“We all have one what?” I ask, struggling with each word.
“A mud vein,” he answers, standing and stepping back from the car door. My brain scrambles to formulate a response, my mouth hanging open as I watch him close my door and walk away.
"Hello," I snap, fighting the urge to smash my phone while tightening my grip on the handle of the driver’s side door.
I’ve been sitting in this damn parking lot for thirty minutes trying to get my shit together, but my mind is replaying everything on a loop and I can’t seem to get ahold of my emotions right now.
“Brenden?” Cat questions, as if surprised I answered my own phone. “What happened? Lizzy called and said she’d be home soon. She sounded upset.”
My chest burns as I take a deep breath to calm myself. I know losing my temper with Cat won’t do any good. She’s not the reason I’m feeling this way. Lizzy’s sister may have been the one to set all this up, but I came here today knowing I shouldn’t—knowing seeing her again would only pull me in deeper. Now, my nerves are frayed and my stomach is knotted, and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself—I’m pissed for falling into her gravitational pull and freaked out by the emotional overload I’m feeling because of her.
“Nothing,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Everything went fine,” I continue, not entirely sure why I don’t tell her about the panic attack. Perhaps it feels like it would be a betrayal to Lizzy—or maybe I know Cat would only place the blame me and I can’t handle that.
“You’re not giving up already, are you?” she asks, her voice raising an octave. “I warned you she wasn’t going to make it easy on you.”
My jaw works back and forth, my breathing growing heavier as my anger spikes. When she came back into the restaurant last night and approached me about Lizzy, the only thing she told me was that her husband was no longer in the picture. She said Lizzy’s having a hard time with moving on and she thought I could help her.
After today’s events, I’d say there’s a lot more I need to be clued in on. Of course, I hadn’t asked any questions either and jumped blindly into something I knew was a bad idea in the first place.
“No,” I seethe. “Who’s Xander?”
“What?” Cat breathes, sounding caught off guard by the sudden turn of the tables. “Did she tell you about Xander?”
“She mentioned him briefly,” I answer, omitting how Lizzy didn’t exactly realize what she was saying at the time.
“Well, I don’t think it’s my place to—”
“It wasn’t your place to get involved in her love life either, but that didn’t stop you,” I snap, my temper coming to a head.
Cat lets out a gasp at my outburst and I slam my palm on the steering wheel, knowing I screwed up. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I got the impression Xander’s really important to her.”
Cat sighs, but otherwise remains silent. After making sure she hasn’t hung up on me, I run my hand through my hair, giving it a light tug. I know I should walk away—that I shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place—but a part of me knows it’s too late for that now.
“Xander,” she begins, and the break in the silence causes my pulse to jump. After a short pause and a click of her tongue, she continues. “Xander was Lizzy’s husband.”
A knot forms in the pit of my stomach as her words sink in. Tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I shake my head, not understanding why Xander being her husband is bothering me so much. Why did thinking about the way she sounded when she said his name, like she was desperate for him, make my chest tighten?
“So, she still loves him,” I state, knowing it to be accurate. Even if I hadn’t seen it in her eyes, the fact that she still refers to herself as married is a pretty big clue. “Will he be coming back into the picture?”
The tightness in my chest continues to build as I wait for her reply, my jaw clenching. No woman has ever gotten under my skin this way. My heart races, fearing he might still love her too and I’d have no choice but to walk away.
“If you want to know about Xander, you should really ask Lizzy.”
“But—”
“I have to go,” Cat says, cutting off my protest before disconnecting the call. My stomach drops as rage burns through me.
“Dammit!” I shout, throwing my phone onto the dashboard, the commotion gaining the attention of a passerby who looks at me before scurrying away.
Running my fingers through my hair, I take calming breaths, trying to make sense of this day—of the past couple days and everything I’m feeling. It should be easy to walk away from a woman I barely know, but the thought of never seeing her again makes me feel sick to my stomach.
An Overdue Goodbye
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I whisper into the fall air, listening to the wind blowing through the trees above me. As I watch the leaves rain down around me, a joyful warmth spreads through me and I feel closer to Xander. The picturesque setting is why I chose this cemetery. I find comfort in the beauty of my surroundings.
“I had practically sworn off men and love in general,” I say, scoffing at myself. The idea of swearing off love when you are only eighteen seems absurd to me now. “But you still managed to charm your way into my heart.” I smile as tears track down my cheeks, the memory of that night filling my mind again. I’d been downright rude to him, but that hadn’t deterred Xander. He refused to give up on me and I finally agreed to go out with him.
My heart begins to ache as the silence surrounding me screams the realities of the here and now. The agony of losing him engulfs me and my emotions go haywire—like every feeling and thought I’ve had over the past two years hits me all at once.
Coming here after having a panic attack probably wasn’t the best idea, but leaving the coffee shop, I felt a need to be close to Xander—to talk to him. I’ve become accustomed to our one-sided conversations over the past couple years, but laughing and talking with Brenden today felt good and it made me long for more.
“Why!” I shout as my emotions settle on anger. “Why go through all of that with me? Why make me believe in love and happily ever after if you were just going to leave me?” Sobbing, I collapse to the ground. Tears stream down my face as my body quakes and heaves against my will. “Why make me whole just to leave me feeling empty?” I whisper, my voice cracking through a broken sob as my head falls into my hands. I let out all the pain, the anger, the sadness, the crushing weight of desperation with each tear until I’m able to suck in a deep breath and swipe the tears from my cheeks.
Silence continues to fill the air around me, as I knew it would, but I don’t need to hear his response. I know exactly what he would say, and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want his sweet words or optimism. I don’t want some province whispered into the night or a deep quote. I want someone to understand what this feels like. I want him to hear my pain, my suffering. I want…I don’t know what I want, but before I can stop myself, I shout, “NO! It is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! That is such bullshit!”
Releasing the pain lifts a slight weight off my shoulders, even if I know it’s not true. I want to hold onto my anger, but I can’t. Deep down, I know my life is better because of Xander’s love. I was a mess before I met him. Unsuccessful ventures in love had left me bitter and untrusting, but he saved me from myself. He healed me and my heart. If it hadn’t been for him, I may have never learned to truly love myself, and I certainly wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect babies. Maddison and Sean are worth it all. The pain and heartbreak—they are worth everything.
I must keep fighting and stay strong for them. They need me now and I need them. My poor Maddison has been the strong one while I’ve fallen to pieces around her, and it’s not fair. It’s time for me to step up and be strong for my babies.
My anger begins to dissolve, leaving guilt in its wake. I have been so selfish and blinded by my own pain. Maddison has had to turn to a strang
er for the comfort and support she should have been getting from me, and Sean has become so desperate for my attention, it’s turned him into a terror.
I know what I need to do—what I should have done a long time ago. I have to let go. Let go of the future I thought I would share with Xander. Let go of the anger I feel toward the man who ran that red light and took his life. I have to forgive him, and I have to forgive Xander for leaving me to deal with this all on my own. I’ve allowed my sadness and loneliness to consume me for the past two years. I’ve done everything I could to hold on to Xander, and in the process, I closed myself off from everyone and everything I once loved. It was easier to hide from the outside world than face the harsh reality it held.
“I am so sorry, Xander.” As the words drift into the air, I realize I also need to forgive myself. I need forgiveness and acceptance. “I should go. Our children need me. If we’re going to get through this, we have to do it together. I get that now. I promise I’m going to do better by them. I’m going to be the mother they deserve.”
I try in vain to wipe away the new onslaught of tears, but more continue to fall. “I lost myself when I lost you, but I promise I’m going to do everything in my power to find her again. I will always love you, Xander, but I think I have to start letting go. If I have any hope of moving on and healing, I have to accept that you’re not coming back to me.”
Slowly standing up, I take a deep breath and summon all my strength. Admitting that to myself is hard, but also empowering. I’ve been treating the past two years like a bad dream I would eventually wake from, but accepting it as my reality gives me more control.
He hadn’t woken me before he left that morning for work and I remember feeling so appreciative because I’d been so tired. It hadn’t occurred to me I’d never see him again—that I was missing my last chance to kiss his cheek and tell him I loved him. I’ve wished a thousand times I’d gotten up with him that morning, that I’d told him goodbye properly, but I can’t go back. And I’ve refused to move forward—until now. As much as it hurts, I whisper, “Goodbye, Xander.”
It’s the only way.
This time, I don’t pause to wait for a response I know I’ll never get. I finally feel ready to start the healing process; to stop picking at this scab and making it bleed. I know I can’t expect to be the person I was before, but I also know there is more to Elizabeth Shea than this heartache, and I’m ready to reclaim those parts of myself.
“What is this all about?”
“Shit!” I shout, nearly jumping out of my skin. My hand on my chest, I take long, deep breaths, trying to calm my heart rate. “I didn’t realize anyone else was here,” I gasp. I don’t think I’ve ever been this on edge in my life, but it’s pretty much how I’ve stayed since the moment I saw Lizzy.
“Do you always go around cursing and throwing your stuff around when no one is here?” Allison asks with humor as she props herself against the edge of my dresser.
“What are you doing here anyway? Your other half is working late tonight,” I lie, hating the thought of telling her Jon is on a date. No matter how hard she tries to deny it, there is always hurt in her eyes when he’s with other women and it makes me want to cause him physical pain. Over the years, Allison’s become like a sister to me, and I don’t like seeing her upset.
“No, he’s not,” she says, looking down at the floor to hide the disappointment on her face. “He has a hot date,” she continues, planting a wide smile on her face, but it doesn’t match the dullness in her eyes. Allison is a pro at covering up her emotions, but I’ve known her long enough to see through it. “I needed to get away from my roommate. She’s driving me crazy. It’s about time I found a new place to live, but I have to wait until our lease is up.”
Wanting to avoid the awkward subject of Jon being on a date, I ask about her roommate as I take a seat at my desk. Allison has the worst luck with the people she chooses to room with. I’ve suggested several times for the three of us to live together, but they both insist it would be a bad idea, which I don’t understand since they’re together all the time anyway.
“Now, tell me what your tantrum was all about and stop trying to change the subject,” she demands, picking up some of the mess I made.
“I didn’t throw a tantrum,” I protest, crossing my arms and narrowing my eyes in hopes she’ll drop it.
“Really?” she scoffs, holding up the remote I’d nearly broken, an eyebrow raised and a halfcocked smile on her face.
“You wouldn’t understand,” I grit out, rolling my shoulders and stretching my neck in an effort to calm myself, but my embarrassment isn’t mixing well with all the other emotions flowing though me.
“Try me,” she quips.
“I wouldn’t even know what to tell you,” I reply, turning my back to her and looking out the window. If anyone could get me to open up and talk, it would be Allison, but I don’t know how I can explain anything to her when I don’t understand any of it myself. “It’s complicated,” I tell her, busying myself by straightening the papers on my desk.
“Complicated? Since when does Brenden Scott do complicated?”
“I don’t.” Unable to sit still any longer, I stand to face her again and run my hands through my hair, trying to gather my thoughts. My nerves are raw and frustration over the situation only continues to build. Allison’s eyes stay glued on me as I walk from my desk to the door and back again. “But this is—”
“Complicated?” She smirks, leaning forward to rest her elbow on her knee and chin on her hand.
“No, smartass,” I grumble, coming to a stop in front of her. “This is different,” I say. It’s the only thing that truly explains the situation.
“Wow...are you actually falling for someone?” Allison’s eyes draw in as she chews on her bottom lip, her stare becoming intrusive as she waits for my response.
“No,” I answer with a wave of my hand. “I don’t even know her.”
“But there is a her?” she asks, perking up.
“Ugh...no...” Tugging at the ends of my hair, I begin pacing the floor again. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You’re right. This does sound complicated,” Allison chuckles.
“I am so glad I can provide some entertainment for you,” I deadpan, plopping back down in my desk chair.
“I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes talking to someone can help. And here I am, someone.” She blinks rapidly and frames her face with both hands under her chin. She looks a little crazy instead of portraying the innocence she’s going for. When she begins laughing at herself, I join in, releasing some of the stress built up inside me.
“You’re not going to drop it or leave until I tell you, are you?”
“Nope,” she answers, unashamed. Lying back on my bed, she props my pillows up against the frame, making herself at home.
“Okay,” I sigh, gripping the back of my neck, “here’s the deal.”
By the time I finish recounting my rather strange and unsettling weekend, my heart is racing again. Nervous energy surges through me as I run my clammy hands down my thighs, one leg bouncing nonstop while I wait for her reaction.
Allison, on the other hand, is as still as a statue, her brows drawn together while her eyes scan my face as if she doesn’t recognize me.
“You have to say something,” I plead in a high-pitched, whiny tone.
“I don’t know what to say, Brenden,” she replies, sighing as the corners of her mouth curve down.
“What does that mean? You always have something to say.” Shooting back to my feet, I shove my chair under my desk before walking to the other side of the room.
“Okay, maybe I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not sure I can offer anything that will make you feel better.”
“Care to elaborate?” I grit out, clenching my fists.
“That’s really complicated—too complicated.”
“No shit. Want to tell me something I don’t know?” I ask, throwing my h
ands up in the air.
“Don’t get all huffy with me,” she says, crossing her arms. “As your friend, it’s my job to tell you the truth, and I don’t think getting involved with this woman is a good idea.”
“Christ!” I groan, lifting my hands above my head to grip the doorframe. “I said tell me something I don’t know. Of course it’s a bad idea! If staying away and not getting involved were an option, don’t you think I’d have done it already? I know how nuts all of this sounds, and I can’t really explain it, but I feel drawn to her.”
“That’s a pretty intense thing to feel for someone you just met.”
“Seriously, Ally, you’re like freaking Captain Obvious tonight,” I scoff as I shake my head. Allison smirks before sticking her tongue out at me in response. “Why the hell do you think I’m so worked up? I don’t know what to make of all this shit.”
“You know I’d never want to do anything to discourage you from pursuing something real for a change, but I think you need to be careful. It’s important that you try to look at this situation objectively. I mean, you don’t even know what the deal is with her husband and she has two small kids. If you’re going to continue to pursue her, you need to be sure you are considering all these things.”
“Don’t you think I have?” I say, exasperated. “I couldn’t sleep last night from pondering all this bullshit, wondering how I could even consider seeing her again, what it would even be like to date a woman with children. Hell, I don’t even know what it would be like to actually date someone—to have a real, honest to God committed relationship. I knew before I left this morning I shouldn’t go, but knowing what you should do and doing what is right are two different things.”
“She isn’t the kind of woman you can just have fun with and move on from,” she says, lowering her voice and averting her eyes to her lap.
In This Moment (In This Moment #1) Page 5