Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 40
Narrator: But soon the killer sheep began to infect other animals with its startling intelligence. Pussy cats began to arrange mortgages, cocker spaniels began to design supermarkets...
(Cut back to the aninmtion again: a parrot.)
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The News for Parrots /
The News for Gibbons
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
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The cast:
NARRATOR
Michael Palin
DARNAY
Graham Chapman
LUCY
Carol Cleveland
OLD MAN
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Cut back to the animation again: a parrot.)
Parrot: And parrots started to announce television programmes. It's 8 o'clock and time for the News.
(Cut back to the same narrator at desk.)
Narrator: Good evening. Here is the News for parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today, when a lorry carrying high octane fuel was in collision with a bollard ... that is a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved. The Minister of Technology (photo of minister with parrot on his shoulder) today met the three Russian leaders (cut to photograph of Brahnev, Podgomy and Kosygin all in a group and each with a parrot on his shoulder) to discuss a £4 million airliner deal ... (cut back to narrator) None of them went in the cage, or swung on the little wooden trapeze, or ate any of the nice millet seed yam, yam. That's the end of the news. Now our programmes for parrots continue with part three of 'A Tale of Two Cities' specially adapted for parrots by Joey Boy. The story so far ... Dr Manette is in England after eighteen years (as he speaks French Revolution type music creeps in under his words) in the Baslille. (cut through to a Cruikshank engraving of London). His daughter Lucy awaits her lover Charles Damay, whom we have just learnt is in fact the nephew of the Marquis de St Evremond, whose cruelty had placed Manette in the Bastille. Darnay arrives to find Lucy tending her aged father...
(Superimposed caption: 'LONDON 1793' Music reaches a climax and we mix slowly through to an eighteenth-century living room. Lucy is nursing her father. Some low music continues over. Suddenly the door bursts open and Charles Darnay enters.)
Darnay: (in parrot voice) 'Allo, 'allo.
Lucy: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.
Old Man: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.
Darnay: Who's a pretty boy, then?
Lucy: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.
(And more of the same. Cut back to the narrator.)
Narrator: And while that's going on, here is the news for gibbons. No gibbons were involved today in an accident on the M 1 ...
(The narrator's voice fades.)
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Today in Parliament / The News for Gibbons
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
CYRIL
Eric Idle
NARRATOR
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Man sitting at a desk; the set behind him says 'Today in Parliament'.)
Cyril: In the debate a spokesman accused the Government of being silly and doing not at all gbod things. The member accepted this in a spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he'd ever been naughty with a choirboy. Angry shouts of 'what about the watermelon, then?' were ordered by the Speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut off and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government a Front Bench Spokesman said the agricultural tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Furthermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a lot of fun to him, his friend and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'who likes a sailor, then?' from the Minister without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said, he could no longer deny the rumours but he and the dachshund were very happy; and, in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap and what was the harm in a sauna bath.
(Cut to narrator. Caption on screen: '7 HOURS LATER')
Narrator: ... were not involved. The Minister of Technology (cut to photograph of minister with a wombat on his shoulder) met the three Russian leaders today (Russian leaders again all with wornbats on their shoulders) to discuss a £4 million airliner deal. None of them were indigenous to Australia, carried their babies in pouches or ate any of those yummy eucalyptus leaves. Yum, yum. That's the news for wornbats, and now Attila the Bun!
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Attila the Bun / The Idiot in Society
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
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The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
FIGGIS
John Cleese
MR. JENKINS
Michael Palin
BANK MANAGER
Graham Chapman
THIRD VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
CLERK
Terry Jones
OLD IDIOT
Eric Idle
KEVIN
John Cleese
IDIOT
John Cleese
FIRST CITY IDIOT
John Cleese
SECOND CITY IDIOT
Michael Palin
THIRD CITY IDIOT
Graham Chapman
FOURTH CITY IDIOT
Terry Jones
INTERVIEWER
Graham Chapman
FIRST IDIOT
Michael Palin
SECOND IDIOT
Graham Chapman
THIRD IDIOT
Eric Idle
FOURTH IDIOT
John Cleese
FIFTH IDIOT
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Animation: a vicious rampaging bun)
Voice Over: Well that's all for Attila the Bun, and now - idiots!
(A village idiot in smock and straw hat, red cheeks, straw in mouth, sitting on a wall, mah'ng funny noises and rolling his eyes.)
1st Voice Over: Arthur Figgis is an idiot. A village idiot. Tonight we look at the idiot in society.
(Cut to close-up of Figgis talking to camera. Very big close-up losing the top and bottom of his head.)
Figgis: (educated voice) Well I feel very keenly that the idiot is a pan of the old village system, and as such has a vital role to play in a modern rural society, because you see ... (suddenly switches to rural accent) ooh ar ooh ar before the crops go grey are in the medley and the birds slides nightly on the oor ar ... (vicar passes and gives him sixpence) Ooh ar thankee, Vicar ... (educated voice) There is this very real need in society for someone whom almost anyone can look down on and ridicule. And this is the role that ... ooh ar naggy gamly rangle tandie oogly noogle Goblie oog ... (passing lady gives .him sixpence) Thank you, Mrs Thompson... this is the role that I and members of my family have fulfilled in this village for the past four hundred years... Good morning, Mr Jenkins, ICI have increased their half-yearly dividend, I see.
(We see Mr Jenkins pass, he is also an idiot, identically dressed.)
Mr Jenkins: Yes, splendid.
Figgis: That's Mr Jenkins - he's another idiot. And so you see the idiot does provide a vital psycho-social service for this community. Oh, excuse me, a coach party has just arrived. I shall have to fall off the wall, I'm afraid.
(He falls backwards off the wall. Cut to Figgins in idiot's costume coming out of a suburban home. He walks on to the lawn on which are several pieces of gym equipment. He rum head-on into horse (speeded up) and falls over, concussed.)
2nd Voice Over: Arthur takes idiotting seriously. He is up at six o'clock every morning working on special training equipment designed to keep him silly. And of course he takes great pride in his appearance.
(Figgis, dressed in nice clean smock, jumps into a pond He immediately scrambles up, pulls out a mirror and pats mud an his face critically, as if making-up.)
2nd Voice Over: Like the doctor, the blacksmith, the carpenter, Mr Figgis is an important figure in this village and - like them - he uses the local bank.
(Village square. A bank. Figgis is walking towards it. People giggling and pointing. He goes into a silly routine. Figgis enters the bank. Cut to bank manager standing outside bank. Caption on screen: 'M. BRANDO - BANK MANAGER')
Bank Manager: Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here.
3rd Voice Over: What kind of money is there in idiotting?
Manager: Well nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year - if he's the head of some big industrial combine. But of course, the more old-fashioned idiot still refuses to take money.
(We see Figgis handing over a cheque to cashier; cashier pushes across a pile of moss, pebbles, bits of wood and acorns.)
Manager: (voice over) He takes bits of string, wood, dead budgerigars, sparrows, anything, but it does make the cashier's iob very difficult; but of course they're fools to themselves because the rate of interest over ten years on a piece of moss or a dead vole is almost negligible.
(A clerk appears at door of bank.)
Clerk: Mr Brando.
Manager: Yes?
Clerk: Hollywood on the phone.
Manager: I'll take it in the office.
(Cut to a woodland glade.)
3rd Voice Over: But Mr Figgis is no ordinary idiot. He is a lecturer in idiocy at the University of East Anglia. Here he is taking a class of third-year students.
(Half a dozen loonies led by Figgis come dancing through the glade singing tunelessly. They are wearing long University scarves.)
3rd Voice Over: After three years of study these apprentice idiots receive a diploma of idiocy, a handful of mud and a kick on the head.
(A vice-chancellor stands in a University setting with some young idiots in front of him. They wear idiot gear with BA hoods. One walks forward to him, he gets a diploma, a fateful of mud and stoops to receive his kick on the head. Cut to happy parents smiling proudly.)
3rd Voice Over: But some of the older idiots resent the graduate idiot.
Old Idiot: I'm a completely self-taught idiot. I mean, ooh arh, nob arhh, nob arhh .... nobody does that anymore. Anybody who did that round here would be laughed off the street. No, nowadays people want something wittier.
(Wife empties breakfast over him. Cut to idiot falling repeatedly off a wall.)
3rd Voice Over: Kevin O'Nassis works largely with walls.
Kevin: (voice over) You've got to know what you're doing. I mean, some people think I'm mad. The villagers say I'm mad, the tourists say I'm mad, well I am mad, but I'm naturally mad. I don't use any chemicals.
3rd Voice Over: But what of the idiot's private life? How about his relationship with women?
(Idiot in bed. Pull back to reveal he shares it with two very young, thin, nude girls.)
Idiot: Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool.
Voice Over: But the village idiot's dirty smock and wall-falling are a far cry from the modern world of the urban idiot. (stock film of city gents in their own clothes pouring out of trains) What kinds of backgrounds do these city idiots come from?
(Vox pops film of city gents. Subtitles explain their exaggerated accents.)
First City Idiot: Eton, Sandhurst and the Guards, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Second City Idiot: I can't remember but I've got it written down some where.
Third City Idiot: Daddy's a banker. He needed a wastepaper basket.
Fourth City Idiot: Father was Home Secretary and mother won the Derby.
(Cut to a commentator with mike in close-up. Pull back in his speech, to discover he is standing in front of the main gate at Lords cricket ground.)
Interviewer: The headquarters of these urban idiots is here in St John's Wood. Inside they can enjoy the company of other idiots and watch special performances of ritual idiotting.
(Cut to quick wide-shot of cricket match being played at Lords. Cut to five terribly old idiots watching.)
First Idiot: Well left.
Second Idiot: Well played.
Third Idiot: Well well.
Fourth Idiot: Well bred.
Fifth Idiot: (dies) Ah!
(Another very quick wide-shot of Lords. There is nothing at all happening and we can 't distinguish anyone.)
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Test Match / The Epsom Furniture Race
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 20
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The cast:
JIM
John Cleese
PETER
Graham Chapman
BRIAN
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
COMMENTATOR
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Cut to three TV commentators in modern box, with sliding window open. They are surrounded by bottles.)
Jim: 0OHN) Good afternoon and welcome to Lords on the second day of the first test. So far today we've had five hours batting from England and already they're nought for nought. Cowdrey is not out nought. Naughton is not in. Knott is in and is nought for not out. Naughton of Northants got a nasty knock on the nut in the nets last night but ies nothing of note. Next in is Nat Newton of Notts. Not Nutring - Nutting's at nine, er, Nutring knocked neatie nighty knock knock...(another commentator nudges him) ... anyway England have played extremely well for nothing, not a sausage, in reply to Iceland's first innings total of 722 for 2 declared, scored yesterday disappointingly fast in only twenty-one overs with lots of wild slogging and boundaries and all sorts of rubbishy things. But the main thing is that England have made an absolutely outstanding start so far, Peter?
Peter: Splendid. Just listen to those thighs. And now it's the North East's turn with the Samba. Brian.
Brian: (he has an enormous nose) Rather. (opens book) I'm reminded of the story of Gubby Allen in '32. ..
Jim: Oh, shut up or we'll close the bar. And now Bo Wildeburg is running up to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs up, he bowls to Cowdrey...
(Cut to fast bowler. He bowls the ball but the batsman makes no move whatsoever. The ball passes the off stump.)
Jim: ... and no shot at all. Extremely well not played there.
Peter: Yes, beautifully not done anything about.
Brian: A superb shot of no kind whatsoever. I well remember Plum Warner leaving a very similar ball alone in 1732.
Jim: Oh shut up, long nose. (Peter falls off his chair.) And now it's Bo Wildeburg running in again to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs in. (bowler bowls us before; ball goes by as before) He bowls to Cowdrey - and no shot at all, a superb display of inertia there... And that's the end of the over, and drinks.
Peter: Gin and tonic please.
Jim: No, no the players are having drinks. And now, what's happening? I think Cowdrey's being taken off. (Two men in white coats, a la furniture removers, so maybe they're brown coats, are carrying the batsman off. Two men pass them with a green Chesterfield sofa making for the wicket.) Yes, Cowdrey is being carried off. Well I never. Now who's in next, it should be number three, Natt Newton of Notts... get your hand off my thigh, West... no I don't think it is... I think it's er, it's the sofa ... no it's the Chesterfield! The green Chesterfield is coming in at number three to take guard now.
Brian: I well remember a similar divan being brought on at Headingley in 9 BC against the darkies.
Jim: Oh, shut up, elephant snout. And now the green Chesterfield has taken guard and Iceland are putting on their spin dryer
to bowl.
(Furniture fielding. The whole pitch is laid out with bits of furniture in correct positions. Three chairs in the slips; easy chair keeping wicket; bidet at mid on; TV set at cover; bookcase at mid off,' roll-top writing desk at square leg; radiator at mid wicket etc. The spin dryer moves forward and bowls a real ball with its snozzle to a table, which is at the batting end with cricket pads on the hits the table on the pad. Appeal.)
Jim: The spin dryer moves back to his mark, it runs out to the wicket, bowls to the table... a litde bit short but it's coming in a bit there and it's hit him on the pad... and the table is out, leg before wicket. That is England nought for one.
(Cut to a race course. Furniture comes into shot racing the last fifty yards to the finishing post.)
Commentator: Well here at Epsom we take up the running with fifty yards of this mile and a half race to go and it's the wash basin in the lead from WC Pedestal. Tucked in nicely there is the sofa going very well with Joanna Southcott's box making a good run from hat stand on the rails, and the standard lamp is failing fast but it's wash basin definitely taking up the running now being strongly pressed by ... At the post it's the wash basin from WC then sofa, hat stand, standard lamp and lastly Joanna Southcott's box.
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