Raw

by Scott Monk

  ‘So we can sort this out.’

  ‘Sort what out? There’s nothing to sort out.’

  ‘Oh yes there is. I’m not going to listen to you get all miserable over a girl for the next couple of days.’

  ‘I’m not miserable.’

  ‘Yes you are and it’s affecting the rest of us. It’s going to end now.’

  ‘What if I like being miserable? What are you going to do then?’

  ‘Ride back into town and tell Caitlyn she was right to dump you.’

  ‘Leave her out of this.’

  ‘Why? You’re the one who mentioned her.’

  ‘I said leave her out of this, okay?’

  ‘No. Whatever caused you two to break up is the reason you’re acting like a jerk. She’s as much a part of this as you.’

  ‘She’s got nothing to do with this! It’s all my fault! I’m the one to blame!’

  A bird’s fleeing cry caught Brett unaware and he realised how loud his voice was. Everything was silent as if the whole world was still. It made him uncomfortable. He’d just confessed what he didn’t want to hear himself: he stuffed up. He had caused them to break up. He was to blame. The truth stung. His life had got worse ever since Caitlyn had said they were through. As a result he was taking his misery out on everyone else. And most of all, blaming the world for messing his life up instead of blaming himself.

  He shook.

  He didn’t believe he was capable of hurting people so much. Especially the ones he loved. But that was a fact of life wasn’t it? The people he cared the most about were hurt the most if everything turned bad. Parents. Sisters. Friends. Girlfriends. And not everything worked out right in the end, even if someone did say sorry — if anyone was brave enough to say sorry.

  His parents had made the same mistake when he was twelve. They bickered, fought and screamed until neither of them could handle it anymore. They separated for three years and he was their hostage — just another thing to war over. They’d made up a year ago but the damage had been done.

  He’d tried to make up with Caitlyn but he’d failed. She was too hurt and too afraid even to look him in the eye. She was his best friend, but he doubted they even had that any more. He’d gambled with their love one night and lost. Now he was greedy and he wanted it back.

  ‘I’ve lost her, haven’t I?’ he said, hanging his head.

  Josh, suddenly uncomfortable, looked away and patted his horse’s neck. He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Only you and Caitlyn know the answer. If it’s finished, then move on. If it’s not, and you think there’s a chance she still likes you, don’t let her go.’

  ‘— he passes it to Josh Collins, the seventeen-year-old kid from Mungindi. Collins chips it over the top of the English forward. He breaks through one tackle! Two! Three! Watch him go! He’s running all the way! They won’t catch him! They won’t catch him! Try! Collins scores the winning points for Australia!’

  Josh tossed the footy up and cheered. He jammed his fists in the air, causing more than one cow to look up in concern. Then, trotting back from the imaginary try line, he planted the footy in a lump of dirt. With careful aim and a well placed boot, he kicked the footy through two trees … and nearly started a stampede!

  ‘Whoa! Stop, you stupid cows! Get back here!’

  He ran after the five cows that broke away from the herd. They thundered left and right every time he got close, only the trees stopping them from escaping. Waving his arms about, Josh tried to spook them back towards the middle of the paddock. If he failed, they’d frighten the whole herd of quarter-pounders to hot-hoof it out of there.

  That’s when Brett joined the fight.

  His horse pounded across the short distance and cut off the cows short of freedom. They charged left and so did he. Brett quickly caught up with the ring-leader and blocked her escape route. She pulled up metres away from the river as did the rest of her posse. Beaten, they gave up and plodded back to the main herd. Brett trotted behind them, Piper’s nostrils snorting with satisfaction at another finished job. Josh waited for them near camp, a look of amazement frozen on his face.

  ‘Brett?’

  ‘Well it ain’t Clint Eastwood,’ he answered.

  ‘How’d you —? Why’d you —? Who taught you to —?’

  Shocked, Josh just gave up. He scratched his sweaty hair and gave a lopsided smile. ‘I owe you one.’

  ‘No you don’t,’ Brett said, swinging down off Piper. He patted her on the flank and scratched her neck. He knew she liked that. ‘We’re even.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For the other day.’ Josh looked at Brett blankly so Brett added, ‘You know, the things you said about me. About how I was hurting my friends. I didn’t know I was until you told me.’ He looked away and unbuckled Piper’s saddle strap. ‘I’ve been doing some thinking over the past couple of days and I, uh, think you’re right.’

  ‘You didn’t take it personally, did you? I didn’t mean to —’

  ‘I did take it personally. I needed to. Everything’s been so — I don’t know — messed up since splitting with Caitlyn. I’ve been blaming everyone but myself.’

  ‘So what are you going to do?’

  ‘When we get back to Mungindi, I’m going to talk it out with her. I want to find out, like you said, if there’s a chance of her and me getting back together. If there is then I’m going to do everything to make it happen. If there isn’t, I’ll let her go.’

  ‘Good to hear,’ Josh said, nodding.

  They stood round wondering what to say next, Brett feeling uncomfortable with his confession. So he was glad when Josh asked, ‘You cold?’

  ‘Yer. Freezing.’

  ‘C’mon. We’ll head back to camp then.’

  They walked to where the guys had stopped for the night, Piper’s saddle under Brett’s arm and Josh’s football under his. Their destination: the fire. A storm was coming. And it was about time. The land needed it.

  They could hear laughing and see shadowy figures the closer they got to camp. The guys were having a party to celebrate making it to Boomi. They might have been saddle sore, sunburnt and cranky from lack of sleep but overall the ride had been fantastic. As Josh had said, it was a chance for them all to get outside and enjoy themselves.

  ‘You’re a pretty good kicker,’ Brett said to restart conversation. ‘I saw the way you put the football between those two trees. Some of the pros can’t even score at that angle.’

  ‘When did you see me do that?’

  ‘Right before you tried tackling some of the other team’s four-legged forwards.’

  Josh groaned with embarrassment and Brett laughed.

  ‘You practising for the upcoming season?’

  ‘No, just for fun. I gave up footy last year.’

  ‘Why? You’re good at it. You should be out on the field trying to impress one of the selectors.’

  ‘Nah. I’ve just started year twelve. I want to get into uni and study medicine. I won’t have any time to play footy.’

  ‘Yes you will. Plenty of it. I can’t imagine you not playing. It’s like your life.’

  ‘Yer, but there’s more to life than just footy.’

  ‘And there’s more to life than just school and uni. You have to do something fun or you’ll go mad. Besides, you’ll miss out on all those chicks in the stands screaming after you.’

  ‘Yer,’ Josh said with a wolfish smile.

  The topic of girls hooked Brett’s mind back to Caitlyn. He looked at Josh and asked, ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’

  ‘I did a couple of months ago. She and her family left for Brisbane though. Their farm went bust like a number of properties round here. Before that it was Caitlyn.’

  ‘You looking?’

  ‘I’m a guy aren’t I? When do we stop looking?’

  ‘True,’ Brett grinned. ‘Got your eye on anyone?’

  ‘Maybe. Why? You interested in stealing this one away from me as well?’

  ‘Hey? I didn’t steal
Caitlyn away —’

  Josh laughed. ‘Lighten up. It was just a joke.’

  ‘Oh,’ Brett said stupidly. He shifted the saddle’s weight under his arm then asked, ‘You got any ideas about what I should say to her?’

  The stablehand shrugged. ‘Just be honest with her. That’s the best thing. And don’t promise anything you won’t be able to keep.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like that you’ll make everything up to her. She’s been hurt once. She won’t be so forgiving this time round.’

  Brett frowned. That didn’t sound promising.

  ‘G’day Brett! Josh!’ Adrian said, clapping them on the back when he saw them approaching the fire. ‘Where have you been? Kicking the footy round by the looks of it.’

  ‘I was just getting in some practice,’ Josh said.

  ‘You changed your mind about playing, have you? You should. You’re the best.’

  One of the guys called out to Adrian and he left.

  ‘Do you think I’m that good?’ Josh asked, reaching his hands out towards the flames and watching Adrian rejoin the party.

  ‘Why? It’s not important what I think.’

  ‘Yes, but at least you’ll give me an honest answer.’

  Brett looked up at Josh and saw that he was serious. Josh must’ve known Brett wouldn’t spin him some lie.

  ‘Go for it. You didn’t get all those trophies for handing out oranges at half time.’

  Josh smiled and Brett watched as his face warmed with the idea of playing again. They studied the fire for a while as they quietly thought things through. It seemed a simple answer that had avoided him for so long, but sometimes the simple answers took the longest time to understand. As for Brett, he remembered the times when he hadn’t a clue what he wanted to do in life. Now, he wanted to work with wood. He was good at it, and he’d give it a try.

  He’d come a long way since arriving at The Farm. Now the end was hurtling up far too quickly.

  ‘You’re sticking round, huh?’

  ‘Only for another ten months,’ Josh said. ‘Hopefully I’ll have enough money saved up by then to go to uni in Sydney or Brisbane. That’s when I’m not playing football,’ he added with a grin. ‘You?’

  ‘I don’t know. Sam’s sending me to the magistrate when we get back. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to see my olds. I’ve got a lot to tell them.’

  Like: sorry.

  ‘After that — who knows. I’d like to get a job making furniture.’

  ‘Sounds like everything’s turned out good for you.’

  ‘Some of it. I’ll wait until I’ve sorted this mess out with the magistrate first. That, and seeing the olds. I don’t know if they want me back yet.’

  ‘They will,’ Josh said. Then, he added, ‘It must be good to know you’re going home.’

  ‘Why? Don’t you have one?’

  Josh shook his head. ‘No. This is my home. I can’t afford to live on my own.’

  ‘Where are your parents?’

  ‘Who knows? As long as it’s nowhere near me.’

  He quickly moved away from Brett and the fire. Brett followed him to where all their sleeping bags lay.

  ‘Josh,’ he asked. ‘Why were you sent to The Farm?’

  Josh stopped rummaging through his bag but didn’t look up. ‘You don’t want to know.’

  ‘C’mon. It can’t be that bad. Every guy here’s done something stupid.’

  ‘Yes, it can be that bad.’

  ‘What did you do? Did you steal a car? Or break into a house?’

  ‘Nothing like that. It was something someone did to me.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Maybe it’s good that you don’t.’

  Josh tried walking away but Brett grabbed him by the shoulder and asked him again.

  ‘Leave it alone, Brett. It’s one of the most evil things that could ever happen to a guy.’

  ‘What?’

  The stablehand stared at Brett with angry, hurt eyes. ‘Don’t you get it?’ Josh said. ‘I was raped, okay? I was raped.’

  The camp was silent. Only confusion disturbed Brett’s mind. He lay in his sleeping bag looking up at the cloudy night sky. He was shivering but not because of the cold wind.

  It was about one in the morning. A blur behind the grey clouds, the full moon was drifting back down towards the horizon. Everyone was asleep. Except him. His thoughts kept him awake.

  “I was raped …”

  Brett felt sick. His gut had screwed up into itself like he was ready to throw up. He tried not thinking about what Josh had said but it was impossible. It was one of those things that once uncovered could never be forgotten.

  Brett rolled onto his side and curled his sleeping bag round him. It was no protection at all but it felt good to have something solid to hold. He didn’t stay in that position long though. He jumped at the crack of a twig. Then the sound of a sleeping bag unzipping. One of the guys was getting up. Brett twisted round to see who it was. Josh. Freeing himself of his sleeping bag and heading towards the fire. He was probably having the same nightmare.

  ‘Josh?’

  The stablehand jumped up from the tree stump he was sitting on. His eyes were tired and silvery with tears. He dropped the stick he held into the red coals and wiped his face and nose. Brett had never seen a guy so upset.

  ‘I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know.’

  Josh shrugged. ‘You’re not supposed to. It’s not something I tell everyone.’

  ‘Are you, uh, okay?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said in a weak voice. ‘I’m okay.’

  The camp fell silent again. To cover the quietness, Josh refuelled the fire by adding bark and sticks. It took some time, but the flames grew and Josh and Brett sat in front of it, their eyes hypnotised by the flames.

  ‘If you’re the victim, how come they sent you here?’

  Josh breathed in. ‘They didn’t lock me up for that. It was what happened afterwards … I was only nine. Dad had left home after finding Mum was sleeping with another man. I tried going with him but he didn’t want me. I reminded him too much of her, he said. Soon after that, Mum shacked up with her boyfriend. They married twelve months later when the divorce papers came through.

  ‘Everything went crazy not long after that. My stepfather would come into my room and touch me. He’d touch me when I was in the car with him or when we were in the garage fixing my bike. It quickly became heavier than that — you know — sexual, and …

  ‘I hated being alone in that house with him. I always knew he’d try something when Mum was away. That’s why I went out with her whenever I could, or I’d play football or stay over at a mate’s house. I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t even look at him.

  ‘When we were alone, I’d scream and scream but no one would hear me. My stepdad would always tell me to shut up. And when I didn’t, he’d hit me and do it again.

  ‘As for Mum, I reckoned she knew nearly from the start. My stepdad was being too friendly towards me. But she didn’t care. When we were all together she thought he was just it. The only one in the world for her. I was just some mistake she’d made with my real dad and was trying to forget. Besides, my stepdad paid the bills. Without his money she didn’t have a place to stay.

  ‘I hated her. And I hated my stepfather. But I was too scared to do anything — run away, tell the cops, tell a teacher … I was only a kid.

  ‘When I hit eleven, I couldn’t take it any more. I started rebelling in a big way. At home. At school. On the football field. Anywhere. I got into crime. I wanted the world to take notice of me and stop this from going on. It didn’t work. Mum didn’t want to know me. The teachers ignored me. The coach dropped me from the team. I was always running from the cops. Everything only got worse.’

  Josh shook. The pain was still very, very real.

  ‘So what happened?’

  ‘One of my friends found out. My stepfather made moves on him too in my bedroom but he got away. My friend told his
parents and they told the cops. They arrested my stepfather that night. Mum ended up a wreck. Welfare wanted to send me to my real dad or into foster care but I ran away. Some of those places are worse. I had no relatives and nowhere else to go. I hopped the train to Brisbane then made my way to the Gold Coast scamming stuff and slumming it on the beaches. I got nicked for breaking into a couple of cars thanks to the “cockatoo” not keeping watch. I appeared before court and the magistrate sent me here. Sam took care of me and I stayed on, working for my living. There was some legal problems with that but Sam’s got a good reputation and the court agreed. I’ve been here ever since.

  ‘It’s not one of the best places to stay, but what choice do I have? I never want to go back home. Not back with Mum. I don’t care about her any more. Not after the way she let him do those things to me. And Dad … I’ll never forget that he walked out on me.’

  Brett swallowed. ‘Does that mean you’re, uh —’

  ‘What?’

  ‘— you know, gay?’

  Josh sighed a long, long sigh. ‘I thought I was for a while,’ he said. ‘I kept wondering why someone would do this to me unless I was. I mean, I didn’t sleep with anyone to find out. I was confused. I kept having these dreams and they scared me. They didn’t seem normal. When I thirteen and still living on the beach, I started asking girls out. The first couple of times I bombed and that only made things worse. I nearly killed myself and that’s when I ended up in hospital. I met a chaplain there who was doing the rounds and talked to him for — I don’t know — hours I suppose. I told him everything. He listened. Then I realised I wasn’t gay. Someone did this to me. I didn’t choose it.’

  The fire popped and Brett and Josh both started. It brought them back to the present again. Josh wiped his face as Brett sat next to him, unable to say or do anything but think about the evil act. How could his parents do that to him? How could anyone do that, full stop? Brett realised how lucky he was having normal parents. Parents who shouted at him and had gone through a tough time, but good people nonetheless.

  ‘That’s why I don’t put up with anyone’s hard luck story,’ Josh said. ‘I’ve been there. I’ve beaten it. I’ve started putting my life together again. If I can, anyone can.’