Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Gods dammit. Please come. Gods, he’d never felt so anxious or desperate in his entire life.

  Antonio spun around, taking in the eeriness of the jungle skirting the base of the black jade pyramid. There were no animals, no birds, nothing but complete silence.

  A gentle wind blew across his face. It smelled of daisies and vanilla. “Ixtab?” He looked toward the sky and treetops.

  No response.

  Was she watching him now? He closed his eyes, longing for the vision of her that once haunted him, but nothing came. No, if he wanted to see her again, he’d have to put his faith in fate. Not Ixtab’s sister Fate—horrible woman—but the fate ruled by the Universe. So where the hell were Maggie and Ixtab?

  “You coming?” Kinich called out from above.

  “Sí, I am coming.” Antonio climbed the large steps, feeling the energy radiating from deep within its bowels. He could not imagine being inside such a dark, overwhelming place, although his stomach disagreed and grumbled loudly. Well, at least he was hungry, because he had a feeling he was about to eat a very large meal.

  Atop the pyramid, Antonio observed Kinich tying back his long golden-brown hair and then hooking on his harness. There was no fear or hesitation in his movements, which made Antonio think that perhaps after so many millennia of existing, there was little left that scared such beings. It was odd to think that someday he, too, might be thousands of years old. He could only hope to have Ixtab at his side for every moment of it.

  Kinich positioned himself over the mouth of the black hole and winked before jumping feet first. The soldiers, all large men, held the rope easily and allowed its length to slide at a steady pace through the pulley system, down into the well-like structure.

  After a minute, the rope slacked in their hands.

  “Kinich has reached the bottom. He will pull on the rope once he’s ready,” said the largest man with cropped dark hair, who didn’t speak much, but seemed in charge given the way the men watched his every move.

  “How long?” And dammit! Where the hell were Margaret and Ixtab?

  “Should take a minute. He only needs to hook the other harness under Chaam’s arms,” said the soldier.

  Antonio glanced down the face of the structure where twenty or so men stood at attention next to the deities who appeared to be…bored? The deity wearing the toga played thumb wars with the beehive lady.

  Antonio shook his head. No. He would never fully understand these creatures.

  A minute ticked by, then another. Antonio’s cell phone vibrated. Caray. He slipped it from his pocket. Penelope. He had to answer.

  “Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay,” she said.

  “He’s still inside the pyramid; I’ll call you the minute—”

  “That’s the signal, men! Pull!” the Uchben leader yelled.

  Diablos. This was it. “I’ll call you as soon as it’s over.” Antonio hung up the phone and slipped it back into his pocket. As the rope came out of the hole, Antonio noticed how it had changed color, as if covered with some sort of black powder.

  Finally the top of a blackened head emerged, but was it Kinich? Or Chaam? The men pulled again and the top of the second man surfaced. The two were harnessed together. Both were large and covered head to toe in soot.

  The men quickly pulled them out and lay them both on the ground. Antonio hurried to the first man and brushed the black powder from his face. It was Kinich. The darkness immediately began to crawl inside Antonio’s fingertips. It was thick and sticky like molasses in his veins.

  Qué sabroso. Delicious.

  Kinich groaned. “That’s enough. Save my brother.”

  Antonio stepped over Kinich and examined the other man. He was large, if not larger than Kinich.

  Time to eat!

  Antonio rubbed his hands together and placed them on the man’s shoulders. The taste was palatably different. This was caustic and vile, nothing like the others. Antonio wanted to pull away, but found himself unable. He began to choke and hack, feeling his own soul violently protest the invasion. Oh, gods. So much pain, so much destruction…

  Suddenly, something slammed him into the cold stone platform. Antonio couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, couldn’t speak.

  “What the hell were you thinking, huh? Stupid, icky vampire!”

  * * *

  Ixtab placed her hands on either side of Antonio’s cheeks, pulling away the toxic poison. “Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah. Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah.”

  Despite his body twitching and trembling violently, he was still the most gorgeous, magnificent male she’d ever laid eyes on. “That’s right, Dr. Incu-pire, just relax. I’m here now.”

  His eyelids fluttered and his irises slowly faded back to their magnificent olive green with specs of gold and golden brown.

  “Is it you? Are you really here?” Antonio mumbled.

  She nodded. “Yes, my sweet man. I’m here.” Through a miracle of all miracles. Still holding his face, she leaned down and kissed his lips. They were soft and warm and the most heavenly lips she’d ever touched. And if they weren’t in the process of dealing with a very horrible situation, surrounded by a large group of soldiers, she would be ripping off his clothes and taking him right there.

  Antonio groaned.

  “Oh. Please don’t make that sound. It’s giving me very naughty thoughts at a time when you are incapacitated and vulnerable, which is only fueling my urge to take advantage of you in very naughty, publically inappropriate ways.”

  “Don’t let me stop you.” He grinned.

  Ugh… you have no idea what that does for me to hear you say that. “I’d like that, but…” she glanced at Chaam lying immobile on the ground. “I have to help him.”

  “No,” Antonio protested, unable to speak above a whisper. “Whatever is inside him isn’t like the others.”

  “You made a promise,” Maggie pleaded, running up the steps to the platform. Her red, pale, freckled face was covered in sweat and tears.

  “Dammit,” Ixtab scolded Maggie, “I told you to stay down there with the others.”

  The Maggie girl paid her no attention and dove straight for Chaam’s limp body.

  “Ugh. Thanks for listening to the goddess. You’re a real treat.” From the moment Ixtab had arrived back in Sedona, compliments of Máax’s expertise in both tablets and time travel—something she’d need to deal with later—this Maggie girl had been blubbering and apologizing and blubbering some more. She was a complete wreck.

  Ixtab removed her hands from Antonio and leaned down to whisper in his ear, “I have to do this.”

  She stood and walked over to Chaam. His large frame was lying curled into a ball on his side, and Maggie blubbered over him, petting his cheek. “Ohmygods. Hang on. Just… hang on,” she said over and over again.

  “No, please, no,” Antonio grumbled. “I can’t lose you. I love you.”

  Ixtab’s mouth fell open. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to hear that?” She beamed. “I love you, too, vampire.”

  “Then don’t do this,” he mumbled. “Just help me up; I will cleanse him—”

  “No,” she interrupted. “I am truly immortal and cannot be killed. You are not.” Although deities were vulnerable. Case in point, Chaam, her beloved brother. The sort of darkness that gravitated toward a deity wasn’t the same for a human, vampire, or Maaskab. This was a thousand times more potent. When she’d once tried to heal Cimil of her insanity, not only had Ixtab failed, but it felt like her body had been injected with acid. Then two hundred years later, she awoke. Yes, bad deity juju was some seriously strong stuff. Despite the odds, she had to try. She had to. Maggie and Chaam had been wronged, and though Ixtab wasn’t responsible, it was the right thing to do. It was what she hoped her brethren might do for her if the situation were reversed. Her only comfort was knowing Antonio was now immortal. Hopefully, he’d be there when she woke up.

  Here goes nothing…

  Ixta
b placed her hands together, said her prayer, and then kneeled to place them on Chaam’s back. In the first few moments, she felt nothing, but then the floodgates of dark energy opened. She tasted so much pain, so much despair. Her light jolted inside her mortal shell, as if wanting to flee from the heinous monster invading her body. Then came the screams and blood and agonizing pleas of his victims. So many faces, so young, so horribly murdered. Ixtab reminded herself that such things, such hideous atrocities were not of his doing; he’d been possessed. Inside Chaam, there was a kernel of goodness fighting to resist every evil act, every violent moment, but the darkness inside had been too strong.

  Ixtab drank his pain, drank his darkness, and allowed herself to fill until she tasted Chaam’s light running clean.

  She snapped her hands away and stared at her palms. Her skin was dark gray. Gods, how did she still manage to stand?

  “Is it over? Is he all right?” Maggie asked, kneeling down and stroking Chaam’s cheeks.

  Chaam groaned and cracked open one turquoise eye. “Bobcat, is that you?” he whispered in a raspy voice.

  Maggie burst into joyful tears. “Yes, your bobcat is here.”

  “Ha! I did it! I did it!” Ixtab did a little dance and then crouched down next to Antonio. “I’d kiss you right now, but you look like you’ve just gone to the all-you-can-eat ninety-nine cent buffet. Are incu-pires supposed to be that shade of green?” She smiled.

  “Are goddesses supposed to be gray?” Antonio mumbled.

  “I’ll be fine; just need to find a place to dump this bad juju.” Too bad Antonio was out of action. Maybe she could off-load onto a few trees until she located country-club members.

  “Chaam,” Maggie said, stroking his soot-covered forehead, “you’re safe now, my love.” She kissed his lips repeatedly and cradled his head.

  Ixtab had never felt so happy. Antonio was safe, albeit green, and Chaam was cured. Ixtab looked at the soldiers who were still poised in a strike position in case things went south with Chaam. “Well, don’t just stand there! Get Chaam loaded into a Jeep and to the airstrip.”

  “No,” Chaam grumbled. “We cannot leave.”

  “What?” Maggie said frantically. “Honey, we need to get you out of here.”

  “Help me sit up.” His voice was scarcely a whisper. Maggie lifted his head and helped him up. “The Maaskab will never let you leave here with me.”

  “But Chaam. We can’t stay here, it’s too dangerous,” Maggie argued.

  Chaam looked at her pale, sweet face. “Maggie, my love. It’s okay. I am their king; they do not know what’s happened here and will not hurt me. And we must let the others leave safely.”

  “Honey, they could be watching us now. They’ll know,” Margaret argued.

  “Then you and I will put on a nice show for them to see. Get ready to run; we are going to fake a getaway,” he commanded.

  Kinich, who’d been helped up by two soldiers, pulled away and crouched in front of Chaam. “Brother. You don’t need to do this. We’ve got plenty of men—”

  “No!” Chaam barked. His soot-covered face and glowing turquoise eyes made him appear like a creature of the netherworld. “There will be no fighting. I will not have Margaret’s life risked. If I stay, the Maaskab will let you all leave in peace—I will see to it.” Chaam blinked. “What the hell happened to you, Kinich? Are those fucking fangs?”

  Kinich grinned to display his incisors more clearly. “They are nice, yes?”

  Chaam blinked again, but did not reply.

  “There have been many changes, including my mate, Penelope, who is carrying my child and now co-ruling the House of Gods,” Kinich added.

  Chaam smiled, clearly believing that was a joke. Wait until Chaam made it to the next summit meeting.

  “Go. All of you.” Chaam looked at Margaret.

  “I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever,” she protested so vehemently that her body trembled violently. She looked like she might punch him in the man-fritters.

  Chaam frowned. “I will join you in a few days, I pro—”

  “No!” she screamed. “I’m not leaving you. And if it’s safe for you, then it’s safe for me because I am your queen.”

  Ixtab giggled. Margaret was perfect for Chaam. She had the right amount of sweet, the right amount of sour. “I suggest you listen to her, brother. Margaret doesn’t seem like the type to back down.”

  Chaam pulled Margaret down into his lap and kissed her deeply.

  “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” said Kinich. “This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. Oh, by the way brother, make sure your fucking Scabs release Guy and the vampires—that was the deal for setting you free. And I’d stay the hell away from Guy if I were you until someone’s had a chance to fill him in.”

  Chaam broke the kiss and winced. Obviously, he remembered all of the terrible things he’d done, including trying to kill Guy’s mate at one point.

  “It’s not your fault, Chaam,” said Margaret. “It was Cimil.”

  Chaam nodded. “I know, but the things I’ve—”

  “No. We’re not doing this right now.” Margaret kissed him again.

  “She’s right, Chaam,” Ixtab pointed out. “We really should get the hell…”

  “Ixtab?” Antonio had been sitting on the ground next to Ixtab, but now hovered over her. “Ixtab? Ixtab! Are you all right?” he screamed.

  “How did I get on the ground?” She felt her body becoming heavier and heavier as if being pulled to the Earth’s inner core.

  Antonio’s dark green eyes drilled into her. “Don’t do this Ixtab. Don’t go…”

  His voice faded into nothing as the screams and howls of Chaam’s victims consumed her until she was nothing.

  * * *

  Panic. Pure fucking panic. Ixtab’s skin had turned a ghastly shade of gray, almost like she’d been spray-painted the color of a storm cloud. Then he noticed black spider veins spreading over her face and arms.

  “Help her!” Antonio looked at Maggie, Kinich, Chaam, and the soldiers. No one stepped forward. “What the fuck is wrong with you people? Help her!”

  Kinich’s face filled with torment. “Antonio, we cannot touch her, only you can. You can help her.”

  Caray!

  “Listen,” Kinich added, “we need to leave here now. I sense the Maaskab are near, and as Chaam pointed out, we do not want a fight on our hands. It’s not the right time.”

  Antonio stared down at Ixtab’s immobile face, his heart torn in half. “I can’t lose her,” he whispered.

  “And you won’t. But now is the time to be strong, vampire.” He felt Kinich’s firm grasp on his shoulder. “We must go.”

  Antonio slipped his arms beneath her body, instantly feeling the darkness slither through his skin and making its way into his veins. Hmmm. Tastes kind of… nutty?

  Chapter Treinta y Tres

  Ixtab snuggled against the masculine warmth at her side and savored the sensation of being completely enveloped in a sweet male scent. She nuzzled her face against the source of the heat. Gods, it felt like heaven—smooth and firm. All man…

  Cue Marvin Gaye song now. Sexual healing, I want… sexual healing… la-la-la-la…

  “Ummm…” she groaned, never wanting to leave this dreamy place filled with luscious, sensual energy.

  She felt a warm hand run down her back and pull her closer into the soothing heat, which she now realized ran the length of her body.

  “Umm…” she groaned again. Best dream ever.

  Upgrading now: “Unchained Melody”…

  Sigh.

  How about, “Bump Uglies”?

  Yeah, The Krabbers rock. Ukuleles are magical.

  “You like that, do you?” a deep male voice whispered in her ear. Her mind began to slip out of the foggy paradise. But she didn’t want to leave it. Everything felt so good.

  “Mahalo… Yes. I like it,” she mumbled, not bothering to open her eyes. “More.”

  The hand slid from her
back to her backside. A firm hardness pushed into her belly. Her naked belly. And a naked hardness?

  Ixtab opened her eyes slowly.

  “I’m glad to hear you say ‘more,’ because more is exactly what I had in mind.” Antonio’s green eyes and hungry smile greeted her.

  Yes, best dream ever…

  She blinked and stared at his stunningly handsome face—thick, dark lashes; straight nose; well-defined cheekbones; and sultry, full lips in the shape of a heart. And though there was an exquisite perfection to him, his black stubble and strong features made his appearance fiercely masculine. Then there was her favorite part…that deep olive skin against his green eyes.

  “You’re breathtaking, you know that?” she said and lifted her hand to his face.

  “Nowhere near as breathtaking as you,” he said.

  “How would you know? You’ve never really seen me,” she replied to the dreamy vision of Antonio.

  He smiled. “Now you’ve put me in the unfortunate position of sounding like an appalling pervert because I’ve done nothing but look at you for one week straight.” He kissed her lips softly. “Every.” He kissed her lips again. “Single.” Another kiss. “Inch.”

  “Really?” she asked, unable to keep from panting gently while her body worked itself into a quiet, sizzling frenzy.

  “Oh yes. Well, almost every inch.” This time he kissed her with an urgency that sent the blood rushing between her legs. His heated tongue slipped inside and massaged hers with his own. She’d never been kissed so deeply, as if he were making love to her lips. “There is one place I didn’t go. Saving the best for last, I suppose.”

  His hand slid underneath the silky sheets, over one breast, down her body. His head then disappeared and she felt him tugging at the only garment she wore. Panties?

  “Oh!” The soft touch of his fingers ran over her sensitive bud. “Ohhh!” His warm and silky mouth came next.

  “Oh my gods.” There was no preamble, shyness, or modesty with this male, but why would there be? He was just the sort of male who was used to taking control in the bedroom and well versed in the art of pleasuring a woman.

  Lucky, lucky me!

  His warm, smooth tongue glided over her with a languid, sensual pace—the pace of a man who clearly savored the task. She felt a little scrape of his teeth and her body snapped to. Wait. She looked straight up at the ceiling, realizing suddenly that this wasn’t a dream. This was the room she stayed in at Kinich’s estate.