Catchee Monkey: A Rex & Eddie Mystery (Rex & Eddie Mysteries Book 1)

by Sean Cameron

“Surprise?”

  Melinda crossed her arms. “No.”

  “So I’m getting kicked out because I’m boring and have no adventures?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, then. It may please you to know, I am actually a fugitive from the law after being framed for arson. The case I solved was murder, and the murderer is a big time gangster who sent an assassin to kill me and Rex.”

  “Really?” she said with sarcasm.

  “Really.”

  “Really?” Sincere this time.

  “Yeah, so don’t think of it as a boring night in. But a dangerous safe house hiding two heroes while they fend off gangsters, police, and snipers.”

  “Snipers?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You should leave.”

  “But I thought this is what you wanted?” Eddie said with genuine confusion.

  “I want you out.” Melinda pushed Eddie towards the door and shoved him out. Rex hid at the side of Melinda’s door.

  “But I did it all for you.”

  She slammed the door. Eddie slumped.

  Rex smiled. “So, how’d it go?”

  ***

  “Hello, we're here to visit Billy,” Eddie told the nurse.

  “Billy who?”

  “Uh, Billy Quid?”

  “I’ve got a William Bishop?”

  “No other Billys?”

  “No.”

  “William Bishop it is then.”

  “Room eighty-two. Visitor hours close in ten minutes.”

  Rex and Eddie headed down the corridor while keeping an eye open for potential assassins.

  “Hey Eddie, if we do get shot, at least we’re close to the Accident & Emergency room. Right?

  “Please, Rex. Not now.”

  The pair entered room eighty-two, a square room with six beds partitioned by blue curtains. Rex and Eddie popped their heads in a few curtains until they found Billy asleep with his arm in a sling.

  “Sorry, Billy,” Eddie said.

  In the distance they could hear a nurse order visitors to leave. Next to Billy they saw a spare bed. They drew the dividing curtain and laid down.

  “Hey Eddie, do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon.”

  “I want to be two equal spoons laying next to each other.”

  The nurse switched off the lights, and they lay in the dark.

  “Hey, Eddie. Good work today.”

  “You too. Good night.”

  “I’m hungry.”

  “Me too, we’ll see if we can share Billy’s breakfast in the morning. He’ll probably still be sleeping.”

  “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

  “We’re gonna go to the library as soon as it opens and search for Stacey.”

  “Real detective work?”

  “Real detective work,” Eddie said with a yawn. “But you were right. She is our first femme fatale.”

  “Hey, Eddie.”

  “Please, Rex. I’m very tired.”

  “Sorry, it’s just. I don’t remember the last time we had a sleepover.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a while. If you’re quiet, I promise we can have another one soon. Maybe go camping.”

  “Deal. Good night, Eddie.”

  “Good night, Rex.”

  FOURTEEN

  Outside the library, Rex and Eddie shivered. Rex’s blazer gave him an extra layer, but Eddie struggled in just a shirt. He made a vow to himself, from this day forward he would keep a jacket on hand in case of future assassination attempts.

  When the doors opened, Rex rushed to the nearest computer. The sign said fifteen minutes per person. They found the Snodling house on property websites. Using a free fourteen day trial they searched previous house owners to confirm Stacey Lawrence sold it ten years ago.

  They proved she’d moved to Australia using a careers site to find her CV. She had a university administration job in Perth.

  “How do we find the girl we met? All I remember was that she was late twenties, blonde shoulder length hair, and she made a terrible cup of tea.”

  “Was it shoulder length?” Rex said. “I thought it was just below her ears. I remember she had blue eyes, no wait, green. Maybe they were blue.”

  “This is useless. How are we detectives if we can’t even remember what she looked like?”

  “I think they were blue.”

  “There’s no way of finding her with so little information.”

  “The Equity website. It’s all the union actors. If we do a casting search we can find her.”

  “If she’s an actress.”

  “She’s an actress.”

  Rex typed in her physical description and age range on the Equity site. The site brought up over two thousand searches. Rex scrolled through each headshot one by one looking for Stacey. When Rex’s fifteen minute allotment was over they were only seven hundred deep. The computer screen counted down and flashed red. Rex attempted to bash the keys but it did not respond.

  “You’ll have to stop now,” said the spindly librarian. Her bun of dark and grey hair created a purple orb above her head. She walked over in a deliberate manner, as if she balanced the purple ball on top of her skull.

  “We just need a few more minutes.”

  “It’s fifteen minutes per library member.”

  “I’m a member,” Eddie said. He typed his library card number and pressed enter. A pop up read, there is an issue with your account please see the librarian.

  Eddie dashed to the counter but the old librarian took her time joining him. He tapped his hand on the table top.

  She looked at him over her glasses. “You have an outstanding fine. Five pounds.”

  Eddie frowned. “I don’t have five pounds.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, once fines reach five pounds the account is locked.”

  “So anything below five pounds is fine?”

  “Yes.”

  “Rex, do you still have the ten pence?”

  Rex pulled the tiny silver coin from his pocket and bolted to the counter.

  “No running,” the librarian said.

  “Sorry.”

  Rex handed over the ten pence coin. She typed the information.

  “Your account is now active.”

  The pair ran towards the computer station.

  “No running.”

  They speed-walked the rest of the way.

  The extra fifteen minutes did not prove fruitful. With five minutes to go they had another four hundred actresses to view.

  “She’s not here, Rex.”

  “We can narrow it down. Did you see the ballet shoes, the ones I tripped on? Maybe they were hers.”

  Eddie added ballet into the search form. Two hundred results.

  “She was good at throwing fruit. Good aim.”

  “There isn’t a fruit throwing option.”

  “Give sporty a try.”

  The new search brought up sixty results. They raced through each one and finished with two minutes to spare. She wasn’t there.

  “It’s over, Rex.”

  “Oh well, it was worth a try.”

  “How can you be this relaxed? You really do smile death in the face. You have to do something. Some weird leap in logic. We have to find the lying cow or we’re dead.” Eddie paused. “Lying cow,” he repeated.

  “OK Eddie, calm down.”

  “Don’t you get it. Lying cow!”

  “Shh,” said the librarian at her desk.

  “Sorry,” Eddie lowered to a whisper. “She lies.” He changed the age category to young twenties. Thirty searches. The fifteenth profile was her.

  Eddie hissed. “Becky Cooper.”

  “That headshot doesn’t do her justice. I mean she was much prettier in person, and it doesn’t give off the smoky lying femme-fatale casting.”

  “Yes, thank you, Rex. Can we focus?”

  They searched her name on Facebook but the account was private. Twitter showed a bunch of Becky Coopers until the computer screen lit up with
a red flash.

  The librarian stood over them. “Time’s up.”

  “Just a few more minutes please.”

  “I’m sorry but it’s fifteen minutes per person.”

  “In a few more minutes we’ll be done.”

  “Yes, well, everyone thinks they’re a special case.”

  Rex stood up. “It’s an emergency, lady.”

  “An emergency on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

  “Please, will you give us more time?” Eddie said.

  “Absolutely not. I must make everything available to all customers. I can’t have you hold up other people.”

  “Who are we holding up? There is no one else on the computers.”

  “It’s policy.”

  Rex, snuck away to the librarian’s counter as Eddie argued with the librarian.

  “Fine, the library is stupid anyway.”

  “Very well,” the librarian said. “Be on your way.”

  Rex searched for Becky Cooper on Twitter.

  “This library card is useless. I’m gonna tear it up.” Eddie attempted to rip the laminated card but merely bent it at best. “I’m gonna rip it to pieces.” He tried again but didn’t leave a mark. The Librarian folded her arms, tired of Eddie’s little fit.

  Rex gave Eddie a thumbs up. He was impressed Eddie managed to drag the performance out, unaware Eddie genuinely tried to rip it.

  “When I get home, I’m gonna cut it up with scissors. So there.”

  Rex read a tweet from @Becky82 about a ballet audition.

  “Yes!” Rex threw his hands up in celebration. The Librarian turned to her desk.

  “You can’t be back there,” she said.

  Panicked, Rex tapped the print button. Across the desk, the printer fed out a page.

  “Printouts are twenty pence each,” she said.

  She reached for the paper, but Rex snatched it. He was cornered by the librarian.

  “Rex, throw it.”

  “No throwing allowed.”

  Rex chucked the paper, but it looped in the air and floated back to him. He made a paper plane with precision and focus while batting away the angry librarian with his kicking leg.

  Eddie waved his arms. “Just throw it as a ball.”

  Rex screwed it up and chucked it at Eddie. The librarian made a dive for the printout, but Eddie shoved one hand in her face and grabbed the paper ball. The pair ran and didn’t stop until the library was a pinprick in their view.

  Eddie unwrapped the ball of paper. “What is it?”

  “Tweets by Becky Cooper,” Rex said, still catching his breath.

  Eddie read through the tweets.

  @Becky82 Open mic at the Spout 'n' Bottle tonight. Come on by.

  @Becky82 Don’t forget it’s Drum and Bass at The Spout tonight. I’ll be serving.

  @Becky82 Booked my holiday to Jamaica, Well proud. #ActingJob.

  @Becky82 Free sandwiches and doughnuts at noon every weekday @thespoutnbottle.

  “I bet we’re the acting job,” Eddie said. “She was hired to set us up. But why?”

  “To go to Jamaica?”

  “No, why was she hired? It was either Palmer, or Brown working for Palmer, but why put out a ransom for your own murder?”

  “Maybe Stacey, I mean Becky, knows.”

  “Let’s go to The Spout 'n' Bottle and talk to her.”

  “And eat doughnuts?”

  “That’s not the primary purpose.”

  “But if they’re there?”

  “Then it would be rude not to eat at least one doughnut.”

  FIFTEEN

  “We’re gonna need beer money,” Rex said as Eddie drove.

  “I spent our last ten pence. Want to call Jim Jams?”

  “Mid-mornings are his extended nap times. What about a loan?”

  “The bank doesn’t really do beer money loans.”

  “Why not, it’s just a few quid?”

  They both had the same idea. “Billy!”

  Rex and Eddie sneaked into Billy’s hospital room. He was asleep and they wanted to keep it that way.

  "Aren't we stealing by not asking?" Rex whispered.

  "We don't have time."

  "But what about our principles?"

  "He borrows money all the time. He’d be fine with it. If he was awake I'd explain it to him."

  Eddie grabbed the small bag of pound coins, the heaviness surprised him. As they tiptoed out Rex knocked over a metal table, which awoke Billy.

  “What’s happening?”

  “Shhh. Go to sleep,” Eddie said. The coins jiggled as they ran out.

  “Me pounds!” Billy called out.

  ***

  The Spout 'n' Bottle was a pub and club between East Cloisterham train station and the High Street. It used to be an old jeans factory and its industrial atmosphere was a hit with the emo crowd. Steel beams paired up with hanging chains and gothic murals that mixed skulls and drug culture with the odd image of historical places.

  The building’s three floors featured band stages, pool rooms, beer gardens, DJ dance rooms, and several bars. During the day only the front bar was open, which made it easy to find Becky Cooper.

  Rex and Eddie approached the bar. Becky, in the uniform black top and fluffed up hair, served another patron. She was in a much lighter mood when not playing the grieving daughter.

  “This is it, Rex. Brace yourself … Rex?”

  Rex helped himself to the doughnut tray.

  “Rex come here. Here. Now.”

  “What can I get you?” Becky asked, not recognising them in the poor light.

  “Two beers please.”

  She recognised the voice and went rigid. “What do you two want?”

  “Thwoo bhears,” Rex said with a mouthful of doughnut.

  “Everything all right?” the barman said.

  “Yeah, fine.” She poured their drinks.

  Eddie leaned closer. “Where are the documents?”

  “I gave them to the man.”

  “You best start from the beginning?”

  “Yeah, we want every detail,” Rex said, between bites of doughnut. He built a tower out of the remaining ones, perfectly balanced on a single napkin. “Don’t leave any details out.”

  “Why should I help you?”

  “Because you’re gonna get us killed.”

  “And?”

  “And?” Eddie said. “And it’s not fair.”

  “If I help you, you’ve got to protect me, yeah?”

  “You want us to protect you?”

  Eddie’s lack of confidence caused Becky to step back. She reassessed the pair. Eddie scratched his head while Rex gorged on doughnuts. “Well, no one else has offered, so yeah.”

  “We’ll do our best. As long as the information is good. We want details.”

  “One of the bouncers here, he said he knew someone that needed an actor. I’m an actor really, this is a day job. I’m between agents at the moments but—”

  “Maybe not all the details,” Eddie said.

  “Well, they needed someone to pretend for them. It was just meant to be over the phone. They gave me a mobile and said if it rang I was meant to say I’m Stacey Lawrence and offer five grand for information on the death of my father, Derek Lawrence. I took the phone, they paid me a hundred quid a week to keep it on me. It never rang. They told me to keep a hold of it.”

  “Terry Palmer?” Eddie said.

  Rex choked a little on his food.

  Becky quietened to a whisper. “I never met Terry Palmer, but I’m sure they work for him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because they were upset when you linked the murder to him.”

  “What happened after the phone?”

  “No one called it. After two months they told me to give it back. I took the money, and it was over with. Then last week they came to my house and told me there was a message on the phone and I had to return the call.” She pointed at Rex. “The message was from hi
m.”

  “So they wanted to make sure they tied all their loose ends,” Eddie said. “Find out if anyone could link Palmer to Lawrence’s death.”

  “I called you back and arranged the meeting like they asked. A tall man with a badge and gun listened in as you talked.”

  Eddie nodded. “That’s probably our detective friend.”

  “When I kicked you out—”

  “The fruiting.”

  “Sorry, it was a stressful day. I thought if I got rid of you fast, life would go back to normal.”

  “But?”

  “They came back with the phone. They thought, if you two idiots—”

  “Hey,” Rex said.

  “Their words, not mine. If you two found anything, then Palmer could still go down for murder.”

  “So you called us and spent the money on a trip to Jamaica?”

  “No one expected you to find anything.”

  “Did you see what happened to the evidence?”

  “The police detective. He listened in the other room. When you left he burned the papers in front of me.”

  “So then they followed us?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did they follow us before that?”

  “No. It was just the detective the first time.”

  “Your nan’s safe, Rex.”

  Rex smiled, revealing doughnut clumped between his teeth.

  “Who’s the bouncer that got you the job?”

  “Louie Burton, but he died a few months ago. He was found in the river. His belly was full of holes.”

  “He was shot?” Rex said.

  “He was stabbed with a sword.”

  Becky covered her face. Her eyes welled up. “I think Louie killed your man, and he was a loose end. Now there are three loose ends left. You, him, and me.”

  “They paid you off.”

  “I don’t think that matters to them. They’re paranoid enough to put out a reward for their own killing. It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?”

  “Would you be a witness to the documents? Corroborate our story in court?”

  “I wouldn’t make it to the court date.”

  “Then we can’t help you.”

  “Witnesses can be killed, and we will be killed,” she said. “But we can mail your backup of the documents to every newspaper in the country. Then killing us does nothing, there’d be no point.”

  Rex and Eddie stared at their feet.

  “We don’t have our backup any more,” Eddie admitted.