Awakening to Sunlight

by Lindsey Stone

  For the past two weeks she had done little else but think about Lizzy and the way she made her feel. She had come to care for Lizzy a great deal during the past months and she had cherished the friendship that had developed between them, but somewhere along the way her feelings had grown into something more than just friendly affection. After dancing with Lizzy at Anita’s party she had been aware of this change, but she had tried to ignore it. Then Lizzy had opened up to her about her past and her feelings for her had only grown stronger, but still, she had tried to ignore their meaning. When Lizzy kissed her, she inadvertently tore down Judith’s fragile safety net, and Judith had felt compelled to run.

  She’d only just left a long-term relationship with a man who, at one point in her life, she had been convinced was the only one for her. Then, from one day to the next, she had found herself trying to make her way in a world she no longer recognized. That was scary enough, but to admit that she was maybe falling in love again, that was downright terrifying. The initial shock of Lizzy’s kiss and the intense feelings it had evoked had subsided and what remained was a longing to be with her. She now realized she had left Menno because she no longer loved him. She’d left Lizzy because she did.

  *

  Lizzy contemplated lighting up a cigarette. While Judith and Emily had been staying with her she had refrained from smoking indoors and had nearly stopped altogether, but now that she was alone again she couldn’t think of a good enough reason not to light one up. She got up to hunt for a packet when the doorbell rang. It was already late and she neither expected nor wanted company. She was still deciding whether to answer it or not when the doorbell rang a second time. With a reluctant sigh she headed out into the hallway and wearily opened the door. Her heart immediately started beating faster when she saw who it was.

  Judith smiled nervously. “Can I come in?”

  Lizzy didn’t know what to say and merely stepped back to let her in. As Judith passed her she caught a whiff of her perfume, and its scent tantalized her senses, reminding her just how much she had missed it. She closed the door and took a moment to gather herself before turning to face Judith.

  “Has something happened? Is Emily okay?”

  Judith answered quickly. “Yes, yes, she’s fine except for the fact that she’s not all that happy with me and she misses you.”

  Lizzy hated the idea that her actions were causing trouble between Emily and her mother. “I’m sorry I came to the play. It wasn’t my intention to make things harder for you or her.”

  “No, no, it was good you came. It was what she wanted.”

  An awkward silence fell between them. Lizzy still didn’t know why Judith was there so late at night and had no idea what she should do next.

  “Erm, do you want something to drink?”

  It seemed to take an eternity before Judith replied, and when she did it was nearly a whisper. “Emily’s not the only one who misses you.”

  Lizzy heard the words, she definitely heard the words, but did they mean what she thought they meant, what she hoped they meant? She realized how much she longed to take Judith into her arms, to feel her close again. The thought made her skin burn. She knew she was supposed to say something, but she didn’t know what. She couldn’t risk telling Judith what she was thinking or what she felt. Having her so close again felt so precious that she didn’t dare risk scaring her away again.

  She cleared her throat and tried to sound even. “I’ll make us something to drink.” She started moving away.

  “Lizzy, wait, please.”

  Lizzy felt Judith’s fingertips on her arm gently making her stop.

  “I’m sorry, I really am.” Judith stepped closer. “I ran away from you. What happened between us…I didn’t expect that from myself, I didn’t expect any of it.”

  Lizzy could hardly breathe. “Look, Judith, that night—”

  “I’m not just talking about that night. I’m talking about all of it. The way you were with Emily, the things you did for us. The way we all were with each other. You were so kind and understanding. I don’t know when it started, but I started looking forward to seeing you and missed you when I didn’t. I enjoyed telling you about my day, wanting to hear about yours, and the more I learned about you, the more I wanted to know. You intrigued me and inspired me. You gave me the feeling it was all right to be me. Lizzy, the moment I left Menno I started a voyage of self-discovery, and you’ve been there with me every step of the way.”

  Lizzy couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and a swarm of emotions swept through her thundering heart.

  Judith took a step toward her. “I never wanted to hurt you, Lizzy, but I needed time to get my head around what I was feeling, to put things back into perspective, to realize what it is I want.”

  Lizzy’s mouth felt so dry it was difficult to speak and she couldn’t look Judith in the eye. “What do you want?”

  Judith took yet another step closer and with a trembling hand reached up and gently turned Lizzy’s face toward her. “You, us, in whatever form that takes.”

  Before Lizzy could say or think or do anything, Judith leaned in and gently kissed her. Their lips barely touched, but it fueled the pent-up fire that had been ignited by their previous kiss, and Lizzy could no longer hold back. She wrapped her arm around Judith’s waist, pulling her in, and kissed her passionately.

  Judith felt a surging heat as Lizzy’s passion engulfed her and all thought vanished. She was aware of Lizzy’s hand under her coat pulling the back of her blouse free from her pants and then felt her lungs constrict as warm hands caressed her skin. She broke free from the kiss, gasping for air. She looked into Lizzy’s eyes and saw that same intense look she had seen that night they had first kissed, but now it was even more breathtaking. Judith had never felt so wanted. She clasped Lizzy’s hand and on trembling legs led her down the hall to her old bedroom.

  The curtains had not been drawn and the light of the moon filled the room, outlining the contour of the bed. Judith felt unsure, but Lizzy stepped forward and gently slid Judith’s coat off her shoulders before turning her so that her back was against the wall. She held Judith’s wrists down at her sides and kissed her slowly around her neck, along her collarbone and down to the crest of her breasts. The tenderness of Lizzy’s kisses created tingling flutters at the spot where her lips touched her skin, and the simultaneous feeling of Lizzy’s anchoring grip on her wrists only enhanced the sensation.

  Then Lizzy’s hands started a soft trail up her arms and down her sides, ever so lightly caressing the sides of her breasts. Judith moved slightly, wanting more contact, but Lizzy’s hands continued their journey down and across her stomach, where they pulled the rest of her blouse free before slowly undoing each button. As the blouse fell away, Lizzy kissed the newly exposed skin of her shoulders, causing warm waves to ripple throughout the rest of her body. She tried to turn Lizzy’s face toward her, needing to feel Lizzy’s mouth on hers again, but at that same moment, Lizzy trailed her hands up along her back, massaging the muscles along the way. Judith’s head snapped back as an involuntary moan forced its way past her lips. Then Lizzy unclasped her bra. The sensation of her bra falling away made her want to hold Lizzy even closer to her, but Lizzy leaned back and caressed her breasts with her eyes. Judith felt terribly vulnerable, but then Lizzy whispered in a tone she didn’t recognize. “God, you’re beautiful.”

  Lizzy’s words sent a bolt of sensations ricocheting through her body, settling between her legs. Judith didn’t think she could stand up much longer, but before she could think another thought, Lizzy was kissing her again, long and deep. She felt herself falling into her as she started to shake. Her body screamed for release, but it was too much, too soon. She clasped Lizzy’s hands, stilling them, and rested her head on her shoulder as she tried to catch her breath. Lizzy seemed to understand and gently embraced her and simply held her. Judith could feel Lizzy’s heart beating against her chest and concentrated on its mesmerizing rhythm as she let the burni
ng throbbing of her body simmer down to a mere hum.

  The warmth of their embrace felt like a cocoon, and in it the spirit of time stood still. Judith had never felt such serenity. She remembered when they had danced and how she had felt the urge to kiss Lizzy’s neck. Smiling, she turned her head and very softly kissed the side of Lizzy’s neck. To her exquisite delight, she heard and felt Lizzy’s sharp intake of breath and wanted to feel more of her. She started to lift Lizzy’s shirt, inviting Lizzy to raise her arms in compliance. As soon as the shirt was over her head, Lizzy leaned forward and kissed her again, with excruciating tenderness. The softness of Lizzy’s lips immediately caused the fire simmering inside her to flare, and she kissed Lizzy back with a passion she had never felt before. She felt Lizzy moan into her mouth and somewhere through her consciousness was aware that they were moving. Lizzy’s embrace tightened and Judith was guided down onto the bed. Lizzy’s passion was the mirror to her own and Judith held her tightly, pulling her down on top of her. Suddenly feeling Lizzy’s thigh between her own sent a jolt of lightning up her spine, and she was momentarily blinded by invisible white snowflakes. She couldn’t tell if Lizzy was moving up against her or if she was moving up against Lizzy, but it didn’t matter and she didn’t care. Her body demanded its release and when she felt Lizzy’s lips on her neck again, it came in long thundering waves and she fell into a blissful peace.

  *

  Judith’s body hummed with contentedness as she reveled in the warmth and the delicate scent of Lizzy’s body next to her. She could tell by her soft breathing that she was asleep and marveled at the intimacy of such a gentle sound.

  The honesty of Lizzy’s passion had been breathtaking, but the intensity of her own desire had been astounding. Every fiber of her being had craved Lizzy, and the oneness she had felt with her had awoken within her an emboldened sense of self. She’d been afraid to accept the love she felt for Lizzy, scared of getting hurt, but finding the courage to face her fear had brought her even closer to Lizzy.

  She felt a slight chill on her partially exposed back and lazily opened her eyes. The darkness of night had surrendered to the dawn, and the early morning rays of sunlight gracefully showered them with splendor. She realized that Lizzy’s arm was draped across her stomach, and the simple gesture made her heart swell with a heightened spirit of belonging. She had no idea where they would go from here, but in her heart, she knew that whatever path she took with Lizzy, it would always lead her home.

  Mindful not to wake her, she reached for the folded blanket at the foot of the bed and carefully pulled it up over them before snuggling back into Lizzy’s embrace.

  Epilogue

  Lizzy drove along Plantage Middenlaan, past the university’s botanical garden toward Artis Zoo. It was Emily’s birthday and she had chosen a visit to the zoo as her special treat.

  That morning Judith and Lizzy had been awoken by Emily jumping up and down on their bed squealing her delight at her presents, offering them a deluge of hugs of gratitude. Lizzy hadn’t wanted to leave them, but she’d had to go to work for a few hours so had arranged to meet them at the zoo gate. She was running a little late and waited impatiently at the traffic lights.

  She couldn’t believe how happy she felt. She still missed Maurice, but having Judith and Emily in her life had erased the vast hole Maurice’s death had left, and their love had helped her breach the rift of her grief. In her heart she believed Maurice’s spirit still lived on and chose to believe her goodness was shining down in places it otherwise could never have reached. Maurice would always own a piece of her heart, but Lizzy was now free to enjoy the memory of her without the onslaught of pain, and was finally able to fulfill her promise to her. She had never thought it possible to love again, but Judith had woven a tapestry of light around her heart and Lizzy loved her with all that she was.

  She turned off onto Plantage Kerklaan and spotted Judith and Emily waiting in the queue. They were happily chatting to one another, and just seeing them fueled the love Lizzy felt for them. She quickly parked the car and crossed the road to join them.

  About the Author

  Lindsey Stone was born in the West Midlands of England, but at the age of thirteen emigrated to the Netherlands with her mother and brother. Although she often misses the British landscape and its traditional food, she is pleased to live in a country where sexual orientation is no longer grounds for discrimination and where homosexual couples and their rights are recognized and protected by the law.

  Her mind is a bustling playground filled with images, scenes, characters, and plots, all demanding her attention, but in those moments when they are kind enough to give her some peace, she can be found playing her guitar, or building something out in the garage, or simply slouched on the couch next to her trusted shadow, her Malinois dog, who somehow always seems to get the most space

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