Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  Last night she had barely been able to cope with her grief, and the weight of life itself had seemed too heavy to bear, but this afternoon she had played pirates with Emily and had thoroughly enjoyed herself. The contradiction was confusing. She thought about Judith, a devoted mother, tired, but patient: a mother who wanted the best for her child, but going without it herself. She wondered whether Maurice would have agreed with her approach to the pirate issue. She couldn’t believe she had been so stubborn. She would have given Maurice anything she wanted, except the thing she wanted most. She had always known that Maurice would have been a great mother, but she’d been convinced that she herself wouldn’t. The idea of bringing up a child had seemed too daunting, and although she still felt that way, she couldn’t believe she had let her fears get the better of her. She turned to face Maurice’s side of the bed, imagining her there, beside her, sleeping softly. She remembered the softness of her lips and the gentleness of her touch. Their absence burned her skin. Their lovemaking had sometimes been spontaneous and quick, the urgency too much, but mostly it had been intensely intimate and deeply passionate. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the memory and calm the familiar consuming ache inside her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop missing her.

  Chapter Nine

  Lizzy had slept poorly. Visions of Judith and Maurice had consumed her dreams, their faces mixing together to form the face of a child. She’d awoken feeling exhausted and hadn’t felt up to seeing anyone, so she’d made a few quick phone calls to rearrange her appointments, then settled down in her study to work, hoping to banish the echoing whispers of her dreams.

  It was late afternoon when her concentration was abruptly disturbed by the ringing of the phone next to her desk. Trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice, she took the call. “Lizzy speaking.”

  “Could I speak to Miss Judith Hilford please?”

  “Judith isn’t here at the moment…” Lizzy glanced at her watch and saw it was nearly five o’clock. “But she should be back at any moment. Can I pass on a message?”

  “Yes, could you tell her Yvonne from Top Line has called and that we have more work available? It’s evening work from five to eight starting Monday, and to call me before ten tomorrow if she wants it?”

  “Sure. I’ll tell her as soon as she gets in.”

  Lizzy knew that Judith wanted more hours and that this was supposed to be good news, but a part of her wished that Judith didn’t have to do this work and that she could go back to teaching, where her heart lay.

  It was half past five when Judith and Emily returned, and she went to greet them.

  “Lizzy!” Emily’s face was full of delight. “Can we play pirates later? Please, please?”

  “Emily!” Judith’s tone was more cautionary than a rebuff.

  Lizzy enjoyed seeing the sparkle in Emily’s eyes and couldn’t help herself. “If your mom says it’s okay.”

  Emily looked up at Judith expectantly and Judith gently patted the top of her head. “First your homework.”

  “Yippee! Thanks, Mom, thanks, Lizzy.” She skipped down the hall toward her bedroom.

  Lizzy turned to Judith. “The agency called while you were out.”

  Judith stopped unbuttoning her coat, her expression hopeful. Lizzy knew Judith was hoping for a teaching position and wished she could tell her what she wanted to hear, but instead relayed the message as she had been given it.

  Judith’s expression turned sullen as soon as Lizzy mentioned the hours they were offering her. She finished unbuttoning her coat, hung it up, and pushed some loose strands of hair behind her ears before responding. “I can’t do late-afternoon work. I’ve got a child to look after. I told them that when I signed up.”

  Although Judith’s tone was neutral, Lizzy picked up on her frustration. She appreciated that being a single parent wasn’t easy and understood how much Judith wanted to make things right for Emily. She wanted to say something encouraging, but knew it would only sound flimsy under the circumstance.

  “I’m sorry, Lizzy. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because I am grateful for what they’ve done for me so far. It’s just—”

  “I understand, and you have every right to feel frustrated. What you’re trying to do isn’t easy.”

  Judith tilted her head slightly and spoke tenderly. “You’re very attentive to other people’s feelings, aren’t you?”

  Judith’s remark made Lizzy feel very uneasy and she wished she was back in the sanctuary of her study. She tried to sound as casual as she could. “No more than anybody else.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “Anyway, I have to get back to work.” Judith nodded and Lizzy turned and left her alone in the hall. She felt like a jerk for leaving her like that, but she just couldn’t cope with dealing with that kind of scrutiny.

  She tried to concentrate on her work again, but thoughts of Judith’s predicament kept creeping in. She knew Judith needed money if she was to support herself and this evening work would give her that extra she needed, but she couldn’t do that and look after Emily at the same time. Lizzy pushed back in her chair, annoyed at herself. She could easily make it home for the afternoons to babysit Emily—at least until they started shooting, and that wouldn’t be for another good few weeks. So why wasn’t she offering to help? She shook her head, frustrated. She wasn’t offering because she was afraid of getting even more involved with them than she already was, and she was scared she wouldn’t be able to handle any more. Cussing at herself, she stood and headed toward the living room.

  Judith was seated on one of the couches with a steaming mug in her hand. She looked haggard and was staring out in front of her lost in thought. Lizzy sat on the opposite couch and took a deep breath.

  “If you want, I could make it back for the afternoons and keep an eye on Emily for you, at least for the next few weeks.”

  “I know you mean well, Lizzy, but I couldn’t let you do that.”

  “It wouldn’t be a problem. I’d only have to make a few phone calls and rearrange a few things, but—”

  “There’s more to looking after a child than just keeping an eye on her, Lizzy. She would need to be fed, her homework checked, tucked into bed. I mean, have you ever taken care of a child before? And I’m not talking about playing pirates for an afternoon.”

  Judith’s question hit home and Lizzy felt a wave of guilt toward Maurice sweep over her. Her chest immediately started churning and she did her best to respond calmly.

  “No. I haven’t, but I wasn’t offering to be her mother when you weren’t around. I just simply meant you could go and work the evening shift if you wanted, knowing that your daughter would at least be safe.” With every word her chest grew heavier and she stood. “I would never presume to know what being a parent is about, and I certainly would not presume to be able to fulfill the task.”

  She strode out of the room and headed straight for her study, wishing she had never offered her help in the first place. She needed things to be simple. She couldn’t go on if things weren’t kept simple.

  *

  Judith walked down the hall to her bedroom, consciously aware that she was passing Lizzy’s study. Her legs felt heavy as well as her heart. She hadn’t meant to be so rough on her. She knew Lizzy meant well, but the idea of needing someone’s help to look after Emily only enforced the reality that she couldn’t do this alone. She was doing her best, but somehow it just didn’t seem to be enough. She also knew that she would have to contact Menno soon, and that weighed heavily on her mind. She thought back to her life only a few weeks ago. It seemed so strange now, like a distant dream, but she hadn’t dreamed it. It had been her reality for years. When had it started to go wrong? Had it ever really been right? If her father were alive, what would he think of her now?

  She slowly undressed and pulled on some comfortable clothing. She would have preferred going to bed, but she still had dinner to cook and Emily’s homework to check. As she retied her hair she thought about Lizzy an
d her incredible offer. It seemed as if Lizzy was always either offering her support or backing away from her. Judith had felt too tired to take her proposal seriously, but there was something about the way Lizzy had responded to her that made her think nothing Lizzy did or said was without weight. Although quick to avoid anything that could be considered personal, Lizzy was certainly not superficial.

  *

  A soft knock on her door caused Lizzy to look up. Emily was hovering just inside the doorway already dressed in her homemade pirate costume. Lizzy wasn’t in the mood for playing anymore, but Emily’s face shone bright with excitement and Lizzy didn’t have the heart to disappoint her.

  “Aha! I take it your homework’s finished, then?”

  Emily’s eyes were big as saucers as she nodded.

  “Well then, let me just put this away…” Lizzy picked up a piece of paper and placed it inside a drawer, but it was the same drawer she had put her own cardboard sword in. With one swift movement, she grabbed her sword, turned, and shouted playfully, “En garde!”

  Emily let out a squeal and then stabbed the air with her own sword. They battled up and down the hall, taking turns being slaughtered only to rise with a sudden burst of energy to fight the enemy again. One would be on the ground with a sword pointed at her chest while the other demanded, “Surrender or die.” To which the other would shout, “Never!” and the attack would commence.

  Lizzy was enjoying herself, but was relieved when Judith called Emily for dinner. Panting, she stepped back.

  “I thinks the captain be wantin’ ya in ’er cabin.”

  Emily’s face was red from all of the running around and her eyes sparkled. “I’m a pirate. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.”

  Lizzy approached her slowly, lowering her voice in an attempt to sound menacing.

  “Aye, but that’s where ya wrong. A pirate must always do what ’er captain tells ’er to do, or else…” Lizzy pretended to look sideways as if making sure no one was listening. “Ya’ll be made to walk the plank.”

  Emily’s expression was challenging, but Lizzy could tell she was trying to work it out. “What’s that?”

  “Aye, that’s somethin’ every pirate dreads, but I’ll tell ya’s about it after ya’ve been to see ya captain.”

  Emily’s expression turned defiant. “Tell me now.”

  Lizzy stepped aside and put a finger to her mouth and whispered, “Later. Now go before the captain catches us speakin’.”

  Emily stood for a moment longer, then put a finger to her own mouth and whispered back, “Later.”

  Lizzy marveled at Emily’s indefatigable energy as she watched her run down the hall toward the living room. She headed back to her study and was in the process of placing her sword back in its drawer when there was another gentle knock at her door. She turned expecting to see Emily again, but was surprised to find Judith standing there.

  “This captain wants to be knowin’ whether this pirate will be a comin’ to dinner or not?”

  Lizzy hadn’t expected the invitation, not after what had transpired between them earlier, and she felt uncomfortable with the idea of sitting with them at the table. She opened her mouth to decline, but Judith quickly continued, no longer playful.

  “I’d like it if you did.”

  She said it so meaningfully that Lizzy realized Judith regretted what had happened just as much as she did, and this was her way of making things right between them again. Judith’s initiative deserved willingness and Lizzy knew she had to accept.

  *

  The night air was nippy, but Lizzy ignored the discomfort, concentrating instead on lighting up her cigarette. She knew that Maurice would strongly disapprove and she tried to imagine what she would say if she caught her out there. The bay door behind her slid open and Judith stepped onto the terrace. She was in her pajamas but had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.

  “May I join you?”

  Lizzy would have preferred to be alone, but couldn’t find it in herself to say so. “Sure.”

  Judith closed the door behind her before joining Lizzy at the railing. “Those things could kill you, you know.”

  Lizzy flicked the ash of her cigarette. “Yep, so could a million other things.”

  A few moments passed while they both stared into the clouded night sky. They hadn’t yet talked about what had happened between them earlier, and even though she would prefer to leave it that way, Lizzy guessed that Judith had come out there just for that reason. After dinner she had retreated back to her study in the hope of losing herself in her work again, but she hadn’t been able to concentrate. She felt stupid for having offered to look after Emily and couldn’t ignore the lingering feeling of remorse she felt toward Maurice. She had stayed in her study until she knew Judith had gone to bed. Only then did she decide to call it quits for the night, thinking it would be safe to come out and enjoy a private smoke before going to bed.

  “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I was feeling tired and frustrated and I let that out on you. It was unfair of me to do so.”

  Lizzy managed a slight smile. “Don’t worry about it. You were right anyway. I have no idea what it takes to look after a child. It was a stupid idea.”

  Judith was quick to continue. “Please don’t say that. I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sure you’d make a great parent, and it wasn’t a stupid idea. It was an extremely kind offer.” Judith turned to face her. “I think that’s my problem.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “It’s just, well, I don’t know anyone who would have been as kind to us as you have and still seem prepared to do more for us, and it’s making me feel even more awkward than I already do. I guess I need to understand why you’re doing this.”

  “It’s no big deal, Judith.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “Well, it isn’t.”

  “If it’s no big deal, then why do you try to avoid talking about it?”

  Lizzy rubbed her left temple that had started throbbing. “Please don’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Make things complicated.”

  “How am I making things complicated?” Judith sounded confused.

  Lizzy didn’t respond and Judith continued in a gentle voice. “What happens to you at these moments?”

  Lizzy’s stomach lurched and for a moment she thought she was going to throw up. She tightened her grip on the railing. “Nothing, just leave it, will you?”

  “Is it because of me?”

  “No. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

  “Is it because of us being here?”

  Lizzy spun around. “Does there have to be a reason for everything?”

  Judith didn’t reply, merely looked back at her with a mixture of confusion and compassion. Lizzy quickly turned away and headed indoors, but stopped and took a deep breath before turning back to face Judith.

  “I know how hard it is to accept help, believe me…” Lizzy swallowed hard. “Because it only proves to you that you need it. I’ve offered you my help because I knew it was the right thing to do, and that’s all there is to it. It really is as simple as that, for me anyway. Why can’t you just accept that?”

  “Because nothing is ever that simple, Lizzy.”

  “Exactly. Life is complicated enough, so what’s wrong with trying to keep things simple if it helps you get by?”

  “Because the type of simplicity you’re implying is unrealistic.”

  “Well, it’s the only way I know how to cope with reality.” Lizzy’s voice nearly broke and she turned abruptly and left the terrace.

  Judith turned back to face the night sky. Her heart was racing and she felt terrible.

  She’d come out to apologize and somehow she’d gone and made it worse. She wiped a tear away. Maybe Lizzy was right. Maybe the best way to cope was to keep it all as simple as possible. She shivered in the night air and pulled the shawl tighter around her shoulders, wishing she didn’t feel so alon
e.

  Chapter Ten

  Lizzy found herself walking down a long, dark tunnel. She couldn’t see where she was going and reached out, feeling cold, damp stones. She wasn’t scared, but she was acutely aware of an overwhelming sense of urgency. Suddenly the floor gave way and she was falling, faster and faster down a black shaft. She relaxed and waited to smash into the ground, but the inevitable collision never happened. Instead she just kept falling. Windows appeared in the wall of the shaft and behind each one stood Maurice, watching her fall, looking immensely sad. Lizzy knew she was the cause of her sadness and tried to reach out to her, but as she did so she understood why Maurice was sad. She was sad because Lizzy didn’t care that she was falling. Then she had the overwhelming feeling that there was something she was supposed to be doing, but she had no idea what. As she tried to figure out what, her fall slowed until her feet gently touched the floor.

  Lizzy turned onto her back and groaned. Her head was throbbing and her mouth was dry. She slowly opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the light coming through the window. She could hear noise in the distance and figured Emily was up watching a cartoon. She remembered her conversation with Judith on the terrace and quickly pulled the sheet over her head, cringing. She hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, or weak, but somehow things had gotten the better of her. She curled up under the sheets, telling herself that if she just stayed in bed she could pretend everything was okay and she wouldn’t have to face Judith. Then she let out a slow growl. She knew she couldn’t hide there all day. Hiding didn’t solve things. She’d tried it before and it hadn’t worked. She shoved back the sheets and forced herself to get up. She owed Judith an apology, and although she had no idea what to say, she knew she had to face the music.

  *

  Judith was in the kitchen absentmindedly watching Emily as she watched her cartoons. She was thinking about the conversation or, better put, the exchange of words she had had with Lizzy last night. It had unnerved her and she’d slept poorly because of it.