The Do Over

by A. L. Zaun

  The room was warm and inviting, and the lights were dim. I loved this room. I'd always felt at home here with him. I could be selfish. I could think about what I wanted. I wanted this. I wanted what we had. I wanted him, all of him. That was never the issue. I just didn't know if he could have all of me until I let go of the past. I couldn't think about myself right now. I had to do what was right for Liam.

  He came back with a cup of hot tea. Without a word, he sat down next to me on the couch. He was being so patient with me.

  I took the tea from his hands. "Thank you." Those were the first words that I'd uttered since I'd arrived. I sipped the tea and then put the cup down. The tears had stopped, but it was only a matter of time before they would start again. I needed to be brave. I had to do this. I had to do this for him.

  The look of worry on his face was heartbreaking. "Baby, tell me what's going on," he said softly. He tucked my hair behind my ears, caressing my face gently, as his brow wrinkled with concern.

  I took a deep breath and pulled away. My heart pounded as the adrenaline surged.

  He grimaced. "Talk to me."

  He sensed something was seriously wrong. Of course he did. He was very perceptive and insightful.

  The atmosphere in the room became tense.

  As I removed the blanket, I turned to him and looked at those beautiful blue eyes that had always made me smile. Tonight, they made me tear up.

  "Talk to me," he said firmly.

  I took his hands in mine. "I love you, Liam," I said softly, looking into his eyes.

  "Baby, I love you, too," he said. His thumbs were drawing circles on the back of my hands. "You're scaring me. What's going on?"

  Looking away, I breathed in deeply as the tears started flowing. When a sob escaped from me, he pulled me into his chest and held me.

  "Help me out here," he insisted. "We can't do anything about whatever's upsetting you unless I know what's going on." He kissed my head and held me tighter. "I love you. You know I love you, right?" he asked softly into my ear. "I'm not going anywhere."

  I couldn't hear him say these things.

  "Baby, are you worried something's going to happen to me or us?" he asked gently. Trying to reassure me, he added, "You have me. You have my heart. I'm yours."

  I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face, and the rest of my heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. He would hate me in a matter of moments. I had become the protagonist that I hated—the one who broke the heart of a wonderful man because she was an idiot. I couldn't believe I had done this to him.

  I needed to give him exactly what he was giving me. Pulling back from his warm embrace, I looked into his eyes and steadied my breathing. In a controlled voice, I said, "I am so sorry." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I just can't give you what you deserve right now."

  The look in his eyes shifted, but he remained calm. He caressed my face and softly spoke to me. "What are you talking about?"

  I took another deep breath. I needed to do this before I lost the courage. I stood up, putting some distance between us. I couldn't be so close to him. I couldn't even look at him. I was a horrible person.

  "I, um…" I stuttered.

  He knit his eyebrows together.

  I had to just do this and get it over with in a Band-Aid fashion. "I need to say this. Please just let me say what I have to say."

  "Okay," he said, nodding. He shifted on the couch and sat hunched over with his elbows on his knees, looking at me.

  "I do love you. I really do," I said, my voice hitched. I took another breath. "It's not about that at all. You are a wonderful man. You are—"

  He stopped me. "Just get to the point, Daniela," he said sternly.

  He never called me Daniela. The way he said my name with the glare in his eyes strangled my heart.

  "You know about my ex and how our breakup crushed me?"

  He sat back and rolled his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair.

  I paused a moment before continuing. "He's been coming around," I confessed.

  Liam stood up and started pacing as he shook his head. "Go on," he said flatly.

  "I told you about the first time I ran into him on Lincoln Road. What I haven't told you is that we kept running into each other…every Saturday. I just need to figure things out, and I don't want to hurt you," I said, pleading.

  He turned around and looked me square in the face. His eyes were glassy, and his expression was tense. "Hurt me?" he asked. "Are you in love with him?"

  I shook my head, but then I said, "I don't know. I don't think so." I cried. I was so confused.

  He continued pacing as I told him everything.

  "I promise you…I swear to you on everything that matters to me that I didn't do anything with him. I swear. You have to believe me. I would never do that to you. I know I fucked up. I thought we could just be friends or be friendly," I said with desperation in my voice.

  He stood, leaning on the dining room table, with his head hung low.

  "Please, Liam, I beg you. You have to understand. When he and I broke up, something inside of me died. I don't know how to explain it. I just wanted that time in my life to not have been so horrible, and I thought I could replace those bad memories with good ones. I don't know. I wasn't thinking. It was like when I was with him, we were back then and not now. It was crazy and wrong. I know it was wrong, very wrong. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wish I could go back and do everything differently. I'm trying to be honest with you. You said you could work with honesty."

  "You have got to be fucking kidding me, Daniela," Liam growled. His eyes were filled with anger and hurt. "This is honesty? You've been keeping this from me for months. A lie by omission is still a lie. I put you first above everyone and everything. I've done everything in my power to make you happy. I have bent over backward to reassure you. I've even shared your affections with fictional characters. Fuck, I've loved you with everything I have in me."

  "If I would've known that this would happen, I would have never, ever let my guard down. I didn't know this was going to happen. I wish I could do it over again. I wish I could have handled it differently," I said with worry in my voice. "Please…you have to know that I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm trying to do the right thing now."

  "What is it exactly that you want me to do with this 'right thing' you're doing now? Because what I'm hearing is that you don't know what you feel or what you want with me. Are you telling me that 'it's just not happening for you'? You definitely surprised me. I was totally blindsided. Oh, wait…no, that's what your ex did to you. I can tell you right now that I know exactly how you felt when you were blindsided, and you're leaving me for the asshole that broke your heart."

  His words cut me like a knife. "I never said that," I whispered. "I just need some time to figure things out."

  He started pacing again. I could tell he needed to let out some steam. His arms were resting on the top of his head. I couldn't stand to look at his eyes, so I looked away. How could I do this to him? When I turned back, his back was shaking as he cried softly. When I placed my hand on him, he rejected my touch.

  "Just leave," he said, brokenhearted.

  "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love—"

  He turned around and looked deep into my tear-filled eyes. His eyes were pained and anguished. He said, "Don't even say it. Get out." Then, he walked away and slammed the door to his room.

  I went to my key ring and unfastened the key he had given to me and left it on the counter next to his key ring. I walked out of the warmth, closing the front door behind me, into the cold night. I fell to the ground, crying, as I held on to the doorknob.

  I slammed the bedroom door after I told her to leave my apartment—our home. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I still didn't understand any of it. I just needed to get away from her. I needed to think.

  Why on earth is she doing this? I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. A
s I looked around, I saw a couple of pictures of us by the bed. Her brush along with some of her girlie things mocked me. They had to quickly go.

  When I heard the front door close, I knew she was gone. I was so angry and frustrated. I pushed everything that was on top of the dresser to the floor. I needed to get my composure and regain control of myself. I needed an action plan.

  I fell in love with her. I picked up the Kindle that she had kept by the bed. As I held it in my hands, the memories that we shared flooded over me. I felt like I was drowning in them. My heart had been ripped from my chest. The aching pain was excruciating. Since that first night with her, I knew that I would never let her go. I just didn't know how to hold on anymore. The injury was too fresh. I needed to recover and regroup, and I couldn't do that with the constant memories that came from seeing her things all around me.

  Methodically, I began to pack her belongings into an empty box. I opened the drawers, went through the closet, and emptied out the bathroom. I walked out to the living room, and then I stared at the box before I sealed it closed. Everything was moving in slow motion. As I looked around the room, it seemed eerily empty as though the joy had been sucked out of it. I picked up the blanket that had kept her warm. As I held it close to me, a deep ache pierced my heart.

  I let out a deep breath as I continued to scan the room. I picked up her cup of tea and dumped it in the sink. When I saw her key on the counter, the knife plunged deeper into my heart. My key ring was in its usual spot, sitting close to where she'd left her key. It was the one thing I couldn't bring myself to do. I couldn't take the key she'd given me off my key ring. It was the only way that I could stay connected with her.

  I went back to the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the wall. Every time my eyes closed, I either saw her smile or her tears, so I stayed awake. None of this made sense. It just hurt so goddamn much. The hours passed.

  Before I knew it, it was seven in the morning, I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Chris.

  Liam: Need you to give Macy a box for me as soon as you can.

  Chris: Sure, dude. What's up?

  Liam: Just need the favor.

  Chris: Okay.

  I set my phone down on the table and dozed off for a little while until a knock at the door woke me up. I knew it was Chris. I didn't expect him to come this soon, but I was glad he did. Chris was a good friend. He was a pain in the ass most of the time, but without a doubt, the man always came through for me and always had my back.

  As I opened the door and stood to the side, I said, "Hey, bro, come in."

  Chris walked in with Macy.

  I wasn't expecting her. I just wanted him to come over, pick up the box, and get it out of here. "You didn't have to come right away."

  "Lucas, what's the nine-one-one? You never text me at this ridiculous hour unless it's important. You really think I wouldn't come over right away?" Chris said as he looked around. When he turned back to me, he said, "Fuck. Dude, what the hell happened? You look like shit."

  "Chris, not now," I said, holding everything together. I wasn't about to fall apart like the chick he said I was, especially not in front of Macy.

  I just needed Macy to give Dani her stuff. She was off in the corner, texting away. She occasionally looked up and gave me a small smile, but her eyes said something else. Macy walked over. She seemed surprisingly calm.

  "Liam, I can't get a hold of Dani. I've mobilized Candace to go to her house. So, it's up to me to get to the bottom of what happened." She tilted her head to look me in the eye. "Did you guys have a fight? Why do I have to give her this box?"

  With my eyes closed, I held the bridge of my nose, trying to find the words to best say things without losing it. Saying it out loud was going to make it real. When I opened my eyes, I let out a deep breath. I mustered all the control I could.

  "Dani needs to figure things out. Her ex has been coming around, and she wants to replace the bad memories with good ones. She doesn't know how she feels."

  I started walking in circles with my hands on top of my head, breathing deeply just to keep my composure. I was hurt and pissed.

  When I looked over at Macy, her body language had changed. Shit. I had never seen her look like anything but goofy. She was now a force to be reckoned with.

  "What has that motherfucking asshole, Rick Fucking Marin, done now?" Macy asked.

  Suddenly, a new level of rage emerged in me.

  Both Chris and I snapped our heads in her direction.

  "What did you say?" I asked Macy. I needed to make sure I heard her correctly. Can there possibly be more than one Rick Marin in Miami?

  "What has Rick done now?" she said, getting her phone ready to text.

  I took the phone out of her hand and gave it to Chris.

  "Babe, look at me. You have to tell us about Rick," Chris said.

  "I'm confused. Dani said she told you about her relationship with Rick, and the heartbreak, and the blah, blah, blah, he's-an-asshole-but-my-asshole shit," Macy said, rambling.

  I lowered my head so that Macy and I were eye to eye. "Focus, Macy. You need to tell me exactly who Rick Fucking Marin is," I said angrily.

  "Liam, calm down. You're scaring me. What do you want to know about Rick the dick, except that he's an egotistical, arrogant asshole? I'm going to fucking kick his ass, and I swear Candace is going to cut off his male appendage. Fuck, I knew when we saw him last week that he was bad news, but no, Dani told me to get over it."

  All I could see was red. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was ready to pop. Right now, I needed Macy to speak to me coherently. "Macy, just get to the fucking point! Who the fuck is Rick? And what do you know?"

  "Don't kill the messenger," she said quite seriously.

  Fuck. I didn't have time to deal with these power struggles. I needed information.

  Chris chimed in and said, "Babe, we just need to confirm the identity of Rick. I need to know if the Rick we know is the same motherfucker that you know."

  "I don't think there are that many Rick Marins in Miami. Let's see. Is your Rick Marin a motherfucking asshole? If so, ding, ding, ding. By the way, how the hell do you know Rick?" Macy asked.

  "Chris, I'm going to kill that motherfucker," I said, clenching my fists.

  Chris put his hands on my shoulders. "Lucas, calm down. He's not worth it."

  "That motherfucker has been fucking playing me from day one. Shit, that night at the club, I was ready to kick his ass when he gawked at her and made some asinine comment about tapping her." I backed away from Chris and started pacing. "During all those basketball games, he'd talk about getting his ex back. His ex is Dani. I fucking gave him advice on how to steal my girl. I'm such a fucking idiot."

  "Will someone please tell me what you guys are talking about? How do you guys know Rick?" Macy asked loudly. She grabbed Chris. "Oh shit, he's not the Madison hook up, is he?"

  "I know Rick from the clubs," Chris said. "I introduced him to Lucas that night you and the girls came to Breathe." He stopped and then looked over at me. "I didn't know, Lucas. Fuck, I'm sorry, bro. This is my fault."

  "Dani didn't see Rick for a couple of weeks after that," Macy said, cupping his face. "Chris, it's not your fault. Trust me. Rick is a manipulative prick. He's the one at fault here. Plus, we didn't see him there. Maybe it's all a coincidence. I always thought it was strange that he ran into her at Van Dyke's, but anything is possible, right?"

  "Is it a coincidence if he knew where she was going to be because I was an asshole and blurted it out?" Chris said, shaking his head. "Fuck, I'm going to kill him. Bro, I'm so sorry. Shit."

  I was done listening to all of this. I needed to get out of here. I was going to kill him. That motherfucker had been playing me for months. All the bodychecks, questions, and snide remarks now made sense. I knew I hadn't liked him. I'd always had a gut feeling that he was a douchebag. I couldn't see straight. I grabbed my keys and started for the door.

  "Where the hell do
you think you're going?" Macy asked. Standing with her arm out, she tried to stop me from walking out the door.

  "Macy, get out of the way. Where am I going, you ask? I'm going to have a little talk with that asshole," I said, trying to push around her.

  She was determined to not let me pass. For a tiny little thing, she was strong when she wanted to be.

  "Since we're all here, how long have you known about all this?" I asked Macy.

  Chris hung his head low, shaking it.

  "You're not going anywhere. Candace and I will take care of this. And, for the record, do you really think we knew about this? If we did, this would never have happened," she said.

  She acted as though she had some sort of say in the matter. This was my battle, and I was going to fight it.

  "Macy, move out of the way," I said sternly.

  "No. You're going to go kick Rick's ass because you're pissed off at him. Granted, I would actually like to watch that, but that's not the point. I'm going to go take care of my friend. This isn't about you. This is about what he's done to her."

  "Macy, let me make something crystal clear to you," I said with fire glaring from my eyes. "Dani and I are one. I don't know where she starts and I end. My fucking heart was ripped out of my chest because of that asshole. Don't you lecture me on my intentions. He did this to us. He fucked with her; he fucked with me. I love her more than I love my own life. So, move the fuck out of my way."

  "You know she loves you," she said.

  "Yeah," I said, "just not the same way."

  "That's not true."

  "Macy, save it. You're a good friend. I have to go."

  "Babe, give him space," Chris said. "Why don't you call Candace and wait for us to call you."

  "No, I'm going with you guys," Macy insisted, as she walked toward the door and opened it for us.

  The walk down to my car was rushed but quiet. We climbed into my car and drove to Lincoln Road since Dani told me she and Rick met there every Saturday. Macy spent the entire drive trying to convince me that I was wrong.