You Have My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  No, I’m home. What’s up?

  Nevermind. I didn’t want Denise to drive all the way back just to give me a ride. I texted Conrad next. I need a ride.

  I need a blowjob. What’s new?

  Can you give me a ride or not?

  Where are you?

  On campus. Are you?

  Yeah. What’s wrong with your car?

  Nothing. I just need a ride.

  He didn’t ask questions. Fine.

  ***

  Conrad dropped me off in front of my apartment. “Why did you need a ride?”

  “I’m a little drunk,” I lied.

  He glanced at the time. “It’s three o’clock on a Wednesday.”

  “I get started early.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Is everything alright, Silke?”

  “I’m fine. Get off my back.” I opened the side door.

  Conrad only applied more pressure. “Seriously, what’s going on?”

  I rolled my eyes. “A guy I was seeing was waiting for me by my car. I didn’t want to deal with him.”

  He didn’t like that response. “You want me to take care of it?” The threat was in his voice. “Because I’ll beat the shit out of him. Then he’ll leave you the hell alone.”

  Conrad was a strong guy, but I had a feeling Arsen would win. He grew up on the streets and had a lot of tricks up his sleeves. “That’s unnecessary. I’m just teaching him a lesson.”

  He didn’t seem assured. “Seriously, Silke. If you need me to take care of it, I will.”

  “I can take care of myself.” I grabbed my purse. “I’ll see you later, alright?”

  He sighed. “Okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I shut the door then walked inside. Arsen would probably be there until late at night. Then he would realize I saw him and took off. He wouldn’t come to my door because that wasn’t his style. But he would if he got desperate enough.

  And I would still ignore him.

  ***

  Now Arsen was going crazy. He blew up my phone with constant calls, my inbox was full of voicemails, and my text messaging was disabled because he was flooding it with long messages that took up most of my data.

  I didn’t blink an eye over it. If he wanted to be with me, he needed to stop pushing me away. I wasn’t putting up with it anymore. It was my way, or no way.

  I was going out with Denise and Charlotte that night. I needed a few drinks to loosen up. My week had been full of term papers and evading Arsen left and right. Some tequila would be nice.

  I wore skin-tight black jeans, black pumps, and a yellow blouse. My hair was done and I painted my face with make up. After the girls picked me up, we went to a bar in Boston.

  The moment we got a table, admirers sent drinks.

  “You know how much money I save every year on drinks?” Denise asked. “Like, a lot.”

  “Being a girl is awesome.” Charlotte sipped her cosmo then smiled. “Man, that’s good.”

  I drank my margarita, loving the taste of tequila. “To being a girl.” I tapped my glass against theirs and then downed half the contents.

  Denise took another drink then made a sour face. “Damn, that was strong.”

  It wasn’t strong enough for me. “I’m going to need another one in a second.”

  Denise looked toward the bar. “Someone buy my friend another round.”

  Like magic, a waiter brought it by.

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s one thing for them to buy our drinks voluntarily, and another to make them do it.”

  “I didn’t make them do anything.” She flipped her hair and enjoyed her glass.

  “Whatever happened with Arsen?” Charlotte asked. “You haven’t talked about him in weeks.”

  Just thinking about him pissed me off. “We’re having a fight right now.”

  “For two weeks?” Denise asked incredulously. “What did he do?”

  I didn’t like to discuss our relationship with people since they would never understand. “He’s just being annoying. I’ve been dodging his calls for a while.”

  “That doesn’t sound good,” Charlotte said.

  “Well, that’s how it goes…” I stirred my glass then crossed my legs.

  “Hunter was so bummed you had a boyfriend,” Denise said. “And he said he doesn’t like Arsen.”

  Not many people did. “Hunter is a nice guy. I feel bad for getting his hopes up.”

  “So, if you and Arsen don’t get through this ‘fight’ would you give him a chance?” Denise asked.

  Charlotte gave me a hard stare like she couldn’t wait for my response.

  I didn’t see Hunter like that. Actually, I didn’t see anyone like that. Just Arsen. “I don’t know…it’s hard to say.”

  “Why?” Charlotte asked. “He’s cute and smart…and not complicated.”

  Hunter probably would be a better choice.

  “Don’t get me wrong,” Denise said. “Arsen is as hot as they come, but that heat is going to run out eventually. I say you go for the good guy this time.”

  “This time?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” Charlotte said. “You always think the dangerous ones are hot.”

  I never noticed it was a pattern. “Arsen and I will work it out. He’s difficult and confusing but I know we’ll pull through.”

  “I’ve never been in a serious relationship,” Denise said. “But I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to make you happy, not make you miserable every other day.”

  I was getting sick of defending Arsen, especially when I knew in the back of my mind they were right. “You have a point. I’ll consider it.”

  Denise shot a glance at Charlotte. “She isn’t going to listen to us.”

  “Nope.” Charlotte shrugged then drank from her glass.

  I didn’t bother saying otherwise.

  We downed our drinks and talked about school and work. Denise had a midterm that she barely passed, so now she was worried about ruining her GPA. Charlotte was a theatre major, so she was constantly sharing lines from her next play. My friends were accomplished and smart. It’s probably why we got along so well. Truthfully, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. I loved art and wanted to be a curator for a museum or gallery, but I knew that was an unlikely job prospect. Sometimes I was jealous of my brother Slade. He knew exactly what he wanted to do since he was five. He even settled down with a nice girl. The fact my brother could commit against all odds gave me more faith in Arsen. If Slade could do it, anyone could.

  “My bladder is about to explode,” I blurted. “I’m headed to the bathroom.”

  “When you give us too much info, we know you’re drunk,” Denise said.

  “No,” Charlotte said. “When she starts kissing us, we know she’s drunk.”

  “Then don’t go into the bathroom,” I said. “Because I’ll probably kiss you in there.”

  Denise laughed and waved me away.

  I walked across the crowded room and headed to the bathroom. A guy pushed into me on accident. I stumbled then kept going, not bothering to listen to his apology. When I finally made it through the sea of people, a mountain blocked me.

  Arsen blocked my path, looking down at me with burning eyes.

  Was he real? Or was I just imagining this? I missed him so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if I hallucinated the entire thing. “Um, what?”

  His eyes narrowed in anger. His jaw was clenched tightly and he was practically seething. He wore a black jacket that made his shoulders looked broader than normal. His height surpassed mine by a foot, making me feel even smaller than usual. “What?” A growled escaped his lips. “I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks. What do you mean what?”

  His words synced with his lips so I knew he was real, not just an apparition. “Okay, so you are real? I’m not imagining this, right?” I swayed on my feet slightly.

  That just pissed him off even more. “How drunk are you?”

  “Not sure…” I tried to walk around him to
get to the bathroom.

  He grabbed my arm. “I’m talking to you.”

  “And I’m not listening to you,” I snapped. “I want you to go away and leave me alone.”

  Arsen tightened his grip and yanked me toward him. “That’s too damn bad.”

  I twisted my wrist the way my brother taught me, forcing him to drop his hold. “I’ve been wanting to talk since the day we met. You can’t just pick me up and drop me whenever you feel like it. I’m a person, Arsen, not a dog or a cat. I’m a fucking person.” Spit flew out of my mouth because I was so angry. Perhaps the alcohol was making me explode, but I was on the verge of kicking his ass right then and there. “I’m sick of your bullshit and the way you treat me. If you want to leave, fine. I’m not going to stop you. But don’t expect me to wait around for you. I’ve moved on. So get out of my life.”

  Arsen stared at me with an expression I couldn’t read. “Silke, I’m so—”

  “Don’t bother.” I stormed off and headed into the bathroom. Once I was inside, I could breathe easy. My bladder was screaming at me so I walked into the stall and finally relieved myself.

  When I was done, I opened the door and saw Arsen standing there. “Did you listen to me pee?”

  “Wanted to make sure you didn’t fall.”

  “Creep…” I washed my hands then dried them.

  He stayed behind me, hovering around me so I wouldn’t slip away.

  “Stop acting like a shadow and leave me alone.”

  “I’m taking you home. You’re wasted.”

  I got in his face. “Nobody takes me home but me. You lost that privilege. Look, you wanted to get rid of me and you were successful. I’m not sitting here telling you there’s more to you than you project. I’m not trying to convince you that you’re capable of something serious. I’m done with this, and now you have exactly what you want. Go out and fuck around and do whatever it is you do when I’m not there.” I turned away but he grabbed me again.

  “Now I understand just how much I hurt you…”

  I twisted away again. “I’m not hurt. You can’t hurt me. You want to know why? Because I won’t let you.” I pushed my hands into his chest and made him stumble back. “Get away from me and stay away. This is what you wanted so accept the consequences of your actions.” I stormed out of the bathroom and tried to get lost in the crowd.

  Of course, Arsen caught up to me. “Just let me take you home. I’m worried about you.”

  “I can take care of myself,” I said with a growl. “And I got my girlfriends.” When I was in sight of the table, I stumbled when I saw them both chatting with handsome men. Fresh drinks were in front of them and I knew I was forgotten.

  Arsen gripped my elbow. “Let’s go.”

  “No.” I pulled away. “You don’t care about me anyway, right? Just leave and forget about me.”

  He pressed his face close to mine. “I never said that. I tried pushing you away to save you.”

  “Save me?” I asked incredulously. “From what? Believe me, you hurt me a lot more than whatever secrets you have.”

  His eyes dimmed while he stared at me. “Just let me take you home. We’ll have this conversation some other time.”

  “No, we won’t. I never want to have another conversation with you—ever. Now leave me the hell alone.”

  Arsen yanked my purse off my shoulder then pulled me toward the door.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  He dragged me outside then waved down a cab.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you.”

  Arsen ignored me then opened the back door of the cab. “Get in.”

  “No.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Get in or I’ll make you.” He ground his teeth together, clearly annoyed.

  “Why aren’t we taking your motorcycle?”

  “Because you’re drunk off your ass and will fall off.”

  “Good riddance, right?” I shifted my weight and gave him a look full of attitude.

  His patience waned. He grabbed me and pushed me in the cab. Then he scooted in next to me. After he told the driver my address, the cab took off.

  I stayed as far away from him as possible and looked out the window, trying to pretend he wasn’t really there.

  Arsen stayed quiet and didn’t try to talk to me. He didn’t touch me either.

  “How did you know I was there?”

  “I followed you,” he said quietly.

  “Stalker…”

  “If you just answered the damn phone, I wouldn’t have had to.”

  “I don’t owe you anything, Arsen.” I continued to stare out the window.

  He sighed. “I know you don’t…”

  When we arrived at my apartment, Arsen paid the driver then got out. I headed to my front door without waiting for him. As I walked up the stairs, my heel slipped and I fell backwards.

  Arsen caught me and held me still. “You okay?”

  Embarrassed by how drunk I was, I left his arms and made it the rest of the way. Then I dug for my keys in my purse. I looked for several minutes without finding them.

  Arsen yanked the bag out of my arms and found them in a second. Then he put them in the door and unlocked it for me.

  I didn’t want to talk to him or look at him. I walked inside then slammed the door in his face. My heels were kicked off and I went straight to my room. Without changing, I got into bed and closed my eyes, wanting the room to stop spinning.

  Once my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning, it was noon. My head was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. Last night was a blur but I vaguely remembered Arsen being there. I peed in the bathroom and he was standing outside the stall.

  The memory of his face made my heart hurt. And that just made me feel worse. Why did I have to care about him? Why did he have to give me whiplash over and over? What did I get myself into?

  My phone vibrated with a text message. I squinted my eyes and read it.

  Coffee and breakfast are on your doorstep, along with aspirin. It was Arsen.

  I growled in annoyance. He knew what my favorite coffee was and I was sure he got an onion bagel with cream cheese. The idea of food and fresh brewed coffee sounded wonderful.

  But I was also sure he was lurking out there, sitting on the staircase smoking a cigarette.

  Oh, the dilemma. How much did I really want that coffee? How desperate was I to get rid of this hang over? I brooded over it for several minutes until I made my decision. I walked to the front door and opened it.

  Like I expected, Arsen was sitting on the staircase. But he was leaning against the wall with his knees pulled to his chest. He was wearing the same clothes as last night. “Morning.” The coffee and pastry bag was right beside him. If I wanted the goodies, I had to get closer to him.

  “You’re sick, you know that?”

  He ignored my comment. “How do you feel?”

  “Like shit,” I said honestly.

  “Then have breakfast.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the frame. “You’re baiting me like an animal.”

  “We aren’t much different from animals.”

  “What kind of argument is that?” I spat.

  He grinned slightly then looked away. “How else am I going to get you to talk to me?”

  “You aren’t.” I walked out and snatched the food. He didn’t try to grab me or hold me still.

  “Sit with me.” He nodded to the stair beside him.

  “No.” I turned around to walk back inside.

  “I won’t talk about us for as long as we sit out here.”

  I stopped in mid-step then slowly turned around. “You won’t?”

  “No.” He looked across the parking lot, lost in thought.

  I sighed then sat beside him on top of the stairs. I pulled out my bagel first then smeared the cream cheese on it. The fact he got my order perfectly right only irritated
me even more. I immediately scarfed it down and felt my stomach loosen up. “What happened last night?”

  “You don’t remember anything?” he asked, slightly annoyed.

  “I remember some things.”

  “You forgave me for everything and we’re back to normal.”

  I gave him the biggest glare I could muster. “Nice try.”

  He chuckled then ran his fingers through his messy hair. “It was worth a shot.”

  I sipped my coffee and watched the afternoon sun. It was mid day and the air was warm.

  “I texted your friends and told them you were okay.”

  “How did you get their number?”

  “I didn’t. I just messaged them from your phone.”

  “Huge violation of privacy…”

  “I was just trying to help.” He rested his elbows on his knees and watched a squirrel grab a nut from the ground and take it up a tree and into a branch.

  I drank my coffee and held it close to my chest, loving how good it tasted. It was just what I needed after the long night I had. My migraine didn’t go away but it wasn’t as bad, thudding slightly. I opened the bottle of painkillers and popped two of them into my mouth. I swallowed it dry.

  “What are your plans today?” he asked.

  It was nice having a platonic conversation with Arsen. But I knew it would be over once breakfast was finished. “I don’t know…sleeping.”

  He fingered a strand of hair like he often did in bed. It usually meant he was thinking about something intimately. “I could use some shut-eye.”

  “You said you wouldn’t talk about us.”

  “I didn’t.” He continued to finger his hair, being sexy without trying. “I was just saying…”

  I drank the rest of my coffee but still felt sluggish afterwards. “Thank you for breakfast.”

  “No problem,” he said quietly.

  “Where’s your motorcycle?”

  “In the parking lot.”

  “You went back and got it?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Then why are you wearing the same clothes?” I asked.

  “Because I didn’t go home.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “So you’ve been out here?”

  He nodded. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  If I wanted it to be this way forever, I’d have to constantly dangle myself in front of him without getting too close. But that was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted Arsen and I to be happy together, to admit how we felt about each other. But he seemed so determined to keep me at arm’s length that I found it unlikely. “You don’t need to check on me, Arsen.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.