Connecting Happiness and Success_A Guide to Creating Success Through Happiness

by Ray White

  Our opinions about how much we like our jobs can be heavily influenced by our peers and supervisors and what they think of the company and their jobs. The implications are that nurturing, teaching, and creating opportunities for positive relationships in the workplace should be a priority for organizations. It has a domino effect of leading employees to become more satisfied and happy, which makes them more successful and productive, which leads to more of their peers becoming satisfied and happy, which again results in more productive and more successful employees, which benefits the organization.

  When Times are Tough, Make Relationships Your Priority

  “We need to feel wanted, accepted and loved…We need support from friends and family…We need to feel a part of the human race, to have friends. We need to give and receive love.” Davidson & Stayner

  Unfortunately for many of us, our natural inclination when things start to go wrong is to abandon our relationships and go it alone. We do this for many reasons. Stress clouds our thought. We focus on the goal of fixing the problem and don’t have time to reach out for other opinions. We don’t want to admit our challenges or failures. We don’t want to involve the people we love in our biggest challenges; often, we think it’s for their safety and to keep them away from stress, but really it’s because we don’t want to deal with their judgment or disappointment. The problem is, during a crisis is when we need other people the most. It is when we need a clearer, more objective point of view to help us make decisions, and we need their emotional support because the stress and worry exhausts our emotional resources. Shame, embarrassment, or anger cause us to shut out the people we love just when we need them the most.

  One of the fallacies most of us embrace is that there will only be one crisis, one failure, or one tough project we have to power through. So we think that if we focus all our attention on the situation and temporarily give up the things that matter to us, like time with our friends and family, we will get past this hill and be able to get back to our normal routines. But that small hill is part of a mountain range, and one hill will lead to a bigger hill. Our reward for climbing the hill so successfully is a bigger hill, then an even bigger hill, and eventually a mountain. There will always be tough times; they are an important part of our lives. But if we make our relationships a priority, we will always have the support we need to keep pushing and keep enjoying the good times in life that will also always be there for us.

  I once saw a story about a mountain climber who was in a dire situation. He had lost his partner to a fall and now had to get out of a crevice by himself before dark, or risk being buried by falling snow or possibly freezing to death. He had made it to a ledge and only had about 20 more feet to climb. He had often completed similar climbs using only his hands, without any ropes or support, on the climbing walls in the gym. Climbing free hand should only take 5 to 10 minutes. If he took his time and invested in fastening all of the supports and safety techniques as he had been taught, it could take as long as an hour to make the same climb. The risk was, without the support system, if he slipped, he would fall 500 feet to his death in the chasm and no one would know.

  Which have you chosen? Do you have the patience to build the support system or are you risking everything to get there as fast as possible? What if you knew there would be another challenge at the end of that climb? Your positive relationships are your support system. If you ignore them, your happiness and level of success are constantly at risk. If you take the time to build those positive relationships, you will have many opportunities to successfully reach the peak of happiness and success.

  Missing time with our family and friends becomes a routine that we don’t even realize we have created. The Internet, e-mail, social media, and globalization, where we have teams of people working in every time zone, create the potential to do work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There is never a time when everything stops and we can re-focus on our relationships. We have to make a concentrated effort to create time for our friends and family. If we don’t place a high value on our relationships and the support systems they provide, they will get lost in the vortex of the “always on” crisis. Stephen Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about placing a higher priority on doing what is important first, then doing is what is urgent. The research proves that strong personal relationships and their resulting support systems are associated with, and may be our best investment in, both happiness and success. That makes them one of the most important things in our lives. We often take them for granted and sacrifice them on the altar of the urgent needs of our job in an effort to ensure speedy career advancement. But that sacrifice comes back to haunt as when we get stuck trying to climb a higher mountain that may be just beyond our capabilities. We end up slipping with no support to keep us from falling 500 feet down the mountain. Covey would recommend we take the time to create the important social support structures first, rather than urgently climbing the mountain without them.

  The climber also chose to build the support system, mostly because the past warnings of his fallen partner still rang in his ear. He made it to the top, only to lose his grip just as he was climbing over the edge. Luckily, the support system he had taken the time to create did its job and kept him from falling more than a few feet. He was able to regain his grip, climb over the edge, and live to tell his story.

  Improving Work Relationships

  High Quality Connections, or short mutually positive interactions in the workplace were first defined by Dutton and Heaphy. They can occur in very short periods of time, but they leave people feeling energized and important. People with High Quality Connections show less negative impacts from stressful situations. They seem to be able to weather the storm more calmly.

  People with High Quality Connections also live longer. They are sick less often and have lower blood pressure. High Quality Connections release oxytocin, which is like a relationship hormone that reduces stress and increases a person’s willingness to cooperate. High Quality Connections also reduce blood pressure. High Quality Connections improve how people work together by improving their exchange of information. They help people explore and confirm roles within a group so they have an identity that matters to them and is of value to the team. High Quality Connections help get things done because of better connections to other people’s knowledge and the way teammates learn from each other. High Quality Connections between supervisors and employees lead the supervisor to spend more time developing the employee, while motivating the employee to be more loyal and committed. The research confirms that people with High Quality Connections have more physical zest, energy, and vitality. They have more resilience, and they learn faster. They are better at identifying who they are and how they fit in, which helps them be more effective change agents.

  To create High Quality Connections, engage with people when they come into your workspace. Stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. Don’t fall victim to what Dutton calls “disrespectful engagement.” She cited a recent poll that 90% of respondents believe workplace incivility is on the rise. It makes you less energized, less motivated, and less committed. Use mutual positive regard, trust, and active engagement to help team members feel more open, competent, and energized. Give them your attention, be authentic, listen attentively, and actively respond to the discussion. If you don’t have time, let them know when a better time will be.

  Listening skills can be learned or taught. High quality connections can be created in short, focused interactions. By recognizing the value of positive relationships and their significant impact on productivity and making it a priority to create such relationships, we can encourage our team members to pause and focus on the person who is requesting their attention. Stop your work, look up from the computer screen, and acknowledge the presence of another human being. Listen intently to what they are trying to communicate and respond actively and positively. A 30-second interaction can have an impact on their p
syche that will last all day long. You can make that impact positive and productive or negative and de-motivating. A series of positive, people-focused interactions will build good will that will help the team push through future challenges.

  Employees and supervisors can find ways to help each other be successful. Rather than focusing on what needs to be done differently, focus on what can be done to reach their goals and get to the next level. Hold them accountable--it shows you care. But tie that accountability to why it hampers their goals vs. why they are wrong. Show them the big picture. You are part of a team trying to accomplish the same thing. An adversarial relationship helps you both fail.

  You can’t control your supervisor. People are going to act the way they act. You can only show empathy and respect. If your supervisor gets angry, that is something you can’t control. It is his or her failure, not yours. Find the truth behind the anger; there is always something to learn there. But don’t absorb the anger as your fault, or even something you are going to try to control or avoid. Let it be your supervisor’s problem, which it is. Do the best you can, control what you can control, and let go of the things you can’t control.

  A great way to be happier at work is to expand your network of friendships. Most people focus on a few really close relationships that they form early on in a particular workplace. Those are the people they go to lunch with and spend most of their time talking to. Unfortunately, those people usually have similar circumstances, as far as supervisor, workload, or location. So they also have similar perspectives and feelings. By including people with different experiences, you can get different perspectives and have a broader base of support when things are not going well in your area.

  Ask your friend to invite one of his or her friends to lunch with you. If you are in the kitchen getting coffee, take a minute to talk to an acquaintance and find out more about that person. If you are on a project, get to know the people on your team on a more personal level.

  One of the best predictors of job satisfaction, engagement, and retention is your relationship with your direct supervisor. The outdated notion that you can’t be friends with your boss should be thrown out the window. Your boss is a necessary part of your success and happiness. Boss/employee relationships are difficult, but it is important that they are strong and positive relationships. If you have a bad boss, find out and write down the things that are good about them. At the very least, it is good to know what not to do with your employees when you are a boss.

  Another area for building positive relationships at work is introductions. How are employees treated on their first day? Do they have an assigned mentor or welcoming committee? Do they have a desk and computer prepared and waiting? Has someone been assigned to take them to lunch and give them a tour of the building and work areas? Are we introducing them to the key people they will be working with? You begin creating positive relationships from the first meeting. Plan to make it a positive experience and build from there.

  What about vendors and other visitors? Do we treat them like slaves who have to do business with us? Do we take advantage of their need for our continued patronage or their desire to make us one of their new customers? Do we make them wait constantly and miss scheduled appointments? They can become valuable partners in the success of our business. They can bring creativity and resources that help motivate our employees and solve problems for our clients. Creating and maintaining positive relationships with all potential partners is good for our business.

  Another aspect of positive relationships in the workplace is emotion. To build high quality connections, we have to feel and even show emotions. Emotions seem to have been banned from many workplaces because they “make things messy.” But it is fallacy to believe that because they are well-hidden, the emotions don’t exist and are not a part of our activities and decisions. By building positive relationships, we create an environment where both positive and negative emotions can exist in a safe environment. Positive relationships include room for a wider variety of emotions, more flexibility in dealing with stresses and strains, and more openness to new ideas and creativity. They create higher levels of engagement, facilitate cooperation, promote learning ability, strengthen commitment to the organization, enhance resilience and growth, and improve performance. We want our teams to bring their whole person to the office, because that is when they are most engaged and creative. There will be stresses and strains as we go through the work day; and the stronger our relationships, the more resilient and effective our teams will become.

  Jeff Haden writes about how blaming can interfere with our positive relationships at work. In every work environment there are things that go wrong and things that go right. There may be challenges with our employees, our boss may not behave as we like, or the vendors may not come through on an important project. We can focus on blaming someone, or we can focus on fixing the problem. Often we blame people simply because they didn’t do what we would have expected them to do or what we would have done. More often than not, we never give those explanations to them, nor do we spend enough time to give them the tools to get it done. We may have years of experience packed into our brains; and we expect that everyone else has the same perspective, even though they may have only been at the company a few months. We don’t realize how much we know just from experience and how much a newer team member may not have learned yet. Very few people want things to go poorly at work. Part of creating positive relationships is realizing that and doing whatever is necessary to help the other person continue to learn. Rather than wasting our time blaming someone, we can accept the situation and take action to improve it now and in the future. This is part of taking control of our lives. When we blame someone, we give them control; we become victims. When we accept and find solutions, we become empowered to create our own happiness and success.

  A great habit for creating positive relationships at work is providing recognition. Recognize people for great work, for taking the first step, for making a great effort, and for anything else we can find. Sometimes we think that because it is work we should only point out what people are doing wrong.

  My wife and I coached each of our kids’ soccer teams when they were five to eight years old. When kids are five, they don’t know anything about soccer; so we don’t wait until someone scores a goal to get excited. We are excited when they just touch the ball. Then we get more excited when they actually kick the ball. We recognize them when they kick the ball in the right direction, and then we recognize them again when they kick the ball in the right direction two or three times in a row. If we only pointed out that they didn’t score, they would never learn. Many of the kids don’t score any goals their first season. We would never think about not recognizing the small accomplishments they did make. Adults are no different.

  They try hard to learn new things and will make mistakes early in the process. We can recognize what they did well, or we can wait until they get everything perfect. The first method encourages them to continue working hard to get better, and the second method leaves them discouraged and unhappy. Some people have been beaten down so much in their lives that they are uncomfortable with recognition. They dodge it and sometimes appear to shun it. But it is lighting a small fire inside them that even they might not recognize; and in time, they will come to appreciate and even expect to hear a few positive words from you. And they will be loyal and more hard-working because of it. Recognize people for the little things and recognize them often. It is one of the best ways to create positive relationships.

  Baker and Dutton offer five areas that can help improve positive relationships in your organization. They include hiring for relationship skills, including employees in the hiring and selection process, teaching positive relationship skills, rewarding for positive relationship behaviors, and education on positive relationship meeting practices.

  Think about someone in your office who highly encourages the culture. They help plan events and parties, and seem to take responsibility
for people getting to interact and getting to know one another. Help and support those people; they are extremely valuable.

  Positive relationships are a key to success at work. They provide us with intellectual, physical, and emotional resources that help us be more productive and more efficient. They help us reduce stress, become happier and healthier, and live longer. Our supervisor-employee relationships are especially important, because they have the most impact in determining our satisfaction with work and our willingness to stay and be fully engaged.

  Activity

  1.The next time a new person starts at your office, offer to take them to lunch in their first week, even if they are not in your department.

  2.Pick a day and focus all your attention on every interaction. Put down your phone, turn or close your computer screen, and don’t look at or answer your phone. Look only at them, and pay attention to what they are saying and how they are saying it.

  3.Write a list of what you appreciate about your supervisor. What is he or she good at, what are you learning from your supervisor?

  4.Get to know your supervisor personally. Go to lunch together or schedule time on both of your calendars to get to know each other; ask about his or her kids, careers, and lives in general.

  5.Go to lunch with someone at work who is not part of your core two-or three-person network.

  6.Practice recognition at work. Find team members and tell them what a great job they are doing. Send an email to their boss or their team. Recognize your supervisor or his or her boss as well. All levels of team members need recognition.