A Cousin's Prayer

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “It’s because we love you and want to see you happy and well adjusted again.” Mom slid her chair a little closer and draped her arm across Katie’s shoulders. “I know you’re feeling naerfich about riding in a car, so I’ve decided to close the stamp shop and go with you on Friday.”

  Katie grabbed a napkin from the basket in the center of the table and wiped her tears. Short of moving out of Mom and Dad’s house, there was no way she could get out of seeing the counselor, so she may as well resign herself to the fact.

  Dad pushed away from the table. “Now that we have everything settled, I’m going out to the barn.”

  “I guess we’d better get these dishes cleared off the table.” Mom grabbed their plates and took them over to the sink.

  “Do you want me to wash or dry?” Katie asked, picking up the silverware and glasses.

  “Whatever you prefer.”

  “Guess I’ll wash.” Katie placed the dishes into the sink and turned on the water. At least I’m still allowed to make some choices of my own, she thought bitterly . I wish I’d never come home for Loraine’s wedding. If I could have stayed in Florida...

  A knock sounded on the back door.

  “I’ll see who that is.” Mom hurried from the room and returned with Freeman.

  Katie stiffened and looked away. “What are you doing here?” she mumbled.

  Mom frowned. “Is that any way to speak to your friend?”

  “He isn’t my friend.” Katie grabbed a glass and poked the sponge inside. “Not anymore.”

  ***

  Freeman glanced at JoAnn, wishing she’d leave so he could speak to Katie in private.

  As if sensing his need, JoAnn gave Freeman a nod and quietly left the room.

  “What’d you mean when you said I’m not your friend?” Freeman asked, moving closer to the sink.

  Katie shrugged and kept washing the dishes.

  Freeman grimaced. Something wasn’t right. Katie had been friendly enough when they’d visited at the creek yesterday, even letting him hug her. Maybe that was the problem. Katie might have misunderstood his intentions and thought he was being too forward.

  “I owe you an apology,” he said.

  Katie glanced over her shoulder. “I know you do.”

  “I’m sorry for hugging you yesterday. It wasn’t right for me to—”

  “Is that all you’re sorry for?” She whirled around to face him. Her face had turned red, and her eyes held no sparkle. “Eunice has been spreading rumors about me. She told my cousin Loraine that I’d planned to keep the boppli I found, and she even told someone that she thinks I’m pregnant.”

  Freeman’s jaw dropped. “I can’t believe she would spread rumors like that.”

  Katie dropped the sponge into the soapy water, sending bubbles up to the ceiling. “Eunice is the one who told you I was pregnant, isn’t she?”

  He nodded slowly. “I didn’t think any good could come from me telling you that, Katie. Figured it would only make things worse if you knew who’d told.”

  “You’re not my friend, and neither is Eunice!” Katie’s chin trembled, and her eyes filled with tears. “The next time I see her, I’m going to tell her what I think about the lies she’s been telling.”

  “Let me talk to Eunice,” Freeman was quick to say. “I’m sure I can get her to listen to reason and stop spreading such rumors.”

  “You can do whatever you want, but I doubt it’ll do any good.” Katie turned and fled the room.

  Freeman froze. Then he rushed out the door. He planned to stop by Eunice’s place on the way home and have a little talk with her!

  ***

  For the last twenty minutes, Eunice had been sitting on the front porch watching the sun go down and thinking about Freeman. When she spotted his horse and buggy pull into the yard, her heart lurched. She hadn’t expected to see him this soon, so this was a pleasant surprise.

  She resisted the urge to run out to his buggy but remained where she was so she wouldn’t appear too eager.

  Freeman stepped onto the porch, scowling.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You look uffriehrisch.”

  “I am agitated.” He flopped into the chair beside her and tapped his foot. “I just came from seeing Katie. She told me something I didn’t like at all.”

  “What was that?”

  “She said you told Loraine that Katie was planning to keep the baby she found, and worse than that, you said you thought Katie might be pregnant.” He frowned deeply. “You shouldn’t start rumors like that—especially when they’re not true.”

  “I wasn’t trying to start a rumor. I was only repeating something I’d heard someone else say.” Eunice flapped her hand like she was shooing away a pesky fly. “As I said before, Katie’s symptoms make me think she’s definitely pregnant.”

  Freeman shook his head. “I’m sure she’s not, but I’m really worried about her.”

  “How come?”

  “She’s going through a rough time right now and doesn’t need anything more to feel stressed about.”

  “What about me?” Eunice’s throat constricted. “Doesn’t it matter if I feel stressed out when I see Katie in your arms?”

  “What?”

  “I saw the two of you at the creek the day of your grossmudder’s funeral, and you were hugging her.” Tears welled in Eunice’s eyes.

  “It’s not what you think. I need you to understand how things are with me and Katie.”

  “How are things, Freeman?”

  “Katie and I are just good friends. I didn’t mean anything by the hug; I was only comforting her.”

  “Why would she need comforting? It was you who lost your grossmudder, not Katie.”

  A muscle in Freeman’s jaw quivered. “Katie’s going through some emotional problems right now, and since I’ve been through something similar, I think I can help her.”

  Eunice tipped her head and squinted at him. “What are you talking about?”

  “I used to have anxiety attacks.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Huh-uh!”

  “It’s true. When I was a buwe I had panic attacks just like Katie’s having now.”

  “Katie’s having panic attacks?”

  He nodded. “I figured you probably knew, since you seem to know everything else.”

  Eunice shook her head. “How would I know that? It’s not like Katie and I are best friends or anything. She doesn’t confide in me the way she does you.”

  Freeman’s face turned red, and he looked at Eunice with a pleading expression. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but I wanted you to realize that Katie’s not pregnant. I’m sure her symptoms are caused by the panic attacks she’s been having. Please don’t tell anyone what I told you about Katie.”

  She gave a noncommittal shrug.

  “I mean it, Eunice. Katie’s had enough gossip spread about her.”

  “What about you, Freeman?” she asked. “You wouldn’t want anyone knowing you used to have panic attacks, would you?”

  “It’s no big secret, and there’s no shame in admitting you’ve had some emotional problems, so if you feel the need to tell others about me, then go right ahead.”

  Eunice knew she’d never have Freeman for herself if she did that, so she smiled sweetly and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t say a word about you or Katie.”

  CHAPTER 32

  Katie’s heart pounded as she sat beside Mom in the counselor’s office on Friday morning. She’d done okay on the drive here, but now, faced with talking about things she’d rather not talk about, to a man she didn’t know, she felt on the verge of another panic attack.

  She glanced around the room, which was decorated in a western theme. It was neat and orderly, and the leather furniture had a strong odor. She felt uncomfortable.

  To make matters worse, ever since they’d come into the room, Mom had interrupted several times and kept answering most of the questions Dr. Coleman, the counselor, had asked Katie. Only a few time
s had Katie been able to respond herself, and that made her feel even more on edge.

  “What are you feeling right now?” Dr. Coleman asked Katie.

  “I ... I’m nervous, and I hope that I’m able to get over my panic attacks, but I feel that—”

  “Hope isn’t a feeling, Katie. Hope is something you do.” Mom looked over at the counselor and smiled. “Isn’t that right, Dr. Coleman?”

  “Yes, of course, but I think we should hear what your daughter has to say.” He nodded at Katie. “Go ahead.”

  Katie twisted her fingers around the narrow ribbon ties on her head covering. It wasn’t easy to talk about her feelings, especially to someone she’d just met.

  Mom nudged Katie’s arm. “You were saying that you hope you can get over the panic attacks.”

  Katie nodded. “But I have this feeling that I never will.”

  “Why do you think that?” Dr. Coleman asked.

  “Because the strange sensation I get when I have an attack seems to be getting worse, and—and it is happening more often.”

  “Maybe that’s because you’re thinking about the panic attacks so much,” Mom said. “You might be bringing the attacks on by doing that. Don’t you agree, Dr. Coleman?”

  “It’s possible.” He looked back at Katie. “Could you describe the feelings you get when you have an attack?”

  Katie explained about the feelings of unreality, and how she often felt dizzy, nauseous, shaky, and like she couldn’t get her breath. “I just don’t understand why these feelings come on so quickly and with no warning.” She sighed as she shrugged her shoulders. “Then they disappear as quickly as they came. Whenever I’m expected to go anywhere, I get scared because I’m afraid it’ll happen again.”

  Dr. Coleman explained that everyone’s symptoms are different, and that Katie’s symptoms were fairly common among those who experienced panic attacks. “One of the strange things about a panic attack is that it usually subsides as quickly as it started.” He tapped his pen against the edge of his desk a few times. “Feeling short of breath is a common symptom of panic attacks, but it’s not dangerous.”

  “What causes that to happen?” Mom wanted to know.

  “It happens when a person breathes from the chest and not the diaphragm.” He looked at Katie again. “What is the worst thing a panic attack ever did to you, Katie?”

  She shrugged. “I guess it was when I passed out in church.”

  “That could have been because it was such a warm day,” Mom put in. “You’ve never fainted before, so I’m sure the heat we had that day was the cause.”

  “Jah, maybe so,” Katie mumbled. Why did Mom think she had all the answers?

  Dr. Coleman looked at Katie. “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me about your panic attacks?”

  “I ... I don’t think so.”

  “I mentioned that panic attacks can trick a person’s mind into thinking there’s danger. Do you have any questions about that?” he asked.

  Katie opened her mouth to respond, but Mom cut in again. “I read a little in a book about panic attacks that Katie got from one of her friends. It said that a person’s supposed to decide whether the feelings they have during a panic attack are dangerous or just uncomfortable.”

  Dr. Coleman nodded. “That’s true. Most of the feelings a person might encounter during a panic attack are uncomfortable but not dangerous. So asking yourself that question is a good way to gauge whether you should be concerned about the feelings you’re having.”

  “That makes sense to me,” Mom said. She asked Dr. Coleman a few more questions and gave her opinion on several more things.

  Katie frowned. Why is Mom talking so much and answering questions that are meant for me? It’s as though Mom thinks she’s the patient instead of me.

  Katie leaned her head back and let her mind wander as Mom went on and on about some other things she’d read in the book on panic attacks. I wonder if Freeman talked to Eunice about the lies she’s been telling about me. Should I say something to Mom about this, or would it be better to wait until I talk to Freeman again to find out how things went? If I tell Mom, she’ll probably say more on the subject than I want her to say, and she might want to talk to Eunice herself. That would really be embarrassing.

  Dr. Coleman cleared his throat loudly and looked at his watch. “We’re almost out of time for this session, but I’d like to see Katie again next Friday, and then we’ll delve deeper into the mystery of panic attacks.” He handed Katie a notebook. “I’d like you to make a list of the fears you have during a panic attack, and it’s also a good idea if you keep a panic journal and record every panic attack you have and how you feel during the attack.”

  “We’ll be here next Friday, and I’ll make sure Katie does her homework,” Mom said before Katie could respond. She rose from her chair and motioned for Katie to do the same.

  Katie stood and started for the door, more than anxious to go. Today had gone even worse than she’d expected.

  “Why don’t you wait out in the waiting room, Katie?” Dr. Coleman said. “I’d like to speak with your mother for a few minutes.”

  Katie gave a quick nod and hurried from the room. She was glad the session was over and wished she could talk Mom into staying home next week. But that would mean she’d have to come alone, and that thought caused her stomach to plummet like a roller coaster ride.

  ***

  JoAnn seated herself and waited for Dr. Coleman to speak.

  He folded his hands on his desk and leaned slightly forward. “When you bring Katie here next week, I think it would be best if you stay in the waiting room while she’s in talking to me.”

  JoAnn bristled, and she clenched her fingers so hard that they turned numb. “How come?”

  “I know you’re concerned about your daughter, but if Katie’s going to make any kind of progress, she needs to feel free to say what’s on her mind without interruptions or distractions.”

  “Did I talk too much today? Is that the problem?”

  “You did tend to monopolize the conversation quite a bit.” He picked up his pen and tapped it against the edge of his desk. “Katie needs the freedom to express herself without fearing that you might disapprove. She needs to know that—”

  “I don’t disapprove! I’m just concerned about my daughter and want her to get better.”

  “So do I,” he said with a nod. “However, I think we’ll make more headway if I’m able to speak with Katie alone.”

  “I ... I see. I’ll do as you wish.” JoAnn stood and hurried from the room. Maybe she’d made a mistake in bringing Katie here!

  When she entered the waiting room, she found Katie standing in front of the window with her head bowed and her hands folded as if she was praying.

  JoAnn touched Katie’s shoulder. “I’m ready to go. Our driver should be waiting for us.”

  Katie turned around. “What’d Dr. Coleman say to you?”

  JoAnn tucked a stray hair under the side of Katie’s head covering. Katie had obviously not done a good enough job with her hair this morning. “He asked if I’d wait out here during your next counseling session,” she said with a huff. “I’m not the least bit happy about it, either. I’m your mudder, and it’s my place to be with you when you’re talking to him.”

  “I think you should stay home next week, Mom.”

  “What?”

  “It made me feel naerfich having you here today. I felt like I couldn’t really say what was on my mind.”

  “I’ll do as Dr. Coleman suggested and wait out here so you’ll be free to say whatever you want to him, but I won’t stay home.”

  Katie dropped her gaze to the floor. “You need to take care of the store.”

  “That’s not as important as being with you. I’m sure our customers will understand if the stamp shop is closed for a few hours. Besides, we haven’t been that busy lately.”

  Katie’s jaw clenched, and a muscle in her cheek quivered. “I ... I’d rather come
here alone.”

  JoAnn was tempted to argue further, but she didn’t want to make a scene in front of the other people waiting in the room. She slipped her arm around Katie’s waist and whispered, “We can talk about this later.”

  ***

  When Katie opened the door to the stamp shop that afternoon, she discovered an envelope with her name on it.

  “Who’s that from?” Mom asked, following Katie into the shop.

  “I don’t know.” Katie tore open the envelope, slipped behind the counter, and silently read the note:

  Dear Katie,

  I spoke with Eunice the other day, and she said she wasn’t trying to start a rumor about you and that she won’t tell anyone else. I hope you believe that I didn’t betray your trust. I’m really sorry if I said anything to upset you. Seems like I’ve been opening my big mouth a lot lately, saying things that get me in trouble.

  Freeman

  Mom stepped up to Katie and nudged her arm. “Well, who’s it from?”

  “Freeman Bontrager.”

  “What’d he have to say?”

  “He ... uh ... just wanted to explain something to me.” Katie quickly slipped the note into her purse, hoping Mom wouldn’t press for details. She was relieved when Mom said she had some things to do in the house and left the shop.

  Katie leaned against the counter and folded her arms. Guess I’d better accept Freeman’s apology. He did sound sorry, and it’s the right thing to do. I just hope Eunice stops gossiping about me.

  The bell on the shop door jingled, and Ella and Loraine stepped in. “We came a little early to look around before we do our stamping together,” Ella said.

  Katie’s face warmed. Thanks to the stress of the day, she’d forgotten about their plans.

  “I invited Eunice to join us this evening, but she’s selling candles and scented soaps now, and she said she has a party to do somewhere out of our district,” Ella explained.

  “Ada’s hosting one of Eunice’s candle parties next week,” Loraine said. “Would either of you like to go?”