She wasn’t okay. Avery wasn’t okay.
I got out of my car and went to see her. Chills took hold but adrenaline always won with me. When I tripped the latch on her door, the door threw itself open and I had to dip and catch her sleeping body as she tumbled out. She must’ve been fully leaning against the door.
“Whoa,” I said. “Avery you’re freezing.”
Her hand had lazily fallen down onto my arm. It was like she wanted to catch herself but she couldn’t. Her senses were busted.
“Shit,” I cursed to myself. Her lips were blue. I caught a glimpse of her face and she was white as a sheet.
“No, I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said lazily, her eyes barely open, words slurred.
I checked her car. There was no one else here.
“Okay,” I said. “I’m taking you home.”
“Not my home,” she rushed darkly.
I helped her stand, it was difficult. Then I pulled my passenger door open and sloppily dropped her straight down on the seat.
Luckily she managed to almost sit naturally where she needed to be. I pushed at her butt with both my hands trying to get her in the rest of the way. She was so dazed or on something that I had to lift her freezing bare feet up and put them inside one-by-one. She didn’t even have shoes.
How’d she get here? Was she really alone? What was going on?
In anger, I slammed the door.
“Shit!” I cursed, upset with the situation.
I rushed to take the key from her car and lock it. I’d be leaving it alone. I caught sight of some wet socks and groaned.
Next thing I knew I was speeding back down toward my house, trying not to give heed toward the weather.
“What’s amatter with you Avery?” I needed to know what it was. Was this a hospital thing? Was this a house thing?
“What? Nothing,” she was in denial. “I went for a swim in the lake.”
“What?!” I wanted to hit her. I could imagine her doing that but WHY?! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?!
IT WAS WINTER! AND SNOWING WHERE SHE WAS!
I pushed the pedal down and sped faster toward my house, racing down the street and endangering us both but my choices were limited.
When the street got busy I slowed down again.
“Stay awake,” I said, pushing her.
“Hey, ow,” she whined.
“I mean it,” I said, shaking her again.
I didn’t know how to keep her up. I couldn’t drive and distract her. I jacked the heat up, even though it was nearly heating me out.
“Avery, why did you do that?”
Maybe if I got her to talk it would keep her awake.
“I love swimming,” she said.
“I know,” I deadpanned. I had to fight the smile that tickled me. “But it was cold, yeah?” I asked like I would to a small child.
“Oh yeah,” she said. “So cold.” She shook to demonstrate but she was sort of slow about it and I knew this wasn’t right. All I could do was shake her now and then and keep her awake while I drove.
Nearing my home, I felt relief. Keeping her up in the warm car had been near impossible. I pulled up to my house, opening the garage and driving us inside. I pressed the button to shut the big door as we slowed to a stop.
We didn’t have much time. It’d been an hour at least since she’d done such a stupid stupid thing. An hour to climb a mountain with her car, an hour to dive in and then an hour to come back. If she had taken something to it was probably too late to undo what she’d done.
After I parked, I moved around to her side and picked her up, her arms came ‘round my neck and she held me.
“Where are we?” She asked. “It’s so dark.”
My garage lights were always tricky and no one ever wanted to leave them on. My parents were gone for the weekend, some business thing in Palm Springs.
“We’re at my house,” I said. “Come on, help me,” I pulled her and her feet barely caught. I was nearly dragging her in before her control and motion seemed to catch up with her.
Her full body was pressed to mine. She was cold and wet like an ice cube but still Avery. For a second I actually felt her. I think it was the safety of knowing I was actually with her alone at home. If we were at school I wouldn’t let myself take her in.
It might sound ridiculous but I almost thought we’d never share a room again, not for any reason. But here we were.
“Come on,” I said, trying to get her to be more helpful. She still had her arms around my neck but I felt like I was dragging her.
We got to the stairs and I had to readjust.
“Okay, new plan,” I said. Her face was so pale. I just wanted to touch her.
“K, what,” she nearly half-smiled with intrigue.
“Jump up,” I said, standing in front of her and patting my back.
“You’re kidding,” she laughed.
“Come on, Avery. We don’t have time.”
“Okay,” she shrugged. I guess my tone finally got to her.
I braced myself by placing my left hand on the rail and my right foot up on the first step.
Avery jumped and I caught her. I needed both hands though, so that made it real tough.
I had my hands at her thighs and I was trying so hard to make it but I wasn’t a pack mule and I was smaller than her.
I started walking but she was heavier than I thought.
I took a few quick steps and then I stumbled, dropping one of her legs.
“This is stupid,” she laughed.
I wanted to drop her, wanted to yell.
She needed me though so I took it one foot at a time.
When we finally got to the top of the stairs I pulled her into my room and nearly dropped her down on my bed.
“Whoa,” she breathed, staring up at the ceiling. “That was kinda fun.”
“Bullshit,” I huffed.
I shut my door and moved quickly, coming back to her and straddling her center beneath mine.
“Come on, sit up,” I said, taking her wet shirt and pulling it up over her head.
She didn’t fight me, she just smiled that same drifting half-there smile. It was the smile that made me know, she wasn’t exactly with me though I wished that she was.
She wasn’t okay. This wasn’t okay.
As I pulled her shirt off I accidentally hugged her to me.
“You’re like ice,” I found myself hissing through mixed emotions. I moved back off of her and grabbed her pants with both hands, pulling them down and off.
She tried to stop me but her hands were too slow.
“I didn’t say you could do this,” she seemed angry.
“Hey,” I said, crawling back up on top of her. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her or make her feel trapped. “Hey,” I brought my hands to her face and stared down at her. It scared me that her eyes seemed to take extra-long to find their way to mine. “You need to get warm. I’m not trying to hurt you. Let me help you. Please?” I stared down giving her my serious face.
“Fine,” she said after I held her face for too long. I needed her to give me permission. I needed it for the both of us or else this would be weird.
“I won’t look,” I lied. Next thing I knew I was taking her bra off gently and pulling her underwear down.
To my own surprise, I actually didn’t look much. This wasn’t the way I wanted to be able to see her.
I pulled a towel from the closet and began to rub her skin to try and dry it off and warm it up.
This was the hardest part though. When she was quiet and motionless I was scared. Her toes were sort of blue and so were her fingers.
When I finally got back up to her face I noticed that she was still awake, still just waiting for me to be done with whatever this was I was doing to her.
“I’ll get you clothes now, okay? I just had to dry you off.”
Her lips were blue. I so wanted to kiss them to fill them up with warmth, to remind her that hey maybe she wasn’t too happy w
ith life but I wanted her to live and I needed her in my life and maybe she shouldn’t be doing such stupid stupid things.
As anger filled me up, I walked to my dresser and pulled out some fresh underwear. I was actually mad at her now, mad at her for making me put them on.
But then I remembered that she probably hadn’t done this to hurt me. It could have nothing to do with me. This could all be her stuff and I was just… Here.
Innocent bystander.
Accidental casualty.
Unconsidered lover and friend.
No mind to all that, dressing her, after everything, was easy. It was quiet and tense but it was necessary for me to help her so I sucked it all up and cleared my broken mind.
She didn’t fight me, she didn’t care.
I pulled fresh thick sweatpants onto her legs and then a thick soft sweater of mine over her arms and her body. Then I got some dry socks and put them onto her one at a time. I rubbed her feet rather generously at first, a feeble attempt to repair her. I found my hands tracing her ankles and her frame. I’d been breathing loudly without noticing. She’d exhausted me, scared me to wake. The whole time she lay limp like a half-conscious doll just waiting for death.
As I moved up her body getting ready to make her sit up again, I heard her voice.
“Sorry, I text you,” she said. “I didn’t want anyone else.”
Wh-what did she mean?
What did that mean?!
Didn’t want anyone else for what?! To see her like this? To come say hi? To touch her like this?
Was she even aware she was in danger?
It scared me. Could she possibly think I’d be upset about her asking for help?
There still wasn’t time for me to pretend this hadn’t been a cry for help.
“I’m glad you texted me,” I said, reaching up for her and forcing her to hug her arms around my neck once again. I couldn’t be happy right now. I was too worried to make room for joy. “Come on,” I said, leading her out of my room and back down the stairs.
When we got to the living room I led her to lie down on the thick rug in front of the fireplace. I put a pillow down first. Then I found some blankets and laid them over her. Once she was covered and safe, I sat down beside her, perching up on my knees to place a starter-log in the fireplace and light it aflame with one long match. I stacked extra logs around it to encourage growth and coax out the warmth. My parents always had fresh cuts of wood around, the look and smell of a real homey fire always pleased me.
The flame was lit. She was covered up and soon there’d be strong fresh heat.
Finally it was okay to calm down, okay to look.
I hovered over her and looked down at her eyes.
“Your lips are still blue,” I said. I cupped her cheek with my hand and stroked it a little with my thumb.
Was kissing good for hypothermia?
I smiled down at her, exhausted, and huffed out a small laugh. I tried that once, I wouldn’t try it again.
“What the hell were you doing out there,” I said out loud.
It was something I would’ve said in my head if I had thought of that first. Sometimes I said things aloud completely by accident. I hated that but right now I couldn’t care. She scared me. She scared me good.
Her hand came up and held at my wrist. I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to stop touching her or if maybe, for now, this was okay. My eyes flickered again as the fire and the heat grew beside us finally making her warm up. I had her now. Things would get better soon. Any longer and she would’ve needed medical care. The thought of that sobered me. Whatever happened now, she’d be okay.
Chapter Eighteen
Avery
The bus ride was two hours long. Plenty of time for me to think and over analyze my stupid stunt. I’d made sure I got on the bus first so I could claim the back seat. I spread out, making it evident that I didn’t want anyone sitting with me. My back was against the side of the bus, legs stretched out across the seat. My bag sat on my lap, with a pillow on top in case I wanted to sleep.
My classmates were chatting all around me but I had my headphones on, blocking it all out. They might even be talking about me and how I was acting weird. Ben was somewhere up front. I’d avoided his texts and calls until now but he was going to get me alone. I just wouldn’t let him. I was safe on the bus.
He couldn’t come back here without it looking weird and I was rooming with Olivia so he couldn’t get to me there either. Olivia… I brought my phone to life clicking on the playlist I’d saved. It only had one song on it. It was the one I’d sang to her in the auditorium.
I didn’t remember a lot of what happened that day I went swimming in Baskin Lake. There were flashes of her getting me in her car, asking me questions. Memories of her undressing me dominated. It felt right and wrong at the same time. Her hands had been so gentle when she touched me.
I wanted her to kiss me again. Every time I’d thought of it in my stupor I smiled and I think that made her more upset. When I’d woken in the morning I had no idea where I was but she was beside me. The bed was huge and I was wearing unfamiliar clothes, her clothes.
She was fast asleep beside me and I’d turned to watch her, my chest aching. She was so good to me after what I’d done. I couldn’t stay there. She was perfect and I would fall more into her than I already was. Maybe rooming together on the trip was a bad idea.
I couldn’t change it now without some trouble and without her knowing that I’d done it to begin with. Someone would tell her. That’s what I told myself instead of admitting that I wanted to room with her and be close to her. It was always excuses which held her away from me.
Instead of waking her up, I found something with the address to her house and looked it up, calling a cab to come get me. When I’d left her she was sleeping soundly, her hand over the place where my body had been. I frowned, wondering what could have happened if I’d stayed. The note I’d left was probably in the trash.
Vi, Thanks for taking care of me. - Avery
Now, I owed her. She had rescued me even when she had no reason to be nice and I’d just left her there. Thinking about making it up to her took up all the space in my mind so that I had no energy to think about my Dad being home when I returned.
The bus pulled into the lodge mid-morning. It was Monday now. The sun was nowhere to be seen, still hiding behind the clouds that openly promised more snow by nightfall. We would spend the rest of the day getting settled and tomorrow we would all be out on the slopes or in the lodge doing whatever we wanted. Ben was the main chaperone along with Coach Chen.
Most of the ride I’d stared out the back window. Once, I looked up and, Ben caught my eye and started talking to Coach Chen all animated like. It was weird. I just looked back out away from him.
Now, as I stood on the steps to the lodge, I could feel the inevitable collision of my ego with a brick wall when I walked into that room that Olivia and I were going to share.
I didn’t care about Ben or what games he wanted to play. I just cared about making sure Olivia knew how thankful I was and making sure that she was okay with how things were between us. She wanted more and I wanted more but I couldn’t go there. My life was a disaster and I would not expose her to the debris.
Skylar stopped beside me and looped her arm through mine. “Hey girl, you coming inside or just going to stay out here staring at the building?”
I tried to smile and pretend, like always. She pulled me along with her and we joined the other girls that I usually hung out with by default. Either they were on the swim team or they were girlfriends of the guys on the swim team.
Technically, I wasn’t really in any clique. I was just friends with everyone who wanted to be friends with me. Unless they were an asshole. I drew the line there. I suppose my view on that was subjective.
They chattered around me, content to ignore that I wasn’t paying attention to them. I was looking for Olivia, wondering if she had beaten me to the room or if she was eve
n here yet.
She hadn’t been on the bus but Skyler told me that she was driving herself up. I couldn’t blame her. I would too. Was it to avoid me? She seemed like she would hate the bus as a rule but she hadn’t mentioned anything about not being on the bus. Not that she told me much, anyway.
It didn’t matter. Skyler released my arm and I hugged myself, looking around the lobby.
“Aves, what the hell? Skyler told me you wanted to room with Olivia Holbrook?!”
My eyes locked on Sarah, my sometimes-friend and one-sided nemesis. I couldn’t care less what she thought of me but apparently my getting more attention than she did bothered her, or maybe it was the fact that her boyfriend had tried to stick his tongue down my throat at winter formal last year. I shuttered at the thought of it and tried to focus.
“Yeah, what’s the deal?”
I really didn’t care. Sarah and her boyfriend Clint were always in everyone’s business. They were good casual friends but we really had nothing in common besides swim. “She’s my friend.” I felt like I was lying. I didn’t know if we were friends or not. That was up to Olivia.
“Okaaaaay,” Sarah said. “It’s just weird, all of the sudden you’re hanging out with her. You know she’s sleeping with Mr. Bradford, right?”
Anger flooded me, my face felt hot and my hands clenched into fists but I let it pass. I didn’t say anything for a second. These girls didn’t deserve to see me care. “That’s just a dumb rumor. Just because she’s on yearbook and works on it a lot does not mean she’s sleeping with him.”
I wanted to scream at Sarah. Olivia’s too good for that. She could never compromise herself like that, like I have.
“Yeah, Avery’s right. That chick is totally gay.”
My shoulders sank and I looked over at the source of those words. Sarah’s boyfriend Clint stood there, grinning like the shithead he was.
“Whatever, I’ll see you guys later.”
I pushed through their little semi-circle and started toward the elevators but I stopped, seeing Ben walk up to someone and tap them on the shoulder. It was Olivia. She was holding her suitcase and waiting for the elevator. He leaned into her, propping a hand on the wall to sort of keep her.
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