The Do Over

by A. L. Zaun

He sat down next to me. "I'm not slipping out. I'm just waking up my Sleeping Beauty with a kiss."

  Wearing his gray standard-issued county polo and black cargo pants, he was ready for work. He looked down at me with eyes full of love. His lips curled into a smile as his fingers combed through my hair.

  "So, that makes you Prince Charming, huh? I like that. It's much better than you using stealth skills to sneak out," I said, pulling myself up.

  He wrapped his arms around me, dragging me into his body.

  "Anyway, you would've failed. I always feel it when you're not next to me. It's one of my superpowers."

  "Really? A bomb could go off in here, and you'd sleep through it."

  He laughed as I straddled over him, causing my T-shirt to inch up.

  "A bomb, I'd sleep through." I laced my arms around his neck. "You slipping out, I feel."

  His eyes darkened with desire as his hands slid under my shirt, resting on my waist. "Are you sure those are superpowers? Or is it just the fact that you can't get enough of me?" he asked, his voice husky.

  My heart fluttered at his touch and words. It was a potent concoction that rendered me helpless. "It's a combination," I whispered into his ear. "My superpowers are fueled by my insatiable hunger for you." My teeth gently nipped his lobe. "I'm going to miss you. You've spoiled me these last few days."

  "Just these last few days? Shit, I'm slacking." He raised an eyebrow. "What are your plans for today?" His sparkling blue eyes captivated me while his hands slid up my shirt. His fingers began squeezing and pinching my nipples.

  I whimpered softly as I felt the heat and throbbing between my legs. My hips were grinding against his growing erection. "I'm thinking of going to yoga in a little while, stopping by my townhouse to make sure my plants are alive, and then having my girls' night out," I panted, reaching my arms around his neck. "Promise me you'll be safe."

  As he laid me on my back, he whispered, "I promise." After he lowered his pants, his tip teased me. "I'm all yours, baby. Always and forever, I'm yours." His lips grazed mine as he entered me.

  "I like the sound of that." I kissed him, gingerly grazing my lips along the side of his face.

  Sex with Liam—whether slow, passionate lovemaking, or hot-and-steamy fucking, or the quickie before work—had one thing in common. We were connected and complete as we became one with each other.

  We held on to each other for the few minutes we had left before he had to go.

  "I feel bad that you're giving up so much because I'm neurotic. At the same time, I love it, but I don't want you to resent me for it," I admitted.

  His tongue moistened his lower lip. "I'm not giving up anything. I'm gaining everything. I have the best of both worlds." He tilted his mouth toward mine and softly sucked on my lower lip. "I don't want you to worry about me. I'm not going anywhere."

  "And you know this for a fact?" I said, half-teasing. I buried my face in his neck, so he couldn't see the concern in my eyes. I had to get over this nagging feeling I had in my gut.

  "I have psychic abilities." His fingers traced the outline of my necklace. "What I see is you and me for a very long time. We're going to have a life filled with love, family, and half a dozen kids. The last thing I'm going to see before I leave this earth is your beautiful smile."

  "I don't want to think of you leaving this earth now or then, and we really need to talk about your expectations. Half a dozen kids is not happening, bud."

  I couldn't help myself from smiling though. He talked about a long life and a family. Both were things I wanted with him.

  After I walked Liam to the door, wishing him a good and safe shift with a kiss, I looked around the living room. My stamp had been left all over the place. It was mostly subtle touches, like the arrangement of pillows on the couch or the throw draped over the corner of the arm. It was also my Kindle plugged into the outlet and magazines splayed across the coffee table. I realized I was playing house again. Although, this time, it was different. Now, I was home.

  I had a busy day ahead, and I was excited to have some girlfriend time.

  My first stop was yoga. Pulling into the parking lot, I saw Madison's car. I hadn't done yoga in almost a week, and I was actually looking forward to seeing her. Even though she was rough around the edges, there was something about her that I really liked.

  I walked in and found an empty spot next to Madison's mat. After I set up, I began stretching. The class was intense. I marveled at Madison's flexibility and tone. She did amazing things with her body. Her movements were fluid, strong, and focused, but most of all, she was graceful. I tried to imitate her poses, but no matter how limber I'd become over the past several weeks, I still had a long way to go before I was at her level.

  When the class ended, I thought I was going to pass out. I sat on the floor, staring into space, when a hand appeared before me. On her wrist was a beautiful bracelet I'd never seen her wear before. Madison smiled mildly. She looked uncharacteristically delicate. I took her small hand as she helped me up.

  "Thank you. I feel like an old lady." I laughed.

  "Come on, let's go get some wheatgrass. You'll feel young in no time." After she grabbed her bag, she tightened her ponytail. Adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder, she shook her wrist, causing the bracelet to slide down her arm a bit.

  As we crossed the street, Madison's mood changed, and the delicate woman who had reached down to help me up was gone. She was now replaced with the tough badass who walked with her head up high, her eyes steeled, and her heart hidden behind a fortress. I looked around, wondering if there was something that had set her off, but there was nothing out of the ordinary.

  We entered the familiar juice bar. I eyed our table that sat next to the plate-glass window.

  "I love your bracelet. Is it new?" I asked, trying to strike up a conversation.

  "It was a gift," she said, staring at the well-known menu on the bright green wall. "Just leave it alone." She was impassive and detached.

  I'd never had to work so hard at making a friend, and I had to ask myself why I bothered. We could simply be acquaintances, discuss health and nutrition, and go on our merry ways. I was such a sucker for a project. She just seemed like she needed a friend.

  I patted her on the shoulder. "Okay, I will."

  After I ordered my wheatgrass with a mango chaser and a green smoothie, we made our way to the table. I set up my drinks, mentally preparing myself for them. When I looked up at her, I saw a tiny opening. She was sitting there with her eyes slightly downcast. She tilted her head ever so softly.

  I offered my last ditch effort to welcome her into the sisterhood. "My friends and I are having a girls' night out. We're going to Breathe. I'd love for you to join us." I threw back the shot and winced. It never got easy. "Ugh, gross."

  "Give it time." She shook her head and laughed. "I have to work tonight, but thanks for thinking of me," she answered politely.

  With that, I admitted defeat. Madison was one tough cookie.

  "Maybe some other time." I smiled flatly. "Um, you know, I've been mulling over something you said recently. Maybe you could lend some insight." I had played that conversation on an eternal loop in my head. I needed to get it out before I went crazy.

  She sat back in her chair, sipping her green smoothie. "Is this going to lead to one of your tit for tats?"

  "I'm not bartering for information. I simply want to understand what you meant."

  "Sure, go ahead." She chewed her straw.

  I leaned in with my elbows against the table. "You said that love was an illusion, and then you insinuated that I was in denial. What did you mean by that?"

  Her eyes fluttered up to the ceiling. Then, she steadied them on me. "Why does it matter what I think?" She shrugged her shoulders and placed her smoothie on the table.

  "I'm just curious as to why you said it. If it didn't mean anything, you wouldn't have mentioned it. You don't strike me as the type of person that says random things. You seem like you
select your words very carefully, so I'm curious as to why you said those things to me."

  "Yes, I said those words to you, but they weren't necessarily about you." She straightened. "Daniela, you're a smart, pretty, and very nice person. You also have two men who are vying for your affections. You're wearing a necklace that I assume is from Liam."

  I nodded as I rubbed the pendant between my fingers.

  "And then you have Rick, who just so happens to be on Lincoln Road every Saturday, romancing you with nostalgia and hope." She leaned against the table. "You need to decide who to hold on to and who to let go of. I don't think you're the type of person to have an affair. This isn't one of your romance novels. These are real people, so stop living in a fantasy and decide."

  If it were possible, my eyes would've popped out of my head as my mouth dropped and hit the table. At least, that was how it felt. Instead, I stared at her, speechless. I blinked rapidly. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Why do I have to choose? There's nothing to choose. I'm with Liam, and that's how it's staying. Rick knows that. He and I are just friends. It's innocent."

  She shook her head, laughing. "Are you really that naïve?" Her tone was harsh and condescending. "Or do you prefer to hide behind rationalization and denial? You mentioned that it was innocent. Do you think Liam would see it that way? How would you feel if Liam had multiple innocent rendezvous with an old lover? If what you have with Liam is real, then why are you living in the past with Rick? I doubt you love Liam as much as you say you do. He's just a placeholder until you have the guts to go with who you really want—Rick. See, love is an illusion."

  The stray cat was out to play, and her claws were sharp. She scratched, gnawed, and tore through me. I stared at her, shell-shocked. I brought my trembling hands to my lap. I bit my quivering lip and batted my eyes to keep the tears from welling up. There was nothing I could do to dull the ache caused by my pounding heart.

  "Are you done?" I asked, steadying my gaze. "You're so off base. You're wrong. It was a mistake to discuss this with you. You're obviously projecting your own hostilities on me. Maybe you need to stop denying what you're feeling and give in to what's going on with your goddamn cockblocking inconvenience. You can fool yourself, but you don't fool me."

  She tilted her head to the side, running her hand across the base of her hairline. "I'm sorry if I upset you. You wanted to know. Daniela, you live in denial. Make up your mind." When her phone chirped, she glanced at it, rolling her eyes. She blew out a deep breath. "I have to go. Have fun with your friends. If I don't see you, have a very happy New Year." She picked up her bag. "For the record, I'm perfectly in touch with reality. He's in love with someone else." She walked away.

  "Madison."

  She stopped with her hand on the door, but she didn't turn around.

  "I'm sorry for being a bitch."

  She nodded, pushed the door open, and left.

  One thing was certain. Madison would remain an enigma. I should've listened to Liam and not touched that with a ten-foot pole.

  I buried my head in my hands. I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. I replayed the conversation over and over. I was certain that it would stay on a loop. She's wrong. Of course, she was. What I had with Liam was real. What Rick and I had was innocent. I had everything under control. Why did she call me Daniela? No one called me that except for Rick.

  I straightened up. I refused to allow Madison's words affect me. She was obviously bitter and angry. She was definitely not cut out for the sisterhood. No shit. She didn't do the girlfriend thing, and now, I understood why. I pulled out my phone and tapped on the screen because I did do the girlfriend thing.

  Dani: Hey. What are you doing?

  Macy: Sleeping.

  Dani: Oh yeah. Wake up. I want to hang out with you.

  Macy: I just got off a twelve-hour shift. Leave me alone.

  Dani: Why are you working nights?

  Macy: Shut up. Come over, but I'm sleeping.

  I knew if I went home that I'd just obsess over the atrocities Madison spewed at me. The only solution was to spend the day with Macy. We would get mani/pedis, our hair blown out, and maybe add massages as well. We already had plans for dinner and girls' night out anyway. We could have a spa day and make it a full-day event. This would be the perfect distraction to erase Madison's words.

  While driving to Macy's, I decided I needed to make one very important stop. I pulled into the gas station, went into the quick mart, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out a twenty-ounce bottle of diet soda. The condensation on the outside of the bottle felt glorious against my hand. I twisted off the cap. Tilting my head back, I closed my eyes as I brought the bottle to my mouth. I allowed the carbonation to flow smoothly down my throat as a wave of euphoria filled me.

  "Ahhh, delicious." I let the carbonated and artificially sweetened nectar of the gods soothe my rattled nerves. "Fuck Madison and wheatgrass."

  I quietly entered Macy's apartment, laying my purse and keys on the counter. I opened the refrigerator and put away the extra bottle of diet soda I bought for later. While Macy slept, I curled up on her couch. This gave me the perfect opportunity to kick back, pull out my Kindle, and catch up with my latest read. It was very reminiscent of the days when I'd lived with Macy during my post-Rick-break-up drama. Rightfully so, she would kill me if she knew I was talking to him now. That alone should be motivation to stop my silliness.

  Madison's words haunted me as images of my time with Rick played in my head. There was nothing wrong with what we were doing. It was all a coincidence. No one was getting hurt. No lines were being crossed. We just had some stolen moments. Rick would get bored eventually. There was no guarantee he'd be there next Saturday. Who am I kidding? He would be there, just like he'd been there every Saturday for the past six weeks. He had to be with someone. There was no way he wasn't. He didn't do alone. I didn't want to think about him with anyone.

  I decided I wasn't going to see him anymore, even though I wanted to. Maybe just one more time. I wanted that time with Rick. It made the hurt go away. I have it all under control. I knew he wanted more. I could see it in his eyes, and I could feel it in his touch. No, he's fine with what we have. It's all fine.

  I loved Liam. I knew he wouldn't like any of this. Is that why I conveniently forgot to tell him? He would hate it. It wouldn't be Madison telling me to make a choice. It would be him.

  I felt myself being pulled in two directions—the past and the present. Why did I tell Madison that I might always love Rick? I was in love with Liam.

  I was snapped out of my cycle of destructive thinking when Macy tapped me on the shoulder. I turned, looking up.

  She stood over me with her arms crossed, wrinkling her brow. "Earth to Dani."

  "You're such a dork." I straightened up, shaking my troubling thoughts from my head. "I was caught up in my book." As I closed my Kindle, I was unsure if I had even opened a book. "Now that you're up, let's get mani/pedis and maybe a massage." I spoke her language.

  Macy's countenance brightened. "You must want something if you are wooing me with a spa day, not that I'd turn it down." She picked up her phone and started making appointments.

  I stared at my hands. I desperately needed a manicure. "Shoot me for wanting to spend time with my best friend in the whole wide world when I'm having a staycation. It's back to work on Monday, so take it or leave it."

  "Yeah, try again. I'm your best friend in the whole wide world who's on probation." She rolled her eyes, pursing her lips.

  "Fine, you're off probation, but you'll be very disappointed. There's nothing to tell," I lied. I had plenty I needed to talk about, like the flood of thoughts that were drowning me.

  Everything played through my head one more time. I stared at a clueless Macy, knowing exactly what I had to do.

  After a day of primping while avoiding Macy's probing questions, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror. We were both applying our makeup.

  "I can't believe you in
vited that skank to our girls' night out," Macy huffed. She placed the mascara down on the counter. "Look, I know you have this savior complex, and you like your stray cats. But did you even consider that we might not want to hang out with her?"

  I rolled my eyes. "Mace, chill out. She said she couldn't make it. You're not letting me finish the story. By the way, you should see the bracelet she got for Christmas. When I asked her about it, her walls went up. That woman could work for the CIA. I don't think anyone could break her in an interrogation."

  "Whatever. I'm sure one of her sugar daddies got it for her." Macy stared into the mirror, lining her lips.

  "I have no idea, but that's not the point. You're not going to believe what she said to me." I put down my makeup on the counter and turned toward Macy. "Okay, so since you're officially off probation, I need to ask you a question. I really don't care if you talk to Chris about it…well, I'd rather you didn't, but here it goes. Do you think I'm playing house with Liam?"

  "Yes," she responded quickly. She pulled out a very nice pale shade of pink lip gloss to offset her smoky eyes. "Did that bitch say you were playing house with Liam?"

  "No, it was worse. She said that I didn't love him, that what we had wasn't real, and that I was living in a fantasy world." I leaned against the counter, bracing myself for Macy's response.

  She stared at me through the mirror. "You talk to her about your relationship with Liam, but I'm on probation?"

  "Focus, Macy. I didn't talk to her about my relationship per se. I mentioned something when I was trying to get information out of her, and she totally assumed wrong. Anyhow, now she says that I'm just using him and that I don't love him. You even—quickly, I might add—said that I was playing house. The last time I did that, it didn't turn out well."

  "Dani, we have so many things going on here. Thank God I'm off probation, but I still can't believe you talked to that whore," she huffed, looking at my reflection in the mirror. "First of all, the most important thing for you to get through that thick head of yours is that Liam is not Rick. How many times do I have to tell you that?" She crossed her arms, tilting her head to the side. "That she-devil is wrong about you guys. And you're only playing house because you're scared to death that he'll hurt you, which I think is stupid since the man would walk through fire for you. He took care of your re-V card, passed the inquisition with flying colors, and gave you bling for Christmas."