The Do Over

by A. L. Zaun

  "I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be. I'm pretty sure that Rick fucked with her head. He's a master manipulator. Please, Liam, don't walk away from her. She doesn't know what she's doing. Just be open-minded."

  I stopped acknowledging her ramblings. It wasn't Macy's job to convince me of anything. It was Dani's. At the moment, she had no idea what she wanted. I couldn't think about any of that. I only had one thing in mind, and that was Marin.

  "Macy, come on, babe. Leave him alone," Chris said

  "Ugh, I can't believe you're telling me to shut up." Macy said, sitting back in her seat. I saw through the rearview mirror that she had her arms crossed and was pouting. Chris looked over at her a few times, and she glared at him.

  "Dude, you need to calm down," Chris tried to reason.

  I shot him a look before I turned my eyes on the road, gripping the steering wheel as I drove toward Miami Beach, grateful that there was no traffic.

  I drove down Alton Road toward Lincoln Road and found a spot. After we pulled in, I jumped out of my car.

  Chris ran around to hold me back. "Lucas, look at me. Don't do this. He's not worth it."

  "He's a piece of shit, Chris. She's not, and she is so worth it," I responded with determination. I didn't know what I was going to do to him when I saw him, but I wasn't going to let it go.

  We turned the corner and started our way down Lincoln Road. I was walking, but Macy was jogging, telling me to slow down. I was in survival mode. I didn't hear anything around me. I assessed my surroundings, mentally calculating the dangers, the environment, and how to reduce risk.

  I was going into a fire to save her. And then I froze.

  I sat in my car, staring up at the light in his window. When I turned on my car, the radio started playing softly in the background. I couldn't put my car in gear. I wanted to run back up to his door and beg him to forgive me. I couldn't do that until I dealt with Rick and whatever was going on between us. I owed Liam that much. It would've been selfish to keep this from him and drag him through hell while I figured things out just because I couldn't bear to be without him. I had to stop being selfish. I put my car in gear and drove home.

  The ride home was dark and lonely, matching my emotional state. With each passing traffic light, my heart sank lower into despair.

  I pulled into my driveway and stared out the windshield. I willed myself to get out of the car and walk through the door of my dark home. I dropped my purse and keys on the table and then went straight to my room. I didn't have the energy to change. Crawling into bed and lying under the covers, I tried seeking comfort on this cold January night, but I couldn't warm the chill that had entered my heart. My tears were replaced by numbness.

  In the darkness, I flipped through the pictures of Liam and me on my phone. I watched the video of when he had serenaded me. My heart ached at the memory of when he'd declared his love for me during that weekend.

  He was my air. How would I learn to breathe without him? I'd never experienced this type of pain. My heart shattered into a million pieces. A realization seeped in. He was my heart, and now, he was gone. This was all my fault. What have I done? Why couldn't I just let go of what could have been with Rick and embrace what I already had with Liam?

  Morning would come soon enough. I would meet Rick, as per our unspoken ritual, an hour before brunch on Lincoln Road. Until then, I lay in the dark as I stared at pictures of Liam, gently stroking the image of his face.

  I whispered, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

  I put my phone down on my chest. Eventually, exhaustion got the best of me, but it was far from a satisfying peace. I tossed and turned the night away, never truly falling asleep. Lying on my side, I stared at nothing, hoping that somehow maybe it would turn into something. Could this have all been a bad dream? My splitting headache and the smeared mascara stains on my pillow told me it wasn't.

  My room was still dark even though I could see small rays of sun barely breaking through the corner of my blinds. My heart ached at the memory of when Liam had gone to Home Depot to take care of my morning-too-bright problem. He was always taking care of me. How did I repay him? I broke his heart.

  I pulled myself together. I had to get out of here. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle things with Rick. That was the major problem. I had to stop living in the fantasy of the past. I wasn't stupid. I knew that Rick was showing me his best behavior. As much as I believed he'd changed, there was something inherently Rick about him. It was that combination that was so alluring. I needed distance from the drug that was Rick Marin. I just didn't know how to walk away from it.

  As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, I reached for my toothbrush, but I pulled Liam's instead. Memories of the morning when he'd used my toothbrush rushed over me. Tears pooled in my eyes as I remembered his touch and the way he'd looked at me. I loved him. I felt regret course through my body and suck the air from my lungs as it squeezed my heart.

  I needed to finish what I'd started. I wasn't a fictional character who the author could redeem in a few keystrokes. The truth was that I was a loathed character in the story of my life. I'd made a huge mess, and I needed to clean it up. The only hope of redemption I had was to own it and somehow find the ability to forgive myself for destroying the love I'd shared with the man I adored.

  I put on a pair of black yoga pants and a hooded Miami Heat sweatshirt. I twirled my hair and clipped it up. I slipped on my sneakers and then walked out the door. As I reached for my sunglasses that sat on the dresser, I saw that I had a text message from Macy, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to her. I ignored her and walked out the door and got into my car.

  As I pulled out and drove toward Miami Beach, I heard my phone buzz again. Looking down, I saw that I'd had a few messages from both Candace and Macy. I'd deal with them later for what would become a lengthy discussion of the worst twenty-four hours of my life. I wasn't sure how to even begin to handle the fallout from them. If it were anybody else but Rick, they would've been completely loyal to me. But I brought this on myself. I should've talked to Candace that day we shopped, but I knew she wouldn't approve or understand. She would've lectured me and told me that if I continued down this path, that I'd regret it. She would've been right, and I hated that about her. Macy would be mad that I didn't say anything to her, but I couldn't trust her to keep her big mouth shut. She would've said something to Candace and Chris. I sounded like a freaking junkie hiding my addiction.

  My phone continued to buzz as I drove, and I was tempted to turn it off. I turned into the parking space and got out of the car.

  The sky was gray, and a snapping cold breeze blew around me as I walked down Lincoln Road. We wouldn't be eating outside today. The weather was keeping the freaks and models inside. South Floridians were such wimps. It was okay with me. The dreary, lonely road seemed quite fitting. All I needed was a little rain to make it perfect, but there were no clouds in the sky. Crap, I had to get out of my self-pity mindset. I needed to get a grip.

  I sat down on the ledge of the fountain where Rick and I had sat many times before. When my phone buzzed again, I saw I had a text message from Candace, but I didn't read it. I put my phone away in my purse and then buried my hands in my sweatshirt to keep them warm. I tucked my head into my chest to shield my face from the cold. Staring at my feet, I waited in complete numbness, freezing.

  "Good morning, sunshine," Rick said as he walked over to me.

  He was carrying what I could only assume was a cup of coffee for him and a hot chocolate for me. I was impressed that he remembered what we'd drink on cold mornings. I shouldn't have been surprised though that he looked like he had just come from a photo shoot. He was wearing black jeans that hugged him just right and a black leather jacket that was zipped up. He shot me that signature dimpled-Rick smile that could get any woman to do whatever he wanted.

  I tilted my head to greet him with a half-smile. "Hey."

  "Daniela," he said with concern in his eyes as he sat down
next to me. "Are you okay?" He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me. "Here, take this. You're freezing. Drink your hot chocolate. You'll feel better."

  His scent and warmth overwhelmed me. I was a junkie in a crack house. It was almost like he was holding me. I closed my eyes, embracing the feeling. I relished in it for a brief moment before I opened my eyes and looked over at him. "No, I'm not okay," I answered.

  On the drive over, I had rehearsed the conversation in my head. Somehow, my mind went blank. How do I tell him that I'm in love with another man, but at the same time, I miss what we had or what we could have had?

  I could tell he was searching for the right thing to say.

  "Look at me. Tell me, Cariño, what's wrong?" he asked with concern.

  In the entire time Rick and I had been together, I had never known him to be concerned. He'd always fixed things with a smile or sex, or he'd dismissed it altogether. His default, as was mine so often, had been denial. But here he was now, being gentle, kind, and caring. This was confusing the shit out of me. Why can't he just be the asshole that I knew? That would've made everything so much easier, but no, he had to go and be sweet. While I was wearing his jacket that smelled like delicious Rick, sweet Rick was doing a number on me. I needed to focus.

  "I told Liam the truth and broke his heart," I said.

  I heard the words out loud for the first time. They had the power to sober me up from my Rick high. A whimper escaped me, and a tear followed.

  My reality came crashing into my fantasy, and it was an ugly collision.

  When I first saw her sitting by the fountain, I thought she was just cold. I was glad I'd stopped to get her hot chocolate with extra whip cream, just the way she liked it.

  I knew this would be the last time I saw her. Madison had been right. I couldn't keep doing this to her. I needed to be the man she thought I was, not the man I actually was. I didn't even pretend to be running. This time, I came dressed as myself, no longer masquerading.

  I'd gotten to know Daniela differently. She really was an amazing woman who deserved to be truly loved. I could never give her what Liam gave her. He'd been right. I needed to love her more than I loved my dick.

  As I got closer, I noticed that she wasn't just cold. Her puffy eyes were downcast and her nose was red.

  "Daniela," I called out to her, handing her the hot chocolate. "What's the matter?"

  With barely a whisper she answered, "I told him the truth."

  This was unexpected and not part of my plan. We were supposed have that closure shit that women were always talking about. We were supposed to go on with our lives even though I was really going to miss her. Now, I needed to assess the damage from this confession.

  I gently wiped the tear from her face. "What exactly did you tell him?" Fuck. The more I thought I about it, I knew this wasn't good. Why couldn't anything ever go according to my plans? I really was trying to do the right thing.

  "Everything," she said, looking up at the sky with sad eyes.

  Damn, she's speaking in chick language. Everything could mean everything, or it could be nothing, or it could mean something. A million scenarios ran through my head, but with the look in her eyes, I could tell that I should imagine the worst. Madison had been right. I had ruined everyone's life. I couldn't believe she'd told him everything. I was torn between saving my ass and comforting her.

  "Why did you do that?" I finally asked, figuring that question covered both of our interests.

  She turned to me. "I couldn't lie to him or myself anymore."

  What is it with women and their inability to just get to the point? What was she lying to him about? What was she lying to herself about? Oh fuck!

  Nervous energy started to course through my body. I really needed to stand up and start moving, but she was sitting quietly. Instead, I bounced my leg and ran my hands through my hair. I accepted the fact that the price I was paying for being a motherfucking asshole was that I would go bald.

  "Cariño, look at me. What do you mean by lying to yourself? About what? Do you want to be with me?" I asked.

  A part of me wanted her to say yes. It had been my obsession for months. But the other part of me wanted her to say no. I knew the truth, and if she stayed with me, it would come out. Madison had been right. The truth always came out. Daniela was smart. The truth was that I didn't know how long I could keep up this charade, and she didn't deserve the snake oil I sold her. She had the real thing. Why did she have to tell him anything? She should've talked to me first.

  "Rick, I don't know how to say this. I love Liam," she said, closing her eyes. Then, she opened them, looking right into mine. "But when I'm with you, I can't deny that I feel a connection to you." She sighed deeply as she hung her head.

  "No, Daniela, I'm no good for you. You need to go back and talk to him. He'll take you back. He loves you."

  Shit. This was not happening. Why did she have to go and do that? I was finally doing the right thing. Damn, my fucking timing sucked.

  "It's not that simple. He told me to leave," she said as a stream of tears fell.

  Shit. This was just as Madison had predicted. Fuck. How the hell do I fix this now? I needed to calm her down and make this right. I'm such an asshole.

  "You love him. I should have stayed away from you when you told me you had a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I was a selfish asshole."

  "Why didn't you stay away?" she asked, looking so sad.

  I was definitely going to hell. I knew she deserved some degree of truth.

  "Hmmm…because I couldn't. When I saw you, I regretted everything I did, especially how I treated you. I wanted to make everything right with us. I wanted you back. I didn't deserve you then, and I most certainly don't deserve you now."

  "I did try to get rid of you, but you were persistent. The truth is that I'm the one that should have stayed away, but I didn't want to. I thought you were harmless."

  "Harmless? Really?" I asked her with a raised eyebrow.

  "Okay, you're right. I don't think anyone could say you're harmless. I just thought I could handle you," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

  Fuck. I'd perfected the art of being an asshole when I made her think she could handle anything I was bringing to the table. I fought between damage control and coming clean with her. I had to think quickly and remember Madison's tips. I needed to be the man Daniela thought I was. I needed to psyche myself up for this because I was on the verge of panicking. I chose damage control.

  "Daniela, nothing happened. You can go back to Lucas with a clean conscience."

  "Rick, what did you call him? Forget it. I don't know what I'm hearing. Anyway, that night…" she said, looking at me.

  I closed my eyes, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

  She exhaled slowly. "I wanted you. You could have taken me against that wall. I was ready for you."

  That was exactly what I'd wanted to do to her. Fuck. My dick was semi-hard. It wasn't fully hard probably because of my stress level and the fact that I was freezing my ass off. I'd wanted to fuck her so hard up against that wall. I could tell she'd wanted me. Her eyes had dilated. Her pulse had been rapid, and her nipples had looked hard. Fuck. I'd jacked off in the shower that night, thinking about how it would've felt to slide my dick inside of her right there in public. Shit. I needed to focus. I needed to love her more than my dick. I was going to be a hero here and try to undo some of the damage by taking responsibility. Whatever the fuck that meant.

  "I know you were…but you didn't. That whole thing was my fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were in control the entire time. You stopped me because you love him. You would never betray him," I said, running my hands through my hair. I looked over at her. "You never loved me the way you love him. I wish you did. I wish I were somehow worthy of it. But you don't, and I'm not."

  Madison would've been proud of me. I pulled it off. It was the truth…well, at least most of it. The important stuff was honest. I had wished that she would've loved me
like she loved Lucas, but she didn't. A part of me felt like shit because of that. The other part of me felt proud that I could actually do a non-asshole thing.

  "I love him. I really do love him. I feel like I have a hole in the middle of my chest right now. But how do I explain wanting you?" she asked, not letting go.

  Why on earth are women like this? Why do they have to analyze everything to death? Between Maddy and Daniela, they were going to drive me crazy. This was too much work. I really was too much of a selfish bastard to do this all the time.

  "What we had was intense, Cariño. When I look at you, I see a beautiful and sensual woman. I seduced you into wanting me because I know how your body responds to me—my voice, my touch, and my gaze. I wanted you, but that was wrong of me. You belong to someone else. I was being selfish," I said, confessing my sins to her.

  Her eyes started to get watery as her nose turned red. "I rehearsed in my head so many different ways of saying all of this, and nothing is coming out right. If you knew Liam, you would know the type of man that he is. He is such a good man, and he's wonderful to me. Those words don't even begin to describe him. You just have to know him. If you knew him, you would know what I was talking about. He's the best, and he always puts me first. His heart belonged to me. His friend Chris would tease him about being pussy whipped and turning into a total chick. Oh my god, it was hilarious. But he didn't care because he loved his girl."

  When she paused, I thought I was going to throw up my café con leche. My list of sins was getting longer. I was riddled with guilt, remorse, and a little vomit.

  "He sounds like a really great guy," I said.

  "Yeah, he is. I fucked up," she said sadly.

  I knew her friends would be arriving soon, so she wouldn't be left alone. I needed to do what I came here to do, and I needed to do it right.

  I stood up for a minute to stretch, and then I squatted in front of her. Taking her hands in mine, I looked her in the eye. "Daniela, you are a wonderful and beautiful woman. My life is better because I've known you. I want to be the man you think I am, but I'm not. You deserve everything. You don't belong with me. I don't think you ever did. Liam is worthy of your love. I came here today to say good-bye."