Dating
“This place is really nice,” I say as I sit in the chair Xander pulled out for me. With it being our first date, my nerves already have my heart beating rapidly, and being in a restaurant this nice isn’t helping.
“Yeah,” Xander replies, taking his seat, a bright smile on his handsome face. “I was aiming to impress you, did it work?”
Returning his smile, I nod before flipping open my menu. This place is certainly impressive, it’s just not my cup of tea. I feel out of place and unsure of myself here. Most of the items on the menu don’t sound appetizing at all either, not that I’ll be able to eat with my stomach in knots.
The restaurant is quiet—too quiet. Even with most of the tables occupied and the light sound of classical music filling the air. My eyes roam around the room, taking in the large chandelier and expensive art on the walls. I don’t know much about Xander yet, but I can’t imagine there are a lot of college students who would bring their dates here.
When my gaze lands back on him, my heart flutters. As I admire his beautiful face, I decide I can handle being here if it means I get to be with him. His eyes lift, catching me staring, and his lips curve into a smile.
“This place is a bit much, isn’t it?” he asks.
“Maybe a little,” I answer, holding up my thumb and pointer finger. Xander laughs and I join him, finally feeling a little more at ease.
“Hey, beautiful,” Brenden says, squeezing my hand, “where did you go?”
I look over at him and smile, snuggling further into his side. “Nowhere,” I lie, shaking my head. “I was just thinking about how perfect all of this is.”
“Really?” he asks, exhaling as his body becomes more relaxed next to me.
It’s our first official date since our night in the hotel together—since we agreed to be more than friends—and he’s been visibly nervous all night. I was anxious myself until we arrived here. My first date with Xander had been nerve wracking and awkward, and I’d been expecting my first date with Brenden to be the same, but this was nothing like that.
He brought me to a winery in the country just forty-five minutes away. We are currently in their wine loft overlooking the vineyards on our second tasting out of the five that will be provided. This is perfection.
“Really,” I reply, stretching to reach his cheek so I can plant a soft kiss there.
Guilt still gnaws at me for being with Brenden, feeling as if it discredits the love I had and still have for Xander. I hate comparing them, but I can’t help noting the huge differences between the two.
When I met Xander and we first started dating, it was very bumpy because we were just trying to get to know each other. I made concessions and molded myself to fit better with the things he liked because I wanted to be with him.
Brenden and I, though, have spent months getting to know each other. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst—we know each other’s darkest secrets. Being with Brenden is easy. I’ve never felt the need to be anything other than who I am.
Xander was a choice for me. I’d chosen to love him and put out an effort to make our relationship work. But I haven’t had a choice with Brenden. It’s like he has a gravitational force I can’t fight, but I always feel like I’m where I should be when I’m with him.
“Thank God,” he sighs, kissing my temple. “This dating stuff is a little foreign to me. I know this isn’t a typical first date type of thing, but I just can’t stand the thought of sitting across a table from you at some fancy restaurant and not being able to touch you. I don’t want to relive that torture.” I laugh as he tightens his grip on me and I swat his hand away when he begins running it up my thigh. Frowning, he says, “I don’t know, though. I’m starting to think this still isn’t an intimate enough setting. Is it wrong to tell you I can’t wait to get you back to my house?”
My face heats as I shake my head and look up at him through my eyelashes, the awakening ache between my thighs causing me to cross my legs. It’s been two weeks since our night together in the hotel room and I am beyond ready for more. Things with us are still new—well, this part of things anyway—and I’m not ready to bring him around the kids. That means our time together will be limited—especially that kind of time. So, I plan to take full advantage of things tonight.
“No, I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.” Smirking, I place my hand on his chest. His pupils dilate as I run it over his pec up to the collar of his shirt. “In fact, I’d be okay with having you all to myself every date.”
“Oh, trust me, beautiful,” he hums, leaning in and rubbing his nose with mine, “that can be arranged.”
“Where you at, boy?” my mother calls from the couch in the living room, and I freeze, hoping she’s too drunk to come looking for me. “You better pick up this mess before your daddy gets home, you little shit,” she yells when I don’t reply.
My heart races as I tiptoe into the kitchen, desperate to get out of the house and to my bike before he gets home. The clock on the wall says it’s nearly nine o’clock, which means I can’t go to Jon’s, and the library will be closed. It looks like I’ll be hanging out on the hill again tonight.
I turn the knob to the back door as slowly as possible to ensure she doesn’t hear it. Keeping the knob turned, I open the door just enough to slip out before closing it and releasing the knob in the same manner. It’s nearly pitch black outside, the moon providing the only light for me to locate my bike—the bike Jon had given me when he got a new one. My parents still believed it was his; otherwise, they probably would have pawned it by now.
My body is tense as I ride into the dark night, hating the thought of being alone, but it’s a lot less terrifying than what my father might do to me when he gets home angry and drunk.
“You know, the last time you tried to surprise me with something, it didn’t end very well,” Lizzy taunts, breaking me out of my dark thoughts, and the warm smile on her face instantly makes me feel better.
She told me to plan our date tonight and to choose something I like or somewhere special to me. So, that’s exactly what I did. She was less than thrilled when I decided to keep it a surprise and extremely skeptical when I parked the car on a dark road and told her we’d be walking the rest of the way.
“Yeah, well…I’d like to think I am the type of person who learns from their mistakes. You trust me, right?” I ask, lifting an eyebrow as I take her hand.
“Yes,” she answers without any hesitation, and my heart swells as my large smile threatens to break my face in half.
“Good answer.” Coming to a stop, I pull her into my arms and give her a chaste kiss. “Besides, I promise you will like this surprise.”
She frowns, although her eyes are glowing. “You know I’m not a fan of surprises.”
Shaking my head, I laugh and let go of her to continue the short walk to our destination. “I bet you were one of those kids who went rummaging through the house around Christmas trying to find your gifts.”
“No, I wasn’t,” she huffs. “Okay…fine, I might have been. But it was only because I was worried I’d open something Christmas morning I didn’t like and not have a chance to prepare a proper response. I hated the thought of hurting my parents’ feelings.”
“Wow!” I scoff. “I’ve heard a lot of excuses before, but I think that one takes the cake. I mean, talk about overthinking things.”
“Nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared,” she whines, sounding a little sullen.
“Maybe, you just need to have more faith in the people who love you,” I retort, squeezing her hand, and she comes to a sudden halt. When I turn to look at her, she’s wide-eyed.
“You okay, beautiful?” I ask, tilting my head as I try to figure out what just happened. Then I realize I practically just told her I loved her. Though that hadn’t been my intention, I can’t say it’s not true.
The last couple weeks with Lizzy have been amazing. I’ve never been happier. Even the little things like being
able to hold her hand mean so much to me.
Maybe it’s crazy given we have only technically been dating for a short time, but I’m all in with her—I’m going for broke. At the end of this, I’m either going to walk away a much richer man or with nothing at all.
But she is worth the risk, even if I can sense her holding back. She isn’t willing to put all her chips on the table yet, but I’m willing to wait her out. I won’t lie, though, it’s killing me feeling like I can’t be completely honest about my feelings for her—like if I try to push too much too soon, I’ll lose her.
“Yeah,” she breathes, shaking her head as if clearing her thoughts.
“Good, because we’re here,” I chirp, pulling her closer so she can see over the edge of the hill.
Gasping, she takes in the beautiful scenery of buildings, lights, and trees below us. I’m very familiar with this view. I spent many nights up here alone growing up—never dreaming that one day I might have someone like Lizzy to share it with. This hill was once my safe place, and I think I wanted to bring her here tonight because she’s my safe place now. Maybe that is a lot to place on another human being, but when I am with her, I feel more at peace than I ever have.
“So, is it a good surprise this time?” I ask, slipping the backpack with the blanket and picnic I’d packed off my shoulders.
“Yes. It is beautiful here. How did you know about this place?”
“I use to come here as I kid,” I tell her, laying out the blanket for us. “You know, when things at home would get too intense, I would hide out here.”
I step back over to her, pulling her into my arms again as she gives me a sad smile.
“So, that’s where you grew up?” she asks, pointing to the town below.
“Yep. Jon, Allison, and I all grew up there.”
“It’s so neat how the three of you have been close friends nearly your whole life,” she says, her smile much brighter now.
“That reminds me…” Snapping my fingers, I walk her over to the blanket, gesturing for her to take a seat as I do, and begin unpacking the food. “Allison is throwing Jon a surprise birthday party at the house in a couple weeks. I would love for you to come. His parents are dying to meet you.”
“Of course!” she squeaks, her tense posture a dead giveaway that the idea makes her nervous. I’ve told her how much his parents mean to me, and she must know wanting her to meet them is a big deal for me. “Maybe it’s about time you meet some of my family too,” she says, fidgeting with her necklace.
“Really?” I rasp, unable to keep my surprise from my tone. Lizzy’s made it clear she isn’t ready for me to be around her kids, and though I’ve understood and respected that, I knew our relationship couldn’t, and wouldn’t, move forward until she was ready.
“Yeah…I mean, if you want. Everyone will be at Sean’s birthday party. It would be a good time to meet everyone. What do you think?”
“I think,” I begin, moving closing to her, “that is a fantastic idea. I also think,” smiling, she lays back, allowing me to position myself over her before I place a light kiss on her lips, “the food can fucking wait. I want my dessert right now.”
Something More
“Are you sure you’re ready for him to meet everyone? Especially the kids?” Cat asks after the third time she catches me looking out the window for Brenden.
“Is it that obvious how nervous I am?” I question, my tone hushed as I look to make sure no one is coming into the living room with us.
“Uh…yeah,” she scoffs, “just a little. If you don’t feel sure about it, why are you doing it?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess because we have been doing this whole dating thing for a while now and we’ve been friends even longer. Things are continuing to progress between us and I can’t keep avoiding it. Besides, it’s not the kids I’m worried about—he’s great with kids. I’m sure Maddison and Sean will like him. It’s our parents and Xander’s parents I am concerned about.” My heart palpitates at the mere thought of introducing Brenden to Xander’s parents.
“Mom and Dad will love him because he’s clearly been making you happy, but...” she trails off, her face twisting as she lifts her shoulders.
“I know,” I sigh. “It’s going to be weird with Conor and Anna. I really hope it doesn’t upset them, but they will have to meet him eventually.”
“Do you love him?” she asks, as if it’s the most causal question in the world—as if she didn’t just cause my heart to stop beating.
“What?” I breathe. Things have been going perfectly with Brenden, but I’m still trying to process the fact that I’m dating a man who isn’t Xander. I can’t even wrap my head around the possibility of being in love with him or he with me. I just need to deal with this one day at a time. “Don’t you think it’s a little premature to be talking about love?”
“No, not really. Like you said, you’ve known him for months now. Besides, I think it’s possible to know almost instantly when you love someone.”
Before my mind can formulate a response, the doorbell rings, causing my heart to jump into my throat. “I can’t talk about this right now,” I hiss, wiping my sweaty hands down my hips as I make my way over to the door.
“Don’t close yourself off to the idea of loving again, baby sister,” she calls from behind me, and I scoff. My sister claims to have only fallen in love once, when she was thirteen, and blames her failed relationships on the fact that her heart still remains with him. Yet, she believes love is still possible for me.
Brenden is standing on the other side of the door holding a present for Sean in one hand and some tiger lilies for me in the other. Although I’ve only mentioned they are my favorite once, in passing, it doesn’t surprise me that he remembered.
“Hi, beautiful,” he coos, stepping inside as I pull the door back before giving me a quick kiss on the cheek as he hands me the flowers. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
“Yep,” I lie, nodding my head as I smile. “I’ll put these in some water, then we can head outside to meet everyone.”
“One…two…three…” Brenden counts, winking at me as Sean and Maddison run to hide.
Seeing him interacting with the kids today is bittersweet. He’s been great with them, as I suspected. They both seem to be completely drawn to and enamored with him—something I can certainly relate to.
Recognizing him from school, Maddison had even given him a hug when we walked outside. Of course, explaining he worked at her school only made introductions more awkward, but overall, things had gone very smoothly.
Sean has certainly taken to him. He’s wanted Brenden to stay right at his side throughout the entire party. My emotions are torn at seeing them together, though. While I’m relieved Sean likes Brenden, I can’t help feeling the unfairness of it all.
It isn’t right that Xander isn’t here or that Sean will never know his father. He will have to rely on pictures and stories about him from other people.
“We’re going to get going,” Anna says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
If having Brenden here today is an emotional thing for me, I can only imagine how painful it’s been for Conor and Anna.
“Oh, okay. I’ll walk you out,” I say, my chest tightening with guilt and sorrow. “Sean, Maddison, come tell Grandma Anna and Grandpa Conor goodbye, please.”
The kids run up to us with Brenden following close behind. Conor and Anna give the kids hugs and kisses before they run off to play again, and my chest tightens as Brenden offers his hand out to Conor.
“It was very nice to meet you, Mr. Blake,” he says as Conor shakes his hand.
“You as well, Brenden. And please, call me Conor.”
Nodding, Brenden gives him a smile before turning to Anna. “It’s just Anna, and don’t even try that hand shaking BS with me,” she tells him, pulling him into a hug.
Brenden’s eyes are wide as he looks at me, a bright smile filling his face as she whispers something in his ear.
“All right, I’m going to walk them out,” I tell him as Anna pulls out of their embrace. Still smiling, he nods as we make our way back inside the house.
“Lizzy, dear, we just wanted to tell you how much we like Brenden,” Anna says once we walk in the back door. “He really seems like a lovely young man and the kids certainly seem to approve.”
Tears fills my eyes, threating to stream down my face as I reply, “You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that. I’ve felt really torn about having him here today.”
“Well, I hope that wasn’t because you were worried about Conor and I. We know you loved our son very much, as he did you. We know he would want you to be happy, and we can see plain as day how much Brenden cares for you and what a difference he has made in you. That’s what Xander would want. Love is selfless that way.”
“Thank you,” I breathe, my voice a mere whisper, tears falling as I hug her tightly.
“John, Patricia...I want you to meet Lizzy Shea,” I beam, though my pulse is racing. Introducing Lizzy to Jon’s parents is a big deal for me—it’s as close as I’ll ever get to introducing a woman to my parents. This is a first for me. “Lizzy...these are Jon’s parents.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Alder,” Lizzy says, extending her hand very formally.
“Oh my goodness...” Patricia squeals, pulling Lizzy into a hug. “Please just call us Patty and John, dear.”
“Oh, okay,” she says, chuckling nervously as Patricia releases her.
“We are just so thrilled to be meeting you,” Patricia goes on. “We have heard so many wonderful things about you.”
“Oh really?” Lizzy questions, smirking as she looks over to me, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
“Yes. You’re all the boy talks about anymore, but it’s just so wonderful to finally see him in love.”
Lizzy and I both stiffen the second Patricia utters the word love. Before the party started, I admitted to Allison that I’m in love with Lizzy, and it felt good saying it out loud…until Allison asked if Lizzy loved me in return. Her question hit a nerve of uncertainty. I can’t answer that question, and it’s why I haven’t been able bring myself to tell Lizzy I love her. I’m afraid she doesn’t love me back and it would make her freak out…just like her wide eyes and heavy breathing are telling me she’s doing right now. I certainly hadn’t wanted someone else to be the first to tell her, but it was out there now. There is no way of getting it back, even if I wanted to.
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