Lilies

by Addyson Thompson

  “I have no idea. I guess she became a teacher as she always dreamed.”I responded never once tearing my gaze free.

  “Look Gav, I know you’ve searched for her for years but you’re gonna have to man up and get focused. We have a daylong conference to get through before you can check out. You gonna be able to be up at the podium knowing she’s out there? She’s obviously here for the conference.”When I didn’t answer him he continued,“Dude, don’t forget why we are actually here.”

  “Of course I remember why we’re here!”I snapped with annoyance.

  “Good. Fall apart tonight like the girl we both know you really are.”

  I slapped Jeff in the back of the head and laughed.“Fuck off. You’re the one whose wife has him so whipped you have to ask permission to scratch your balls.”

  “Don’t be jealous my balls see more action in a month than yours have in the last 15 years.”Jeff said punching me in the arm.

  “Dude, that’s my baby sister you’re talking about and I’ll gladly rip those balls off if you continue.”Yep, if you didn’t catch that, Jeff is also my brother-in-law. My little sister is five years younger than us. They started dating when she came to visit me in school when she was 21 and they’ve been married for four years. They are actually a great couple. The kind you razz the hell out of but are secretly jealous of.

  As we are introduced by the president of the college, I try to scan the audience for Hayden. Yep, BINGO she’s in the back, middle. The moment I’m introduced and given the microphone for my opening remarks our eyes lock. Now for the second time today I see the face of the most beautiful woman in the world twist in pain and a little green all at once. Not really the reaction any guy is hoping for. Now I have to make it through this conference and not forget what the hell I’m doing. Today, I think that will be easier said than done.

  CHAPTER 4

  Hayden

  Isee him standing on the stage and our eyes lock as soon as he’s introduced. Great. Just freakin’great. How in the hell did I piss karma off so badly? So running into him this morning and him kissing me wasn’t bad enough, now I have to actually stare at him all day? I have to listen to that voice and see those eyes that haunt my every dream. No not dream, nightmare,my every nightmare. Yes, just keep reminding yourself, he’s in your dreams, ah, nightmares, nightmares, dammit. Could this day get any worse?

  Ok, so serious word to the wise, never under any circumstances ask the question,“Could this day get any worse?”Especially, if you think you’ve pissed off karma, because the answer will always be, YES! In true fashion, the answer was yes.

  I thought it best for me to bolt as soon as the conference adjourned for lunch. I figured I could jump right up and head straight out. Nope, not this time. I planned on going and hiding in my office and eat whatever happened to be in there. The craptastic part of the plan was I was going to miss the lunch provided by the university. They go all out for conferences like this. It truly is my favorite part of any conference. Sound ridiculous? Trust me it’s that good.

  As I tried to sneak out, I had three other professors stop and talk to me. Trying not to be rude I spoke to each briefly exchanging the normal pleasantries and excused myself. Reaching the door and looking both directions, I don’t see anyone I knew would stop me to talk so I slip out and head down the back hall. Ah,freedom. Can you feel it? It feels just like it did when you were a kid and snuck a cookie from the cookie jar and slipped into your room without your parents finding out. Just as I’m nearing the door to step outside I hear,“Professor Sanders, Hayden, where you off to?”SHIT! I almost made it.

  I turn and say brightly,“Dr. Asher, I thought I would run back to my office and work a bit during the lunch break.”

  “Nonsense.”With a warm smile and a wink he said,“Come on, Hayden, you know lunch is the best part of these conferences.”See? It’s not just me everyone thinks the meals provided during these things are incredible.“You can sit with me. Besides, there are a couple of people I’d like you to meet.”Oh. Please. No.I’d complete forgotten about him wanting to introduce me to a couple doctors. Shit, am I really this unlucky?

  We find our table which is almost filled but four seats remain empty. Subtlety, I try to work my way over to sit between Dr. Asher and Dr. Dillis, head of the Math Department, but Dr. Asher, completely the gentleman he is pulls out the chair for me.Nope, and it’s not the one I was aiming for. It is, in fact the one between him and the two remaining empty chairs. As he pulls out my chair he says,“Oh, honey you are much too young to get stuck between two old fools such as Dr. Dillis and myself. You should sit next to people your age so you’re not bored by us through lunch.”That’s when I knew, Dr. Asher, this sweet, funny, and lovable, grandfather type was setting me up. DAMNIT! Maybe I can fake sick, hmm? Just as I’m coming up with a viable excuse I hear Dr. Asher stand and say,“Dr. Hudson, Dr. Baker glad you could join us.”He extends his hand to both Gavin and Jeff in turn. Everyone stands at the table and shakes their hands as Dr. Asher makes introductions. Lastly, Dr. Asher puts his hand on my shoulder and says,“I’d like you to meet Professor Sanders. Hayden is one of our brightest and most dedicated professors in the History department.”I mistakenly looked up into those eyes. Damn, why do they make me forget my damn name?

  “Hayden, this is Dr. Baker.”

  I smile warmly at him and say,“Hi Jeff. It’s been awhile. How’ve you been?”

  “Oh, you know each other? How wonderful. Then you must already know Dr. Hudson.”

  Muttering,“Unfortunately”under my breath I look up and reluctantly extend my hand hoping the hostility in my voice isn’t evident to anyone but Gavin.“Yes. Hello, Dr. Hudson.”Just as our hands touch and eyes lock I start to not feel well. Really, not like a fake‘I don’t feel well’excuse I was just trying to work up but the room started to spin, the roar of the room sounds quite far away and my vision blurs then darkens. Next thing I know I’m being lowered into my chair with Jeff and Gavin standing over me. They are checking my pulse and calling my name and are asking me questions. None of which I can actually understand. Gavin’s eyes are the only thing I really see. They are filled with something I can’t quite place. Is that…Is that fear? No it can’t be.

  As the roar of the room returns I regain my bearings and blush from the embarrassment of it all. Great I just started to freakin pass out from one touch. Did I really just swoon? Don’t you have to actually like the person to swoon? Really, Hayden, how old are you? You aren’t some little high school girl with a crush. Seriously, you are a 32 year old History Professor. Act like it. I chide myself in my head. Then bat Gavin’s hand away as he continued to check over me.

  “Is this normal for you?”he asked.

  “No”I answered curtly.

  “Are you on any medications?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Are you on any medications?”He repeated his question calmly.

  “No”I answered curtly.

  “Have you been ill lately?”

  “No. I’m fine let me be.”Shit, this fuss their making is starting to embarrass and annoy me.

  “Are you pregnant?”

  What the hell kind of question is that? Is he fishing? Quite angrily I stare him in the eye and answer,“That’s none of your business.”

  “Hayden, Deni, I need to know if you could be pregnant?”His voice is lethally low

  Oh if looks could kill Dr. Gavin Hudson would be dead right now and my life would be simple again. I rein in my temper as much as I possibly can trying to remember my professionalism. With just as lethally low voice, through gritted teeth I say,“Don’t you dare call me that! You lost that right 15 years ago.”

  “You are right. I am sorry. Professor Sanders is it possible you are pregnant?”He questioned, sorrow filling his voice.

  “No, ok, are you happy now?”I answer more exasperated than anything. Damn, this is starting to get quite embarrassing. For the first time in my life I wished I had a husband a
nd kids to throw in his face, but no, I don’t date. Shit!

  “What did you eat today? Maybe the food was out too long this morning?”Dr. Asher asks with great concern. I told you he’s that awesome grandfather type everyone loves.

  “Nothing. Just the coffee I grabbed right before the conference started.”I replied.

  “You haven’t eaten today?”Gavin huffed.

  “No, somebody ran into me in the hall on the way here, spilling my coffee so I had to go clean up. I was going to grab something when I got here but it was too late and about to start.”Glaring, I huffed with annoyance right back. Just over Gavin shoulder I could see Jeff smirking. So for good measure I glared at him too. I had to fight a smile seeing Jeff raise his hands in surrender. Makes me think back to the fun old days when I could level a look at my boys and keep them in line. Let’s face it. Jeff and Gavin were mine. Back then we would’ve done anything for each other. I wonder if Gavin knows Jeff and I use to keep in contact once in a while?

  Things begin to settle and Dr. Asher hands me the small cup of juice he went to get upon hearing I hadn’t had breakfast. If he heard much of the exchange between Gavin and me he didn’t let on. His soul concern was making sure I was ok. He’s always been my mentor and my most favorite person on this campus next to Brooklyn.

  As we sat to enjoy our lunch I notice out of the corner of my eye Gavin was eyeing me cautiously. I tried to carry on conversations with the rest of the table pretending Gavin and I didn’t have a history and that history wasn’t running through my mind on a continuous loop. More importantly, pretending his close proximity, and the casual brushes of his arm, hand and leg were not killing me inside. Why do I want to grab his beautiful, strong face and kiss him? He still has the cute dimples and square jaw I always wanted to run my tongue along. I even use to picture doing just that as he moved over top of me, making love to me. His light brownhair, which he now wears in that just out of bed messy style that is so hot on guys, has darkened slightly from what I remember as a young girl but those eyes haven’t changed. His eyes always gain him so much attention. They are quite a unique bluish-gray and as clear as the ocean. Why am I picturing him with his chest bare and wearing only a pair of basketball shorts. He looks thicker and so much stronger than his slender teenage boy body. He’s really grown into his body nicely. I wonder if his chest and arms are as defined as they look through his dress shirt. Damn, he looks good in his matching black dress shirt and slacks. I don’t ever remember seeing him in a tie but fuck if it isn’t making my panties damp. I wonder if the“V”at his hips is the same or more defined. What would it be like to run my fingers over that“V.”Shit! I have to stop this. He shattered my heart. I cannot have these thoughts about him. It’s been over 15 years. I really should be over this and able to control myself. Come on Sanders, get yourself together. Push those thoughts away. These are not appropriate thoughts for someone you despise. Ugh, why is this so hard? Pulling me from my thoughts, quietly so only he and I could hear, Gavin whispers,“Hayden, I really need to talk to you after this is over.”

  “I have plans.”I responded equally quietly with the best deadpan expression I’ve ever pulled off.

  “Please Hayden, it’s been 15 years. I miss you and there are things that need to be said.”

  “Miss me? Huh, now that’s funny. Things that need to be said? Hmm, I seem to remember trying to get you to talk to me 15 years ago. No, I think you said enough that day. You made your feelings known quite well. The answer is no, I have plans.”My tone is tight as I fight to control my anger and hurt. I refuse to look at him. If I look at him I might give in and I can’t.

  “Please Hayden, we need to talk. I need to explain.”

  The pleading in his voice is almost my undoing but I kept myself under control.“The time to talk was 15 years ago. You made your choice. Live with it.”I snap.

  “I can’t live with it.”He sighs.“These last 15 years have been hell. We were young and I made some really bad choices. It was a mistake. Please just meet me and talk to me. I can’t live with it and I can’t live without you.”He sounds so hurt like his heart really is breaking.

  My eyes widen on that confession. I feel like someone has stabbed a knife into my gut and is twisting it with each pleading word. I looked around the table to see if anyone else heard him. When I looked into those eyes I about fell apart. My voice shaky,“No, I…I can’t. It’s been too long. Too much happened. I just…I…I…I just can’t. Excuse me.”I got up and walked straight to the restroom, straight to a stall, closed the door and silently cried. As much as I may have wanted this at one point, I could never let myself go back there. I’ve not let myself get involved with another man on a deeper level to avoid that heart break again and I sure as hell am not going to let it happen with Gavin Hudson, again.

  I stayed in that stall until I was sure the second part of the conference had started. I snuck back into the back and avoided any eye contact with him the rest of the day. I just couldn’t do it. It hurt too damn much. I could actually feel the stabbing feeling in my heart. My stomach was in knots. As soon as it was over, I walked out without a word to anyone and headed straight home. I sent Dr. Asher an email knowing it would go straight to his phone and he would get it while still at the conference. I didn’t want to upset him by taking off without speaking to him first. I thanked him for the lovely conference. Told him I was looking forward to discussing some programs we could implement with the students and apologized for my immediate departure. I told him I was ok but still not feeling well from earlier and I’d stop by his office on Monday. Even the cloudy sky and the threatening approaching storm didn’t bother me as I drove back to my loft.

  After the day I had all I wanted to do was go home get lost in a run and forget the day ever happened. My mom always told me the best way to deal with a mad or frustrating day was to let it go in a run.“Honey, running is good for the soul. Its nature’s soul cleanser.”Too bad it won’t be enough this time.

  Here I am now, reduced to running on the treadmill by the wall of glass in my top floor loft apartment due to being in the midst of one of the worst spring thunderstorms I’ve seen in years, I put in my ear buds turned my latest New Kids on the Block album to repeat and cranked the music. Brooklyn came into my view 45 minutes into my run scaring the living hell out of me.“HOLY SHIT! You scared me to death.”I scream as I clutch my heart, hit the emergency stop on the treadmill and tried to steady my breathing. I’m not sure what I was breathing harder from the run or the fright she just gave me.

  “Well, if you didn’t blare your damn music so loud you would’ve heard me knock three times before I finally used my key.”Brooklyn stuck the wine in the fridge.“The Chinese will be here in 30 minutes. Have you taken Bella and Trix out?”

  Usually whoever gets home first runs both dogs outside.“Yeah, I did. I was really hoping to take them for a run along the river before the storm hit but I was lucky to get them out to do their business and back in. The rain started while we were still outside.”

  “Oh, good. I wasn’t looking forward to trying to convince those two spoiled pups to go out in this.”She said gesturing to the raging storm out the window.“I’m going to run to my loft to shower and change since your shower will clearly be in use. I don’t want to smell your stank while I’m eating and trying to enjoy my wine”Brooklyn said laughing, ducking the sweaty towel thrown at her.

  “Just for that I may not shower.”

  Brooklyn raised an eyebrow at me,“If you want me to help get you drunk and figure this situation out you sure as hell will.”Still laughing Brooklyn strolled out of my loft apartment, leaving Bella and Trix sprawled across their luxury memory foam doggie beds and across the hall to hers.

  Yes, our two very spoiled pups have their own luxury beds in each of our lofts. Why shouldn’t they be comfortable since their time is really split between our places? Heck half the time our doors are left open and they wander in and out of each as they choose. Before you start thinking
about how unsafe it is for two single girls living alone to leave their doors open, I’ll remind you one of the perks to this place is you have to have a special access code to get onto our floor. No one other than my parents and her grandparents have the code. Period. We’ve never even given it to boyfriends. Well let’s clarify. She’snever given them to boyfriends. I don’t date. I dated a guy my freshman year of college briefly but it didn’t go anywhere. It was pretty much a joke and we didn’t live here at the time. My boyfriends these days typically are the battery requiring kind. Why would you set yourself up for a failed relationship when they normally end badly? Yes, I know my dad and mom and grandparents are sickeningly happy but that was the old days. Things just aren’t the same anymore. I guess my sister is pretty happy with her sweetheart of a boyfriend but those things are quite rare. I’m just not into dating. My battery operated boyfriends are just fine, thank you.

  I am freshly showered and wearing my comfy lounge clothes. I sink into my overstuffed sofa with Adele streaming through the speakers from my iPod, my best friend and Chinese, what could be better? Being in Gavin’s arms again. Shit. Sanders get yourself together I silently chastised myself.

  Brooklyn waved a hand in front of my face.“Hey, you zoned out. I asked when you’re going to start spilling it?”

  I looked at her feeling so lost,“B, I don’t even know where to start.”

  “So, start slow. Just start by telling me how you know him.”

  “Well, that one’s easy. Gavin’s dad and my dad are really close friends from high school. Our parents still are, actually.”