Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  One of the reasons she had left Menno was that he wouldn’t allow her the freedom to decide things for herself. Now that she had that freedom, it scared the life out of her. Deciding to accept someone else’s help, no matter how small or how big the offer, meant two things: one, that she had to make yet another important decision; and two, that she couldn’t yet make it through life on her own, which only reinforced her feelings of inadequacy. Her need to understand Lizzy’s motives was her way of trying to cope with these feelings and somehow make it easier to accept. She just didn’t want to make things worse than they already were, and she didn’t think it fair that another person should have to rearrange her life to accommodate hers. It was clear to her that something was going on with Lizzy. Something she didn’t yet understand, and although Lizzy had denied it, Judith knew their presence had certainly triggered whatever it was, and she hated the idea that she was somehow responsible for any discomfort Lizzy might feel.

  Her mind snapped back to the present when Lizzy entered the room. She looked as tired as Judith felt, and Judith guessed that Lizzy had had a bad night’s sleep as well. She filled the kettle with water, wondering what she should say, but Lizzy spoke first.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  Judith flipped the lid on the kettle shut and switched it on. “No, you don’t.”

  “Yes, I do. I wasn’t particularly nice to you last night.”

  Judith stared at the kettle. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”

  “You didn’t push me to do anything. I…I went into defense mode and spoke without thinking.”

  Lizzy’s humbleness was endearing and Judith turned to face her properly, sincerely wanting to understand her. “Why is that, Lizzy? Why do you go into defense mode?”

  Lizzy rubbed the back of her neck as she struggled to answer.

  “I…I…Does it matter why?”

  Judith was momentarily at a loss for words. In the instant that their eyes had locked, she had glimpsed that pain again. It had for the briefest of moments flickered bare before the very tangible barrier had shot up, hiding it from sight. She held Lizzy’s defiant stare and realized that what Lizzy was carrying inside her was so painful she felt she needed to hide it from the world. Judith felt an enormous amount of affection for her.

  “If something didn’t matter, Lizzy, there would be no need in hiding from it.”

  Lizzy opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it again and started rubbing her left temple. She looked so lost that if Lizzy had been a child, Judith would have picked her up and comforted her. Instead she finished making her a cup of tea.

  *

  Judith wiped bathwater out of her eyes while chiding herself for not having anticipated the shower. She was helping Emily bathe and had just told her that she was going to buy her a new winter coat in the morning. Emily’s excitement had caused a cascade of water to fly up, half drenching Judith in the process. Earlier that morning, after dropping Emily off at school and with only a few moments to spare before her first cleaning assignment, she’d gone to the nearest ATM and had excitedly punched in her new code to her new bank account. She had held her breath and crossed her fingers and prayed that her first week’s pay was in. When she saw the numbers appear on the screen she had quickly clasped her mouth as relief cascaded through her body and soul. It wasn’t much, but she would be able to give Lizzy some money, and more importantly, she would be able to get Emily the new coat she needed.

  “I wish it was tomorrow already.”

  Judith helped Emily out of the bath and started drying her off. “Emily, you shouldn’t wish your days away.”

  “Can I have a pink coat?”

  Judith did her best to keep her dislike of the idea out of her voice. “Let’s wait and see, shall we.”

  “Can we stop for a burger?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Can Lizzy come?”

  Judith hadn’t expected that request and was surprised that Emily had asked. It had been ages since she had had some real quality time with Emily and she was looking forward to it.

  She helped Emily into her pajamas. “I think Lizzy has more important things to do than go shopping with us, sweetheart.”

  “Can I ask her, please, Mommy?”

  Judith didn’t expect that Lizzy would like the idea of gallivanting around town for a kid’s coat, especially after the way things had been going between them the last few days, but Emily was already scrambling to her feet. “Yippee! I’ll go ask her straight away.”

  “Hold on, I never said…” But it was too late. She’d hesitated too long and now Emily had taken off. Judith remained seated on the edge of the bath trying to understand her feelings. On the one hand she was glad that Emily and Lizzy were getting along, but she also worried that Emily might be getting too attached to her. After all, she wasn’t planning on staying here long. She could tell by the fast patter of Emily’s feet coming back down the hall that her charm had gotten her what she wanted.

  After finally getting Emily to settle down for the night, she decided to tackle the dishes before retiring to her own room, but was pleasantly surprised to find them done already. She started making herself a hot cup of chocolate when she heard keys in the front door. She hadn’t noticed Lizzy leave and had just presumed she was still in her study. She had a flashback to the night when Lizzy had walked in unexpectedly and she cringed inwardly. Lizzy entered the living room and misinterpreted Judith’s expression.

  “Did I startle you?”

  “No, no, I just hadn’t noticed you’d left.”

  Lizzy lifted the DVD she was holding. “I fancied watching a movie.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Judith was surprised by Lizzy’s answer. “You rented a movie, but you don’t know which one?”

  “Yeah, well, it was hard choosing.” Lizzy sounded shy. “I haven’t rented a movie in a long time. In the past I watched so many it was hard finding one I hadn’t seen. Now there are so many new movies I couldn’t choose, so I just picked the one right in front of me. The boy at the counter said it was a good one, though.”

  Judith smiled at Lizzy’s strange decision-making process.

  Lizzy seemed to hesitate. “Do you want to watch it with me?”

  Judith couldn’t remember when she had last sat to watch a good movie, and the idea suddenly seemed very appealing.

  “That depends. If you’ve picked a horror I’ll have to skip it. I watched a movie about ghouls when I was fourteen and I still feel the urge to look under my bed.”

  “Yeah, you and half the world’s population.”

  Judith enjoyed Lizzy’s laughter. There was openness and honesty in it and she thought it a shame that Lizzy didn’t laugh more often.

  Two hours later the credits rolled up the screen and Judith turned to face Lizzy, who was sitting at the other end of the couch.

  “Thank you. I enjoyed that.”

  “You’re welcome.” Lizzy stood and started to remove the DVD and Judith remembered Emily’s invitation to join them in the morning.

  “About tomorrow, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I know how hard it is to deny a kid when they stand in front of you all sweet and eager.”

  “It’s true I find it difficult to deny such a cute face and she did catch me off guard, but I gave her my word. Unless, of course, you want to be alone with her. I can understand you might want some time with just the two of you.”

  Judith marveled at Lizzy’s attentiveness and felt a little childish for originally being opposed to her joining them.

  “No, no, join us. Emily really wants you to come, and I’m going to need all the moral support I can get when it comes to choosing the color.”

  Lizzy raised her eyebrows and Judith smiled. “You’ll find out soon enough tomorrow.”

  “If you want we could take my car. I have an inner-city parking permit. Saves a lot of hassle with public transport on a Saturday.”


  “Oh well, if there’s a car service involved.” Judith wriggled her eyebrows, pretending that solved the matter.

  Lizzy laughed and Judith found herself looking forward to tomorrow again.

  *

  Judith closed the door to the lady’s restroom behind her and immediately recognized Emily’s laughter among the noisy bustle of the café. The sound warmed her soul, but also panicked her. They’d already been hunting for a coat for a few hours before they had decided to stop and have a bite to eat, and Emily was just as excited as she had been when she’d woken that morning. Lizzy had been nothing but patient and attentive to Emily, but Judith was growing increasingly anxious that Lizzy would soon get irritated by Emily’s constant chatter. As she approached their table she saw what was making Emily laugh. Lizzy was flipping a coaster from off the edge of the table and then catching it in midair. Emily’s attempts at copying her meant the coaster kept shooting off in all directions. It was so clear that Emily was enjoying herself without fear of reprimand and Lizzy was helping create that feeling. The idea that somebody else besides herself could show such interest in Emily made her want to cry. She drew in a long breath and told herself to relax and just go with the flow.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent going in and out of shops until Emily finally found a coat she insisted was exactly what she wanted. Judith struggled not to burst out laughing when she noticed Lizzy’s expression as Emily reached for a bright pink coat, but also felt a surprising surge of warmth toward her when Emily came out of the cubicle asking her what she thought. Lizzy stated without hesitation and with convincing enthusiasm that she thought the coat looked great. Judith knew that Emily would probably outgrow it in a year’s time and hoped she’d be done with the color pink by then.

  By the time they got back Judith’s feet were killing her and she was looking forward to relaxing with a nice cup of tea. While Emily dashed to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror, Judith headed straight for kitchen to fill the kettle. She realized that Lizzy was watching her with a grin.

  “What?”

  “I’m having a bad influence on you.” Lizzy nodded toward the kettle. “You haven’t even taken your coat off and you’re already making tea.”

  “It’s the pink. It’s scrambled my brains.”

  Lizzy rolled her eyes and smiled. “Yeah, I know what you mean, but she does look cute in it.”

  “Yeah, but then again, my girl looks cute in anything.”

  “Like mother, like daughter.”

  To Judith’s horror she felt herself blush. Lizzy seemed to notice and stopped grinning and quickly changed the conversation. “How about I order us some pizza or something?”

  Emily walked in just at that moment and squealed her opinion on the matter. “Pizza? Oh please, Mommy!”

  “I could also pick up another movie if you like.”

  Judith did feel too tired to cook and she was still reveling in the casualness of the day, but she also knew it didn’t really matter how she felt. She looked back and forth between the two of them and knew it was already a done deal.

  Emily went with Lizzy to get the pizza and help pick out a movie and Judith stayed behind so she could change into something more comfortable and make a quick salad to go with the pizza. She thought back on the day. Despite her apprehension throughout the first part of it, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed herself so much. It had been great to spend a whole day with Emily and it had been great sharing it with Lizzy. To realize she had been holding her breath all morning waiting for the bubble to burst only reminded her why she had left Menno. She had unconsciously expected Lizzy to react like him, but she hadn’t. At no point ever had she lost patience with Emily. She had been kind and supportive in an unobtrusive manner. Judith let her head fall back against the back of the couch and wondered how on earth she had become a woman who let her actions and feelings be dictated so finely by another person. She remembered Lizzy’s words. “Like mother, like daughter.” Did Lizzy really think she was cute? She felt her cheeks burn again.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lizzy was just putting on her jacket when the phone rang.

  “Hey, guess who’s back? Did you miss me? You have to come over and see the awesome things I’ve brought back with me.”

  Lizzy could already imagine the large amount of completely useless tourist jumble Chris would have spent his money on.

  “I’m surprised that customs lets you back in the country every time, considering all the junk you bring back.”

  “Just for that I’m going to give your gift to the neighbor.”

  “Yeah right, give her my best regards.”

  Chris snorted. “So are you coming over or what?”

  “I can’t. It’s Wednesday. I’ve got to pick Emily up from school and I promised to take her to Vondelpark.”

  “Emily?” Chris sounded surprised.

  Lizzy kept quiet, waiting for the penny to drop.

  “Oh, my God, Lizzy. I thought Judith would be long gone by now. I was hoping she’d call me soon. So they’re still at your place, then?”

  “Yep.”

  “And you’re all right with that?”

  “We’re doing just fine, although our first introduction could have gone more smoothly. Look, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed yourself and that you got back safely, but I have to go or I’ll be late.”

  “Wait, pick me up too and we can talk in the park. It’s been ages since I last played on a swing.”

  “Be ready. I’m leaving now.”

  Before Chris had a chance to reply, she hung up and left.

  *

  Chris clambered into the car wearing a large-brimmed hat that had corks hanging on strings all around its brim.

  Lizzy shook her head. “You have to be kidding me.”

  Chris tried to look innocent. “What? The woman who sold it me said it made me look handsomely rugged.”

  “I have no doubt. I bet she had gold teeth as well.”

  Chris waved his hand in dismissal. “You’re just jealous. So tell me, what’s going on?”

  Lizzy shifted gear and pulled away from the curb. “There’s nothing to tell.”

  Chris looked at her incredulously. “What do you mean, there’s nothing to tell? When I left you weren’t picking up kids from school and taking them to the park.”

  “Hey, when I left I didn’t have a woman and her child living in my place.”

  “Yeah, well, I gathered you wouldn’t mind, and I knew they’d be gone by the time you got back.”

  “That’s just it, I was only gone a few days.”

  Chris’s eyes widened, then his body slumped over as he burst out laughing. When his head resurfaced, tears were rolling down his cheeks. He managed to stutter, “Oh, I wish I could have been there to see it. Oh, Lizzy, I’m so sorry. Tell me, I’ve got to know. What happened?”

  She would have preferred not to tell him, but she knew he would just keep on bugging her about it forever until she did, so, reluctantly she told him what had happened in France up until the moment she switched on her own hall light. She had to pause at that specific moment, because Chris was buckling over with laughter again. Lizzy merely concentrated on the traffic and waited patiently.

  By the time they reached the school Chris was calming down, shaking his head and wiping away the last of his tears.

  “God, Lizzy, you never cease to amaze me. I mean, I knew you wouldn’t mind me letting them stay at your place while you were gone, but that you let them stay on! So I take it you’re all getting along fine, then?”

  Lizzy shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “So how come you’re picking up the little one?”

  While she kept an eye out for Emily, Lizzy explained how Judith had managed to get work in the homecare sector and that it was easier for Lizzy to pick Emily up from school on Wednesdays due to their schedules.

  Less than half an hour later Emily was scrambling alongside other children on a jungle gym and Lizzy and Chris we
re seated on a bench nearby keeping an eye on her.

  “So tell me, how are you doing, honestly?” Chris was no longer teasing her and a part of Lizzy wished he were so that she wouldn’t have to answer his questions.

  “Fine. We’re just about ready to start shooting. Things are going unnaturally well. The whole crew is waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

  “That’s great, Lizzy, but I meant how are you doing?”

  They’d been friends long enough to know when the other was deflecting and cared enough about each other to try and prick through the barrier, but Lizzy wasn’t in the mood for sharing her feelings. She hadn’t been in a long time.

  “Like I said, fine. How about you and Tom? Frightened any crocodiles while you were over there?”

  “Jeez, Liz, you’re going to have to come up with another answer to that question. It would make it all that more believable.”

  “What? You asked me how I was and I told you fine. It’s not my fault you don’t believe me.”

  Chris shook his head, but let the matter go. “Have you got plans for Friday night?”

  “No, why?”

  “Well my neighbor mentioned that a new gay bar had opened while I was away and I was thinking of getting a group together to go check it out. What do you say?”

  “I don’t think so, Chris.”

  “Oh, come on, Lizzy. It is time for you to start having some fun again.”

  His words angered her and it cost her an enormous amount of strength not to lash out.

  Chris gently placed a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, Liz. I didn’t mean it like that. We miss you, that’s all.”

  Lizzy missed them too. She missed her old life, period, but without Maurice it would never be the same. How could she go out with her old friends and see them together with their partners while all she had was the vast void she carried inside her? She understood that to them three years might seem long enough for her to be able to move on, but how do you move on when a part of your soul is missing? Chris nudged her. “Apparently they’ve even got a pool table.” He wriggled his eyebrows.