A Cousin's Prayer

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  ***

  On the drive home, Freeman kept berating himself. He felt like a heel for hurting Katie. If he’d known she hadn’t told her folks about her panic attacks, he never would have said anything. Maybe in some ways it was good that the truth had come out. Katie’s folks might insist that she get some help. Freeman wished he’d been able to help her, but they hadn’t spent enough time together for that. Besides, he wasn’t a trained counselor. The only thing that made him qualified to discuss Katie’s panic attacks was that he’d suffered from them, too.

  “What’s wrong?” Eunice asked, giving Freeman’s arm a light tap. “You’ve been awfully quiet ever since you went over to the Millers’ table at the restaurant.”

  Freeman shrugged.

  “Did Katie say something to upset you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you wish you’d been having supper with her instead of me?” Freeman turned to face her. “’Course not. I just went over there to find out how Katie was doing and to apologize for something I said.”

  “What’d you say?”

  “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Does it have anything to do with the boppli she kidnapped?”

  “She didn’t kidnap the boppli; she found it on her porch.” Freeman glared at Eunice. “How’d you find out about it, anyhow?”

  “It was in the newspaper. I’m sure everyone in our community knows about it by now.”

  Freeman gripped the reins a little tighter. “I read the article in the paper, too, and it didn’t give the name of the woman who found the boppli.”

  “Well, my mamm overheard Katie and Ella talking about it yesterday. Katie came right out and said that she was the one who found the boppli. She also said that you were in on it the whole time.”

  “I wasn’t in on it. I just helped Katie out by buying some things she needed for the boppli.”

  “Humph! At least now I know why you’ve been acting so secretive and why you stayed at Katie’s so late last Sunday. Are you in lieb with Katie?”

  “No, I’m not in love with her! Now, can we just drop the subject?” Freeman’s face heated up, and a trickle of sweat rolled down his forehead. He didn’t like being grilled like this. It made him feel like he was a little boy.

  They rode in silence the rest of the way home, and when Freeman pulled into Eunice’s yard, she hopped down from the buggy and sprinted for her house without saying good-bye.

  “Wish I’d never asked her out for supper,” Freeman mumbled as he drove away. “Wish I’d never gone over to the Millers’ table tonight and shot off my big mouth!”

  By the time Freeman arrived at his house, he was quite worked up. Instead of having a pleasant evening with Eunice, he’d upset both her and Katie, and now he was upset as well.

  He hurried to get the horse and buggy put away and then headed for the house.

  When Freeman stepped into the living room, he halted. Fern knelt on the floor sobbing like a child.

  “What’s wrong?” He moved quickly toward her.

  With a shaky finger, she pointed across the room to where Grandma lay on the sofa. “I ... I think she’s dead!”

  CHAPTER 28

  Katie groaned and shielded her eyes from the ray of sun streaming through the curtain in her bedroom window. It was time to get up and help Mom with breakfast, but she didn’t want to leave her bed. On Sunday they’d gotten word that Sara Bontrager had died from a heart attack. Today was Sara’s funeral. Even the thought of going sent shivers up Katie’s spine. She hated funerals. Hated anything that reminded her of death.

  With a weary sigh, she climbed out of bed, plodded over to the window, and stared out at the cloudless sky. I wish I had a good excuse not to go to Sara’s funeral. She dug her nails into the soft wood of the windowsill. Mom and Dad will expect me to go, and I don’t think they’ll let me stay home no matter what I say.

  Katie thought about Freeman and Fern and wondered how they were dealing with the loss of their grandmother. She thought about how horrible she’d feel if either of her grandparents died, and she remembered the agony she’d felt when Timothy died. Even though she was still angry with Freeman for telling Mom and Dad about her panic attacks, her heart went out to him today.

  On the way home from Mom’s birthday supper last night, Dad had quizzed Katie about the panic attacks and said he thought they needed to get her some help. Katie had responded by saying that it wasn’t as bad as Freeman made it seem, and she was sure she could handle the panicky feelings on her own. Dad’s response to that was, “We’ll talk about it later.”

  With the news of Sara’s death, Mom and Dad had other things on their minds. At least, Katie figured, they wouldn’t bring up the subject of her panic attacks for a while.

  ***

  Freeman stood with his family in front of Grandma’s coffin, gazing at her softly wrinkled face. They’d had a short service that morning for their closest relatives. Soon the main service would begin, with everyone else in their community invited.

  “I’ll miss you, Grandma,” Freeman whispered, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

  Freeman’s mother placed her hand on his shoulder. “We’ll all miss her, but we can take comfort in knowing she’s in a better place.”

  He nodded slowly. “I ... I still can’t believe she’s gone.”

  “Me neither.” Tears ran down Fern’s face, and she swiped them away with a trembling hand. “It was a shock to find her lying dead on the sofa.” She sniffed and blew her nose on her hanky. “Grandma hardly ever got sick, and she rarely complained about anything. I had no idea she had a weak heart.”

  “None of us did,” Dad said with a shake of his head.

  Freeman moved away from the coffin, leaving Mom, Dad, and his brothers and sisters who’d come from Ohio and several other states to say good-bye to Grandma. Some of their church members had begun to arrive, and he knew it would soon be time to close the casket before the main service began.

  ***

  A few minutes past nine o’clock, Katie and her folks arrived at the Bontragers’ place for Sara’s funeral. Katie took a seat beside Ella and prayed for the strength to make it through the day.

  Ella reached for Katie’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Are you okay?” she whispered.

  Katie nodded and forced a smile. She couldn’t let on how uneasy she felt. She needed to keep her emotions under control and stay as relaxed as she could.

  She glanced around the room at the people who’d come to this somber occasion—men and women dressed in black—young children and teens, all sitting quietly on their backless wooden benches.

  The service began at nine thirty, with one of the ministers speaking about creation. He quoted from John 5:20–30 and from the latter portion of 1 Corinthians 15. Both passages dealt with the resurrection of the dead.

  Then another minister preached for twenty minutes more, and the final message was delivered by the bishop, followed by some scriptures and a prayer.

  Katie closed her eyes, determined to focus on something else. She thought about the baby she’d found on her porch. She thought about Florida and warm sunny beaches. She thought about the pond out behind their house, wishing she could be there instead of here.

  Katie heard someone sobbing, and her eyes snapped open. Fern and Freeman were sitting with their family, and Fern’s shoulders shook as the bishop read Sara’s obituary. Then the casket was opened, and the viewing began. The home church men went into the room where Sara’s body lay. The home church women followed so they could help the men sing a few songs while the people filed through.

  As Katie approached Sara’s casket, she choked back a sob. Sara, lying still and pale inside her plain, simple coffin, wore a peaceful look. Did that mean crossing from this life to the next had been a joyful occasion for her? Had Sara gone to heaven to be with Jesus, or had her spirit merely vanished into nothingness when it left her body?

  That’s how I feel whenever I’m having a panic at
tack, Katie thought as she made her way out of the room. It’s like I’m floating away into nothingness. Just thinking about the experience made her tremble.

  She stepped quickly out the door and drew in a couple of deep breaths.

  “Are you okay?” Ella asked, coming up behind Katie. “You look like you might pass out.”

  “I ... I’m fine. Just need to breathe in some fresh air.”

  “It was quite stuffy in there,” Ella said. “When you get that many bodies in one place, it’s bound to be warm.” She touched Katie’s arm. “When I saw how pale and shaky you looked, I was worried that you might be having a panic attack.”

  Katie gulped. “Where’d you get that idea?”

  “Well, after what Freeman said to me the other day—” Ella’s face flamed. “Did you know he spoke to me about you?”

  Katie’s fingers clenched as she shook her head. “What did he say?”

  “Said you’ve been having panic attacks, and I said I wanted to help you.” Ella frowned. “But between my job helping Dad, and Mom not feeling well again, I haven’t been able to speak to you until now.”

  Irritation welled in Katie’s soul. “Freeman had no right to tell you that. I wouldn’t have told him about my panic attacks if I’d known he was going to blab it all over the place.”

  “I’m sure he wasn’t trying to be malicious. He’s concerned about you, and he thought I knew.”

  “I never told anyone until the night I admitted it to Freeman, and now he’s told you, Mom, and Dad.” Katie grimaced. “Who knows who else he’s told about my panic attacks?”

  “Who’s having panic attacks?” Loraine asked as she joined them on the lawn.

  Katie dropped her gaze to the ground. “Apparently Freeman’s been telling everyone, so I guess you may as well know that I’ve been having panic attacks.”

  Loraine touched Katie’s arm. “Ach, I’m so sorry. Do your folks know about this?”

  Katie nodded. “Freeman blabbed to them, too.”

  “What are you going to do?” Loraine asked.

  Katie opened her mouth to reply, but Ella bumped her arm and motioned to the long line of buggies in the yard. “Looks like we’re getting ready to head to the cemetery for the graveside service, so we’d better go.”

  ***

  Katie had been holding things together fairly well until they gathered at the cemetery. When the men set the casket in place over the freshly dug hole, she struggled to keep her composure. She felt shaky and hot, as if she might pass out, and her legs felt like two sticks of rubber.

  Could this be the beginning of another panic attack? Help me, Lord. Help me to stay calm and in control.

  As several men who were related to Sara began to fill in her grave, Katie swayed unsteadily. With every clump of dirt that hit the coffin, she thought of Timothy and the horrible feeling she’d had in the pit of her stomach the day he was buried.

  Katie gulped in a quick breath of air and squeezed her eyes shut. Think about something else. Breathe in. Breathe out.

  When the graveside service was finally over, Katie relaxed a bit. Now they could go back to the Bontragers’, eat the simple meal that had been prepared, and head for home.

  ***

  After the funeral dinner was over, Loraine decided to have a talk with Ella. She was worried about Katie and hoped Ella might have some idea as to what they could do to help her. She’d been watching Katie throughout the graveside service and had noticed how nervous and wobbly she seemed to be. No doubt she’d been remembering the day Timothy was buried.

  Loraine didn’t know much about panic attacks, other than the little bit she’d read in a magazine one day. What she’d read had made her realize that anyone dealing with panic attacks needed some kind of help.

  Loraine spotted Ella talking with her sister Charlene near the barn.

  “How are you feeling?” Charlene asked when Loraine walked up to them. “I hear you’ve been having some morning sickness.”

  Loraine nodded. “Some days it’s worse than others, but today it hasn’t been so bad.”

  “I hate feeling sick to my stomach.” Charlene wrinkled her nose. “If I ever get married and am expecting a boppli, morning sickness is the one thing I won’t like.”

  Ella tapped her sister’s shoulder. “That’s a ways off for you, and maybe by then you’ll have gotten used to the idea.”

  Charlene shook her head. “I doubt that very much.”

  They engaged in small talk for a while; then Charlene left to visit some of her friends.

  Loraine moved closer to Ella and lowered her voice. “I’m really worried about Katie.”

  “Me, too. She made it through the funeral okay, but at the graveside service, she looked so shaky I was afraid she might pass out.” Ella’s expression was full of compassion. “I was thinking about my bruder Raymond’s funeral, so I’m sure Katie was thinking about Timothy’s funeral, too.”

  “Can you think of anything we can do to help with her emotional problems?” Loraine asked.

  Ella shrugged. “I don’t know much about panic attacks, so I’m not sure we can help her get over them, but maybe we can help in some other way.”

  “Like what?”

  “Let’s think of something fun we could do. Maybe if her mind’s off herself, she’ll learn to relax and won’t have so many panic attacks.”

  “We still haven’t gotten together to do any stamping,” Loraine said. “Let’s try to do that with Katie soon.”

  Ella nodded. “It’ll be like old times.”

  “Except Jolene won’t be with us.” Loraine sighed. “I sure do miss her.”

  “So do I.”

  “Do you think she’ll ever come home?”

  “Maybe for a visit, but now that she’s deaf and can’t teach school, I doubt she’d stay for good.”

  “You’re probably right. Jolene was very happy being a teacher, and I’m sure she still misses her students.” Ella glanced across the yard. “I haven’t seen Katie in a while. Do you know if she’s still here?”

  Loraine shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

  “Let’s go see if we can find her,” Ella suggested. “I want to see when she might be free to do some stamping.”

  ***

  As soon as Katie finished eating, she headed for the creek behind Sara’s house. She needed to be alone for a while to think and calm down. During the meal, she’d noticed a few people staring at her. She wondered if they knew about her panic attacks. Worse yet, what if they thought she was pregnant? Oh, how she wanted to know who’d told Freeman such a thing. She wished she could have made an announcement—tell everyone she wasn’t pregnant and that she wasn’t the only person in the world suffering from panic attacks.

  When the water finally came into view, Katie was relieved that no one else was around. She took a seat on the grass, removed her shoes, and dangled her feet in the water. Then she closed her eyes and lifted her face to the sun. She sat like that for several minutes until a twig snapped from behind.

  Katie jumped.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Freeman said, taking a seat beside her. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.” Katie shifted uneasily. She was still upset with Freeman for revealing her secret, but the sympathy she felt for him losing his grandma overruled her anger. “I’m sorry about your grandma. She was a kind woman, and she’ll be missed by everyone.”

  He nodded. “The house will sure seem empty with her gone.”

  “Will you and Fern continue to live there?”

  “Jah. She left the place in both of our names.”

  “That’s good.” Katie wondered what would happen if either Freeman or Fern got married. Would one of them move out? But she didn’t voice the question.

  Freeman rubbed the bridge of his nose and squinted. “I hope you’re not still mad at me, Katie.”

  “You mean for telling Ella and my folks about my panic attacks?”

  He nodded. “I never would
have said anything if I’d known you hadn’t told ’em.”

  Tears burned Katie’s eyes and trickled down her cheeks.

  Freeman touched her arm. “Will you forgive me?”

  “The truth’s out now, and I guess it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t forgive you.” She sniffed and swiped at her tears. “I ... I’m really scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “I’m scared that I’ll never get over my panic attacks. I’m scared that people will think I’m crazy, or worse, that I’m pregnant.” Katie choked on a sob.

  “Don’t cry, Katie. It’s gonna be okay. No one else has mentioned it to me, and if they do say anything, I’ll nip it right in the bud.” Freeman touched her arm. “You can find things to help overcome the panic attacks, and I’ll help in any way I can.” He slipped his arms around her waist, and she clung to him as if her life depended on it. “It’ll be okay. Just give it some time,” he whispered in her ear.

  ***

  Eunice had seen Freeman heading for the creek, so a bit later she decided to follow. She was almost there when she caught sight of him sitting on the grass, hugging Katie.

  Eunice ground her teeth together. He takes me out for supper and says nice things about my pretty eyes, and now he’s hugging her! How could he do this to me? Is Freeman planning to drop me for Katie the way Sam did when Amanda started hanging around?

  She tapped her foot and continued to watch Freeman and Katie. Maybe it was Katie who initiated the hug. I’ll bet that’s exactly what happened.

  Eunice whirled around and started back toward the house. I should find a way to get even with Katie Miller. I ought to tell everyone I know about the baby Katie found, and how I’m almost sure that Katie’s pregnant.

  CHAPTER 29

  “Did you see how sullen Katie was on the way home from the Bontragers’?” JoAnn asked Jeremy as they sat on the porch swing together that evening.