Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 39
Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.
Chapman: Absolute waste of time.
Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...
The Album versions continue with Michael Palin moving into the The lumberjack Song
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'The Attila the Hun Show'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
ATTILA THE HUN
John Cleese
MRS. ATTILA
Carol Cleveland
JENNY
Graham Chapman
ROBIN
Michael Palin
UNCLE TOM
Eric Idle
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Stock film of fast moving Huns thundering around on horseback.)
1st Voice Over: In the fifth century, as the once-mighty Roman Empire crumbled, the soft underbelly of Western Europe lay invitingly exposed to the barbarian hordes to the East. Alaric the Visigoth, Galseric the Vandal and Theodoris the Ostrogoth in turn swept westward in a reign of terror. But none surpassed in power and cruelty the mighty Attila the Hun.
2nd Voice Over: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the 'The Attila the Hun Show'.
(Cut to film. Music plays: 'The Debbie Reynolds Show' theme - 'With a little love, just a little love'. We see Attila the Hun running towards Mrs Attila the Hun in slow motion, laughing and smiling. Caption on screen: 'THE ATTILA THE HUN SHOW' Attila and his wife frolic and fall over in slow motion for a bit (copying Debbie Reynolds credits as closely as possible). Captions:
'STARRING ATTILA THE HUN'
'AND RAY SLUDGE AS MRS ATTILA THE HUN'
'WITH TY GUDRUN AND NIK CON AS JENNY AND ROBIN ATTILA THE HUN'
'MUSIC BY THE HUNLETS'
Cut to stock film of fast-moving Huns on horseback.)
1st Voice Over: In the second quarter of the fifth century, the Huns became a byword for merciless savagery. Their Khan was the mighty warrior Attila. With his devastating armies he swept across Central Europe.
(Cut to American-living-room-type set. Doorbell rings. Attila the Hun enters the door.)
Attila: Oh darling, I'm home.
Mrs Attila: Hello darling. Had a busy day at the office?
Attila: Not at all bad. (playing to camera) Another merciless sweep across Central Europe.
(Canned laughter.)
Ms Attila: I won't say I'm glad to see you, but boy, am I glad to see you.
(Enormous canned laughter and applause. Enter two kids.)
Jenny: Hi, daddy.
Robin: Hi, daddy.
Attila: Hi, Jenny, hi, Robby. (brief canned applause) Hey, I've got a present for you two kids in that bag. (they pull out a severed head) I want you kids to get a-head.
(Enormous shriek of canned laughter and applause. Enter one of us blacked up like Rochester, holding a tray of drinks.)
Uncle Tom: Hear you are, Mr Hun!
(Masses of dubbed applause.)
Atilla: Hi, Uncle Tom.
Uncle Tom: There's a whole horde of them marauding Visigoths to see y'all.
(Cut to more stock film of these Huns rushing about on their horses. Superimposed image of announcer at his desk.)
Announcer: And now for something completely different.
It's Man: It's ...
(Massive canned applause. Animated credit titles.)
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Attila the Nun
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
DOCTOR
Graham Chapman
MISS NORRIS
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a country road. After three seconds a motorbike appears in the distance and speeds towards the camera. We see that a wild-looking nun is riding it.)
1st Voice Over: Yes, it's Attila the Nun.
(Attila the Nun flashes past the camera, There is a loud sound of the bike crashing off camera.)
2nd Voice Over: A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.
(Attila the Nun on a hospital bed, struggling wildly with two doctors and a nurse who are trying to hold her down. She looks really fearsome. Another doctor enters and summons the nurse away.)
Doctor: Nurse!
(The camera tracks away and comes up on another bed in which is sitting a beautiful girl revealing more than a patient normally would and endowed with Carol's . . . undoubted attributes. Screens are placed around her. The doctor and nurse come in through the screens.)
Doctor: Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?
Miss Norris: Not too bad, thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Yes, well I think I'd better examine you.
(Cut to a line of half a dozen shabby men in filthy macintosh coats down to the floor and caps, who shuffle in through the screens and stand at the foot of the bed leering.)
Miss Norris: What are they doing here?
Doctor: It's all right, they're students. Um... light please, nurse. (a single red spotlight fills down on the girl; cut back to the men leering) Oh... and... er... music, too. (nurse presses a switch beside bed; stripper music; very loud; cut. to line of men getting very exalted - hands deep in pockets) Breathe in ,.. out ... in ... out...
(After about five seconds the music reaches a climax and ends. The men in macs all applaud.)
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Secretary of State striptease /
Vox pops on Politicians
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
* * *
The cast:
COMPÈRE
Eric Idle
MINISTER
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
FIRST GIRL
Eric Idle
SECOND GIRL
Graham Chapman
THIRD GIRL
Michael Palin
FOURTH GIRL
John Cleese
MR. CONCRETE
Terry Jones
The sketch:
(Cut to reverse angle to show that we are no longer in a hospital but in a seedy strip club. The curtains have just swished shut.)
Compere: Thank you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the Stripping Doctor. And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the Peephole Club for the very first time - a very big welcome please for the Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
(Curtains open. The compere leaves the stage. A man in city gent's outfit walks into the spotlight.)
Minister: Good evening. Tonight I'd like to restate our position on agricultural subsidies, (soft breathy jazzy music creeps in behind his words and he starts to strip as he talks) and their effect on our Commonwealth relationships. Now although we believe, theoretically, in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also believe in the need for a corresponding import levy to maintain consumer prices at a realistic level. But this would have the effect of consolidating our gains of the previous fiscal year, prior to the entry. But I pledge that should we join the Common Market - even maintaining the present position on subsidies - we will never jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with the Commonwealth countries. A prices structure related to any import charges will be systematically adjusted to the particular requirements of our Commonwealth parreefs (he has now removed all his clothes apart from a tassel on each nipple and one on the front of some skin-tight brieft; he starts to revolve the tassels on his nipples) - so that together we will maintain a positive, and mutually
beneficial alliance in world trade (he turns revealing a tassle on each buttock which he also revolves) and for world peace. Thank you and goodnight.
(He removes the last tassle from his G-string with a flourish. Blackout and curtains quickly close. Compere bounces back on stage.)
Compere: Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!
(Burst of Turkish music and curtains swish back as another bowler-hatted pinstriped minister enters doing a Turkish dance. Cut to still of Houses of Parliament. Slow track in. Music changes to impressive patriotic music.)
Voice Over: Yes, today in Britain there is a new wave of interest in politics and politicians.
(Cut to vox pops outside Houses of Parliament. Caption: 'A GROUPIE')
First Girl: Well, we're just in it for the lobbying, you know. We just love lobbying.
Second Girl: And the debates - you know a good debate ... is just... fabulous.
Third Girl: Well, I've been going with ministers for five years now and, you know... 1 think they're wonderful.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes, I like civil servants.
Third Girl: Oh yes, they're nice.
Fifth Girl: I like the Speaker.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes.
Second Girl: I like Black Rod.
Voice Over: What do their parents think?
(Cut to suburban house. Mr Concrete standing in front of door of outside loo.)
Mr Concrete: Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again I'll kick her teeth in.
(He turns and goes in.)
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Ratcatcher / Wainscotting
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
* * *
The cast:
MR. CONCRETE
Terry Jones
MRS. CONCRETE
Michael Palin
RATCATCHER
Graham Chapman
CRICKETER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to interior: the Concrete's sitting room. Mrs Concrete is sitting on the sofa, knitting. Mr Concrete enters.)
Mrs Concrete: Have you been talking to television again, dear?
Mr Concrete: Yes, I bloody told 'em.
Mrs Concrete: What about?
Mr Concrete: I dunno.
Mrs Concrete: Was it Reginald Bosanquet?
Mr Concrete: No, no, no.
Mrs Concrete: Did he have his head all bandaged?
Mr Concrete: No, it wasn't like that. They had lots of lights and cameras and tape recorders and all that son of thing.
Mrs Concrete: Oh, that'll be Ray Baxter and the boys and girls from 'Tomorrow's World'. Oh, I prefer Reginald Bosanquet, there's not so many of them. (the doorbell ring) Oh - that'11 be the ratcatcher. (she lets the ratcatcher in)
Ratcatcher: Hello - Mr and Mrs Concrete?
Both: Yes.
Ratcatcher: Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, how very nice. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leslie Ames, the Chairman of the Test Selection Committee, and I'm very pleased to be able to tell you that your flat has been chosen as the venue for the third test against the West Indies.
Mrs Concrete: Really?
Ratcatcher: No, it was just a little joke. Actually, I am the Council Ratcatcher.
Mrs Concrete: Oh yes, we've been expecting you.
Ratcatcher: Oh, I gather you've got a little rodental problem.
Mrs Concrete: Oh, blimey. You'd think he was awake all the night, scrabbling down by the wainscotring.
Ratcatcher: Um, that's an interesting word, isn't it?
Mrs Concrete: What?
Ratcatcher: Wainscotting ... Wainscotting ... Wainscotting ... sounds like a little Dorset village, doesn't it? Wainscotting.
(Cut to the village of Wains Cotting. A woman rushes out of a house.)
Woman: We've been mentioned on telly!
(Cut back to Concretes' house.)
Ratcatcher: Now, where is it worst?
Mrs Concrete: Well, down here. You can usually hear them.
(Indicates base of wall, which has a label on it saying 'Wainscotting'.)
Ratcatcher: SsssH
Voice Over: Baa ... baa ... baa ... baa ... baa ... baa...
Ratcatcher: No, that's sheep you've got there.
Voice Over: Baa ... baa.
Ratcatcher: No, that's definitely sheep. A bit of a puzzle, really.
Mrs Concrete: Is it?
Ratcatcher: Yeah, well, I mean it's (a) not going to respond to a nice piece of cheese and (b) it isn't going to fit into a trap.
Mrs Concrete: Oh - what are you going to do?
Ratcatcher: Well, we'll have to look for the hole.
(We follow them as they look along the wainscotting.)
Mrs Concrete: Oh yeah. There's one here.
(She indicates a small black mousehole.)
Ratcatcher: No, no, that's mice.
(He reaches in and pulls out a line of mice strung out on a piece of elastic. Then he lets go so they shoot in again. The ratcatcher moves on. He moves a chair, behind which there is a three-foot-high black hole.)
Ratcatcher: Ah, ,this is what we're after.
(The baaings get louder. At this point six cricketers enter the room.)
Cricketer: Excuse me, is the third test in here?
Mr Concrete: No - that was a joke - a joke!
Cricketer: Oh blimey, (exeunt)
Ratcatcher: Right. Well, I'm going in the wainscotting.
(Cut to 'Wains Cotting' woman, who rushes out again.)
Woman: They said it again.
(Back to the sitting room.)
Ratcatcher: I'm going to lay down some sheep poison.
(He disappears into the hole. We hear:)
Voice Over: Baa, baa, baa.
(A gunshot. The ratcatcher reappears clutching his arm.)
Ratcatcher: Aagh. Ooh! It's got a gun!
Mrs Concrete: Blimey.
Ratcatcher: Now, normally a sheep is a placid, timid creature, but you've got a killer.
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Killer Sheep
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
* * *
The cast:
PROFESSOR
Eric Idle
VIKING
Terry Gilliam
CRICKETER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Poster: 'Wanted For Armed Robbery - Basil' with a picture of a sheep. Exciting crime-type music. Mix through to newspaper headlines: 'Farmers Ambushed in Pen', 'Merino Ram in Wages Grab'. Eerie science fiction music; mix through to a laboratory. A scientist looking through microscope and his bushy attractive assistant.)
Professor: It's an entirely new strain of sheep, a killer sheep that can not only hold a rifle but is also a first-class shot.
Assistant: But where are they coming from, professor?
Professor: That I'don't know. I just don't know. I really just don't know. I'm afraid I really just don't know. I'm afraid even I really just don't know. I have to tell you I'm afraid even I really just don't know. I'm afraid I have to tell you... (she hands him a glass of water which she had been busy getting as soon as he started into this speech) ... thank you ... (resuming normal breezy voice) ... I don't know. Our only clue is this portion of wolf's clothing which the killer sheep ...
(Cut to Viking.)
Viking: ... was wearing...
(Cut back to sketch.)
Professor: ... in yesterday's raid on Selfridges.
Assistant: I'll carry out tests on it straight away, professor.
(She opens a door to another lab; but it is full of cricketers.)
Cricketer: Hello, is the third t
est in here, please?
(She slams the door on them.)
Assistant: Professor, there are some cricketers in the laboratory.
Professor: This may be even more serious than even I had at first been imagining. What a strange... strange line. There's no time to waste. Get me the Chief Commissioner of Police.
Assistant: Yes, sir!
(She opens a cupboard and slides out the Chief Commissioner of Police on a sort of slab. He grins and waves cheerily. 'This is Your Lift' music and applause.)
Professor: No, no, on the phone.
Assistant: Oh... (she pushes him back in)
Professor: Look of fear! (he is staring transfixed at something in the doorway) Another strange line. Look out, Miss Garter Oil!
Assistant: Professor! What is it? What have you seen?
Professor: Look - there, in the doorway.
(Cut to doorway: through it is animation of a huge sheep with an eye patch.)
Assistant: Urghhh! Arthur X! Leader of the Pennine Gang!
(ANIMATION: perhaps even mixed with stock film - as the fevered mind of Gillam takes it - sheep armed to the teeth, sheep executing dangerous raids, Basil Cassidy and the Sundance Sheep, sheep with machine gun coming out of its arse etc. At the end of the animation, cut to studio. A narrator sitting in what could be a news set at a desk.)