One Of The Guys

by Johnson, Ashley

  He led me to his room where I lay myself across his bed in an attempt to relax. He noticed my jacket and raised his eyebrows in concern but didn’t question me right away. I wasn’t ready to come clean about anything that happened in the last few hours and in all honesty I was absolutely dreading going home later. Dad was off work this evening and I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

  Marsh positioned himself on the side of me resting his hand across my stomach. I watched as his hand rose up and down with each breath I took. I found every bit of relaxation I needed right here in this moment.

  And geez I was burning up in this jacket but I couldn’t take it off. I mean I could and then pray he didn’t notice anything but right now I’m so scared to. My armpits are beginning to sweat and I already know here in a few minutes, I’ll be even more of a mess. I can’t take this off, I’m screwed. I have to think about something other than this, that’s easy. One look at Marsh and my mind ventures to a much happier place. A place where it’s just the two of us without a care in this world.

  I love the way his brown eyes shine when he looks at me and the way his lips curl up in that sexy smile. I love how he makes me feel safe and never want to leave. I can’t wait to get this apartment search going.

  “What are you thinking about Sam?” His brown eyes were piercing my soul and I know he could see something deep down, something more than I was telling him. Guilt consumed me as I tried my best to hide the truth and I hated myself for that.

  I smiled at him with my blue eyes and replied, “I’m thinking about how excited I am to look for our first place together.”

  “Really? Your dad take the news well?”

  No. He didn’t. He gripped my arm in a death lock and then slapped me across the face this morning. Chances are he has no memory of me even bringing the subject up and that was ok. I would just up and disappear one day and I pray he wouldn’t even notice.

  “Uh yeah, he’s pretty excited for us.” I managed to choke out with a fake ass smile on my face. Marsh bought it though because he had this goofy grin plastered all over his face like a little kid. I can’t believe he’s falling for this but at the same time, I’m glad he is.

  “That’s the best news I’ve ever heard.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead and more guilt began washing over me because I was a liar. A worthless chicken shit liar. I was completely dishonest with the one person I loved more than anything in this world.

  “So, um do you have the classifieds or something so we can look?” Because I’m pretty sure I’d move the hell out tonight if it were even somewhat possible. It’s not though obviously because we need our utilities turned on. Although I’m ok with doing it caveman/pioneer style.

  He leaned over towards his nightstand and his shirt crept up enough for me to see part of the cross tattoo he had on his side. I remember when he got that. It was right after his grandfather passed away. They were very close and Marsh took it pretty hard. I hate seeing a man cry; nothing breaks my heart more than that. Men aren’t supposed to cry, they’re tough, strong and they just don’t break down. I sat beside him while he got it holding his hand the whole time. He suggested I get one with him but I’m not much of one for pain. Don’t get me wrong, I totally love ink and think it’s hot especially on a guy but I’d rather not have one myself. It didn’t look too appealing when he got his, I watched as the artist wiped the excess ink away as he worked and the constant buzzing of the gun had me jumping the entire time.

  “I’ve got the paper right here babe. Let’s take a look.”

  I smiled as we opened the paper straight to the apartments and houses for rent. We circled a few that fit within our budget and he even called a few numbers. After getting a few prospects together we climbed into my truck and officially began the search. We stepped out the truck hands laced together as we walked up to the first choice. I fell in love with the first apartment. It was a cozy one bedroom, one bath apartment with cream colored walls. There were hardwood floors in all the rooms except for the bathroom that had an ocean-like colored tile laid out. Relaxing was the only thing I could think of to describe it. In an instant, I could see us coming home to this place. I could see strategically where the couch would sit; I could see him sitting down with my head in his lap while we watched television. He would run his fingers through my hair while possibly almost putting me to sleep. Oh man, I could see us starting our future here, together.

  “Marsh, I love this one.” I whispered as I leaned into his side.

  He looked at me with a smirk on his face. “You sure? It’s the first one we’ve seen. We can look some more if you’d like.”

  The apartment manager stood beside us watching us discuss our decision and Marsh was hoping to look around a little more I could tell. Me on the other hand, I was sold on this one. It just seemed so peaceful and home-like. That was what I needed right now and as long as he was here with me, then it was absolutely perfect.

  “I’m positive babe, I love this one and I think it’s perfect for us. But seriously if you want to look more we can.”

  “No, if this is what you want then it’s what I want. You know that. As long as I’m with you I don’t care.”

  I couldn’t help but grin as I took one more look around at our new place. Our. Place. The apartment manager shook our hands and congratulated us while we made our way to the office to sign the lease and get the paper work taken care of. I watched intently as Marsh’s hand held onto the pen, his left hand strategically signing his name on the off-white paper that locked us in for at least six months.

  Once we got back to his house, Marsh started setting up the utilities that were being turned on as soon as the next day and I was super excited to be able to spend every waking moment with him. This was a dream come true.

  He pulled me in for a hug dragging me down to the bed and as his arms squeezed around my upper arm, I let out a small wince and he felt my hesitation. I knew Dad’s force left marks but apparently they left bruises too and they hurt like hell.

  “You ok Sam? Something wrong?”

  Shit, he’s figuring me out and I can’t stand that right now. I have no control over this and it’s killing me.

  “I’m fine babe, you’re just so strong.”

  He cocked his head to the side out of confusion because he and I both know that he didn’t hug me that tight but he didn’t question me. Instead he lightly brushed his lips against mine and I eagerly met his deepening our kiss. He tugged at my jacket trying to get me to remove it and I felt a wave of panic overtake me. Shit, I can’t take the jacket off he’ll see the fingerprints and then there will be questions and I’ll have to give answers that I know I’m nowhere near ready to give. I’m not ready to give them because I have no idea what they are.

  “Can you just hold me right now; I just want to be next to you.” I sucked in a deep breath continuing to lie. I really did want him to hold me, that wasn’t the lie. I wanted him to hold me and never let me go. The lie was what was hiding under my jacket sleeve imprinted into my skin.

  He snaked his arm around me and pulled me close. His sweet cologne filled my nose and I tried my best to keep it with me for when I went home later. Maybe Dad won’t be there. That’s all I can hope for.

  “Have I told you how much I love you Sam?” That velvety smooth voice gets me every time. I love him so much it hurts. Happily ever after is right around the corner.

  “Every single day. Oh, and don’t stop because I love hearing it.”

  The kiss that came next lit my whole world on fire and I wish to hell I could let him make love to me but right now, it seemed far from right. I was aching for his touch, but I can’t let him. I hated that and I hated myself. Maybe this will never happen again and then I can forget that it ever happened to begin with but then in a few days, I’ll be out of that house and living with the most amazing boyfriend ever.

  Chapter 4

  Sam

  Two days. It’s been two days since Marsh signed papers on our apartme
nt. Two days since I started packing all my things in boxes. Two days since I’ve avoided Dad at all costs. We’ve held conversation through text messages but we haven’t seen each other face to face. I kept waiting for some sort of apology like maybe he had an out of body experience or something when he laid his hands on me but there was nothing so I didn’t bring it up. I’ll be gone soon enough. I’ll be gone and maybe one day we can figure out what happened, but until then I’m just getting by. That’s all I want to do anyway.

  As I look in the mirror, I see that I can no longer make out the fingerprints on my upper arm which makes me hella happy. Marsh was starting to think I was crazy for wearing a jacket because it wasn’t cool outside at all. Even I was beginning to think I was crazy.

  I changed into a pink tank top and threw on a pair of shorts ready to go help Marsh pick out our new furniture. I could hardly wait. I didn’t care what the couch looked like as long as it was comfortable and ours. I just wanted something to lie across and be able to watch cheesy Lifetime movies when Marsh is at work.

  I glanced back at my room before I walked out and thought to myself, just another day or so and then I never have to look at this room again. I can’t freaking wait. It was quiet in the house which I was thankful for. Avoiding him had been fairly easy and if things could continue to flow that smoothly until that day, then I was perfectly ok with that.

  No sooner I had that thought and crossed by the kitchen; his voice filled the quiet dense air. “You still got it in your head you’re moving out?”

  Slowly I turned after taking a deep breath and faced the man who now seemed like a complete stranger to me. He wasn’t in uniform which means he must be off work today. “I am Dad. Marsh signed lease papers two days ago. I already told you this.” I did and he was too drunk to hear a single damn word I said. That’s not my fault.

  He took a single step towards me and I took one back trying to distance myself from him. His eyes still looked bloodshot from I’m sure drinking the night before, either that or he wasn’t sleeping worth a shit. Really when did he get this bad because I’ve never seen it until now and frankly it scares the shit out of me.

  For my step back, he matched with another step forward and I realized I was against the wall with no where to go. He reeked of liquor and smelt like he hadn’t bathed in at least a few days.

  “You aren’t going anywhere Samantha do you hear me? You aren’t leaving me.” His loud voice screamed into my ears and I winced trying to keep my composure and my guard up.

  I couldn’t tell you what happened next because it happened so fast. All I know was I was lying on the ground and I felt his foot jab into my ribs some kind of hard. Something cracked, I know it had to or that was just the steel toe of his boot digging into my skin. I doubled over in pain trying not to let him see me cry but it was hard as hell considering.

  He mumbled something then disappeared from my view. Was he gone? God I hope so. I could feel my phone going off in my pocket and managed to pull it out. My body felt like a thousand sharp knives were piercing it, this was absolutely horrible. Marsh had texted to ask if I were on my way. I couldn’t even type out an answer to him. The tears just fell from my eyes making a whole puddle in front of me on the ground. Maybe if I were lucky I could drown in this puddle. Right now I wish I were drowning because it would sure as hell feel a lot better than this.

  After almost five minutes of crying and just sitting there, I tried to get up. I sunk back down to my knees clinching my stomach for dear life. My God, it hurt to breathe and oh no here come the tears again.

  Marsh sent another text saying he was starting to get worried about me. I didn’t need him showing up here that would ruin everything. I managed to text back.

  Me: Sorry, I’m running behind. On my way.

  Getting up was a challenge. Once I finally stood on my feet I had to grip the wall to keep from falling back down. With every breath I took, the pain continued to seer through my body. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells, I managed to get to the medicine cabinet. Besides the pain from my ribs, my head was now throbbing as if someone struck it with a hammer. Lying there on the counter was the picture of Mom from a few days ago. Quickly I scooped it up, folding it in half to put in my pocket. I wish I knew her. I wish I could hug her. A couple of ibuprofen later and a glass of water, I bolted out the door as quick as my legs would carry me and sat in my truck.

  Tears weren’t real anymore, or they didn’t seem to be. I was so numb from everything and the pain was so unreal, I couldn’t react anymore. The ibuprofen took a small fraction of the pain away but didn’t really put a dent in it. The smart Sam should have gone to the hospital and had it looked at to be safe, but this Sam is terrified and just wants to get away from it all. Strategically I had placed the picture of Mom on my dashboard. She was smiling at me, telling me everything was going to be alright. As I pulled up at Marsh’s house, I prayed he wouldn’t be waiting outside for me but apparently I had a death wish and there he was grinning like no tomorrow, until he saw my tear stained face.

  I never thought to stop in the parking lot and fix my face because of the pain inside me. My red, splotchy face was the least of my worries when I was trying hard as hell to breathe and not have it hurt. Just think of Mom, everything is going to be alright.

  Before I could think straight, my truck door was swung open and Marsh stood there frantically trying to figure out why I had been crying. Me, I was terrified to try to move out of the truck for fear I would immediately fall to the concrete driveway.

  “Sam, what’s wrong baby?” His brown eyes were full of concern and I fought a few more tears back as I continued to lie.

  “Just had a rough morning. Probably just hormones. I’m fine.” Oh no, here comes the pain and I winced trying to not let him see something really was wrong.

  He lightly kissed my head. “Come inside, I have the website pulled up for the furniture store so we can get an idea of what we want and prices before we go.” He reached his hand out to me and confidently I took it. I can do this. Stepping out of the truck was my first mistake and the pain did what I feared the most, my legs buckled from under me and I cried out in pain.

  “Holy shit Sam, are you alright?” Marsh scooped me into his arms with the hurt rib against his chest. I wanted so badly to cry out but held it in. He couldn’t know anything about this at all.

  As he laid me on his bed, I finally had the breath to be able to answer him. “I’m ok Marsh.”

  “If you’re ok, then what the hell was that Sam? I’m freaking out here. Your legs just gave out from under you; if I hadn’t been there you could have hurt yourself.”

  He positioned himself next to me wrapping his arms around my stomach out of habit. As soon as his hand hit the spot, I practically flew a few feet off the bed. A stray tear escaped and Marsh eyed me more suspiciously. Crap. I tried my best to let him see I was fine but he wasn’t buying it.

  Marsh grabbed the hem of my shirt before I could try to stop him and pulled it up revealing a light bruise over my ribcage. “What the fuck Sam? When did this happen? What happened?”

  Ashamed, I threw my hands over my face and prayed to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here with him finding this out. Ignoring him seemed to be the easiest answer I could come up with and I tried like hell until he let out an agitated sigh. I can’t blame him at all; at least he cares about me.

  “It was just an accident babe, I’m fine.”

  “What happened Sam?” He’s persistent and I know this but I’m up for an argument right now. I know eventually he’ll know but I need to stand my ground as long as possible.

  Except, the ground fell flat from under me when I burst out into ugly sobs. As I cried uncontrollably, he cradled my head in his lap. I closed my eyes and let the whole world go black for a split second trying to find the right words to say. There were no right words to say. I mean how do you just come out and say, my dad’s been abusing me for the past few days and I have no idea what to do about it? />
  “Marsh, I, I don’t know what happened.”

  “Baby, what do you mean you don’t know what happened?” He asked carefully.

  I draw in a deep breath still trying to figure how to put this together when I just start talking, “I….I don’t know why he’s do-o-oing this to me. Wh-hat did I do?”

  I glanced up at him ashamed that I was even beginning this conversation. What if he was pissed at me? Who could blame him? I lied to him and never told him when any of this started. He wasn’t mad though, he was sad. Tears glistened in his eyes and this marked the second time I’ve ever seen him cry and I hated that this time was because of me.

  “Your dad did this to you?” He asked in a barely audible whisper as he choked his tears back.

  How was I supposed to answer that question? I guess the right way would be to come clean and say yes but I don’t know if I can do that. I can’t really lie either because it’s clear as day what’s happened and I can’t lie my way out of this one.