Catchee Monkey: A Rex & Eddie Mystery (Rex & Eddie Mysteries Book 1)

by Sean Cameron

  “What? What kind of idiot loses … forget it. Well, that’s great. You’ve got nothing else in the office?”

  “That detective set it on fire.”

  “He blamed us,” Rex said. “What a cheek.”

  “The man in the black SUV set it on fire. Did you ever see a black SUV? Do you know the driver?”

  Her eyes widened. “The man with the Glasgow Smile?”

  “Happy Scottish people?” Rex said.

  “It’s when they cut both your cheeks.” She mimed her cheeks being cut. “To give you two scars up the sides of your face.”

  “That’s disgusting,” Rex said. “That’s enough to put a man off his food.” He licked his sugar-coated fingers.

  “Great, so we have a gangster, a bent policeman, and a scarred assassin after us.”

  Rex grinned. “It’s like we’re James Bond.”

  “Except we’re homeless, gadget-less, we’ve no experience, and instead of a martini, we got a flat beer with too much head.”

  “Hey,” Becky said.

  “No offence.”

  “It is a bit flat.” Rex nodded. “But the doughnuts are good. Who made them?”

  “It’s a Tesco’s value pack.”

  “We should get these next time we stake out, aye Eddie? Good snack food.”

  Eddie tapped his forehead. “We need to follow our footsteps. Somewhere, there’s a connection.”

  “Laing,” Rex said and bit into a cheese roll. Eddie hated it when Rex jumped from dessert to a savoury meal, but that was an argument for a different time.

  “John Laing has nothing to do with it.”

  “He said Lawrence stole stories. Palmer killed his brother in the seventies so Lawrence sat on that story for decades. Maybe he pitched it to Laing for Taskforce?” He bit into the cheese roll. “There must be older documents.”

  “Rex, that’s genius.”

  “Oh, it’s nothing. People get too full for dessert, but not me. I eat the doughnuts first and then fill up on the meal—”

  “I mean Laing. Not the cheese roll, although that is disgusting.”

  Becky placed her hands on her hips. “I made those.”

  “Not the cheese roll itself, eating it after a doughnut. We’re offtrack. Rex, we need to see Laing.”

  “I’m coming with you,” Becky said.

  “Why?”

  “Because, I don’t want you to screw it up.”

  Rex and Eddie assessed her answer and nodded in agreement.

  ***

  Rex, Eddie, and Becky approached Laing’s front door. Each of them waited for the other to press the doorbell.

  “You ring it,” Eddie said.

  “No, you,” Rex said.

  “He likes you.”

  “It’s your turn.”

  “How is it my turn?”

  Becky rolled her eyes and pressed the doorbell. Laing opened the door.

  “Didn’t expect to see you two again.”

  Eddie smiled. “I know, we left in a hurry, but—”

  “Come to pay your tab?”

  “Uh, sure?” Eddie studied Laing’s face to see if that was the right answer. Laing didn’t respond. “How, uh, how much was it?”

  “Fifty-two in total.”

  “Oh, right, well, we have—” Eddie counted up the bag of pound coins they borrowed from Billy. “Twenty-eight pounds.”

  “Forget it, you can’t put a price on knowing where you stand with people.”

  “Sorry, we had an emergency. We didn’t mean to skip out on the tab,” Rex said. “Plus, you look like you can afford it.”

  Laing crossed his arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, uh,” Rex’s freezing habit kicked in.

  “What Rex means is you have a lovely nice house, you’ve got your own company. Fifty-two quid probably isn’t a big deal compared to your elaborate fountain in the backyard.”

  “How do you know about my fountain?”

  “Well, I uh?”

  “You’ve been nosing around my property?”

  “No.”

  Laing’s dog scampered to the front door with Eddie’s old shoe in its mouth. The dog nudged it at Eddie’s hand.

  Eddie took the shoe to calm the dog. “That’s weird, aye?”

  “Goodbye gentleman.” Laing pushed the door closed.

  “Please, we just have a question. One question.”

  Eddie’s foot blocked the closing door.

  “Ouch, why do I think that’s gonna work.”

  “Please,” Rex said. “Did Lawrence ever talk to you about Terry Palmer? Or tell a story about a gangster throwing blood-soaked clothes in the river?” Laing opened the door a little. “Terry Palmer is trying to kill us. If Lawrence said anything about Palmer’s crime, you can save our lives.”

  Laing stroked his beard in shock.

  Eddie pointed at Becky. “And hers.”

  Becky raised a hand. “Hi.”

  “No, but I hope it works out. I hope you do clear your name and lock up the bad men after you. I hope you survive this whole ordeal.”

  “Really?” Eddie said, touched by the gesture.

  Rex smiled. “That’s nice.”

  “Yeah, I hope you survive it all and then get cancer.” Rex and Eddie’s warm and fuzzy feelings vacated fast. “And then I hope your cancer gets cancer. I don’t want to see you on my doorstep ever again.” Laing slammed the door shut.

  The three took in what just happened.

  Rex raised a hand. “Is that because he wants the cancer to kill the cancer, and we become healthy? Or, did he wish us a double dose of cancer?”

  “He meant double cancer,” Eddie said.

  Becky headed to the car. She turned to face the pair. “So does this whole Columbo act normally work for you?”

  Rex and Eddie pulled confused faces.

  “You know, you act stupid so they drop their defences, and then you strike.”

  Eddie shook his head, “It’s not an act.”

  The three walked up the path to the battered Morris Minor.

  “Now, what?” Becky said.

  Rex and Eddie got in the car. Becky stomped behind them. Eddie sat at the steering wheel.

  Becky knocked Eddie’s headrest. “Hello? Now what?”

  “Nothing, Laing was a last option. Even if he did remember Lawrence’s story, he left all the TV stuff behind when Taskforce ended.”

  Rex hit the dashboard. “He left it all at the old TV studio.”

  “Rex you’re right. We can search for an early draft of Lawrence’s ideas and link Palmer to the murder.”

  Eddie started the car. “We need to go back to the old TV studio.”

  SIXTEEN

  “Three for laser tag please.”

  The beehived lady rang up the cash register. “That will be forty-five quid.”

  Eddie splashed their stash of pound coins on the counter.

  The beehive lady counted them up. “That's twenty-eight.”

  Rex and Eddie turned to Becky. She rolled her eyes and forked over the rest of the money.

  “Shouldn’t we get another ticket?” Rex said.

  “Why?” Eddie said.

  “Because I called backup?”

  Becky sighed relief. “You guys have backup?”

  Eddie’s face scrunched up. “We have backup?”

  “Yeah, well, I texted Jim Jams.”

  Eddie turned to Becky. “We don’t have backup.”

  “The blues are already in," the beehive lady said. “You can go put on your body packs and guns. Three against three.”

  In the weapons chamber, Eddie poked at his body pack’s faulty wires. He hoped to stop the electrocutions but gave himself a shock instead.

  “Rex, please don’t get too excited this time. Our job is to get to the office. Not shoot at children.”

  “What if they shoot first?”

  “No.”

  Rex pouted and looked away.

  “You hear me Rex?”
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  The voice recording began: “Battle commences in three, two, one.” The door slid open and smoke blew in their faces. Rex, Eddie, and Becky dashed through the arena and headed straight for the fire exit. At the door a six-foot-five man wearing the blue pack stepped in front of them.

  “Excuse me, we aren’t really here to play.”

  He lifted his head, and the blue UV light lit his face. He had scar lines from ear to ear. It was the Glasgow Smile and his gun was real. “Neither am I.”

  Eddie froze. Knowing Rex would freeze in a panic, Eddie awaited a quick death.

  Rex fired his laser gun at the Glasgow Smile’s chest. An electric shock sparked through the assassin’s chest. He buzzed for a few seconds and dropped his gun. Eddie snatched up the gun while Rex fired his laser a second time. The Glasgow Smile fell to his knees.

  “Do something,” Becky said.

  Eddie lifted the gun and hit the assassin in the head with the handle. The Glasgow Smile took the hit and scowled at Eddie, he was pissed off. Eddie gave him a second whack and accidentally squeezed the trigger. The assassin dropped to the floor as the fired bullet took out a light fixture. The spotlight flared bright like a flare.

  “Crap,” Eddie said. “I think we gave away our position.”

  “We?” Becky said.

  The grated floor above rattled and shook as the other two killers trotted towards them.

  “They’re on the second floor,” Eddie said.

  Eddie, Rex, and Becky burst through the fire exit into the hallway. They rushed to the next fire exit door, Eddie’s shoes rubbed at his blisters with each step. Rex opened the fire door. It opened half a foot before it smacked against something. Outside, the black SUV blocked their path.

  Eddie looked back at the arena fire door. “The only way out is through the battle zone.”

  Becky’s jaw dropped. “I’m not going back out there.”

  “We may as well get what we came for then.” Rex ran up the stairs and kicked the office door. His foot bounced back and left an awful twinge in his reverberating knee.

  Eddie and Becky followed.

  “Let me try.” Eddie gave the door a few kicks but tired quickly.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Becky said.

  Eddie crouched down. “It’s solid wood.”

  “Wood is hard,” Rex said.

  “Just use your head.”

  Rex grimaced. “Won’t that hurt?”

  “Yeah, that sounds painful.”

  “No, I mean think about it. The gun?”

  Eddie held out the gun, scrunched up his face, and put his spare finger in one of his ears. Becky and Rex stood back.

  Bang!

  All three opened their eyes and saw a perfect round hole an inch below the handle.

  “Now what?” Rex said.

  Rex and Eddie rammed the door in unison. The door opened with a forceful crack. The office was empty, no furniture, not a single piece of paper; all the potential evidence was gone.

  Rex’s eyebrows raised. “Wow, they’ve cleaned up in here.”

  Eddie’s whole body went slack.

  “Sorry boys.” Becky grabbed the gun from his hand and pointed the weapon at Rex and Eddie.

  Eddie raised his hands. “Figures.”

  “Put your hands up, Rex,” she said.

  Rex pointed his laser gun at her.

  “Rex, do what she says.” He didn’t budge.

  Becky waved the gun at him. “Put your hands up, you idiot.”

  “Rex, we’ve been beat.”

  Rex’s eyes shifted between Eddie and Becky. His hands clutched his plastic laser gun.

  “Where’d the papers go?” Eddie said.

  “Laser Flux is under new management,” Becky said.

  “Palmer?” he asked. She nodded. “You think this will make you safe? That they won’t kill you.”

  “I’ve shown my loyalty.”

  “And what loyalty has Palmer shown you?”

  A second of doubt distracted her and Rex fired his laser. Her body pack’s LED lights lit up as she received an electric spark. She held the gun tight and re-aimed on them. Rex fired again. The laser’s cheap whistle and pop sounds warned her of another jolt. She fell. Eddie fired his laser too, and she dropped the gun.

  Eddie scooped up the gun as they ran out. “I’ll take that.”

  The pair darted down the stairs and passed the Jamaican cleaner. “You can’t be here,” she shouted.

  Rex and Eddie re-entered the arena. The Glasgow Smile was no longer on the floor. Fog machines filled the room with smoke as drum and bass blared out the speakers.

  “We need to be quiet and stay in the shadows.”

  Rex gave a short nod. “Softly, softly, hidden dragon.”

  “It’s softly, softly, catchee monkey, you moron. And in this case, I think we’re the monkey.”

  They tiptoed down the corridor, Eddie’s heart pumped fast. His head was light and woozy.

  “Rex,” he whispered. “I can’t handle this. They could shoot from any direction.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “But there are three of them. At least two guns. Remember how bad I lost last time.”

  “Just stick to what you’re good at.”

  Eddie’s eyes widened. “The only thing I’m good at is getting shot.”

  “Shh. To the right, in the corner, there’s a shoulder sticking out.

  “Nice catch.”

  Rex snuck a few steps forward and turned back to Eddie. “Thanks for taking me to laser tag.”

  Oh no, Eddie thought. That’s why he hasn’t frozen. He thinks this is a game. Eddie couldn’t tell Rex in case he froze.

  They tip-toed closer. Eddie pointed the real gun at the killer’s shoulder and snuck forward. Eddie’s hand trembled. If he fired, the bullet could hit anything in a six-foot radius of the henchman’s shoulder.

  “I can’t do it, Rex,” he whispered.

  Eddie turned around and Rex was gone. He looked back at the killer’s shoulder and saw Rex sneak up the corridor. Rex had slipped around the arena and approached with his laser pointed at the killer’s back.

  This is bad, he thought. I’ve let Rex go out there against real gangsters, with real weapons, while he has a toy gun.

  Eddie shook his head at Rex and waved him back. Miming wasn’t the most efficient form of communication, but it was all Eddie had.

  Behind Rex, a shadow stepped out of the darkness. It was the third killer, a stocky man in a leather jacket with a handlebar moustache.

  Eddie considered his options. If he didn’t call out to warn Rex, his friend would be shot by the moustached man. If he did call out, then he’d alert the hiding assassin to Rex’s whereabouts.

  Above Eddie he heard the footsteps of a heavy man. Through the grid he saw the Glasgow Smile step over him. The Glasgow Smile stopped and looked down. He stared right at Eddie, but could not see him as Eddie stood in the shadows.

  Rex snuck closer to the hiding killer, unaware the moustached man followed him. If Eddie warned Rex now, he would give himself away and be shot by the overhead villain.

  In all the drama, Eddie forgot he had a real gun. Eddie stepped out from under the bannister to get a clear shot of the Glasgow Smile. As he stepped into the light, Eddie did a small sick in his mouth, but swallowed. Like a real man, he told himself.

  “Below you,” a voice called out, it was Becky.

  Eddie jumped out and fired at the Glasgow Smile. The scarred killer shot back at Eddie but missed. Eddie jumped into another dark corner.

  “Ah, my leg,” the Glasgow Smile shouted.

  Although Eddie aimed for the head, he still considered the shot a success. The hidden assassin scrambled towards Eddie’s area. The man had bleach white hair that shone blue in the UV light. Rex fired his laser gun at the man’s back and electrocuted him.

  The white-haired man spun around and shot at Rex. Rex performed a drop and roll and fired at the moustached man behind him. Zapped, the moustac
hed man’s muscles spasmed, and he accidentally shot the white-haired killer in the shoulder.

  Rex dropped and rolled to the white-haired man and grabbed the man’s laser gun. Rex shot a double round of lasers at the moustached man and shocked him enough to drop his gun. Rex grabbed the sliding handgun and shot the man in the leg.

  As Rex dropped and rolled down the hallway, the Glasgow Smile hobbled down the stairs and fired at Rex. Mid roll, the bullet flew over Rex and landed in the moustached man’s chest.

  The white-haired man got up. With his working arm, he pointed his handgun at Rex. Rex shot with both the laser and the gun. The laser triggered a zap, which threw the white-haired man’s aim off. He fired at the wall as Rex’s bullet hit his good shoulder. Both his wounded arms flopped as he fell to the ground.

  Becky sprinted to the fire exit. The door flung open and she skidded on the mop-soaked floor. She slipped and knocked herself out. The Jamaican cleaner tutted and returned to cleaning. The fire exit door swung back closed.

  Rex noticed the blood and held up the real gun in wide-eyed wonder. The Glasgow Smile took aim at Rex. Eddie bolted over and whisked Rex out the way, his shoes bashed against the growing blisters.

  “How come they got an upgraded weapon?” Rex said. "Did they pay extra to get one of those?”

  "It's not a game, Rex."

  "You're telling me. Anyone that thinks laser tag is a game doesn’t respect—”

  “It’s real. This is all real.”

  “What?”

  The Glasgow Smile targeted his gun at Eddie’s head.

  “Real guns, real gangsters.”

  Horrified, Rex threw the gun on the floor. It hit the ground and fired. The bullet bounced off the gridded ceiling and into the head of the approaching Glasgow Smile.

  The assassin fell on his back with a thunk. Rex and Eddie stood over him.

  “The scars kind of make him look happy,” Eddie said.

  “Like he’s having a wonderful dream,” Rex said.

  “Rex, you did it.”

  “I did, didn’t I. What did I do?”

  “You fought, you didn’t freeze.”

  Rex grinned. “I did?”

  “You reacted, fight or flight.”

  “Oh, I shot a man.”

  “They’re henchmen. You must have always wanted to shoot a henchman?”

  “Oh, yeah, I guess so.”

  The siren blared, and the house lights flickered on. “Game over,” the robotic announcer voice said.