Connecting Happiness and Success_A Guide to Creating Success Through Happiness

by Ray White

  Chapter 15

  Community, Giving, and Charity

  “The Master has no possessions. The more he does for others, the happier he is. The more he gives to others, the wealthier he is.” Lao Tzu

  Being kind to others actually makes us happier. Helping people requires you to see them in a good light. If you reach out to help people rather than avoid them, you have to make the transition in your mind from judgment or fear to empathy and compassion. It also creates a reciprocal reaction in them in the form of a smile or eyes that are bright with appreciation, which then makes you happier, creating a virtuous circle. That circle continues as they move to the next person, still thinking positively about you, and share that smile with someone new. Think about a woman in business attire walking towards the same building as you. She has a sour or put-out look on her face. Your initial thoughts might be that she is mean or angry and you should avoid her. But a thought flashes through your mind: what if she has had a bad morning, or what if she is concentrating on what she has to get done at work today? So you open the door for her. She looks up, at first confused, and then recognizes the kindness you are offering. Her look changes from sour to a smile as her mind clicks away from whatever was bothering her to appreciation of this small gesture. Her smile makes you smile, and you are both likely to carry that smile into the elevator and the office. This doesn’t work every time; but you will become happier as you find new ways to be thoughtful and kind to people, whether they reward you with a smile or not.

  Practicing acts of kindness releases serotonin into your brain, which makes you feel happier. People who observe an act of kindness also have serotonin released into their brain. So doing something nice not only makes you happier; it also brings happiness to anyone that happens to be watching.

  Helping others gives us the opportunity to use our strengths or hobbies that we don’t get to use at work. Cooking for others or building a house with Habitat for Humanity could be two examples. Helping others also serves as reinforcement that we are good people. We all like to think that we are, but helping others is the concrete proof that we should feel good about ourselves. It connects us to people in ways we might not expect as we get surprised by other people’s positive reactions to what we are doing. Helping others helps us find a sense of meaning, and helps us see how fortunate we are.

  Kogan and team found that giving without expecting anything in return significantly improves our mood. Also, the more authentic we feel about our motivations (in other words, the more we truly feel we are doing it for them and not for ourselves), the greater the improvement in our mood. If we make giving and helping others a habit, something we want and choose to do, then we become happier ourselves, but if we give to people because we want to feel happier rather than because we want to help them, it doesn’t work. Focus on making it a habit to help others. We all have natural inclinations to reach out and help. We are often just too busy or too shy to take action. If we can overcome our reluctance and reach out whenever we hear that voice inside our head telling us to help, it will become a habit. Once it becomes a habit and you are not calculating the benefits to yourself, you will become happier.

  Volunteering to work at a charity or help others makes you happier. The effects don’t just last during your volunteering; you could actually become happier for months afterwards. The key word is volunteering. Your motivation has to be an intrinsic desire to help someone, rather than being focused on what you are going to get out it. Participants in studies who worked at a charity to fulfill some other obligation did not become happier. Also, seniors seem to benefit most from volunteering for a charity and helping others. Caring does not have to be connected to an organized charity. Reaching out to a friend or someone at work or school also makes you happier. Interestingly, it is also important to get the people you are helping to participate. People who help others help themselves also get a bump in happiness, while people who do not actively participate in improving their situation can actually become less happy because of their feeling of dependence on someone else.

  Volunteering for a charity or helping others also builds our self-confidence. It helps us feel competent and worthwhile. We feel better because we are contributing to something bigger than ourselves and helping our community, as well as the individuals who are directly affected by our efforts. It can even reduce our stress levels by taking our mind off of our own challenges and providing us with reasons to be grateful for the abundance in our own lives.

  People who volunteer physically feel better. Research by Luks with more than 1,700 female volunteers showed that giving to others releases endorphins, which provide us with a “helper’s high” similar to a “runner’s high.” The better news is that even after the chemicals dissipate from our bodies, we still have a long term sense of well-being that can last for several months.

  Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) shows that the same regions of the brain light up when a person is giving as when they are experiencing pleasure or receiving a reward. Can giving to a charity have the same mood-enhancing effects as cocaine? Research by Harbaugh, Mayr, and Burghart found that giving away money activates a region of the brain called the ventral striatum. That portion of the brain also happens to light up when people have cocaine in their system.

  Volunteering doesn’t just help us be happier, it can make us smarter and contribute to longer lives. Several research studies have shown that giving money to a charity or to help someone else made people happier, and that happier people gave more money to help others--suggesting that there is a virtuous circle of giving and becoming happier, which leads to more giving. The research included giving people $5 or $20 and then assigning them a task of giving it away or spending it on themselves. Those people who gave the money to someone else were happier when contacted that evening than were the people who spent it on themselves. In an organization, this can be multiplied. One person who is passionate about a cause can recruit others to contribute to that cause. The opportunity to give back makes the team happier. Participating with friends and co-workers makes the team happier. The belief that the organization supports charities and passions makes employees happier and more likely to stay. The combination of these benefits creates a more productive workforce and a more successful company. Finally, and most importantly, the community benefits from the generosity and help of the employee volunteers. Organizing charitable opportunities at work creates happiness and success on multiple levels.

  Charity at work brings teams together and boosts morale. It makes people feel like they are part of a team—something bigger than themselves--and gives them a sense of making a difference. It also improves how they feel about the company, and their willingness to stay.

  Research from a 2011 Deloitte Volunteer IMPACT survey showed that employees who volunteered in workplace causes were more engaged and had a higher opinion of the company’s culture. Among the younger generation (those under 35), those who participate are twice as likely to be satisfied with their career development as those who don’t participate. Research by Cone Communications shows that more than 75% of employees want to be involved in giving and volunteering programs, including volunteer days, with as many as 81% willing to participate in company matching programs.

  Let the employees choose the programs that are important to them. Most likely there are passionate people on your team with causes that have real meaning to them. They can tell their stories and share their passions with their other team members, who will feel great being able to help. Don’t make the first effort too big, however; a lot of small opportunities are more effective at getting people involved. Once you have established a group that is committed to helping others, you can branch out to bigger and bigger projects. Participation is always an option. Doing good has to come from the heart. Also, no one wants to deal with a disgruntled participant when they are trying to help make other people happier and better off.

  Activity

  “…Doing a kindness produces th
e single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested.” Martin Seligman

  1.Pick one day a week to practice Random Acts of Kindness. Pick a number to shoot for, like five in one day.

  a.Tape money to a vending machine

  b.Help someone in need cross the street

  c.Open a door for someone

  d.Buy a friend a Coke or a coffee

  e.Help a friend through a stressful time at work or personally

  f.Bring donuts to the office

  2.Find a charity or cause that matches your values. Find ways to help, even if it is for only a few hours each month. Share the opportunity with your team members at work.

  “Our happiness is dependent on the happiness of others, and so the only way we can be happy is if others are as well. In this way, we can still serve ourselves while serving others. If we take action to make others happy, even if that action does not in itself provide us with happiness, the happiness we caused in those others will ultimately make us happy.” Jonji from ProjectHappiness.org

  Chapter 16

  Higher Purpose

  “Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.” Barack Obama

  Part of happiness is having a Higher Purpose--something to strive for that is bigger than you. We all want to matter and to make a difference in the world, at work, or in someone else’s life. Our Higher Purpose is how we find deep meaning and fulfillment in our lives, by contributing to someone or something that is bigger than ourselves.

  “Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” - Helen Keller

  Based on research by the Center for Disease Control, only 21% of adults strongly agree that their life has a clear sense of purpose. In two other studies, 90% of alcoholics and 100% of drug addicts thought their life was meaningless. In several polls spread across several time periods and countries, when people were asked what was very important, “having a purpose or meaning in life” was chosen by 80% to 90% of respondents, while money was chosen by around 16%. Having purpose and meaning in your life has been connected to happiness, life satisfaction, physical health, and self-esteem. According to recent research by Fredrickson and Cole, having purpose and meaning actually increases our health at the cellular level, providing us with a better immune response profile. Purpose and meaning are important and better for us emotionally and physically, but for many of us, they are also elusive.

  It is that nagging feeling that you are not on the right course or that something just isn’t right. You get a sense that your hard work and effort may be directed in the wrong places. Does your work give you energy so you feel excited and pumped, or does it suck your energy so you feel worn down and depleted? Is it possible that you believe that being unhappy today is the sacrifice you need to make to be happy tomorrow?

  These are all signs that you are going through the motions, but don’t have a good understanding of why. Without a Higher Purpose, your daily trudge can often feel mundane and pointless. In the Greek story of Sisyphus, King Sisyphus is punished by the gods, forced to roll a boulder up a mountain all day every day, only to watch it roll back down at the end of the day. No matter how hard he works, the rock never stays at the top of the mountain; and his work is pointless. Our lives often fall into the trap of becoming like Sisyphus. We do the same thing every day with little progress.

  This Sisyphean pursuit often starts after the honeymoon of our careers has ended. Initially we work to gain something for ourselves, such as buying our first car or our first apartment. Focusing on our own personal gain can be motivating for a while. But once we reach that goal, the reward and internal feeling of satisfaction are fleeting. We move on to the next bigger goal, often not even stopping to celebrate our accomplishment. After several months, or whatever timeframe it takes to accomplish those first basic goals, we lose our excitement and focus and fall into a routine. Over the years, we settle deeper and deeper into that routine. Prying ourselves out of that routine requires a Higher Purpose--something we can work toward that makes us want to get up every day. That usually includes something bigger than ourselves. Focusing on giving to someone else or helping our team achieve a bigger goal actually changes our brain chemistry. We get more internal satisfaction. The feeling is consistent and ongoing, rather than fleeting, as it is when we are focused on ourselves.

  Also, when we only focus on ourselves, we easily move into negative thinking. The majority of people are naturally self-critical and tend to think about what is wrong with themselves, rather than appreciating what is right with themselves. We often try to silence those thoughts and bury those feelings with more and more pleasurable experiences, but that voice always comes back and attempts to fill us with self-doubt and sometimes even self-loathing. If we choose to spend our time focused on helping someone else, we have an answer for those doubts. It is a like a proof point for our own internal conversation. When we naturally criticize ourselves, we can counter those negative thoughts by internally referencing our good deeds related to our Higher Purpose. They are concrete examples of the good things we do. If your internal voice says “You are lazy and not good enough,” it can be countered with the example of “but I am building a life for my kids, and that is important work,” or “I contributed to my team reaching their goals, so I am working hard and I am good enough,” or “I have a reason to get up every morning, because I am helping someone accomplish his or her goals.”

  Defining Terms

  Throughout this section we will use three key terms to discuss the science and concepts of striving for more than just mundane, day-to-day actions. They are purpose, Higher Purpose, and meaning.

  Purpose is a connection between what you are doing now and a positive result in the future. Planting seeds is a mundane activity. It gains purpose when you know those seeds will grow into beautiful flowers.

  Higher Purpose is a purpose where the positive result is for someone else or contributes to something bigger than yourself. A purpose of planting seeds and growing flowers becomes a Higher Purpose when you plan to share the joy of seeing the flowers with someone else or when the flowers contribute to making your neighborhood a more beautiful place.

  Meaning is the feeling of contentment and confidence that comes from having a purpose, or even better, having a Higher Purpose that contributes to something bigger than yourself. A meaningful life is one in which you believe that you make a difference, that you matter, and that you are living in harmony with your core values.

  A Higher Purpose is related to finding meaning in your life. Your Higher Purpose is something you strive for, and that striving results in a more meaningful life.

  It is important to note that these are not the most scientifically accurate definitions; they are simplified to help with clarity and understanding of the concepts in this section.

  In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes about living in concentration camps and trying to help his fellow prisoners stay alive. He found that those prisoners who could find meaning in the midst of all that suffering were far more resilient than those who could not. Frankl provides two illustrations of how men found meaning and a purpose to keep living while enduring the horrors of the concentration camps. One prisoner focused on his young child and staying alive so he could once again see his child. Another prisoner focused on his work as a scientist and writing books that would share his knowledge.

  Finding our “Why”

  “He who has a “Why” to live for can bear almost any How.” Nietzsche

  Have you ever had the feeling that something is missing? Everything should be good. You have great relationships and/or a great family, a great job where you are doing well and moving up, and everything in your life seems to be in place. But
you can’t shake that feeling that there must be more. Not having a Higher Purpose can lead to this feeling that something is missing. You need a Higher Purpose to help you understand where to go from here. It serves as your answer to the question “Why?” Why am I doing these things? Why should I get up in the morning? Why should I put in this level of effort? Once you understand your “Why,” you can get the “what” and the “how” in order. You can take action that will fulfill your passion and feel meaningful in your life. Your “Why” provides clarity for taking that next step.

  Dennis Waitley provides an analogy of a suitcase with a million dollars in it. The story explains that all you have to do to claim the one million dollars is drive across town and pick up the suitcase in under one hour. You would probably make two decisions: you would start immediately, and you would overcome any obstacle, traffic problem, or even a natural disaster to get to that suitcase in under an hour.

  The decisions you would make and the actions you would take are probably very different from what you would do if you were driving across town for a meeting, a doctor’s appointment, or some other mundane activity. The one million dollars is a clear and motivational “Why.” You can clearly visualize how it will impact your future, and you would push yourself to extreme measures to claim that prize. We can tap into that same motivational current by finding a clear “Why” for our lives. Knowing and understanding our “Why” will help us start early every day and overcome obstacles that would otherwise deter us from our goals. Find your “Why” for everything you do, and you will discover the ability to overcome any obstacle that is thrown in your way.

  Knowing our Higher Purpose helps us understand why our actions are meaningful and why they matter. It provides confirmation that we are not experiencing a random set of events in our lives, but that we are purposefully headed in a general direction. It may not be a straight path, but at least we are headed in what we judge to be the right direction. Our Higher Purpose serves as our guide when we come to a fork in the road and need to make decisions.