One Of The Guys

by Johnson, Ashley

  I let out a groan and wiped my eyes before I could muster the strength to talk. My eyes roamed the room and fell on a picture of us at our senior prom. Him in his white tuxedo and me in my white dress that had the bodice covered in beads and a very small train. He was crowned king, I was so proud of him. Adryian Wilson was queen that night. I saw the way she looked at him, like she was preying on him but of course he left with me. He always left with me. That night was magical. Dad and Brenda made us pose by the mantle in all the corny ways you’re supposed to and then we were off to the prom. We were carefree, the way you’re supposed to be that young and right now I wished so badly that I could be that way again.

  With a river of tears threatening to spill down my cheeks, I looked at Marsh and whispered the three letter word I feared the most, “Yes.”

  I can’t count the times I’ve seen Marsh so livid he could light a fire with his eyes. Sure I’ve seen him angry or just simply upset but I’ve never seen him absolutely livid. Until now. He jumped off the bed and every vein in his neck throbbed forward. His warm brown eyes were now full of fury and rage and to be honest, I was scared to move.

  “You aren’t going home.” He barked at me. I flinched at his words and simply nodded. I don’t know what he was thinking. He knows my Dad is a cop and he will find me. It doesn’t take much to figure out who I’m with, the answer is simple. It’s Marsh.

  “Marsh, I have to go home. He’ll come looking for me.”

  “No!” He yelled. He seemed like a whole new person, a person who was angry and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  “You can’t tell me what to do. It’s only a few more days ok. He probably didn’t mean to do it.” Ok I’m so full of shit right now it’s horrible. Didn’t mean to do it? Yeah ok. How do you not mean to kick your own flesh and blood when she’s helpless on the ground and then just walk away from it like nothing happened? Unless he was meaning to aim for my face or something and God I don’t even want to think about that.

  He dropped to his knees in front of me but his expression was still stone cold and when he touched my arm, he may as well have been standing in Antarctica “Sam, no you can’t go back. Stay here with me. Please I’m begging you; I can’t let you walk out this house. Not knowing he’s done that to you. I’ll talk to my parents, they’ll understand.”

  I jerked my arm away as the tears began their spill down my face. This was so hard for me and I wasn’t sure why. This was all new to me. I know this wasn’t my Dad and this has never happened before. Sometimes things freakishly happen and we don’t know why but they always return to normal. Right? Two more days won’t kill me and I need Marsh to understand this more than anything right now.

  “Marsh, this is the first time it’s been this bad. Let me talk to him. He’s the only parent I have left, I have no one else.”

  “Dammit Sam, this isn’t this first time? Why the hell haven’t you told me anything? You have me! Don’t you see that? Let me take care of you please. Don’t go back to that house.” His face was soaked from silent tears that steadily fell and I felt horrible for causing these. Why was he putting me in this position to have to choose?

  “Stop it Marsh. Just stop. I know I have you but you have to let me make this decision. I want to talk to him. I know he’s sorry and didn’t mean to do this.”

  Marsh grabbed my wrist and made sure he had my attention. His face was so close to mine, I could feel the moisture from his tears. “Sam I fucking love you more than anything in this world. You aren’t going back do you hear me? I’m not letting you leave. He won’t hurt you anymore. He’s a monster do you hear me?”

  One try was all it took for me to try to remove my wrist from his grasp before I realized how much it hurt because he was holding on tightly. Holding on tightly to me. “Marsh, you can’t make this decision for me. I have to do this for myself.”

  He released my wrist and suddenly stood. “Then I’m driving down there and I’m talking to him. Or better yet, I’m reporting this down at the station.”

  What the holy hell? He’s lost his mind. He can’t report him, Dad’s a cop for crying out loud and they’d never believe he did such a thing to his own daughter. “No! They won’t believe you, you can’t.”

  He grabbed his keys off his dresser and began stalking towards the front door with me trailing him as fast as I could doing everything I could to stop him. “Yes, they will Sam. Trust me. I’m going down there and you’re coming too.”

  “I’m not going anywhere Marsh so just stop!”

  The sound of desperation in my voice stopped him in his tracks and he turned to look at me. He was no longer crying but his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and if he weren’t being so damned stubborn right now, I’d hold him and kiss those tears away.

  “Get in the truck Sam.” He told me. He wasn’t asking anymore, I was expected to do what he thought was right but deep down I know it isn’t. Deep down I know there will be consequences that I don’t want to face.

  “No, don’t make me choose. If you do, then I’m leaving and I won’t be back.” I’m shocked by what just fell so loosely from my lips with no effort at all and by the look on his face, so is he.

  With a shaky voice he looked at me and choked out, “You’re going to leave me over this Sam? I just signed a lease for our apartment, you can’t be serious.”

  I didn’t want to be serious but he was about to make a huge mistake and I couldn’t have that. Everything in me wanted him to change his mind so badly but the look on his face said he wasn’t going to let this go. I can’t believe this is happening. We’ve never even really been in a fight before, and I’m sick to my stomach trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m lost though, lost for words, lost for thought and going through a downward spiral.

  “I don’t want to Marsh but if you don’t stop then I…I just can’t do this.”

  He threw his hands up in frustration and growled, “You’re just going to throw us away Sam? You’re going to throw away all we have because you’re too big of a coward to turn that piece of shit in?”

  I hated myself deeply for the decision I was getting ready to make but I couldn’t do this. Running away wasn’t what I wanted to do but it seemed like it was the only thing I could do right now and I somehow managed to get both feet moving, pain searing and all.

  Between sobs I managed to choke out, “I’ve got to go. I hope you know I love you more than anything in this world Marshall, but I can’t….I can’t….I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.”

  His arm moved making me flinch, a reaction I hated to have but all he did was reach over to his nightstand and open the drawer pulling out a small black velvet box. I gasp trying to wrap my head around this. A ring?

  “What’s this?” I ask foolishly although I already know. What else goes in a small box like that?

  He let out a forced laugh before opening the box to reveal a one carat solitaire engagement ring. The band was white gold and it was absolutely beautiful. Tears filled my eyes once more as I stared at it. “It’s the ring I was going to give to you the first night in our apartment Sam. I was going to ask you to marry me, to be my wife. That’s how much I fucking love you.” He practically yelled the last part sending my emotions even further in that downward spiral.

  “You think I don’t love you?” I yelled back. “I do Marsh. You know I do! If you loved me, you wouldn’t be forcing me to do something I’m telling you I don’t want to do. This isn’t easy, it’s not happening to you! So don’t you dare tell me I don’t love you!” My finger was in his face, my face a crimson red.

  He stared at me in disbelief before scoffing. “And if you loved me like you say you do, you’d let me help you.”

  “It’s two fucking days Marsh. Two days! Let it be, it’s going to be fine.”

  “And what if he hurts you worse Sam? Then what? What if he kills you? I can’t live without you Sam.” He’s crying again and I hate myself. Why is he pulling this shit right now?

  “I’ll be fi
ne dammit. Why can’t you see that? You’re pushing me further away Marsh, why?”

  “I’m pushing you away?” He cried, “That’s what you think? Well you’re killing me. You’re splitting my fucking heart in two.”

  I can’t hear anymore. Everything he says makes this much harder than it should be and I can’t take it. He had a ring. Marsh was going to propose and well now that was thrown out the window. He was going to have an apartment and an engagement ring to himself because I’m done. I need space from this, I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating from the one person I always felt safe around; I’m a coward taking the easy way out, just like he said.

  Before he could stop me, I ran outside, jumped in my truck and sped out of his driveway at lightening speed. Tears covered my eyes making it a little hard to see the road ahead of me. The pain in my side was still piercing, I want to crawl into a corner and die. Once I made it to a parking lot and realized he hadn’t tried to chase me or call, I glanced at the picture of Mom. Out loud I can’t help but talk to her. “Nothing’s alright Mom. I don’t think it will ever be.”

  Taking a deep breath, I called the one person I wished were still around. I called Brenda.

  “Samantha, it’s so good to hear your voice baby girl.” She sounded like she was doing really well and I missed her more than ever.

  “Brenda,” I choked out, “Can I come see you please. Marsh and I just broke up and I need someone to talk to.”

  She wasted no time in her response telling me to come on over and as soon as she gave me directions, I hung up the phone and sped off away from what was possibly the worst day of my life. Brenda took me in immediately when I knocked on her door and when she saw me walking funny, she knew something was up. When she found out the truth, she was furious but at least she knew not to confront him unlike Marsh. After talking to her all day and most of the night, I finally headed home around eleven and thankfully Dad was working nights so it was peaceful and quiet. He even was nice enough to text me to have a good night, thanks for the thought dad. That’s all I could think when all I wanted to type was thanks for ruining my life.

  A piece of me died that day, I buried her in the ground and I’m not sure if she’s ever coming back. I let my father control the only thing I had ever really loved and because of him, I threw it all away like it was yesterday’s trash.

  Chapter 5

  Sam

  It’s been a whole month since I left Marsh in his driveway with him begging me to turn my Dad in for what he did. A month since he showed me the engagement ring he was planning on giving me our first night in our new apartment. A whole thirty days and I’m absolutely miserable.

  Marsh tried to call me for the first two weeks and I couldn’t bring myself to answer because I knew he was going to press the issue with my dad. It hurt like hell every time a phone call or text message came through, I can’t lie. But I wouldn’t give in, and I didn’t. I cried myself to sleep many nights wondering if he was missing me. Of course he was, he kept trying to talk to me. He had a damn ring he was going to give me for crying out loud. He wanted me to be his wife, to have and to hold. He kept trying while I was just sitting by watching his name pop up on my phone. He told me that day I was splitting his heart in two, well mine was shattered into a million pieces and it’s never being put back together again. Part of me kept waiting for Marsh to show up at the house and talk to me but with as pissed as he was, if he saw Dad then it would most likely be a fight. Dad had his good days and his bad. He hadn’t kicked me to the ground again, he’s mainly just bruised my arm and the backside of his hand did meet my cheek one other time. Other than that, he was so involved in work that he wasn’t home and I wasn’t complaining about that at all.

  Brenda was the only person I talked to occasionally. She understood why I couldn’t just turn him in. I did feel like a coward. Christ, I can’t believe Marsh had called me a coward. I know he was upset but he didn’t have to call me that. Hearing those words hurt more than any physical pain ever could.

  Two weeks later, I saw Marsh at the mall holding hands with Adryian Wilson. I vaguely remembered her from high school. Ok, I’m lying. She was the damn prom queen how could I forget her and her preying eyes. We weren’t from the same social circle so we weren’t what you would really call friends. She was pretty, don’t get me wrong. She had shoulder length brown hair and a rather petite figure. She was everything I wasn’t in high school, probably everything Marsh should have chosen to be with. I didn’t let him see me; I was a coward, yep I’m still one of those, and ducked into Express. Ducking in there wasn’t the biggest mistake I made; I left with a pair of skinny jeans and a really cute sequin tank top that I felt I couldn’t live without. Talk about a nice distraction. Dad wants to keep a credit card in my possession? I’ll gladly use it.

  I’ll admit jealousy was running through my veins and I was a little, ok a lot, hurt that he’d moved on so quickly. It’s only been a month and two weeks and he had the ring he was going to give me. Maybe he wasn’t that serious about wanting to marry me since he was already holding hands with her in public. Doubts began to swirl around in my head in an unwelcome manner. Did he really love me like he said he did? Was I anything to him? No doubt he’d be moving her into what was supposed to be our place in no time. He was ready to settle down and I was too but well, I guess that just wasn’t in the cards for us.

  When I got home that night, I cried and a whole tear soaked pillow later, I was ready to move on and let go. Marsh had, I saw that clear as crystal and so could I.

  Dad was in a rather decent mood when I got home but as soon as he saw me, his smile somewhat faded into a scowl and I could practically see the smoke signals telling me to leave.

  “Hey Dad, how was work?” Sometimes I’m not sure why I bother anymore, but I miss talking to him. I miss the good days.

  “Cut the shit Samantha. Why have you been cooped up in your damn room? Marsh smarten up and leave you? He’s going places you know. As soon as I can figure how to get him on the force with me, he’ll be doing well and can move on from this rut you put him in.” What the hell? I can’t believe he just went there. I so badly want to scream at him that all this is his fault. He caused all this for me but I can’t because I know I will trigger the side of him that I hate the most. The part of him that I’ve only known for a little bit, the part that I hated with all my might.

  I blinked away the tears and smiled the fakest smile I could come up with. The words sarcastically fell from my lips before I could stop them. “I broke up with him Dad.”

  The back of his hand connected with my cheek and I drew in a deep breath as I ran to my room and locked the door behind me. I can’t sit here and let this continue to happen. I shouldn’t have been so stupid and I should have let Marsh take me away like he wanted to but that was in the past and it was too late. That comment was so out of line and I’m severely pissed. I’ve never worked a day in my life but I think it’s about time I start. The math in my head makes sense, if I can get a decent paying job and save all my checks, then I can get out of this once-happy home in a reasonable amount of time. Living here has become a complete nightmare.

  When I wake in the morning, I take notice of how quiet the house is and I’m rather excited to know that he’s at work and can’t hurt me right now. I really should start looking for a job so I can put my plan into motion.

  When I should be putting on a nice pair of slacks and a button up shirt for a job search, I instead throw on a dark gray t-shirt and a pair of pink exercise shorts. Once I put my tennis shoes on and throw my hair into a ponytail, I’m good to go. With my keys in my hand, immediately I head out the door to the freedom that awaits me and once I start my truck, I throw that damn Mumford and Sons CD on the floorboard because right now all they do is make me think of Marsh and I’m tired of that. I kinda catch myself laughing when the radio comes on and the first song I hear is “Back When” by Tim McGraw. Shit, if he only knew how much I miss back when but back when is over and I ke
ep telling myself it’s time to move on. That’s what today is, the first step in officially moving on.

  I’m not quite sure where I’m going once I start driving. I just know I get on the interstate and drive until the highway splits and I head towards downtown. I hate the downtown traffic; it’s enough to give me a damn coronary. No one uses blinkers, no one cares. I’ve witnessed this a few times and Dad used to tell me stories about accidents he saw. Lucky for me, not that many people are out and about yet and traffic seems to be flowing smoothly. The first exit I come across that shows hope of a Starbucks, I make sure to exit and the Tacoma goes where I want it to and soon I’m holding in my hand a wonderfully delicious grande java chip frappucino.

  An old sign with letters that probably need to be repainted catches my eye before I can leave the Starbucks parking lot and I can’t help but be drawn towards its tackiness. The sign reads Lou’s Gym and I’m not one to go into such places but desperate times call for desperate measures and suddenly it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all. Surely someone in this sweat-fest can teach me some self defense moves that I can use when shit gets tough at home, at least until I can get on my feet. I sit there in the parking lot staring at the building and my nerves start to overtake me. If anyone in here laughs at me, I just may run out crying but I feel that this is the place I need to be.