Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  She squeezed his wrist a little harder and made a tiny groan. Thankfully, he was too darn busy glaring with those olive-green eyes and snarling with those beautiful lips to even notice.

  “What are you hiding under there, Elvira?” he whispered. “Or is it Jeepers Creepers? Is your face mangled and twisted? Do you wear that to keep the children from screaming?”

  Ixtab stood on her tiptoes and leaned into him. She couldn’t pass up a chance to soak in more of his deliciousness. And was that…? Oh yes, it was. Ixtab’s eyes practically rolled inside her head as she felt his slightly firm cock against her stomach.

  Does he even realize?

  Ixtab almost lost it right there, and by lost it, she meant tear off her clothes and throw herself at him shamelessly. She even wanted to remove the veil and show him her face. Could she do it? Betray her vow?

  The tablet began to vibrate on the table, and both their heads whipped in its direction. Antonio glanced back at Ixtab’s veiled face, then down at their bodies pressing tightly together. His face suddenly turned bright red.

  Oops. He just realized.

  He stepped away and turned toward the tablet, giving her his back. “Leave,” he snarled.

  “But I—”

  He went for his microscope. “Leave. Go find someone to murder, Morticia.”

  Ixtab growled under her veil. Not because he’d insulted her—hell, maybe he had every right to be mad. Who knew? But her brain felt like it had been scrambled, leaving her completely disoriented. It must be something about touching him. Yes. Perhaps she was drunk. That would explain why she’d gone from loathing the man to being completely and utterly… Oh. My. Gods! I’ve gone mad! I’m lusting after a vampire!

  She headed for the door and heard Antonio hiss under his breath in disgust as she left.

  Chapter Diecisiete

  Hoping the crisp winter air might clear her fuzzy mind, Ixtab stood on the penthouse balcony looking out across the lights of the city.

  Dammit, could this situation be any more confusing? She actually wanted him. Him. A vampire. As in, would chew off her own leg for another chance to touch him. How could this have happened?

  And oddly enough, it was nothing like the feelings she’d had for Francisco. Not even close. This felt like someone had injected her with a giddy love potion that turned her heart into a quagmire of flutters and odd palpitations every time she simply thought of Antonio. It was completely overwhelming. And irrational. And scary. And fun. And exciting. And dizzying.

  She took a deep breath.

  There’s got to be a reason for this. Some… rational scientific explanation. A chemical reaction perhaps?

  Fancy fudge! No it’s not. I like him. Really, really like him.

  No! It cannot be.

  Well, it doesn’t matter how you feel. He hates you. Loathes you!

  Did he truly think she went around killing random people for fun? How could he possibly believe such an idiotic idea? It was true she enjoyed hunting those with dark souls who plagued humanity with their evil ways. Who could resist such entertainment? Rapists and those who abused children were an especially nice catch. And the animals she often used in a pinch—well, she tried to find ones with diseases or that were nearing the end of their furry little lives. The way she saw it, they would die soon regardless, and before they departed this world, their lives served for the higher good. Of course, the poor people who ran over the suicidal squirrel, cat, or dog didn’t appreciate their sacrifice, but the world was full of such imperfect situations.

  For him to think she simply went around enjoying her job? She hated her job. It was hands down the worst deity gig on the planet. Hell, even Máax, her banished brother, aka the One No One Speaks Of, had it better. And as for those she killed by accident, there was only remorse. She had the veil to prove it.

  “Everything all right?” Julie appeared at her side staring with one of her soothing, angelic smiles.

  “Sure. No. Maybe. Okay, it’s a disaster.”

  “Are you speaking of the tablet or the physicist?” Julie questioned.

  “Both, I guess. We can’t seem to keep from wanting to tear each other’s heads off.” She sighed. “You’d think a creature with my years would know how to handle a male.”

  Julie laughed. “Wisdom is gained through trial and error, and you haven’t had experience with either. Not when it comes to men, anyway.”

  “I must be making up for lost time—not that I want ‘experience’ with an egotistical, whiny, icky vampire.” Lie, lie, lie. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean you. You’re not icky. Neither is Kinich. I suppose Viktor and Helena are pretty nice, too, now that I think about it. But the rest…” She made a sour face under her veil. “Icky.”

  “So you find Antonio…‘icky’?” Julie asked.

  Ixtab sighed. No. Not in the least. I find him intriguing and irresistible. In an icky sort of way. Of course, I don’t appreciate him treating me so rudely. That’s a little uncalled for. Maybe. “Actually, I think I like him.”

  Julie smiled. “Oh, Ixtab. That’s wonderful.”

  Ixtab sighed. “No. It’s not. He hates me for having him turned into a vampire. And the ironic part is that he’s the only creature on the face of the planet I can touch. He’s immune to me. Even more ironic is that he’s the spitting image of the man I once loved and killed.” How odd. Confessing this dreary little fact about Francisco wasn’t nearly as hard as the time she’d told Kinich. Of course, she’d never told him the gory details.

  “Interesting,” Julie replied with a little too much levity. “Sounds like fate playing its hand.”

  Ixtab hissed.

  “Oh, not your sister Fate, but divine fate—it’s much more precise and intelligent. Not that I don’t like your sister.”

  Ixtab shrugged. “Wouldn’t care if you didn’t. She’s no friend of mine.” Neither is Antonio—which I don’t get. Can’t he see I saved his life? Twice? “You think we’d at least get along.”

  “I never had any sisters, but perhaps if you spoke to her,” Julie said.

  “I meant Antonio. But Fate…? The only thing that could induce me to forgive her would be her public admission of being a complete fraud and jackass. Even then, I still might need to see her suffer in a volcano for a few thousand years.”

  “Whatever she did must’ve been pretty bad,” Julie said.

  “Ruthless is more like it. The one thing I’ve learned is that nothing is forever, including being the Goddess of Suicide. A rotation of powers will come, and then we’ll have to see where the chips fall. Until then, I get the chair with the pointy nipples. I get to taste and feel humanity’s darkest moments. I get to be hated by egocentric, brainy vampires.”

  Julie looked out past the horizon. “He doesn’t hate you, Ixtab. If he did, you would not be foolish enough to have feelings for him. Love doesn’t work that way.”

  Whoa there! “Who said anything about love? I’m strangely attracted to him in a highly irrational, addictive, euphoric sorta way, where I might possibly cease to exist if I never see him again, which is the textbook definition of lust. Not love. Besides, he made it clear he doesn’t wish to see me again.”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t mean it,” Julie argued. “He’s been through a lot, and now he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

  “Actually, that’s his enormous ego,” Ixtab replied. “Have you seen the size of that sucker?” Ixtab spread her arms to demonstrate. “Needs its own blinking lights and Wide Load sign.”

  Julie smiled like a first-grade teacher with an MBA in patience. “Is it really that? Or is he simply a man who’s been drawn into a difficult situation and needs your help, your compassion? Look at all he’s been through.”

  Damned angels. Always so, so, so… right!

  “I want to show him compassion, trust me. If you only heard the things he said, you’d understand that the situation isn’t salvageable. He truly, truly hates me. Perhaps deservingly so.”

  Julie c
huckled. “Then ask yourself why he rejected Fate’s help repeatedly and demanded you instead.”

  Oh. “He rejected her?”

  Julie nodded. “She tried all night to convince him to work with her—he is quite the catch, you know—but when he said no, she was so miffed, she stormed out and hasn’t returned.”

  Maybe he rejected her because he wanted to torture me. He admitted as much.

  Ah, but he did “respond”—clears throat—to you, so maybe she has a point. Ixtab’s stomach fluttered with joy, recalling his very masculine response to their bodies touching.

  Piff. Probably some vampire hormonal reaction. After all, vampires were notorious for their prolific erections. He’d probably get excited if a cucumber salad looked at him the wrong way. Vegetarian vampire! Really? Who ever heard such ridiculousness!

  Ixtab smiled under her veil. Actually, the thought of him sucking down carrot juice made him that much more attractive. He wasn’t a killer like she was. “All right. What do I do?”

  Julie shrugged. “You’re the deity; take the high road and apologize for whatever it is you’ve done. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of practice with that over seventy thousand years.”

  That would be a resounding yes. Especially if one happened to be referring to the unintentional slaying of beloved pets.

  “Okay. I’ll do it. How do I look?” she asked Julie and held out the flowing hem of her very drapey dress.

  “Um… um. You look very… mysterious?”

  “Excellent!” Better than morbid.

  “I did not mean the good kind of mysterious,” Julie said politely.

  “You didn’t?”

  “Have you considered a new look?” she asked.

  No. Not at all. The clothes kept the world safe; they reminded Ixtab to always be careful and prevented people from getting too close. The “freaky” factor to her look was critical. “What did you have in mind?” Ixtab asked.

  “How about something a little more modern? More revealing perhaps?”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to give up the veil.”

  “Then take one step and change something else.” Julie’s eyes swept over the dress.

  Ixtab pondered the advice. “I supposed I could buy something new once the stores open—I’ve always wanted to try some of those undergarments I see humans wear.”

  Julie lifted a brow. “You’ve never worn underwear? Or a bra?”

  She wasn’t human, so her body didn’t really sweat or get dirty in an underwear sort of way. And her breasts were eternally perfect. The only reason she’d have to wear undergarments would be to please a man, which had never really been a part of the equation. “No. I go commanda.”

  “Okay, then. Panties would be a great place to start.”

  Chapter Dieciocho

  The next morning, Ixtab entered Antonio’s quiet apartment and anxiously pressed her ear against the laboratory door. Despite what she’d said to Julie, apologizing wasn’t easy; although given her flair for mistakes, she considered herself an expert. Just as she might consider herself an expert at being cruel when she felt the recipient deserving. Yes, there had been a truth to what Antonio said. She had enjoyed his suffering on the day they’d met so perhaps she deserved his distrust and anger. She’d seen him as nothing more than a man floozy who looked like someone she’d once loved, and she had wanted to punish him for it. That was a mistake for which she now felt sorry.

  Here goes nothing. She opened the door to his lab and found him sitting in his usual spot. “You don’t need to kill to drink blood, yanno. The bagged blood is donated by perfectly healthy living people who stay that way after leaving their deposit.” She held up a bag of blood. “Yummy. Yummy. O negative in my tummy.”

  Antonio paused in his writing for a moment, but did not look up or acknowledge her presence.

  “Boy, tough crowd tonight,” she said.

  “It’s morning,” he grumbled.

  “True. Did I ever tell you the one about the Spanish vampire physicist and the Goddess of Suicide who were tasked with unlocking a portal to another dimension in order to stop the destruction of the planet?”

  He didn’t even crack a hint of a smile, but dammit if he didn’t look gorgeous. And not because he’d gone and showered or shaved or anything like that. Oh no. The man had a good centimeter of black stubble covering his angular jaw, his usual stylishly mussed hair was completely disheveled, and he’d removed his T-shirt and replaced it with a black apron that exposed his corded biceps and barely covered his well-formed pectorals.

  Ixtab’s mind sputtered; he was simply too divine to be true. Gods, she couldn’t think or breathe or remember her damned name. How the hell would she be any use to him in this state?

  “I’m waiting,” he said flatly, scribbling away.

  “They were totally fucked.”

  His head snapped up, and he glared at her. “That wasn’t funny. Not even a little.”

  “I’m the Goddess of Suicide. What do you expect?”

  He chuckled and returned to his formula.

  He laughed? It was a proud moment.

  “So. Can I interest you in a bite?” she asked.

  His eyes darted up, not completely reaching her face, then back to his writing again. “No thank you.”

  Had he looked at her breasts? She had worn her low-cut black dress that hugged her upper torso and then flared slightly at the hips. She’d also made sure to put on her shorter veil, the one that landed just below her shoulders, specifically to show off her newly elevated bustline. Not that the girls had sagged before, but this contraption she’d purchased scooped them up and pushed them together. “Men of this era really like intermammary sulcus?” she’d asked the fitting room clerk, thinking this fad had gone out in the 1700s.

  The woman had simply stared.

  “Yes, of course. That’s a silly question.” Ixtab rotated in the mirror viewing her curvy, five-foot-eight frame. “You don’t think it makes my breasts look like a tiny butt?” Ixtab had asked.

  The woman shook her head and assured Ixtab the garment would be worth every dime. She’d even convinced her to purchase matching pink, lacy “boy shorts,” insisting it was “all the rage with the men.” Ixtab still wasn’t sure why boys would want to wear pink lace or why men would wear the undergarments of boys when there was no room for their “man junk,” as she’d heard the youth called it nowadays.

  Antonio’s eyes returned to Ixtab’s chest for a brief moment, as if he were struggling not to look, but couldn’t resist.

  Oh. He did it again! Yippee!

  Her joy then stumbled and tripped. Oh, pita chips. The clerk hadn’t told Ixtab what to do after the bra had done its job of attracting attention.

  Maybe I am supposed to show him my breasts? She suddenly wished she’d paid closer attention to the mating rituals of humans. Yes, yes, she understood the nitty-gritty basics; however, the finer details? It had seemed like a waste of time given the unlikeliness of ever having any nitty-gritty.

  Hmmm… She’d seen a few movies where mortals pretended to talk about one thing, but were really talking about sex. Perhaps she should give that a go.

  Clear throat, shoulders back, and… “You’re sure you’re not hungry?” She placed the bags on the table in front of him.

  “I wouldn’t say that,” he said plainly.

  “Perhaps a little taste might make you feel better.”

  “No amount of blood will make me feel better,” he stated bleakly.

  Okay. That didn’t work. Perhaps he missed the cues.

  Or perhaps you should just show him your boys’ underwear?

  Yes! She reached for her hem, then caught a glimpse of sadness flickering in his eyes. Oh, hell. Good job, goddess.

  Abort seduction ploy. She mentally sighed. “What will?”

  “Are you offering your help?” he said as if he secretly desired it.

  His undertone of desperation clawed at her insides. Gods, it was the damnedest thing, but his d
espair suddenly felt like her own. And not only did she feel uncontrollably compelled to help him, she also felt something pulling them together. Could it be fate?

  Yes. Perhaps this was fate—the good, universal, intelligent fate, of course. Not that horrible snooty, “too good for you” sister of hers. Could this crazy, strong, sophisticated man, tinged with a feral darkness and armed with razor-sharp intelligence, be the answer to her prayers? There was only one way to find out.

  Show him your panties?

  No, you idiot! Your heart. Show him your heart.

  A rush of courage washed over her, compelling her to open up. “I’ve never told anyone this,” she blurted, “but I wear my veil as a punishment for the innocent lives I’ve taken.” There. I said it. “To be clear, I do everything in my power to save people, but I can’t stop killing a few by accident. Including someone I once cared very deeply for. I’ve never forgiven myself.”

  He crossed his arms and studied her with his dark green eyes. “Why are you here, Ixtab?”

  “Why do you want me here?” she asked.

  “Who says I do?” He got up, stepped around the table, and took several steps toward her.

  “You. You told Fate you wanted me here.”

  “Maybe I just didn’t want her.”

  Ouch. “I’m sure I deserved that after I killed your cat. And I did enjoy watching you suffer—just a little. And I’m sorry. I’m also very sorry for having you turned into a vampire. At least part of me is because it’s not what you wanted. The other part of me couldn’t be happier that you’re still alive.”

  He questioned her with his eyes.

  “Because of the saving humanity stuff,” she added quickly. “Obviously, I could never be into you—a vampire.” She poked him in the arm. “Much.” Gods, that felt good!

  He studied her with his cold eyes. “You’re like an infuriating child, you know that?”

  True. So true. A slightly infuriating child with panache for death. “I’ve actually been told I’m a basket of fun. My sister Cimil says they should supersize me.”