A Cousin's Prayer

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  He nodded soberly. “When I helped her into the buggy, I noticed that her eyes were red and swollen. She seemed kind of shaky, too.”

  “Katie didn’t know Sara that well, but she seemed to take her death pretty hard.”

  “She takes everything hard these days. Makes me sad to see her acting so naerfich all the time.” Jeremy’s nose crinkled when he frowned. “Do you really think she’s suffering from panic attacks?”

  JoAnn shrugged. “Freeman said so, and Katie admitted it, too.” “If that’s the case, don’t you think we oughta get her some help?”

  “What kind of help?”

  “I think we should talk to the bishop about Katie’s problem.”

  “When did you want to speak with him?”

  “How about now? Since Katie went to bed soon after we got home, she’s probably asleep by now and won’t even know we’re gone.”

  JoAnn nodded slowly. “I suppose you’re right; we shouldn’t put this off.”

  ***

  Katie had just slipped into her nightgown when she heard the sound of buggy wheels rolling along the driveway. She figured either they had some late evening company or Dad had decided to go someplace.

  She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. The events of the day had left her feeling exhausted. She glanced at the clock on her nightstand and realized it was only eight o’clock. Even so, she was more than ready for bed.

  She stood in front of the dresser and removed the pins from her hair. She was about to pick up her hairbrush when she caught sight of a pink baby bootie sticking out from under her bed.

  Katie bent to pick it up, slipped it in the bottom drawer of her dresser, and sank to the edge of her bed with a moan. One more reminder of the baby she’d had to give up.

  Her thoughts shifted gears as she remembered the way Freeman had hugged her today. Was it possible that he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship?

  She shook her head. I’m being stupid for even thinking he might be interested in me. What man would want to marry a woman who can’t go anywhere on her own without having a panic attack? He needs someone strong and stable like Eunice, not an immature woman who’s afraid of her own shadow. As long as I’m trapped in my fears, I can’t live a normal life.

  It was probably for the best, Katie decided. The thought of falling in love again frightened her. If she were to love another man and lost him the way she’s lost Timothy, it would be too much to bear.

  ***

  “What’s that hundlin got under her head?” Freeman’s dad asked when he took a seat on the porch beside Freeman.

  “It’s one of Grandma’s slippers.” Freeman grunted. “Come here, Penny. Get your head off that slipper.”

  The puppy just lay there, staring up at him.

  He reached over and pulled the slipper out from under the pup’s head. “Give that to me now!” So much for trying to train the mutt to do what he said.

  Penny whimpered and stared longingly at the slipper.

  “I don’t think she was hurtin’ it any,” Dad said. “She’s still a pup and doesn’t understand. Maybe she misses my mamm the way we all do and the slipper brings her comfort.”

  “Guess you’re right. I might be expecting too much from the hundli.” Freeman tossed the slipper back on the porch.

  Penny flopped her head down on Grandma’s slipper and let out a grunt.

  Freeman rolled his eyes and shook his head.

  The screen door creaked open just then, and Fern, Mom, and two of Freeman’s other sisters stepped onto the porch.

  “Mind if we join you?” Mom asked, taking a seat in the chair on the other side of Dad.

  “’Course not.” Freeman motioned to the remaining folding chairs on the porch. “You’ll be leaving for home soon, so we need to take every opportunity we have to visit.”

  They began sharing their memories about Grandma and some of the things she’d said or done over the years that had been special to them.

  When the women started singing “Glory Gates,” which had been one of Grandma’s favorite songs from the Heartland Hymns book, Freeman leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. He thought about Grandma for a while, until an image of Katie popped into his mind. He could still see the pathetic way she’d looked at him when they’d visited at the creek. He thought about how he’d impulsively hugged her and wondered if he’d been too forward. She hadn’t pulled away, and the gesture had seemed to help calm her down. Truth be told, the hug had made Freeman feel comforted, too. He hoped Katie hadn’t misread his intentions, though.

  Woof! Woof!

  Penny leaped into Freeman’s lap, and he jumped.

  “What do you want, girl?” He patted the dog’s head. “Are you feeling lonely without Grandma to rub your belly and stroke your ears?”

  Penny whined and nuzzled Freeman’s hand with her nose.

  “I think that pup really likes you,” Mom said with a smile.

  Freeman nodded. “I’ve finally accepted that fact.”

  ***

  The following morning as Katie and her mother worked together in the stamp shop, Katie decided to try making some cards using one of their new paper punches.

  Katie felt safe here among the stamping supplies, but she wished she could work here alone without having to wait on customers.

  “How’s that punch working out for you?” Mom asked.

  Katie sighed. “It keeps slipping, and I’m having a hard time getting it set straight on the paper.”

  “Just keep on trying,” Mom said. “Everyone feels better when they know they’ve done their best.”

  Katie frowned. “Are you saying I’m not trying to do my best?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Mom stepped up to the table where Katie sat and put her hands on Katie’s shoulders. “You feel so tense. If you’re having that much trouble with the punch, then you ought to set it aside and do something else.”

  Katie pushed her chair away from the table and stood.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I need a drink of water.” Katie hurried to the bathroom, grabbed a paper cup, and filled it with water from the sink. As she took a drink, she made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Her eyes looked bloodshot, and there were dark circles beneath them. She obviously needed to get more sleep.

  When Katie stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, she discovered Mom standing just outside the door with her arms folded.

  “Since we have no customers at the moment, I’d like to talk to you about something,” Mom said.

  “What about?” Katie moved back to the table and took a seat.

  Mom sat in the chair on the other side of her. “Your daed and I went to see the bishop last night after you’d gone to bed.”

  “How come?”

  “We went there to talk to him about the panic attacks you’ve been having.”

  Katie’s spine stiffened. “You told the bishop about that?”

  Mom nodded. “He said we should take you to see one of the counselors in the place dedicated to us Amish at the mental health clinic in Goshen.”

  “You want to send me away because you think I’m going crazy, don’t you?”

  Mom shook her head. “Of course not! We just want you to get help. You wouldn’t have to stay there. You could be seen as an outpatient.”

  “I don’t want to go. Freeman gave me a book about panic attacks, and I think I can get better on my own by reading that.”

  “Your daed thinks it’s a good idea for you to go to the clinic, and he plans to talk to you about it this evening. I just thought it would help if I explained things to you first.”

  Katie leaped out of her chair, sending it crashing to the floor. “I’m not going to the clinic! And he won’t talk me into it!”

  CHAPTER 30

  Katie raced from the stamp shop, tears streaming down her cheeks. She needed to be alone. Needed time to think. The best place to do that was at the pond, so she tore
off in that direction.

  It was another warm day, and the unrelenting grip of the summer heat wave made her feel as if she couldn’t breathe. Farm fields had been baked brown, and everyone’s gardens were withering badly. They needed some rain, and they needed it soon.

  When Katie reached the pond, she removed her shoes and waded into the water, letting it cool her feet. She plodded back and forth along the shallow edge, kicking and splashing the way she’d done as a child. If only her life could be as simple and happy as it had been back then. She still couldn’t believe Mom and Dad were trying to force her to go for counseling. Didn’t they realize how frightening it would be for her to talk about her problems with a stranger, not to mention the stress of having to hire a driver for getting to and from the clinic?

  She flopped onto the grass with a weary sigh. The sun glinted off the water, and she looked up, shielding her eyes from the glare. She tried to pray, but words wouldn’t come. What was the use of praying, anyhow? It seemed that God answered so few of Katie’s prayers.

  I wish there was someone I could talk to about this, she thought. Maybe I should have begged Grandma and Grandpa to let me move to Wisconsin with them. At least they didn’t try to make me do things I didn’t want to do. I was much happier living in Florida with them.

  The more Katie mulled things over, the more agitated she became. It made no sense that the panic attacks came at certain times and not others. It made no sense that the symptoms she’d been experiencing were so weird and left her feeling weak and confused.

  Freeman had told Katie that he’d gotten over his panic attacks, so there must be a way. Oh Lord, please let there be a way.

  Katie thought about the book Freeman had given her about panic attacks. She’d stuck it away in her dresser and hadn’t even looked at it, but since she’d mentioned it to Mom, she guessed she’d better start reading it right away. Maybe there was something in the book that would help her. If she could get over the horrible attacks on her own, maybe Mom and Dad wouldn’t insist on her seeing a counselor.

  Katie scrambled to her feet and started walking toward the house. She was halfway there when she spotted Loraine heading in her direction.

  “I stopped by the stamp shop to see you,” Loraine said when she caught up to Katie. “Your mamm said you’d gotten upset about something and had run out of the shop. I checked the house first, and when I didn’t find you there, I figured you might have gone to the pond.”

  Katie nodded. “I needed some time alone.”

  “If you’d like to talk about whatever’s bothering you, I’m willing to listen. In fact, that’s why I’m here—so we can talk about some things.”

  Katie hesitated a minute then nodded. “Let’s go back to the pond where we can sit and visit.”

  “Sounds good to me. I might even decide to go wading.”

  When they reached the pond, they took seats under the shade of a maple tree.

  Katie leaned back on her elbows and sighed. “I envy you, Loraine.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “You’re married to the man you love, and—”

  “Your time will come. Someday you’ll find the right man and get married.”

  Katie shook her head. “I found the right man once, but he was taken from me. Besides, I can’t even think about getting married as long as I’m having panic attacks.”

  “There must be something you can do to get over them.”

  Katie shrugged. “Mom and Dad want me to go for counseling, but I don’t want to go.”

  “How come?”

  “The thought of riding in a car makes me naerfich enough, but the idea of having to share my innermost thoughts with a total stranger makes me feel like I could throw up.” Katie groaned as she touched her cheeks. “Do you know how embarrassed I feel because of my panic attacks? I’m afraid people are looking at me, thinking what a crazy person I am.”

  Loraine shook her head. “No one thinks you’re crazy. And you might feel like you stand out or that people are looking at you, but don’t let that give you an excuse to hide your embarrassment.”

  “I do look for excuses,” Katie admitted. “Sometimes I look for reasons not to go places or do certain things. I feel safer when I’m at home.”

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I discussed your panic attacks with Wayne, and he gave me some information to give you.”

  “What kind of information?”

  “Wayne’s chiropractor taught him to use a tapping method on certain acupressure points to help his phantom pains after his leg was removed.”

  “Did it work?”

  Loraine nodded. “The chiropractor told Wayne that some people have used the tapping method as a way to relax and deal with their panic attacks.”

  Katie nibbled on the inside of her cheek. Between the book Freeman had given her and the information about tapping, maybe she could get on top of her anxiety attacks. “Do you have the tapping information with you?” she asked.

  “Jah. It’s in my buggy. I’ll get it for you before I leave.” Loraine touched Katie’s arm. “There are a couple more things I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “Like what?”

  “Ella and I want to get together with you to do some stamping. Can we do it one evening this week after the stamp shop is closed?”

  “I guess that would be okay. How about Friday?”

  “Friday should work.” Loraine smiled. “It’s been a long time since the three of us did anything fun together. It’ll be like old times.”

  “Uh-huh.” Katie shifted her legs to a more comfortable position. “How are you feeling these days? Is your morning sickness any better?”

  “Some. The tea I got at the health food store has helped.”

  “Maybe I should try some of that, too.”

  “What for?”

  “I get waves of nausea sometimes.”

  Loraine fidgeted with the ends of her head covering ties and sucked in her lower lip. “I’m, uh, not quite sure how to say this, but when I was at the health food store today, I heard someone say something I just couldn’t believe.”

  “What was it?”

  “They said you’d planned to keep the boppli you found on your porch, and that you only gave it up because your folks came home and made you take it to the sheriff.”

  Katie’s face felt like it was on fire. “That’s not true! Freeman and I were getting ready to go to the sheriff’s when Mom and Dad showed up.” Her eyes narrowed. “Who said that, anyhow?”

  Loraine pulled on a piece of grass and twirled it around her fingers. “I’d rather not say.”

  “I think I have the right to know who’s spreading rumors about me, don’t you?”

  “Maybe you’re right.” Loraine sighed. “It was Eunice.”

  “How would she know anything about what I’d planned to do with the boppli?” Katie clenched her teeth so hard that her jaw ached.

  “Maybe Freeman said something to Eunice. From what I’ve been told, he and Eunice are pretty good friends.”

  Katie knew that Freeman and Eunice were good friends, although she couldn’t understand what Freeman saw in Eunice. She seemed pushy and spoiled, used to having her own way.

  “Did Eunice say anything else about me?” Katie asked.

  Loraine nodded slowly. “She said that you’re expecting a boppli.”

  Katie balled her fingers into the palms of her hands. “Awhile back, Freeman told me that he’d heard the same thing, only he never said who’d been spreading that rumor.” Tears welled in Katie’s eyes. “I don’t know what I’ll do if Mom and Dad get wind of this.”

  Loraine clasped Katie’s hand. “Please tell me it’s not true.”

  Katie shook her head real hard. “It’s a lie, plain and simple!”

  “Then why were you asking me about raspberry tea, and how come you’re suffering from bouts of nausea?”

  “It’s one of the symptoms I’ve been having with my panic attacks.” Katie frowned. “Sometimes I feel
lightheaded and like I’m not really here.”

  “That sounds strange. What exactly do you mean?”

  “It’s a strange sensation—like things aren’t real.”

  “Ach, that’s baremlich, and it must be very frightening!”

  Katie nodded. “It’s the most terrible, scary feeling I’ve ever had, and it makes me feel like I’m losing control.”

  “I can only imagine.”

  Katie leaned closer to Loraine. “You don’t believe I’m pregnant, I hope.”

  Loraine shook her head. “I never really thought you were, but I felt that I should let you know what’s being said so you didn’t hear it from someone else.”

  “I’m glad you did.”

  “If I hear any more such talk, I’ll make sure they know it’s not true.”

  “Danki, I appreciate that.”

  The more Katie thought about things, the more agitated she became. She jumped up and started pacing. If Freeman had told Eunice that she’d planned to keep the baby, then he wasn’t her friend at all! And if Eunice was telling folks that she thought Katie was pregnant, she needed to be stopped!

  CHAPTER 31

  “As long as you’re living in this house, you’ll do as I say!”

  Katie cringed as Dad’s fist came down hard on the table. Ever since they’d finished supper, he and Mom had been talking about the need for Katie to get help for her panic attacks. She’d tried to explain to her folks that she planned to read the article on tapping from Wayne, as well as the book Freeman had given her, but Dad said he thought it was all a bunch of hooey and insisted that she needed to go for counseling.

  “You were very depressed after Timothy died,” Dad said. “Now that you’re having these panic attacks, your mamm and I feel that it’s time for you to get some professional help.”

  Katie wasn’t ready to accept that. She was afraid to speak with a counselor, and she was afraid to ride in a car to the clinic. It seemed as if her whole world was falling apart and she was powerless to stop it. “I ... I don’t know why you’re making me do this,” she said sniffling.