You Have My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  Beatrice watched her friend then rolled her eyes. “Sounds about right…”

  “Your friend gets around?”

  “I think you know the answer to that, Conrad.”

  I walked with her to her beat up car that looked like it belonged in a junkyard. I didn’t understand how a rich girl ended up with a car like that but I didn’t ask. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman exploring her sexuality.”

  “I don’t either. But I know she’s looking for something serious. If she keeps giving all her goodies away, no one is going to stick around for what’s left.”

  Beatrice was right about that even though I didn’t admit it.

  She fished her keys out of her purse then headed to her door.

  “I had a good time tonight.” I leaned against the car with my hands in my pockets.

  “Me too.” She pulled her hair over one shoulder, revealing her slender neck and kissable skin.

  Our relationship had changed. She was more comfortable with me now, but her walls were still up. She wouldn’t let me in even if I tried. I had no idea why she was so distrusting but there was obviously a reason. “I hope you aren’t hungry in a few hours.”

  “I don’t eat much,” she said dismissively.

  “I picked up on that.” I flashed her a teasing smile before I moved away from her car. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

  Surprise came into her eyes. She clearly expected me to ask her out or at least get her number. The fact I didn’t caught her attention. “Yeah…”

  “Good night, Beatrice.” I walked to my truck then left the parking lot without looking back.

  ***

  I knew Beatrice got off work in an hour so I headed to the library. I took my seat at the same table as before and spread my books out. I didn’t look her way once, trying to seem indifferent. Now that we were friends…or at least I thought we were…she would come to me if she spotted me.

  The more I spent time with her, the less I believed I’d get her in my bed. She seemed too reserved and conservative to give me what I wanted. I was probably wasting my time with her but I couldn’t stop myself. There were times when she gave me a special look, like she couldn’t stop staring at me. Her eyes brightened when I made her laugh. She seemed fond of me, letting me in more than she let most people. But I wasn’t sure what that meant.

  I put my ear buds in then worked on my business ethics paper. It wasn’t due until next week but I thought I may as well do it since I was stuck in the library. My eyes checked the clock as the hour passed, waiting until she was off work.

  When the time came, I glanced at the desk. She was grabbing her bag and saying goodbye to a coworker. I quickly turned back to my computer and tried to act like she didn’t exist.

  She stopped at my table. “Hey.” A smile was on her face.

  I yanked my ear buds out. “Hey, sunshine.”

  “Sunshine?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “You remind me of the sun.”

  She looked down at her clothes. “I’m not wearing yellow.”

  “But you give love to your plants so they can grow. So you kind of are the sun, giving light and warmth to those who need it.”

  Her eyes softened for the first time. “Well, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “It was meant as one.”

  She eyed my computer. “What are you doing?”

  “Just watching porn.”

  She had the grace to laugh. “You can’t do that at home?”

  “I guess I just like to mix it up.” I closed the computer. “I was working on an essay.”

  “Oh, I didn’t mean to bother you.”

  “You didn’t,” I said a little too quickly. “It’s not due for a few weeks. I was just getting a jump on it.”

  “Studious,” she noted.

  If only she knew. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Can I join you?”

  Yes, please. “Sure.”

  She sat down across from me then put her bag on the table. “I have to read a few chapters. I’ve been falling behind.”

  “What’s been tying up all your time?” I asked.

  “Work and stuff.”

  I rested my hand on my computer, feeling the warmth. “Can I ask you something?”

  “You can ask me anything, Conrad. But like I said, I may not answer.”

  “Why do you work?” It was something I couldn’t figure out. A girl like her had all the money in the world. She was practically volunteering.

  “Because I need food and a place to live.” She said it with a sarcastic laugh. “Why does anyone work?”

  “Doesn’t your family give you money?” I asked.

  “No.” She shook her head dramatically. “I’m on my own.”

  She was? “You support yourself entirely?”

  “Yep.” She didn’t sound bitter about it. She opened her textbook and a notebook. “And my tuition too.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked. “I’m an adult. I need to make my own way in life. And I don’t want a cent from my father. I’d rather be homeless than take anything from him.”

  It was apparent she had beef with him. There must have been a falling out of some sort. “That explains your crappy car.”

  “Excuse me?” she said in an offended voice. “That’s my baby you’re talking about.” She had a teasing tone to her words.

  “That baby is about to fall apart,” I said with a laugh.

  “Hey, it gets me where I need to go and in one piece.”

  “Does the AC work?”

  “No. But I can roll down the window.”

  I’d die without an AC. “That thing has to be ten years old.”

  “Fifteen. But she’s a good car. She’s been loyal to me.”

  I really didn’t like her car. There was a crack in the front window, and the doors looked like they might fall off. If she got into an accident, she’d be crushed to death. When the engine started, it cranked a few times before it got going. It was a total piece of shit. “I think you could find a more reliable used car if you shopped around.”

  “No, I’m broke.” She flipped the page of her textbook and read through the lines.

  I opened my laptop again but kept sneaking glances at her. “If your car breaks down on you, give me a call. I don’t mind giving you a ride.”

  “Thanks. But I usually take the bus when that happens.”

  The idea of her taking a bus rubbed me the wrong way. I wasn’t sure why.

  “What are your plans for the weekend?” she asked.

  It was nice that she was talking to me like a friend. Before, she was skittish around me. Every time I was around her, I thought about the curve of her waist and how her blouse fit tight against her chest. I wanted to kiss her hard on the mouth and feel her warm breath fill mine.

  “Conrad?”

  “Huh?” What did she say?

  “I asked what your plans were for the weekend.”

  Oh. My daydream got a little too intense. “Nothing really. I’ll probably just watch football on Sunday.”

  She nodded. “No dates for the weekend?” She stared at her textbook like she didn’t care what my answer was.

  If she didn’t care, why would she ask? “No, I’m not seeing anyone.”

  “But you went on a blind date the other night—with me.”

  “My friend dragged me.” It was a lie but I hoped she would buy it.

  “Theo?” she asked.

  I nodded. “He dragged me to the speed dating thing too.”

  Her eyes widened for a moment before they narrowed again. She seemed to like that response. “I know how that is…”

  “I like to keep to myself and do my own thing. I guess I’m not as adventurous as my friends want me to be.”

  She twirled her pen in her hand then scribbled a few notes on her paper. She wrote with her left hand, gripping her pen like an artist held their paintbrush. Her bracelet reflected the light every time s
he moved.

  She didn’t have a comment to that? “Do you have a date this weekend?”

  “No,” she blurted. “I’m too busy for stuff like that.”

  Stuff like that? Didn’t she have needs? Was she a robot? “Work and school aren’t everything, you know.”

  She made a few more notes without looking at me.

  “You should get out more.”

  “I’m not the one who studies in a library all day…”

  To see you. “I have a good balance.”

  When she concentrated on her schoolwork, I focused on mine. The silence stretched between us then became comfortable. I typed my essay while she read her textbook. When she was reading, she pressed the end of the pen against her bottom lip. Sometimes she nibbled on it. For some reason, I thought it was cute. She reminded me of a small rabbit.

  Hours passed until the lights started to dim.

  “They’re closing,” she announced.

  “Good,” I said. “I’m starving.”

  “What’s new?” she teased. “And yes, that was a fat joke.” She packed her things then shouldered her bag.

  I smiled then walked beside her. “You know what?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You’re really cool.”

  “Why are you surprised?” She kept her back perfectly straight while she walked. She had a long torso that made her curves more prominent. The dip in her lower back was calling to me. I’d give anything to put my hand there.

  “You seem so serious all the time.”

  “Well, that’s true. I am.”

  “I’m just glad you have a cool side too.” I opened the door for her then walked beside her as we headed out of the building.

  “You’re pretty cool too.”

  “I know.”

  She laughed. “Cocky, much?”

  I shrugged. “I know what I have to offer.”

  “Actually, you’re nothing like what I expected. And not in a bad way.”

  “Because you thought I was a party animal and a womanizer?”

  “No.” She gripped the strap of her purse with one hand. “You’re just…really nice. You’re easy to talk to. As soon as I saw you, I thought you had one thing on your mind. You don’t look like a guy that has a hard time getting laid.”

  Now I was starting to feel guilty. Her first impression of me was completely accurate. “Well, it’s not that I can’t. I’m just looking for something else right now.”

  She shrugged. “I guess. But we’ve spent a lot of time together and you’ve never looked at me like a piece of meat.”

  Was she blind? Did she really think I wasn’t insanely attracted to her? How could she look at herself in the mirror and ever doubt her beauty? And the fact she was a cool chick only made her more desirable to any person who came near her. “I think you’re beautiful.”

  She turned to me quickly, but there wasn’t anger in her eyes. She seemed pleased by the response.

  Should I go for it now? Ask her out on a date?

  I walked with her to her car, trying to decide what to do. This time, I didn’t ask for her permission to walk her in the dark. I just did it. She didn’t seem to mind. When we reached her piece of crap car, she stopped and turned to me.

  I guess I’ll go for it. If she turns me down now, she’ll always turn me down. My looks and charm wouldn’t change her mind. “Beatrice, would you like to go out sometime?” I studied her face, watching her reaction.

  “Uh…” She fidgeted with her hands, losing her confidence.

  That didn’t sound good.

  “I…I don’t know.”

  She didn’t know? Was I confused? It seemed like the past two weeks we’d spent together meant something to her. I knew I wanted her the moment I saw her. She didn’t feel the same? I saw the desire in her eyes every time she looked at me. She kept her distance, but she never put anything between us either. “Okay…” What else was I supposed to say?

  Beatrice became flustered. It was a look I’d never seen her give. “It’s just…I’m complicated.”

  “Yeah…I’ve picked up on that.” Sarcasm probably wasn’t the best idea but it came out.

  “I’m not looking for something serious right now.”

  Neither was I. What did she want? If she just wanted a fling, I’d be down with that. But she didn’t seem like that type of girl. I was starting to get frustrated. “Then what are you looking for?”

  She fidgeted in place while she pondered my answer. “Actually, I don’t know.”

  This was a dead end. Beatrice was the perfect woman and I wanted her more than any other woman, but I couldn’t have her. Inexplicably, it made me want her more. And the fact no man could have her just heightened my need.

  I had two options. I could walk away and forget about her. Or I could fight. Normally, I would push her against the car then kiss her. But I knew such aggression would get me nowhere.

  So, what do I do? “I was under the impression you liked me…”

  “I do,” she blurted.

  “Then…what’s the problem?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m just awkward on dates, I guess.”

  “You should give me a chance.”

  She pondered my words for a long time, her eyes guarded and her face stoic. “I can’t be anything more than friends right now. I’m sorry, that’s all I can give you.”

  Friends? I had enough friends as it was. I didn’t need more friendship, especially from her. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with her and pretend we didn’t want to rip each other’s clothes off and just give in.

  But there was hope. She said that was all she could give me right now. What about later? Was there a later? Maybe if I just gave her what she wanted now, I’d get what I wanted in the end.

  “I can do that,” I whispered.

  Her eyes moved to mine. “You can?”

  “Yeah. As long as I get to see you, I don’t care what we are.”

  Something happened behind her eyes. Emotion welled up and burst in a crescendo but she blinked her eyes and hid the reaction. Like nothing happened, she shifted her weight and pretended my words meant nothing to her.

  What was that about?

  She adjusted the strap of her purse then flicked her hair over one shoulder. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later, friend.”

  “Good night, sunshine.” I opened her door and yanked on it until it finally popped open.

  She gave me a bright smile before she got inside.

  After I shut the door, I waved and walked away. Once I was beyond her sight, I released a growl from my lips.

  Chapter Seven

  Silke

  In the back of my mind, I knew Arsen was a waste of time. As much as I wanted a happily ever after with him, when he pushed me away, it was hard for me to forgive. I wanted to be strong and just turn my back without thinking twice. More than anything, I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want him to mean anything to me.

  But he did.

  As the week progressed, he came into my mind at the most random times. When I smelled his cologne on a classmate, I wished he were there. The scent of cigarette smoke reminded me of our nighttime conversations in bed. When there was nothing to remind me of him at all, I still thought about him.

  But I didn’t call. And I didn’t text. I refused to tell him I missed him, to open my heart to him. He couldn’t treat me that way and get away with it.

  When I finished my last class on Friday, I headed to my car in the parking lot. My purse was over my shoulder and I was desperate to get home and eat. My stomach rumbled when I thought about a pizza with extra cheese.

  My phone went off in my pocket. I pulled it out, subconsciously hoping Arsen’s name would appear on the screen. But I knew it wouldn’t be him, at least not yet. He usually ignored me for two weeks until he came crawling back.

  But when I looked at the phone, I saw his name.

  My initial response was to answer it, to hear his voice. I missed h
im like crazy. My nights had been lonely and empty without him. But when I thought about talking to him, it pissed me off. He would get so close to me, open his heart to me, and then he would turn his back just as quickly. He loved being near the fire, but as soon as he felt the warmth, he took off.

  And I was getting sick of it.

  I’d never ignored his calls before but I did it now. I stuffed my phone back into my pocket and pretended he hadn’t called at all.

  ***

  He called me every day for the next few days but I kept ignoring him. Soon, he left voicemails. Knowing I wasn’t strong enough to hear his voice without melting, I deleted them without listening to his words. He couldn’t pick me up and drop me over and over. This was the last straw. I was holding my ground and I wouldn’t back down. If he really wanted to be on his own, then that’s what he was getting. Maybe he would learn his lesson this time.

  The time between his calls started to decrease. My phone would buzz every hour. When it got annoying, I turned it off altogether and found something else to do.

  When he couldn’t talk to me that way, he started to text me.

  Call me.

  I deleted the message and pretended I hadn’t read it.

  Silke, talk to me.

  Again, I ignored it.

  I’m sorry. Now pick up the damn phone.

  I turned off my phone so I wouldn’t be pestered by him anymore. I missed him like crazy but I had to take a stand. If I didn’t, he would walk all over me. Those blue eyes made my knees weak, and that sexy voice made me melt. I missed his lips on my skin. I missed his smell. I missed everything.

  But I refused to give in.

  ***

  When I finished my classes for the day, I headed to the parking lot. I scanned the rows, trying to remember where I parked. My memory was bad, at least when it came to my car.

  When I spotted my white Toyota in the distance, I noticed a man leaning against it, wearing a black jacket and a clenched jaw. His eyes were searing blue and beautiful. He held his phone in his hand and was reading something.

  Since Arsen hadn’t noticed me, I turned around and walked back into the building. Then I pulled out my phone.

  Are you on campus? I waited for Denise to respond.