The Parent Agency

by David Baddiel

  “Lovely,” said Barry.

  “What have you done to our mum and dad?” hissed Secretary One to Barry.

  “Oh,” said Barry quietly. “Not much…”

  “How much is not much?” said Secretary Two, also hissing.

  “Just asked the Head to have a little word with your parents before we got here, explaining how I’d like it all to work… if they wanted me to choose them in the end…”

  The Secretary Entity looked at each other, open-mouthed. Then Secretary One turned to Barry and said: “I can’t believe our beloved mother and father are actually going to go along with such a disg—”

  “Barry!!” called Marjorie from the kitchen bit of the room. “What would you like for lunch?”

  “Hmm,” said Barry. “Pizza?”

  “Oh well, you’ve made a mistake there,” said Secretary One smugly. “We only ever eat gluten-free, free-range, nut-free, free-from-E-numbers, salt-and-sugar-free food.”

  “Yes, our food is very, very free,” said Secretary Two. “Except, of course, it costs a lot of money.”

  “But we never, ever, ever eat junk food.”

  “Yes, our parents would simply never allow it.”

  “So…” said Marjorie, coming out from the kitchen holding a takeaway menu from somewhere called Pizza Shed, “what would you like: Ten Cheese? Crispy Hottie? Latino? Old ’n’ New? Salty Bananas? Fifty Fish? German? Meat Meat Meat? String? Nobody Likes This One? Eggy Norman?”

  “What’s Eggy Norman?”

  “Er… mozzarella, bacon, tuna, pickled cucumbers, tomatoes, pineapple and then, in the middle, a hard-boiled egg carved into the shape of a small man called Norman.”

  “I’ll have a Ten Cheese,” said Barry after a moment’s thought.

  “I’ll call them straight away,” said Marjorie, picking up the phone.

  “Mum!” said Secretary One.

  “What?” said Marjorie. “I love… pizza.”

  “What do you love about it?” said Secretary Two.

  Marjorie looked a little uncomfortable. “The… cheese. And the grease… And the salt. And the big fatty… bread.” She stared at the menu for quite a long time. “Yum,” she said eventually. Very quietly.

  “But…” said Secretary One, “what are we going to have?”

  “Pizza, of course,” said Barry.

  Marjorie looked at him. He held her gaze. She seemed to sigh, then looked at The Secretary Entity. “If it’s good enough for Barry, it’s good enough for you.”

  “You don’t have to order them anything,” said Barry. “They can have my bits of crust. I don’t eat those.”

  “Perfect,” said Marjorie, dialling the number for Pizza Shed.

  The Secretary Entity looked on, amazed.

  Malcolm appeared, coming down the stairs.

  “Do you have any video games?” said Barry.

  Malcolm frowned and went back up.

  “No!” screamed Secretary One. “Of course we don’t!”

  “We only watch educational and improving television!” screamed Secretary Two.

  “So don’t expect any of that rubbish here, I’m afr—”

  “Yes, Barry, I think I got everything you wanted…” They turned round to see Malcolm coming downstairs again, his arms overflowing with small boxes. “I’ve already set up the TV with a Flii and a Ybox, and you can play any of these: Spanky’s Quest; Ninja Zebra; Space Pitch ’n’ Putt; Find the Fat Tongue; Zombie Crash 3; Death in the Car: the Game; Monkey Sticks; Boxers vs. Spear-throwers; Psyborg 2014; Seven Second Soccer Sevens; Marble Man; Stinky Pirate Revenge…”

  “I think Stinky Pirate Revenge only works on the Flii…” said Barry, looking at the cover.

  “Right, OK. I’ll bear that in mind,” said Malcolm. “So! TV on…”

  “Dad! We want to watch Masterbrain!”

  “Yes! And University Big Clevers! And Come Read With Me!”

  Malcolm glanced at Barry and also, like Marjorie had before, seemed to sigh. “Yes. Well. You can watch them another day.” He went over to the TV and switched the game console on. “For now, Barry – fill your boots!”

  Barry looked at his shoes. Then he remembered what that expression meant.

  “Thanks!” he said, sitting down with the Flii control. On the TV, a cartoon pirate appeared, covered in what appeared to be bits of old food. “Oo-er, me hearties! I am SmellyBeard, terror of the seven seas!” he said. “Think ye I whiff? Well then…” He drew his curved sword. “I SHALL HAVE ME REVENGE!!”

  “Thanks… Dad…?” suggested Malcolm tentatively.

  “Maybe,” said Barry, pressing the buttons on the control expertly.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Barry had a great afternoon. He played Stinky Pirate Revenge right up to the end. He only stopped playing to have lunch, which was also great: the Ten Cheese pizza was fantastic. He also really liked the Eggy Norman, which Malcolm ordered, and then let Barry eat Norman himself, who had an egg hat and a yolk tie.

  The Secretary Entity, however, did not have such a great afternoon. They stared in disbelief as Barry actually did pop his pizza crusts on to their empty plates. They stared in even more disbelief as both their parents sat on the sofa watching while Barry and his Flii control made SmellyBeard walk the plank off his pirate ship, and when SmellyBeard fell in the water – which turned out to be an enormous toilet sailing beside his ship – Malcolm and Marjorie clapped! And Marjorie said: “Oh, Barry! You’re such a clever boy!”

  But they saved their most disbelieving stares for when Malcolm and Marjorie came to them, later in the afternoon, with the plans for Barry’s birthday party.

  “We love you, Barry, we do… We love you, Barry, we do… We love you, Barry, dear Baaarry…”

  Malcolm and Marjorie held the note the longest; The Secretary Entity held it quite a lot shorter, but then it was hard to sing anything through gritted teeth.

  “We love you, Barry – we do!”

  Malcolm and Marjorie clapped and cheered. Meanwhile, The Secretary Entity presented Barry with his cake. As directed by Barry on his plans, this involved both of them kneeling on one knee, on either side of the cake, and then handing it up to him.

  The cake was a chocolate one. On top of it, also in accordance with the plans, it said, in strawberry icing: TO BARRY – THE BEST. Barry had thought about having them add CHILD IN THIS HOUSE but eventually decided that just THE BEST was cooler. And, judging by the expressions on their faces as they handed over the cake, it was still having the same effect on The Secretary Entity. Which was the point.

  “Oh, I’m so glad I decided to go for a party at home this time. It’s been a very tiring week,” said Barry, leaning over, ready to blow out the ten candles. He took a deep breath and brought his lips close to the cake.

  The Secretary Entity glanced at each other. Then, suddenly, they put their faces close to the cake too and, using their combined breath, blew out every single one of the candles before Barry had a chance to.

  Barry looked up at Malcolm and Marjorie with a hurt expression on his face.

  “Girls! How dare you!” said Marjorie.

  “Yes!” said Malcolm. “That’s a terrible thing to do to Barry!!”

  “But that’s what you told us to do!” said Secretary One.

  “Yes,” said Secretary Two, “you said we had to do it, because he’s the one who normally gets punished and so he wanted to see someone else get it in the neck for a—”

  “Shhhhh!!!” said Malcolm with an anxious glance over at Barry. “You’re spoiling it.”

  “Yes,” said Marjorie. “Could you stick to your lines, please?”

  The Secretary Entity looked very tired.

  “OK, whatever,” said Secretary One. “Ha ha ha, we hate you, Barry, that’s why we blew out your candles…” she continued in a bored voice.

  “Yes, we just want to ruin your party because we’re very, very selfish and annoying,” said Secretary Two in an equally bored voice.

  “Rig
ht!” said Malcolm. “Exactly! So! Go to your room!”

  “Yes, to your room! With no cake!” said Marjorie.

  “Hold on a minute,” said Barry, raising his arm.

  “Yes, what is it, darling?” said Marjorie.

  Barry stood up. He looked at The Secretary Entity. “I think they should be allowed a slice of cake each before they go…”

  “Well, that’s very, very generous of you, Barry, isn’t it, girls?” said Malcolm.

  “Seriously?” said Secretary One. Marjorie just gave her a look. “OK, yes, it’s very generous…” she said in a let’s-just-get-this-over-with way.

  “Yes, very generous,” said Secretary Two in exactly the same way.

  “Here you are,” said Barry, who had sliced two sections of cake. He handed a plate to each of them.

  “Say thank you to Barry,” said Marjorie.

  “Thank you, Barry,” said The Secretary Entity in their bored voice.

  “Don’t mention it,” said Barry, handing over two forks.

  “Is it a vegan cake, Mummy?” said Secretary One.

  “Yes, sugar, nut and indeed chocolate free?” said Secretary Two.

  “Er…” said Marjorie Bustle, looking at the cake awkwardly, “…no.”

  “Barry… he doesn’t like those ones,” said Malcolm, even more awkwardly.

  The Secretary Entity stared at the cake like they would normally turn their noses up at it. But, then again, they had only had some pizza crusts for lunch; so after a second they dived in and started eating.

  Suddenly, both of their faces contorted.

  “Urrrrgghhhh!!” said one.

  “Fwurrggggghhh!!” said the other.

  “What’s the matter?” said Malcolm.

  It was hard for either of them to speak as their mouths were full of cake. But Secretary One managed to say, through what looked like a mouthful of mud: “It’s got SALT IN IT!!”

  “Not in it,” said Barry. “On it…” He held up a salt cellar. And smiled.

  “And… ugggrrggh!! Pepper!”

  Barry held up the pepper grinder. “Yes. Sorry.”

  Malcolm and Marjorie glanced at each other.

  “Fwurrgggghhh!!” said Secretary Two, spitting crumbs of cake out on to the floor.

  Malcolm and Marjorie continued to look at each other. Then Marjorie leant over to Malcolm and whispered, very quietly: “I don’t know how much more of this I can stand…”

  “I know,” whispered Malcolm back. “But… what else can we do?”

  “Give up on the idea of a third child?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  She thought for a second then shook her head.

  “OK,” said Malcolm, still whispering. “So, for the moment… just go with it, Marjorie!”

  She nodded. They turned, together.

  “Ha ha ha!!” said Malcolm. “What a funny joke, Barry!”

  “Yes!” said Marjorie. “That’s one of the funniest practical jokes I’ve ever seen! You’re so funny and clever!”

  Barry was about to smile and say “Thank you” when The Secretary Entity started making some very strange noises. Not just “Fwurrgggghhh!!” but also “Crrgggghh!!” and “Kkkkkracchhh!!”.

  Then Secretary One fell to the floor, clutching her throat.

  Followed almost immediately by Secretary Two, doing the same.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Um… are they OK?” said Marjorie.

  “Yes, yes, fine. Aren’t you, girls?” said Malcolm.

  “Urggghblarrp!!” said Secretary One.

  “Dszssefffccch!” said Secretary Two.

  “There you are,” said Malcolm.

  Now for Barry, up to this point, all of this had, in a way, been fun. Even though The Secretary Entity weren’t exactly The Sisterly Entity, they were enough like them – in terms of looking and acting just the same – for Barry to really enjoy getting his own back for once. And it had felt nice, knowing that the grown-ups were always going to take his side, however badly he behaved.

  At the same time, it had also felt a little bit… nasty. And, as the day had gone on, he had found that the thrill of being the favourite – and being able to do things that he knew would get under The Secretary Entity’s skin – had got less and less, and the feeling of nastiness had grown. It was almost as if he had to get nastier and nastier to feel the same thrill again.

  Watching both sisters writhe on the floor – Secretary One had gone blue and Secretary Two purple – should have felt great, because that’s why he’d chosen this type of parent and drawn up a big plan for how they had to be: so that he could feel what it would be like to take revenge on his little sisters. And what was better than this? Barry had, after all, in his darkest moments wished one or both of his sisters were dead.

  But it didn’t feel great. It felt awful.

  And seeing Malcolm and Marjorie stand by while it was happening because they didn’t want to upset Barry – because they thought that’s what he wanted them to do – felt even worse.

  So Barry stepped forward and said: “Time for the Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre!!”

  “Pardon?” said Malcolm.

  “Um… even though you are our favourite, Barry,” said Marjorie, “I don’t think now is the best time for more food…”

  “No!” said Barry. “The Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre!!”

  Remembering exactly what Derek Fwahm! had done to him, he bent down quickly to Secretary One. He grabbed her by the heels in order to pick her up and turn her upside down. But he only succeeded in dragging her legs halfway up his own body. Then he tried to do the same to Secretary Two, but her legs kept falling back down again.

  Eventually, he managed to get both of them on either side of him with their legs sort of up against his sides. He raised his arms in order to slap them hard on the back in the correct Grübenschnitzel manner. But all he could manage from this position was a light tap on each of their bottoms, which was both useless and not a little embarrassing.

  By now, The Secretary Entity had started making noises that couldn’t even be written down. Barry looked over to Malcolm and Marjorie to help. But they seemed rooted to the spot with terror. Barry turned back towards the floor. He felt a huge swell of emotion building up in him. The thought of The Secretary Entity choking, or being properly hurt in any way, seemed suddenly like the worst thing possible.

  Barry realised there was something he needed to say. It was really just two words. But he hadn’t said them for a very long time. He didn’t even know if they were the right words in this strange, like-his-but-not-exactly-like-his-world world. But there was nothing else left to do.

  “GINNY!!” he said. “KAY!! Breathe!! Please!! Breathe!!”

  Even from their half-upside-down position – even while choking, even about to fall into unconsciousness – both little girls looked very surprised at this. So surprised, in fact, that both of them stuck their heads up and looked at Barry and, in doing so, coughed violently, ejecting – like little spongy cannonballs from their throats – the pesky bits of salty, peppery cake that had been lodged there.

  Both of these bits of cake (quite sloppy and messy by now) curved up in the air and hit Barry – splodge! – simultaneously on each cheek.

  Immediately, Malcolm and Marjorie rushed to hug Kay and Ginny. As Barry watched the two girls being folded in their parents’ arms, he realised something: most parents didn’t have favourites among their children. They loved all their children, in different ways, at different times. And it didn’t matter if sometimes that wasn’t you, because soon it would be. And also that it was OK – no, it was nice, it was good – to see your sisters loved.

  As it happened, after he’d had this deep and meaningful realisation about how it didn’t matter about being a family favourite, he became this family’s favourite. Marjorie looked round from hugging the girls and said: “Oh, Barry! Thank you, Barry!”

  “Yes! Thank you, Barry!” said Malcolm.

  “Actually,
yes, thank you very much, Barry…” said Secretary One.

  “Me too with the thanks, Barry!” said Secretary Two.

  And then they all came over and hugged him. Which was lovely. Although Barry did feel, in the middle of it, suddenly very, very tired.

  “But how did you know our names?” Secretary One was saying. “We’ve never told you them…”

  Barry just smiled wearily and said: “I’m going back to the Parent Agency.”

  FRIDAY NIGHT

  CHAPTER ONE

  “So, Barry,” said the Head. “You’ve had your five days with five parents but now it’s decision time. Which of the five sets of parents would you like to choose?”

  “Um… when you say choose… you mean go and live with forever…?” said Barry.

  “Yes!” said the Head. “Until you grow up, of course. And then you’ll have to come and see us to apply for children. It won’t be me in this chair by then, I shouldn’t think… Ha ha!”

  The Head looked to The Secretary Entity to laugh at his joke. But they just looked pained.

  “Are you all right, Secretary One?”

  “I’m fine, thank you, Head,” said Secretary One.

  “You sound a little throaty.”

  “I’m also fine, thank you, Head,” said Secretary Two.

  “So do you actually.”

  Barry looked out of the window. It was late on Friday night – they had kept the Agency open for him specially – and the lights of the city were glittering outside.

  “I don’t know,” said Barry. He looked down at his list, which was lying on his lap. It was so crumpled now that even he couldn’t really read it, although he was the one who had written it.

  “Hmm,” said the Head. “I’m afraid you really have to make your mind up now.” He looked over at the last 24-Hourglass, the red one. It had about a hundred grains of sand left. One went through. Then another. “It’s nearly midnight. And past midnight, you’ll be ten. And then…”

  He trailed off. As usual.

  Suddenly, Barry felt very angry with him. “What?” he said, loudly and sharply.