The event was in Harmon so Justin and I met the rest of the group there. The space was decorated beautifully. It held seventy-five tables, all draped in white tablecloths. An arrangement of roses and carnations sat in the center, surrounded by candles. There was a jazz band playing on a stage in front of a decent sized dance floor. The wait staff wore all white and swiftly moved about the room delivering champagne and hors d’oeuvres to guests.
Justin and I found our table and Pam’s eyes were as big as saucers when she saw us. “Honey, I love the hair.” She nodded, seemingly convincing herself of the declaration. She gushed over Justin, of course, asking why he didn’t dress up more often as he rolled his eyes and moaned for her to stop it.
We sat down and chatted a while with the others at our table, then I excused myself to go to the ladies room, which was on the other side of the building at the end of a short hallway.
I washed my hands, fluffed my hair, and took a quick glimpse at myself in the full-length mirror before exiting. A man stood close to the end, looking at the cell phone in his hand.
As I came nearer, he glanced up at me. I knew him. “John,” I sighed, genuinely happy to see him.
“Annie?” he sounded unsure.
“Yes, how have you been?” I asked.
“Fine. I almost didn’t recognize you with the blond hair.” He hugged me, squeezing tight. “I like it.”
“Yeah, my hair dresser thought it was time that I go out and have some fun—you know what they say about blonds?” I mumbled, rolling my eyes.
“Well, you look great. How are you feeling?” he asked. I thought it was an appropriate question.
“I’m okay. My parents gave me something to keep me functioning. As for the rest of it, I hear it will get easier with time.”
“You know, Annie, I feel terrible about the way everything ended up. I wish—” “Please don’t.” I interrupted. “It’s not your fault.”
“I tried to get Ryan to speak to you before the wedding. He can be hard headed…”
Hearing that Ryan could have talked to me and didn’t my heart drop. I gave a tight smile, then asked about Jacob.
“He’s growing so fast,” John beamed. “He’s crawling everywhere and Ryan has him surrounded by everything to do with baseball.”
I knew it was supposed to, but it didn’t feel like being without Ryan would ever get any easier. It was too hard to think of him having a wife that wasn’t me, and a child that wasn’t ours. And that I would also have to make a life of my own that didn’t include him.
The hallway door swung open before I could reply. As a group of women shuffled toward us, John and I moved aside to let them pass. John caught the attention of a young, dark haired girl I would have recognized anywhere.
“Valerie thinks you’re hiding from her,” she said, then glanced at me and smiled. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I mimicked.
“Katie Mullins.” She held out her hand. My heart beat so hard that I thought it would explode. I had agonized over her for months and she had no idea who I was. Seeing her up close—in person was gut wrenching. She was living the life I was supposed to have had.
“Annie Reynolds,” I said and shook her hand. Katie’s smile went slack; her pale skin began to redden, from either anger or embarrassment that she’d unknowingly introduced herself to me. I turned to John. “It was good to see you.” I walked down the hall and shoved past the door, into a crowd of people, pinching myself to keep from crying.
If meeting the girl who’d replaced me in Ryan’s life wasn’t enough torture, the first person I saw when I looked up was Valerie. Standing beside her was Ryan.
Blood hurried through my veins so quickly that it made me woozy. I placed my hand against my stomach in an attempt to convince it to stop swirling.
I hadn’t seen Ryan in almost five months. Standing so close to him was agonizing. Internally, my body was at war. The anguish and the joy of seeing him battled one another as I watched him stand silently in front of me. He looked so good, worlds better than the pale memories of him in my head. Seeing him dressed up reminded me of when we’d gone out for my birthday. Thinking of that night tore at my insides. Pain surged through my body in violent waves.
I wondered if Ryan had proposed to Katie in the same romantic way he had promised himself to me. I wondered if he loved her more than me, if he was happier with her. It made me want to scream to release all of the emotions I felt so that I could think, instead of helplessly standing and staring at him.
As I watched, Katie returned to Ryan’s side. She leaned in and whispered something to him that made him laugh. I had assumed, to make myself feel better, that Ryan had only married Katie for Jacob’s sake, but the truth was right in front of me, in the ecstatic flesh, proving that Ryan’s marriage wasn’t as loveless as I’d imagined.
When Ryan noticed me watching him, my breath caught and I couldn’t do anything but stare at him. My mind went blank, giving me no direction. All I could see were his beautiful green eyes staring back at me. I was overwhelmed by memories of us, and my love for him. I wanted to run and put my arms around him, bury my head in his chest, listen to his heart beating, and feel him embrace me. I had adored the feeling of being in his arms. I could almost feel it, and then he looked away from me, back to her.
Tears landed on my chest, coming so quickly that there was no time for them to roll down my face. They skipped straight down to the front of my dress. I felt I was moving in slow motion as I spun around hoping to force my body to move in the opposite direction of them.
I heard John say my name, his voice sounded sluggish and distant as I pushed through the crowd to Justin. I flew into his arms, surprising him. I found myself in tears again from the relief of being safe in his hold.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, panicked. I hugged him tighter. “He’s here.” I was so choked up I didn’t think I would be able to get the words out.
“Did he do something to you?”
I couldn’t speak.
“Annie! Did he do something to you?” Justin asked again, his tone sharp.
I shook my head against his chest. “He’s with her,” I sobbed. Justin breathed out and adjusted his hold on me. He moved my hair behind my shoulders and pressed his cheek against mine.
“I’m sorry, Annie,” he mumbled. Then he lightly kissed my face. “Go sit with Pam,” he said, letting me go.
“Where are you going?”
“Just go sit with Pam.”
“No. You can’t say anything to him.”
“I’m not going to talk to him, Reynolds. I’m going to bash his stupid face in.”
“Stop it, Justin!” I pulled his arm as he tried to walk away from me. I knew I’d never physically be able to stop him, but this was not the place for a fight.
“He needs to hurt, too, Annie. The condition he left you in, I swore I’d make him pay the next time I saw him.”
“The best way to deal with Ryan is to leave it alone. I don’t want him to think that he still gets to me. If you hit him, he’ll think I put you up to it.”
“No, he won’t. He knows how close we are. Hurting you hurt me. He’s a selfish piece of shit who never deserved you.”
“I’m trying to put it behind me, please let me do that.” I put my hands on Justin’s chest and looked pleadingly into his eyes. He shook his head. “Let’s get out of here, then. I’ll take you anywhere you want.”
“I’m not leaving. They’re not forcing me out. I’m not bailing on Pam because of Ryan. You and I are going to have fun the rest of the night.”
“This isn’t my idea of fun. Pam would understand if we left.”
“Don’t tell Pam that Ryan’s here.” I pointed my finger at him. “I don’t want to make a deal about it.”
I didn’t want to leave. This pain was the most intense emotion I had felt in months and I wanted to be close to Ryan even if it hurt; maybe even because it hurt. The band began to play a slow song. “Will you dance with me?” I asked Ju
stin.
“You know I don’t dance.”
“Just hold me and sway a little bit.” I coaxed, ignoring that he didn’t want to. “It’ll make me feel better,” I encouraged.
“Getting a drink would make you feel better, too.”
“We’ll leave after dinner, I promise.” Justin rolled his eyes and grudgingly let me have my way.
I took Justin’s hand and lead him to the dance floor, wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly in and out, listening to the sound of his heart beating, which comforted me.
After a few minutes, Justin seemed to feel less annoyed. He kissed the top of my head. “I would only do this for you, you know.” I didn’t even dance with Eve at prom.”
“You didn’t?”
“No.”
“It’s not so bad, is it?”
“I’m declining to answer that.” I heard the smirk in his voice, and smiled as I opened my eyes. They focused right on Ryan. He was standing with his father facing us. I imaged he’d just heard that I’d met his wife. I closed my eyes again to shut him out, hoping to make him feel that he was interrupting something between Justin and me.
“Am I done yet?” Justin asked as the song ended.
“One more, please.”
“You’re going to owe me.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to take advantage of my pain like that,” I teased.
“Dance with me Justin — it’ll make me feel better.” Justin gave his best imitation of my voice. I laughed. “What would you call that? You know I hate dancing. You dirty manipulator.”
I laughed louder. He had a point. “I really appreciate it though.”
“Appreciation’s not gonna cut it.”
I smiled. “Since you’re cooperating, I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Oh,” he gasped. “You should not have said that. You know what I’m going to make you do.”
“Jaeger shots,” I whined.
“Exactly.” I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was smiling.
“I thought you were against me drinking on my meds.”
“That didn’t stop you from doing shots with Lindsay.”
“Are you jealous?” I hummed.
“No,” he griped, making me giggle.
When I reopened my eyes, Ryan was gone, so I relieved Justin of his dancing duties.
Dinner was finally served; roast chicken with red potatoes and asparagus. Justin pushed his asparagus almost completely off his plate, his lip curled up in disgust. I ate a few bites of my chicken and covered my plate with a napkin so no one could see that I hadn’t eaten much. I didn’t have an appetite.
Justin and I left right after dinner. When we got home, he yanked off his jacket and tie, and rolled up his sleeves.
“Come on.” He grabbed my hand and led me to the freezer where he took out two bitterly cold shot glasses. They frosted over as the warm air in the room collided with them. He took the dark green bottle of liquor from the ice container and poured to the line circling the glass, then handed me one with a big grin on his face.
“One. Two. Three.” We slammed the glasses down on the counter once we’d finished the shot. I stuck my tongue out wanting to gag from the horrendous taste. “Ick,” I complained, but asked for another.
“What? You hate this stuff.” He was right. It tasted like black licorice. “And you’re not supposed to drink much on your meds.”
We’d already been over that. “One more won’t kill me. Just pour.” I instructed.
He did it, but seemed annoyed that I was taking my punishment for making him dance with me so well.
Once I got that one down, I sat Indian style in the center of the couch and switched on the CD player, closed my eyes and listened to Chris Botti play “My Romance.”
Justin plopped down next to me. “Why are you listening to that?” he asked irritated. “It’s only going to make you feel worse.”
“Chris Botti speaks my language,” I stated dryly.
“The guy plays a jazz trumpet. You played the flute in sixth grade, and not well, I’ll remind you. It’s as if he’s speaking French and you’re speaking Japanese if you compare the two. One language is beautiful and the other is confusing as hell.”
I groaned, ignoring Justin’s critique of my flute playing abilities, hit the power button and turned the song off.
“I wish you hadn’t seen him,” Justin admitted, staring straight ahead. “You seemed to be feeling so much better. I don’t want him to drag you back down. It was hard seeing you like that. Scary as hell, actually.”
“I’m sorry I put you through it.”
“He’s the one who needs to be sorry, not you.”
“I’ll be fine, I promise and you have to promise to let it go, too. You’re going to have to play ball with him and I don’t want him to think he still has that much influence in my life, or yours. It’s done. Seeing him with her tonight banged the final nail into that coffin,” I lied.
9
Annie
Pam had moved my and Justin’s things into our apartment for us, so I wasn’t sure where my pajamas were—if she’d hung them up or put them in the dresser. It looked as if she’d taken everything from the closet at my parent’s house and brought it here. Boxes were stacked in both corners and across the shelf above my hanging rod.
The crap thing about someone else moving your things is that they don’t know what you would have left behind. Beneath the box of Judy Bloom books was a carton I should have burned weeks ago. I closed the closet door and lay down on my bed, the room was slightly spinning, but not so much that I felt sick from it.
After seeing the box, I couldn’t keep from thinking about Ryan. My mind drifted to the last night we spent together, the way it felt, the things he’d said to me. I could hear his words, the sound of his voice telling me he was going to love me forever. What was it about her that made him change his mind? Why did he want her more? What did she do that made him give her everything he’d promised me? How could he make me feel like he was telling the truth when he said he was coming back to me, that we would spend the rest of our lives together?
I decided I needed to finish this tonight. I couldn’t allow it to go on any longer. I needed to pour salt on my wounds and let them burn all of the hurt out of me. Maybe then, I would heal. Maybe then, I could move on. I took down the box that contained the ruins of my relationship with Ryan and sat it on the floor.
I crawled inside the closet, using my phone as a flashlight and pulled the packing tape away from the top seam of the box. I begged myself not to open it. Not to go backwards. To take this box outside and set fire to it, but my wants superseded my needs, and at that moment, I felt like remembering us and being close to Ryan.
I cracked open the box, slowly bent the flaps back and reached inside, releasing the memories of us. I removed the grey t-shirt lying on top and held it against my face. Ryan’s scent was gone. I knew it would be. It had disappeared long ago, but it had been engraved in my memory and although it wasn’t physically present, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, allowing my mind to surround me with his woodsy scent.
I used to sleep in that shirt almost every night after he’d given it to me. I thought about that night in his closet when he’d taken off the shirt and held it out for me, and how I’d considered spending the night with him. I pulled my own shirt off and replaced it with his. I used mine to wipe away the tears in my eyes.
I thumbed through the letters Ryan had written me, held the key to the room we’d stayed in the night we made love for the first time, touched the jewelry he’d given me — the pieces Valerie hadn’t taken, and then I found the key he’d given me to what was supposed to have been our house. I held it tightly, until the ridges had made deep indentions in the palm of my hand and I could no longer feel the pain from it.
***
I didn’t expect it to, but my key still worked. As I pushed the door open, I remembered
the last time I’d let myself into Ryan’s house. Instead of the familiar scent I expected, a strong wave of vanilla greeted me. A scent she’d chosen. Ryan’s wife. That thought gave me pause, but I didn’t let it keep me from continuing inside.
I looked around. The house wasn’t at all the way I remembered it. He’d changed everything. Or she had. Or they’d done it together. Either way, nothing was the same.
I had no idea why I was doing this to myself—drudging it all back up. I was surrounded by memories of us. This house felt haunted, like it was pushing in on me, threatening to smother me with the past. I shouldn’t have come here. The reason Ryan chose Katie didn’t really matter, did it? Knowing why wouldn’t undo anything. I turned back to the door, and before I could leave, I heard his voice behind me.
10
Ryan
“Annie?”
She slowly turned around and looked at me. She was wearing a t-shirt of mine, and the necklace I had given her for her birthday.
“You changed everything,” she mumbled, sniffling.
What did she expect? I couldn’t leave it the way it was. It reminded me too much of her.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I was thinking about our Christmas, before you left for Colorado, before everything changed.” She turned her head to look at the fireplace where our stockings had once hung. I remembered every detail of that day with her. The fire crackling in the fireplace, how she’d cried during It’s a Wonderful Life, how excited she was about the bracelet I gave her, how silly she looked in that airbrushed t-shirt with our initials claiming that we would be together forever, how she felt later in my hands when we made love, and how I kept thinking that I didn’t want to leave her—not even for the three days I was going to be in Colorado.
Annie stared at me. Her cheeks and nose were red, her face wet with tears. I wanted to hate her. I needed to hate her, but it was hard when she was standing here in front of me, so vulnerable. So beautiful. “You shouldn’t be here.” I tried to be harsh with her, but it didn’t come out that way.
Breathe (Sway Part 2) Page 15