Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  “Thank you, Lizzy, for all of it.”

  When Lizzy didn’t say anything she opened her eyes and found Lizzy looking at her in a way that immediately sent tingles down her spine, and before she knew what was happening, Lizzy kissed her. Her initial shock was quickly squashed by the overwhelming sensation of warm lips gently pressing against hers and she found herself opening her lips, deepening the kiss, pulling Lizzy in closer. Then she felt the tip of Lizzy’s tongue and fire thundered through her body, causing an involuntary moan to rise from within her and echo deep in the back of her throat.

  “Urm, excuse me?”

  They both jumped. Chris’s niece stood just a few feet away, smiling coyly, and Judith felt extremely embarrassed. She quickly turned away, unsure what to do with herself. Lizzy seemed to find some composure and approached the teenager and asked her, in a shaky voice, how much she owed her. While Lizzy paid her, Judith forced her wobbly legs to move and headed for her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She leaned back against it, lifting her fingers to her lips, where she still felt Lizzy’s touch. A part of her mind told her that it hadn’t happened, but her heart was still racing, proving it had. She tried to refocus her thoughts, but they were elusive, pushed to the outer corners of her spectrum by her body’s reaction.

  There was a knock and she jumped, her heart pounding faster as she listened to Lizzy’s softly spoken words.

  “Judith, are you okay?”

  Her heart dictated she open the door and reach out for her, but she felt paralyzed to do so by the confusing fluster of emotion that held her captive.

  Instead, she rested her head against the door and waited until she knew Lizzy was gone.

  *

  It cost Lizzy an enormous amount of effort to concentrate on her work. Her thoughts kept wandering back to what had happened the previous night, and when they did, feelings of arousal and shame washed over her. She had no idea how it had happened, but it had and the intense feeling of desire she had felt for Judith last night had taken her completely by surprise. One moment she was looking into her eyes and the next she was kissing her, and when she felt Judith kiss her back, a fire had ignited inside her. Her mind had struggled all day to understand it. Maurice was the only one for her. She was the one who had made her whole, and yet last night Lizzy had wanted only Judith, and when Judith had not answered her through her bedroom door it had felt like a knife to her heart.

  Lizzy had no idea what she was going to say or do when she saw Judith again, but when she finally made it home that night, she found the apartment shrouded in silence and darkness and her heart sank even lower. She didn’t need to check their bedrooms to know they were gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter, and for a moment she considered not reading it.

  Dear Lizzy,

  I’ve arranged for Emily and myself to stay at a hotel. I know you deserve more than a note and it is not my intention to hurt you, but I need some time to myself, and after last night I think this is best.

  I truly am sorry.

  Judith

  Lizzy stared at the note, unable to think or feel. As quickly as they had come into her life, they had left.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Lizzy rang Chris’s doorbell, hoping he was still up. He opened the door in his pajamas and was clearly surprised to find her standing on his doorstep so late at night.

  “Have you got a moment?”

  Chris stepped aside to let her in. “For you, always.” He led her into the living room. “Is something wrong?”

  Lizzy walked over to one of the tall windows and looked out into the night sky. Chris sat down and waited patiently for her to answer.

  “Judith’s left.”

  Chris looked surprised. “She never mentioned anything about leaving last night. Did she find herself a cheap flat or something?”

  Lizzy rubbed her forehead. “She’s checked herself into a hotel.”

  “Why on earth has she gone and done that?”

  Lizzy lowered her head. “To get away from me.”

  Chris shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand. I thought you were getting on. Even Tom noticed how happy you both were with each other last night.”

  Lizzy slowly moved away from the window, sat in one of the armchairs opposite Chris, and nervously tapped her fingers on the armrest.

  Chris leaned forward. “What is it I’m missing here? What’s happened?”

  Lizzy inhaled a deep breath. “We kissed.”

  Chris’s mouth dropped open. “You mean, really kissed?”

  Lizzy simply kept tapping away.

  Chris stammered. “When? I mean how…”

  “Last night, and I’m not exactly sure.”

  “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  “One minute we were talking, the next…” Lizzy shook her head and closed her eyes.

  “Did it go any further?” Chris asked tentatively.

  Lizzy quickly stood. “No.” She walked back to the window. “God, I wish it had never happened.” She rested her head against the windowpane. “The apartment is so quiet, Chris.”

  “Do you love her?”

  Lizzy responded agitatedly. “I don’t know what I feel.”

  Chris leaned back in his chair, obviously needing a moment to process what she was telling him. “Have you tried contacting her?”

  “Why would I do that? She left. She’s made it pretty clear she doesn’t want to see me, and besides, I don’t even know which hotel she’s staying at.”

  “You obviously care about her, a lot.”

  Lizzy closed her eyes and lowered her head.

  “It’s okay, Lizzy. It’s natural.”

  She spun around. “No, Chris, it’s not. I gave my everything to Maurice. I don’t think I have it in me to love again, and Judith deserves to be loved.”

  “It sounds to me as if you already love her.”

  Lizzy opened her mouth to refute him but knew in that instant that he was right. She rubbed the back of her neck in frustration. “Christ, Chris. I never expected this. I never thought I could…” She stammered, unable to finish her sentence.

  Chris stood and placed a hand on her shoulder. “What are you going to do?”

  Lizzy turned to look back out the window, searching for the answer, and sighed. “I don’t know.”

  *

  Judith couldn’t sleep. She felt too overwhelmed by contradictory emotions and couldn’t believe the position she’d put them in again. Things had been going so well, and somehow she’d gone and messed it all up. She’d been lucky to find a cheap hotel at such short notice, but the room was very small and Emily was thrashing about in her sleep next to her. Emily had been extremely upset about leaving Lizzy’s and it tore at Judith’s heart to know that her actions were causing her such distress. She felt guilty for separating them, knowing how fond they had grown of each other, and guilty for leaving the way she did.

  She had no idea how Lizzy felt about what happened between them, but she knew for certain she would be hurt by the way she had left. Leaving the note had been the cowardly way and was an affront to the friendship that had grown between them, but she’d been too scared to face her. She had never expected to find herself attracted to a woman, and although the revelation that she was had taken her by surprise, it wasn’t the fact that Lizzy was a woman that frightened her. It was the intensity of what she had felt that had scared her.

  Lizzy’s kiss had felt natural and exhilarating, and the connection she had felt with her had reached into her soul and had awoken in her a yearning she had never felt before. It compared to nothing she’d ever felt for anyone. Even when she’d first been in love with Menno, she had never felt that way when they’d kissed, and considering what had happened between her and Menno, the idea that she could feel so intensely about someone else scared the life out of her. She no longer trusted her own heart. She’d listened to it before and she’d only gotten hurt. Unsure what to do with her emotions, she’d panicked, scared
of making a mistake, but even now, despite her fear and confusion, she longed to see Lizzy. She fought the urge to call her, to hear her voice, to make sure she was all right, because she needed time. Time and space to sort out her feelings and to understand what they meant.

  *

  “So where’s the cheap labor?”

  Lizzy looked up from the script she was reading and found a very tired-looking Anita standing before her. She was sipping coffee from a large mug and offered Lizzy the other one she was holding. Everyone on set was now living on caffeine. They were in their final week of filming, and the demanding schedule was starting to take its toll on the cast and crew. Not only were they trying to keep to their deadline, but they were also trying to reshoot a few scenes they hadn’t initially planned on. This was the first Wednesday afternoon that Lizzy hadn’t needed to go pick up Emily from school and bring her to the studio, and she had hoped Emily’s absence would go unnoticed. She accepted the coffee Anita was offering her and hoped a stupid joke would suffice.

  “She found herself a better paying job.”

  “Cute! So, where is she?”

  Lizzy frowned. “She’s with her mom.”

  “Where’s the mom?”

  Lizzy had not yet told her that Judith and Emily were no longer living with her and she didn’t particularly want to tell her now. She would rather pretend that the whole thing had never happened, and she couldn’t do that if she had to talk about it. She tried to keep the frustration out of her voice. “What’s with all the questions?”

  “It’s a Wednesday, and normally at this time you’re rushing off to pick the little one up.”

  “Well, not this Wednesday.” Lizzy pretended to concentrate on the script again.

  Anita took another sip of her coffee and eyed Lizzy suspiciously. “Isn’t that play of hers coming up soon?”

  Lizzy kept staring at the script.

  “If my memory serves me correctly, it’s tomorrow night, isn’t it? I’ll bet you’ll be looking forward to that.”

  Lizzy knew better than most just how astute Anita could be, and she had the sinking feeling that she already knew. She slowly lifted her eyes and met Anita’s penetrating gaze.

  “My parents were always promising me things, Lizzy, as compensation for never being around, but they never kept their word. That hurt me more than the knowledge that they were too busy to make time for me. If you’ve promised the girl you’ll be there, then you need to be there. Whatever happened between you and Judith, that girl is owed her promise.”

  Anita’s words slowly fluttered their way past Lizzy’s denial and settled around her already heavy heart. She didn’t need Anita to remind her of the play. She’d been trying hard to put it at the back of her mind for the last few days, telling herself she had no right to be there and there was no way she could go.

  Anita started to move away, but Lizzy called after her.

  “How did you know?”

  Anita smiled affectionately. “For the past few months there was a light behind your smile. This past week you haven’t smiled once. It doesn’t take a genius to it figure out.”

  *

  Lizzy explained to the woman who was sitting behind a children’s desk just inside the school’s main entrance that she was there to see Emily Hilford perform in the play but that she had lost her ticket. She didn’t feel comfortable lying to the woman, especially as she seemed to be such a good soul, and if she’d believed in God she might have uttered a Hail Mary, but she didn’t have a choice, because she’d never been given a ticket.

  She had arrived a little late on purpose so as not to bump into Judith and was the only one left in the corridor except for the kind lady scanning a list of children’s names.

  “Ah, yes. Emily Hilford. Yes, two tickets were ordered and only one has been handed in tonight.” The woman scribbled something behind Emily’s name and with a cheerful smile gave Lizzy a stub of paper. “You’ve only missed a few minutes. Just go through those doors there to the left.”

  Lizzy thanked her as she pocketed the stub. Then she made her way quietly through the auditorium door. There was already a little boy on stage nervously introducing the story to all the parents and family members seated before him. Except for the stage, the auditorium was dark and everybody’s attention seemed to be focused on the little boy, so nobody seemed to notice her entering. She decided to stay where she was, at the back of the auditorium, and she leaned against the wall, waiting for Emily to appear.

  When Emily came charging onto the stage with her gang of pirates behind her, Lizzy felt an enormous sense of pride. She was acting her part so well: her sword held high, her voice clear and loud, and she had the pirate’s swagger down to perfection. Lizzy watched as Emily led her pirates into battle, struggling to defeat Peter Pan. She empathized with their capture and applauded the cunningness of their escape as they headed off into the sunset, planning their next attack.

  When the lights came on and the kids all walked back onstage together to take their bow, everybody rose and clapped enthusiastically, as did Lizzy. She could see Emily waving at someone in one of the front rows. She couldn’t see her from where she stood, but she knew it could only be Judith. It felt strange to be so close to them both and not be seen.

  The kids left the stage and the parents started making their way to the exit. Lizzy intended on leaving before the rest, but she found herself in the middle of a crowd. She was forced to patiently jostle alongside everybody else until she could slip through the auditorium doors only to find that people were lingering in the corridor, talking to one another about their kids. As politely as she could she pushed her way through them and was nearly at the exit when she heard Emily shout. “Lizzy!”

  She turned around to see Emily, still in her pirate’s costume, running toward her. Lizzy bent and caught her in her arms.

  “You came. I knew you would.”

  “Of course I did.” Lizzy hugged her back.

  “Was I okay?”

  Lizzy spoke with pride. “You were fantastic. Nobody could have done it better.”

  “Did you see the bit where I tackled Peter Pan and escaped out of his trap?”

  “Yep, I saw everything.” Lizzy loved the sparkle in her eyes.

  “Have you seen Mommy?”

  Lizzy only hesitated for a second before answering, “No, I haven’t.”

  “Shall I go find her?”

  Lizzy tapped the top of Emily’s hat playfully, trying to keep it lighthearted. “No. That’s okay. I’ll see her another time.”

  Emily’s face turned sullen. “Why can’t we live with you anymore?”

  Lizzy’s heart started pounding against her chest as she tried to think of a suitable answer and wondered what Judith had already told her.

  “Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. Your mother and I, we…we decided this was best.”

  Emily furrowed her eyebrows. “Do you want me to talk to her?”

  Emily’s innocence made Lizzy catch her breath. “No, sweetheart. Your mother and I will sort this out when the time is right.” Lizzy could only hope she was telling the truth. “Now, you need to go find her before she starts worrying about where you are.”

  Emily wrapped her arms around Lizzy’s neck and hugged her again, making it even harder for Lizzy to let her go. “Can I still come see you?”

  Lizzy couldn’t bring herself to say no and at the same time didn’t want to make things even more difficult for Judith, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Maybe we can sort something out if your mommy says it’s okay.”

  Lizzy’s words brought a smile back to Emily’s face and made their parting much easier.

  As Lizzy walked back to the car she thought about how much her life had changed.

  For more than ten years she had shared her life with a woman who had made her feel complete. Maurice’s death had torn a rift through her very existence, and her world had shattered into insignificant fragments that barely mi
rrored past happiness and promise. She had wanted to end her own life, unable to cope with the pain, anger, and emptiness that engulfed her, but in her desperate need to give Maurice her last wish, she had continued on.

  For three years she had managed to get up each morning and perform the practical necessities of life without zest. Then Judith and Emily had entered her life and somehow brought meaning back to it. Emily’s playful abandon had reminded Lizzy how beautiful life could be, and watching Judith struggle to redefine herself had given her a renewed insight to a life outside of her own misery. They had inadvertently enticed her to feel again and had ultimately given her a new sense of belonging.

  She’d lost Maurice and then herself, and now she felt she’d lost again.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The school bell rang and the kids rose to their feet, eager to escape school and head into the freedom of afterschool hours.

  Judith watched from behind her desk as her pupils disappeared into the school halls and realized she’d just survived her first day back at teaching again. It had been a nerve-racking experience, but as soon as she had walked into her first class of the day filled with young eager faces curiously watching her every move, she had known that she was finally back where she belonged.

  The realization filled her with a thrill of achievement and her first impulse was to call Lizzy to tell her all about it. Her heart sank as she remembered that that was no longer possible.

  She knew Lizzy had attended the play last week because Emily had told her. Emily was still upset about leaving Lizzy and had asked Judith every day since if they could go see her. It had made her day to know that Lizzy had come to watch her play. Judith hadn’t been surprised or upset about it. A part of her had known that Lizzy would turn up, because she had never yet let Emily down. Another part of her had secretly hoped that she would, so that she would have an excuse to see her. She missed her and wanted to reach out to her, to at least put things right between them. She felt she owed her that much, but every time she picked up the phone to call her, her nerves got the better of her.