“What the fuck,” I whispered.
They kept talking and he moved in closer, moving his arm from the wall to around her shoulders and pulling her in. I couldn’t look away. Everything in me that had sense wanted to run, but shock, panic, they held me there, watching my world implode.
She reached out and put a hand on his hip, her smile was tight and I could see her mouth moving. He just leaned in a little more, thinking that they were completely alone. I couldn’t watch this anymore. It wasn’t something I was supposed to see. It wasn’t supposed to happen.
I took off, heading for the stairs. I had to get myself together. Our room was on the second floor so I took the stairs slowly, not even thinking about the fact that I didn’t have a key, only that I was safe in the stairwell. I hefted my bag over my shoulder and pushed the second floor door open, scanning the hallway for the room numbers.
I looked down, scuffing my boot against the short brown carpet. Our room was down the hall and to the left. I just wondered what I was going to do. How I would face her? She couldn’t be with him. He was a user. I should know. I wanted to protect her but I kept reminding myself that I didn’t know anything. Maybe it was just Ben being Ben.
The way he’d talked about Olivia was kind of obvious. I knew he liked her but I hadn’t known that he wanted her too. It made sense. She was smart, gorgeous, and dedicated to everything she put her mind to.
The numbers on the wall got smaller and smaller until I reached the T-junction in the hallways. The elevators were on my left and to my right was the hallway that would lead me to our room. I started down the hallway, looking at the floor. The elevator doors opened behind me but I didn’t even look.
“Avery,” she said.
I whipped around. Olivia was standing behind me with her suitcase. She had the handle extended and was pulling it along on her rollers. She looked good, like she’d just stepped out of a function at some yacht club. Her dress pants were high-waisted and wide-legged. Her blazer sleeves were tucked at the elbow and the silky tank she wore underneath rode up just enough that when she took a step I was able to see a small diamond of skin where her pants stopped and her shirt began. Somehow, she always managed to look like she stepped off a film set.
I licked my lips and tore my eyes away from that little bit of exposed skin. Clearing my throat, I attempted a smile.
“Hey,” I replied. “So, I guess this is our room.”
I pointed at the door in front of me, avoiding her eyes. The sharp green gaze bore into me and I could feel her getting closer. Instead of answering, she shoved the keycard into the door and opened it with the same hand in one swift motion.
She was kind of hot when she was pissed. I went through the doorway and walked up to the far bed, tossing my bag onto it and taking a breath before turning around.
“I hope you’re okay with us rooming together. I kind of requested you as a roommate.” I shoved my hands in my pant pockets and wilted beneath her intensity. She might just ask for a change. I’m sure Ben would accommodate her. In more ways than one. That thought pierced me like a cold blade.
Chapter Nineteen
Olivia
I don’t get it. Why would she?
“When?” I asked. How was I supposed to survive this trip without a safe place to hide?
I’d spent the last day and a half trying to brace myself for a week’s worth of Avery completely ignoring me and now she’s right here at my door telling me it’s our door and that she requested it?
“I was a dick to you,” she said. “I want us to be friends. I don’t have a lot of those and I really like you.”
Friends.
The word buzzed in my brain like a swarm of difficult wasps, ones that didn’t necessarily sting but carried the threat all the same and insisted on buzz-buzz-buzzing away no matter what.
Despite the discomfort, I did want what she said. I really did. I just didn’t trust that what she was saying was entirely true. At this point I couldn’t even tell what I was to her. Did she even like me?
The question had haunted me all Sunday up 'til now.
She’d ditched me after I helped her. She made me feel like I was nothing. She kept doing that and I didn’t know why.
I weighed the pros and cons of saying the F word out loud. She could be asking me to put a pin in it, to control myself. Or this too could be another thing that has nothing to do with me per say, and more to do with her mystery life and her struggles I know nothing about.
Either way, I knew, I could speak the truth and it wouldn’t be bad.
“I’ve always wanted to be your friend, Avery. That was never a question.”
Except maybe before, when I thought she was basic and I didn’t want anything to do with her.
I let out a deep sigh. I was so embarrassing.
“You’re not happy about this. I thought you’d be happy.” She thought I was sighing about the friend thing but I wasn’t. I was sighing at myself for being a jerk and being a user.
“No, it’s not—” I looked up at her and scratched my head with a bit of a grimace. “I just wasn’t expecting it. I do like you,” I reminded. “Like, a lot a lot,” I over emphasized. I don’t think she really understood what it would be like for me, sleeping so close every night. I probably wouldn’t sleep at all but more stare off at her and drink in her image.
The other night was sort of that way. For a while I held her but I made sure to push her away before sleep.
“Oh,” she said. Maybe realizing my problem.
“I never room with anyone when I do these things. I’m always alone,” I explained.
Truth. Truth was good. Stick to the truth. What’s the saying? The truth shall set you free?
“Oh, okay.” She shifted, looking away. “I guess I could see if someone would—”
“Avery,” I laughed awkwardly. My mind flashed back to the lake and her cold body sitting asleep in her driver’s seat all alone. “Really? It’s fine. It’s good. You just… You surprised me, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting—”
I sat down on the bed and held my face in my hands.
This was a disaster.
I wanted her way too much to be rooming with her.
“Wasn’t expecting what?” She asked. She could never just leave it alone.
“You left that day,” I reminded. It seemed, every day she left, again and again. Always leaving. She was always saying I can’t or goodbye. “I don’t even know why—” I stopped myself thinking, a large breath took itself into my lungs. I looked back at her nervously, apologetically, and then I sighed a big sigh. The bed was nice. I felt it beneath me and laid back. “I don’t even know why you were there.” It was easier to talk with my head on the pillow. Easier to pretend she wasn’t really here and I was just dreaming her alive, searching for answers in a way that wouldn’t hurt her or imply.
“Yeah, I was embarrassed.” She sighed and sat down on the other bed. “Look, I never let anyone see me like that. I don’t need people. I mean, I don’t want anyone to rely on me. I’m a mess. No one should have to deal with it except me.”
“Christ Avery,” I said, my head turning on the pillow and facing her, my eyes staring over at her. I felt like she hit me. I really did. “Is that what you think? Do you think I just deal with you?”
What a problem. What a shame.
This girl. This CRAZY beautiful girl!
“You don’t know that much about me! What my life is… I’m not trying to complain. I’m sure people have it worse. I just know I’m not any good for y- anyone. So, I don’t go there.”
My whole body stiffened. I was lying there, watching her. She seemed nervous, upset even. And I swear she almost said: you. She almost said: I just know I’m not any good for YOU.
And wasn't that just bullshit in every way?! She was so good for me. She was the only one who could get me to slow down and feel good without fucking me or hurting me, without doing bad things that other people would sneer at if they really knew.
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God, I wanted to be good for her, to be there for her. I rolled over onto my side to fully face her. I laid my head on both of my hands.
“I had a girlfriend, you know…”
“You wh-hut?” Her eyebrows shot up. “When? When we kissed?”
“Yeah,” I shrugged, realizing it. I let my eyes fall. I actually never thought of that before. Nat and I were never exclusive or official. That’s how I wanted it. We were broken always. Never quite right. “When we kissed,” I confirmed the timeline with a sigh. “Two days ago,” I sighed again. “Last week,” I thought about it, I’d let it run for so long. I was so blind to my own ugly mess. “Not anymore though,” I said. “You made me realize something about my life. Something I couldn’t see until you.”
“What? That you didn’t want to cheat on your girlfriend with me?”
“No,” I said, sitting up, a strong pain in my chest. “It wasn’t about that.” It bothered me that she could think that. I realized I sounded upset. “I don’t regret what I did. And you weren’t the reason… Not for the break.”
“Oh,” she breathed, smile tinged with sadness. “I… I don’t regret it either. It was a pretty awesome kiss.” She let out a little laugh. “But what made you break up with her?”
“When I kissed you it was like… I dunno,” I stopped myself. It was hard.. Hard to know what I could say and what I couldn’t. I felt so trapped and frustrated and this room felt like a bubble suspended away from reactions and from time. What did I feel? Everything. I felt everything. “I felt more,” I said. “With you.”
“More, like what?”
“More everything,” I said it. It was the only way. “I’d been seeing Nat on-and-off for months and I never could bring myself to do normal things like, I dunno… Take her to the Inn on the Hill.” I stared over at Avery openly. “Sit next to her at a piano…” I brushed the comforter near me for lack of something to do. I had to replay it all. To feel it. “Do anything more than let her fuck me, I guess. And that’s wrong isn’t it? I realized I’d been using her.”
“I’m sorry.” she blurted. “I didn’t mean to make you like me. I just liked being close to you and I do feel things for you. All of those things you said. I never let anyone get that close either. I’ve got someone, a guy, and it’s kind of the same thing you had with Nat, I guess. He’s not my boyfriend or anything but he wants to be or wanted to be.”
She was always so set on things being her fault. Make you like me. The phrase was laughable. No one could make me do anything, least of all care.
I thought of her and Ben. From the sound of it she really didn't like him. I mean, she was comparing him to Nat and I’d just told her how I treated her.
“What do you feel with him?” I asked. I found it hard to keep my eyes open. Perhaps it just hurt to think of her with Ben. To think of Ben being the one who gets to try and not me. It all hurt.
This was grossly therapeutic, this talk.
“I feel something less than nothing. Just a little bit more alive than I do otherwise. Sometimes it feels wrong.” She stopped for a second, closing her eyes. “Sometimes I hate myself for letting him do things to me.”
My own eyes had come open. I was watching her nervously. She wasn’t lying or dodging things. She was really answering, really letting me see.
“What does he do?” I asked. I wanted to know but I didn’t. This was already too much.
The room felt so stifling all of a sudden. It was like the air was leaving us slowly and soon it’d be gone.
“Um, he likes it… Rough.” The words hit me and hurt. “He says things to me.” She shrugged, shrinking into herself. “He likes to control me.” Son of a bitch. “I mean, I don’t hate it. If it was someone else maybe it would be okay but I can tell it’s his game. He gets off on it.”
I moved my legs off of the bed again and let my face fall into my hands. This is what he did? This was how he made her feel?
I knew I had to say something. I asked her. She would never have said any of that if I hadn’t asked.
My eyes burned so I covered them. But I knew I had to face her, had to say something that wasn’t: dammit, Avery, why?
“I’m tired of games,” I said, feeling weighed down by emotional anchors. Every bone in my body ached just a little bit more than before. I’d spent all Friday sad, all Sunday sad, how long could this go on? “I’m just. Avery, I’m so fucking tired.”
I stood up and I knew, I knew I was going to cry. I had to get out. If she saw me she’d feel responsible.
I scoffed and turned from her, opening the door and walking out.
Chapter Twenty
Avery
She left. It was simple. I’d proven my point by telling her part of my biggest secret. Not the who but the what and how that what made me feel. It hurt that I’d turned her off with just those words. If I had told her who the guy was she would have probably left even faster.
I wanted to go after her, yell her name down the hall. Run to her and beg her to not think badly of me. The look on her face, utter sickness, that was what I inspired. She would surely never kiss me again or want to be near me.
I stood up, and started for the door. She would be gone by now and I would take the stairs again just in case. I trotted down the hallway to the stairwell and busted through the door, keeping up the pace as I ran down the stairs. I needed to get lost.
When I got to the lobby I slowed down. Ben was standing with some of the girls and he started toward me, right on my heels. I walked faster and made it to the front before him, pushing past the couple who were coming in with their luggage.
“Hey,” the man I’d bumped called.
I kept going. Soon I heard footsteps behind me.
“Avery!” Ben was running to catch up.
I stopped. He would just chase me. I might eventually outrun him but he was no slouch when it came to running.
“What could you possibly want?”
I stopped, hand on my hip, head cocked to the side. He stopped in front of me and reached out, grabbing my arm. I could feel his fingers dig in through my hoodie.
“Let go of me,” I gritted out.
He looked around, making sure we were alone. “Avery, you’re starting to piss me off. First you avoid me, miss our date, and don’t return my calls, and now you’re trying to take off on me?”
“I’m just going for a run,” I spit back.
“Come inside and maybe we can both get some exercise.” His attempt at seduction was a little flat, and badly timed, even for him. His voice cut me with all the cold menace it reflected from inside him.
“Fuck you,” I yelled. I didn’t feel guilty about standing him up. After I saw him all over Olivia I wanted to punch him, hard. I didn’t though. I just wrenched my arm away from him and ran for the fence line.
My legs pumped in a flat-out sprint but I needed to slow my pace if I was going to last. I just wanted to get away from him. His charm no longer had any hold over me. He was detestable. I had thrown away any chance of happiness with the only person I’d ever actually wanted by being the kind of girl who slept with people like Ben.
I ran until I got to the edge of the property. Then turned back, anger spent, leaving only sadness and dread. If I got back to the room and Olivia’s things weren’t there I had no idea what I would do. I ducked under a low hanging limb and refused to think anymore until the lodge came back into view.
The spot where I’d left Ben was empty. I’d been gone thirty minutes at least. The lodge grounds were huge. The only reason I’d come back was because I was afraid of getting lost if it got dark. Not that I wasn’t already lost in the daylight.
I slowed in front of the steps, resting my hands on top of my head, catching my breath. People milled around. Arriving for their vacations and leaving for home. My head shifted up toward the sky and I took in the chalet style building. Dark brown stained wood made up the facade and big picture windows looked out over the lake and mountains. It was gorgeous. Peop
le from all over were here to enjoy the beauty, but I just walked past them, into the lobby and up to the stairs. I’d had enough of the sights.
We were all supposed to meet for dinner in the restaurant attached to the lodge. So, I was going to have to take a shower and see what the situation was. If Olivia was coming back to the room, doubtful, I would have to try and make sure she knew I was okay. Even if she thought I was a horrible person. I would accept her judgement. Hers was the only opinion I cared about.
When I got to the second floor, I jogged down the hall, still on a little physical high from the exertion. I had neglected my workouts lately and my body was pissed at the regression. Our room door was closed and I remembered the key card that Olivia had used and then thrown down on the bed.
“Damn,” I muttered. I would have to go all the way back down to the lobby and get another one made and then come back up. What if she was inside and I just walked in? I didn’t want to take the chance that I would surprise her and make things even worse. So, I knocked on the door just on the off chance that she had come back.
My eyes went wide when she opened it and stood there, looking at me like I’d just interrupted the most important thing she’d ever done. “Sorry, I just didn’t have a key and I didn’t think you’d be here but I wanted to check just in case.” I sighed, deflating. “I guess we need to figure out other sleeping arrangements.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Olivia
I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care.
I’d come back to the room. I’d come back because I knew! I knew I fucked up.
I stood out on the balcony staring off looking for her.
I watched her run, feeling the weight of everything she said, I mean everything.
She’d talked about me. She'd talked about Ben.
She’d said so many things I never expected in a million years she would think.
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