gasped. “A vegetarian vampire?” Oh. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

  He scowled at her. “I do not believe in killing. And if I ever had to kill someone or something, I certainly wouldn’t enjoy it like some people.”

  Had that been a jab?

  “You think I go around killing people for fun?” she asked. Normally, thems would be fightin’ words, but she was in such a good mood that nothing could sour it. Not even a grumpy, gorgeous—Wait! No! Icky! Oh, hell… gorgeous vampire. Damn this happiness rocks. Everyone should try it!

  “Yes,” he said. “I believe I also used the word ‘enjoy.’ I saw what you did to that man in the alley and to those animals. You murdered them without a second thought and skipped away like you’d been to a fucking party.”

  Happiness starting to go…

  “I don’t kill—”

  “Don’t try to deny it; your sister told me everything. You are the Goddess of Suicide.” He stood and towered over her, fuming with contempt.

  Getting weaker…

  “Yeah, but—”

  “You were cruel and cold and heartless during my darkest hour in the hospital. Now I know why; you enjoy watching others suffer and taking their lives.”

  “Okay. Maybe a little, but it all depends on the person. And who the hell are you to judge me? You… man tart. I bet those women you use might have a thing or two to say about your compassionate side. Or lack thereof.
”

  “Sleeping with women and giving them pleasure is not a valid comparison. And did you just admit you enjoyed watching me suffer when you found me in the hospital?” he asked bitterly.

  Hmmm… “Maybe I enjoyed watching you suffer a little. You were being pretty damned cranky, and if I recall correctly, you even wanted to throw away your life.”

  “Maybe I was cranky because someone killed my cat!” He pressed his body against hers.

  “I said I was sorry about the cat! Okay? I’m sorry. He came out of nowhere!”

  “What kind of person kills someone’s cat while they’re in the hospital? Blinded in an accident?”

  “I can’t bring back your cat, but at least you have your sight again. And look! You still don’t appreciate the second chance you’ve been given. Can’t you just be happy?” Though he was ten inches taller and outweighed her by a good hundred pounds, she pushed back with her body, refusing to lose any ground in their battle of the wills. After all, she was a goddess and he, only a lowly, yummy… Wait! No! Icky vampire. Dammit, if he didn’t feel warm and hard and masculine in all the right places. She’d never had such delicious contact with another. This was better than that damned ride at Euro Disney all the vampires loved. This was better than bagging ten rapists in one night. This was—gasp!—better than a 50 percent off sale on cotton floral prints at Fabric Land! Knees don’t buckle. Knees don’t buckle.

  “This isn’t a second chance,” he yelled. “I am a disgusting, goddamned vampire!”

  “Yes. You are! Be happy!” she screamed back.

  “Wait. You think I’m disgusting?”

  Hell no! Not even a little! “You said it, not me,” she replied.

  “Let us just see what’s under that veil, shall we?” He swiped for it, but she caught his wrist and growled. “Nobody touches the veil, Bub…” Goddammit, the contact was euphoric. Tingles and shivers banged their way through her body. The bliss of touching another living being, without it being… well, work related, was sinfully enjoyable. It felt like she was having sex with her hand. Errr, not sex with my hand—’cause that’s really no fun after seventy thousand years—but sex through my hand.