“You really don’t think very highly of me, do you?” I chuckle to cover up the sting of hurt, but there’s no humor in my tone.
“That’s not true. I know there is a great man behind that playboy exterior of yours. I know he’s been waiting for the right woman to come along, but I’m not so sure this woman is it.”
I don’t know that I’d consider myself a playboy as such, but I have made it a point to only get involved in meaningless relationships solely built around having a good time, like Angela.
Allison is right. Things couldn’t and wouldn’t be like that with Lizzy. Getting involved with her would mean going all in, and I’m not certain that’s something I am capable of doing or would want to do not knowing where she stands with Xander.
“Do you hate me?” Allison asks in a near whisper, her eyes still avoiding me.
“Of course not. Come here, sis.” I smile and wave her over for a hug.
She hops off my bed before scurrying over to wrap her arms around me. I let out a contented sigh, feeling calmer after talking to her about everything…even if I still don’t have any more answers than I did before.
Closer to Fine
Cat is already waiting for me when I get back to my house and I practically run inside, eager to hug my babies. As soon as I open the front door, she corners me in the foyer.
“Are you okay?” she asks, eyeing me with concern.
Rubbing my hands over my face to wipe away any remaining evidence of the tears I’d shed, I smile with wide eyes. I’m not sure I look it, but I feel pretty good. Saying those words to Xander wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. My heart has been so heavy from carrying around the pain of losing him.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” I look around her for Maddison and Sean, but don’t hear or see them. “Wait—where are the kids?”
“They’re outside playing with Lori.” Closing the little remaining space between us, she begins rubbing her hands up and down my arms. It reminds of the way she tried to comfort me in the hospital the night Xander died.
“Cat, what are you doing? I want to go see my kids.” I unsuccessfully try to step away from her as she pulls me into a smothering hug.
“Oh, Lizzy...are you sure you’re okay?” she asks, sounding like she’s on the verge of tears. “You sounded upset on the phone.”
“I’m fine. Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, pulling out of her embrace and peering into her eyes. “You’re the one who seems to be upset about something.” Panic hits and my stomach drops as I take in the sadness behind her eyes. “Is it the kids?” Feeling frantic, I step around her to make my way to the back door. “Are they okay?”
Cat steps in front of me, blocking my path again. “The kids are fine.”
“Okay…” I say, narrowing my eyes at her, “then why aren’t you letting me go see them? What’s going on?”
“I just thought you might want to talk.”
“Talk?” I ask with a slight shake of my head. “No. What would I need to talk about?”
Shrugging one shoulder, she replies, “I don’t know. Did anything eventful happen while you were getting coffee?”
“What?” I breathe, the hairs on my arms prickling as my breath catches. Of course she already knew about my panic attack. I’d had it in a public place and everyone talks in a small town like this. “Who told you about my panic attack?”
“Panic attack!” she screeches, her eyes widening. “Oh my gosh, Lizzy, what happened? I thought you said you haven’t been having attacks anymore.”
“I haven’t, but it’s not a big deal.” Stepping around her, I make my way toward the back door, needing to at least lay my eyes on my children since Cat seemed determined to keep me from them.
“Of course it’s a big deal. I’m worried about you, sis. We all are,” Cat says, following right behind me. “Are you still seeing your therapist?”
Whipping around to face her, I place my hand on my hip as my anger spikes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I’m still seeing Dr. Gentry.”
“I only ask because I care about you, you know? It’s been two years, you have to start letting go and allowing yourself to heal,” she says, her voice wavering as a single tear streams down her cheek.
Cat’s strong emotional reaction only pisses me off further. I let out a groaning sigh as I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize mourning your husband’s death had a time limit.”
“That isn’t fair, Lizzy,” Cat responds, putting distance between us as she leans against the counter top, wrapping her arms around herself. “I’m not saying you can’t mourn him or even miss him, but the way you’ve been living—or not living, as the case may be—isn’t good for you or the kids.”
“Jesus!” I shout, throwing my hands up in the air. “I’m trying, okay?”
“So, you didn’t go see Xander today?” she asks, raising her eyebrows and pressing her mouth into a hard line.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” I reply through gritted teeth, cutting my eyes at her as my body tenses.
Cat has pleaded with me time and time again not to spend so much time at the cemetery, saying my frequent visits were only holding me back. I ignored her, wanting to be close to him any way that I could, but now, as much as I hate to admit it, I know she was right.
“But it does. That’s what I’m talking about. That isn’t healthy.”
“Ahhh!” I shout, cupping my head in my hands and looking up toward the heavens, as if asking for divine intervention, before bringing my eyes back to her. “Just stop, okay! Yes, I went to see Xander, but I went there to tell him goodbye.”
“What?” she croaks, gasping.
The backdoor swings open, grabbing our attention, and Sean comes rushing in.
“Mommy!” he squeals, running over to me, his bright smile making me feel calmer.
“There’s my sweet baby boy!” I coo, dropping to my knees and embracing him in a hug. Maddison comes in behind Lori, but stays back by the door. She stares at me wide-eyed, fidgeting with the end of her braided hair. The look of uncertainty in her eyes as she regards me makes my heart ache. It’s as if she’s never sure how to act around me anymore. Probably because my behavior has been unpredictable for so long now. I’m going to fix that, though. I swear it. “Come here, baby girl.” With Sean still tucked under one arm, I wave her over with the other.
“Mom...I’m not a baby anymore,” she protests, although a smile spreads across her face as she willingly comes to embrace me.
“Hey, Maddie, I was thinking maybe we could go to the zoo next weekend. We could make a day of it. Take a picnic with us and everything. What do you say?”
“Really?” she asks, pulling back until her eyes meet mine, her eyebrows raised. Nodding, I smile at her. “Just like we used to do with Daddy?” Her question comes out hushed, her head dropping while her shoulders rise. Certain this is her way of testing me, I brush off the bout of dizziness the mention of our trips with Xander brings on.
“Yes, baby,” I answer, keeping my tone even, my smile and eyes bright. It’s time for me to be brave. Even though I’m frightened and unsure of our future, I need her to see I’m going to try. I need her to know I want things to be better too. “Just like we used to do with Daddy.”
“I think Sean would love that!” she exclaims, clapping her hands together and bouncing on her feet.
“Me too, baby.”
I pull them both into another tight hug and look up at Cat. She’s watching us, her eyebrows knit together, a mixture of confusion and wonderment in her eyes. Things have been hard on her since Xander’s accident as well. Trying to help someone who constantly pushes you away while watching as they fade more and more each day has to hurt.
After I lost Xander, I shut down, effectively cutting the people who cared for me most out of my life. It was like I was afraid that letting their love in my heart would replace some of the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to let go of my pain—I wanted to ow
n every single ounce of it—but I’ve worn my pain like a badge of honor for far too long. It’s time for me to let the love in and the pain out.
Cat’s eyes glass over as they fill with tears, causing mine to do the same. She places a hand over her heart, nodding as she mouths, “Okay.” She wants reassurance that everything she saw and heard is real—that I’m honestly ready to move forward again.
When I nod in response, a small sob escapes her as a smile covers her face and her tears begin to flow freely.
A New Day
“Hi, Mom,” I say as I let out a nervous breath, hoping she can’t hear it through the phone.
“Lizzy? Is everything okay, sweetie?” In the background, my father hollers hello as dishes clatter and bacon sizzles. My stomach rumbles as a festering of being homesick washes over me. My mother is a great cook and breakfast is her specialty.
“Hi, Daddy,” I chuckle. “Yeah, everything is good. I was just on my way to work and thought I would call to check in and see how you’re doing.”
“Oh,” she replies, emotion and joy thick in her voice.
I used to call my mother every morning on my way to work. We would talk about how our week was going or what plans we had. We talked about nothing and everything really—we just talked. She wasn’t just my mother; she was my friend. After everything changed, I didn’t want to talk about what happened, and I didn’t want to talk about my day as if nothing had happened at all, so I stopped calling and answering her calls. She’s never given up trying, though.
“Well, I’m good, dear. How are you?”
“I’m doing pretty good.” It’s the first time in a long time I’ve been able to say that and actually mean it. I woke up this morning feeling lighter than I have in years. Saying goodbye to Xander yesterday was very therapeutic for me. “Sean even had a good drop off at pre-school.”
“That’s wonderful. I told you he just needed some time to adjust,” she coos, her warm tone bringing a clear image of her wide smile to my mind.
My parents, Sean and Ava Shea, have always been amazing, supportive, and understanding. All they ever wanted was for Cat and me to be happy, well-rounded people. They were always present in every aspect of our lives while still allowing us room to spread our wings. I owe them both so much.
“How’s Maddison getting along in third grade?”
Holding my breath, I take a moment to decide whether I should tell her about Maddison going to see a counselor, and conclude I don’t want to dwell on the negative right now.
“You know Maddie, she’s smart as a whip and loves school.”
“Yes, she gets that from her momma.”
“I don’t know about that,” I reply with a soft chuckle. “So, what about you and Daddy? Anything new or exciting?”
“Well, it’s football season, so I haven’t seen much of your father,” she answers, laughing as my father shouts, “You’ve always been jealous of my first love.” As my mother shoos him away, I smile so wide, it hurts my face. “Nothing much new with me, though. I have almost saved up enough money from my Bunco winnings to buy that KitchenAid blender I want. Maybe you could come with me to pick one out,” she offers, hope clear in her voice.
“I would really like that,” I reply, whole-heartedly.
Talking with her this morning feels good; like getting another piece of me I lost when I lost Xander. I love my parents and I’ve missed them. It’s time to mend our relationship.
Out Of My Comfort Zone
“Maddie, it’s time your mother and I told you the truth.”
“The twoof about what, Daddy?” Maddison asks, her eyes wide with curiosity.
Xander turns to smile at me, winking as he hoists her up onto his shoulders. Pushing through the crowd, we make our way closer to the exhibit.
“Well, you know how Mommy and Daddy call you their little monkey all the time?”
“Yeah…”
“Do you know why we call you that?”
“Mommy says it’s ‘cause I’m wild.”
“That’s partly right,” Xander replies, chuckling. I shake my head, unable to keep the telling smile off my face. “Do you see those monkeys over there, high up in the trees?”
Maddison scrunches her face up, as if struggling to see them even though they aren’t that far away. “Yeah, I see them, Daddy. They’re funny looking.”
“That isn’t a very nice way to talk about your family,” Xander says, grinning.
“Those monkeys aren’t part of my family,” Maddison protests, shaking her head.
“Yes they are. Those monkeys are your real parents. We’re bringing you back to them today,” he tells her, neither of us able to contain our laughter any longer.
“Daddy! That isn’t funny! I know I’m not really a monkey!”
“Lizzy, did you want anything from the concession stand?” Xander’s mother, Anna, asks, bringing me out of my daydream. I can’t believe it’s been five years since the first time we brought Maddison to the zoo. It is still so fresh in my mind.
“No, thank you. I’m good.”
“Well, these two minions and I are going to go see what kind of goodies we can find,” Xander’s father, Conor, says, rubbing his hands together and smiling at Sean and Maddison, who shout with excitement.
As the three of them make their way over to the concession stand, Anna and I find a bench to sit on. I’m so glad we came today. The kids are having a blast and I’m enjoying this perfect weather. It’s warm, but there’s a nice breeze to keep you comfortable.
“It means a lot to Conor and I that you invited us to tag along with you and the kids today,” Anna says, her voice almost too quiet to hear over the crowd of people.
Truth be told, just coming here today is a little out of my comfort zone. The last time we were here, I still had Xander. He bought a stuffed animal for Sean, who I was pregnant with at the time. Now, Xander is gone and my life will never be the same. The decision to invite Conor and Anna hadn’t been an easy one, but I knew making them a bigger role in our lives was an important component in healing our family.
“I’m really glad you could make it. I’m sorry—” As I begin to choke up, Anna reaches over to squeeze my hand.
“I know, dear, and it’s okay. We understand.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, unable to get my voice any higher with the giant lump in my throat.
After the accident, I stayed pretty close with Conor and Anna for a while. In fact, I was closer to them than anyone else at the time because I knew they understood what I was feeling and going through better than anyone else could.
That changed, though. They began to feel more like a reminder of what I lost and having them around was too painful. Pulling away from them is just another item on a very long list of unbelievably selfish things I’ve done over the past couple years. Xander’s parents and the kids needed one another—they’re all they have left of Xander.
“I want you to promise me something,” Anna says, turning her gaze to me and locking her eyes on mine. The dark color of her irises reminds me of Xander, but instead of sorrow and loss, I feel peace.
“Okay, sure.”
“I want you to promise we can all do something like this together once a month. I think it’s good for all of us.”
“I agree,” I reply, smiling as I squeeze her hand a little tighter.
“Great!” she exclaims, scanning the crowd before turning back to me. “I didn’t want to mention this in front of the kids in case you didn’t feel comfortable with it, but Conor and I were talking about keeping them over night sometimes. We just want the chance to know them better and for them to know we are here for them.” Tears fill Anna’s eyes, and I find myself having to fight off my own as a tightness builds in my chest and my guilt becomes suffocating. I love Xander’s parents, and though it may not have been intentional, my selfishness hurt them.
Anna and Conor did an amazing job raising Xander, and he was very close to his parents. I know it’s important for Sea
n and Maddison to get to know them better, and they can also share things with them about their father I can’t.
“Yes, I think that’s a wonderful idea.”
What Happened to Baby Steps?
“You want to go where?” I ask Julianna in a near shriek, my heart already beating faster at the suggestion.
“Oh, don’t panic,” she replies, waving her hand at me and rolling her eyes before turning her attention back to her reflection in the mirror. I don’t know why she’s wasting so much time putting makeup on since she doesn’t need it. Julianna looks like a freaking porcelain doll with her long raven hair and big, piercing blue eyes. “It’ll be fun to go have some drinks and do a little dancing. I think it will do us both some good.”
“You can’t be serious. Zane’s, really?” Taking a seat on top of the toilet, I plant my head into my hands. “When you talked about coming down this weekend to hang out, I was thinking you meant more like dinner and a movie.”
Julianna has been one of my best friends since junior high after we met through her sister, Lori—my sister’s best friend. We are normally like two peas in a pod—we have the same taste in everything from music to movies and books; our minds just tend to work the same—so when we were making plans for the weekend, I assumed we had the same type of hang out in mind.
“I know you’re thirty now, but you can still act young and have fun every once in a while,” she teases. I raise my head to give her a dirty look, and she stops her makeup application to stick her tongue out at me. Being two years younger than me, she’s finding the fact that I’m now thirty hilarious.
“But Zane’s?” I whine, dropping my head in my hands again and pretending to cry.
Zane’s is one of the only bars in our small town, which means it’s packed pretty much every weekend—usually with half the people I went to high school with, none of which I care to see tonight…or ever.
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