MA03 Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  “That’s no problem,” my mentor winked. “I’ll teach you.”

  “Right now?” I questioned incredulously.

  “Sure. Didn’t you hear Quigley? It’s easy,” Aahz declared confidently. “Of course, you realize it isn’t really a ‘sleep’ spell. It’s more like suspended animation.”

  “Like what?” I blinked.

  “It’s a magikal slowing of the body’s metabolism,” he clarified helpfully. “If it were sleep as you perceive it, then you’d run into problems of dehydration and ...”

  “Aahz!” I interrupted, holding up a hand. “Is the spell easier than the explanation?”

  “Well, yes,” he admitted. “But I thought you’d like to know.”

  “Then just teach me the spell. Okay?”

  FORTUNATELY, the sleep spell was as easy to learn as Aahz had promised, and we left Griffin snoozing peacefully in a patch of weeds along the road.

  We took the precaution of circling Veygus to enter the city from a direction other than Ta-hoe. As it turned out it was a pointless exercise. Everyone in Veygus was too busy with their own business to even notice us, much less which direction we were coming from.

  “This is really great!” Aahz chortled, looking about the streets as we walked. “I could develop a real fondness for this dimension.”

  The war activities in Veygus were the same as we had witnessed in Ta-hoe, except the souvenirs were being made in red and white instead of blue and gold. I was starting to wonder if anyone was ever going to get around to actually fighting the war, or if they were all too busy making money.

  “Look at that, Aahz!” I exclaimed, pointing.

  There was a small crowd gathered, listening to a noisy orator.

  From what I could hear, their complaint was the same one we heard back in Ta-hoe: that the government’s withholding information about the war was hampering the odds-makers.

  “Yea. So?” my mentor shrugged.

  “I wonder if they’re bookies, too,” I speculated.

  “There’s one way to find out,” Aahz offered.

  Before I could reply, he had sauntered over to someone at the back of the crowd and engaged them in an animated conversation. There was nothing for me to do but wait ... and worry.

  “Good news, kid,” he beamed, rejoining me at last.

  “Tell me,” I pressed. “I could use some good news right about now.”

  “They’re giving three-to-one odds against Ta-hoe in the upcoming war.”

  It took me a moment to realize that was the extent of his information. “That’s it?” I frowned. “That’s your good news? It sounds to me like we’ve badly underestimated Veygus’s military strength.”

  “Relax, kid,” Aahz soothed. “Those are the same odds they’re offering in Ta-hoe against Veygus. Local bookies always have to weigh the odds in favor of the home team. Otherwise no one will bet against them.”

  Puzzled, I shook my head. “Okay, so they’re actually evenly matched,” I shrugged. “I still don’t see how that’s good news for us.”

  “Don’t you see?” my mentor urged. “That means the bookies are operating independently instead of as a combine. If we play our cards right, we could show a hefty profit from this mess.”

  Even though annoyed that Aahz could be thinking of money at a time like this, I was nonetheless intrigued with his logic. I mean, after all, he did train me.

  “By betting?” I asked. “How would we know which side to bet for?”

  “Not ‘bet for,’ bet against,” Aahz explained. “And we’d bet equal amounts against both sides.”

  I thought about this a few moments, nodding knowingly all the while, then gave up. “I don’t get it,” I admitted. “Betting the same amount for ... excuse me, against ... both sides, all we do is break even.”

  Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Think it through kid,” he insisted. “At three to one odds we can’t do anything but win. Say we bet a thousand against each team. If Ta-hoe wins, then we pay a thousand in Ta-hoe and collect three thousand in Veygus, for a net profit of two thousand. If Veygus wins, we reverse the process and still come out two thousand ahead.”

  “That’s not a bad plan,” I said judiciously, “but I can see three things wrong with it. First, we don’t have a thousand with us to bet ...”

  “We could hop back to Klah and get it,” Aahz countered.

  “ ...Second, we don’t have the time ...”

  “It wouldn’t take that long,” my mentor protested.

  “Third, if our mission’s successful, there won’t be a war.” Aahz’s mouth was open for a response, and that’s where it stayed—open, and blissfully noiseless as he thought about my argument.

  “Got you there, didn’t I, Aahz?” I grinned.

  “I wonder what the odds are that there won’t be a war,” he mused, casting a wistful eye at the crowd of bookies.

  “Com’on, Aahz,” I sighed, tugging bravely at his arm, “we’ve got a heist to scout.”

  “First,” he corrected firmly, “we have to check out this Massha character.”

  I had hoped he had forgotten, but then, this adventure was not being typified by its phenomenally good luck.

  We picked our way across Veygus, occasionally stopping people to ask directions, and arrived at last outside the dwelling of the town magician. It was an unimposing structure, barely inside the eastern limits of the city, and exuded an intriguing array of aromas.

  “Not much of a hangout for a powerful magician, eh, Aahz?” I commented, trying to bolster my sagging courage.

  “Remember where you were living when we first met?” my mentor retorted, never taking his eyes from the building.

  I did. The one-room clapboard shack where I had first studied magik with Garkin made this place look like a veritable palace.

  “What I can’t figure out is why Massha settled for this place,” Aahz continued, talking as much to himself as to me. “If what Griffin said is true, she could have had any place in town to work from. Tell you what, kid. Check for force lines, will you?”

  I obediently closed my eyes and stretched out my mind, searching for those invisible currents of magikal power which those in the profession tap for their own use. I didn’t have to look hard. “Aahz!” I gasped. “There are four ... no five ... force lines intersecting here. Three in the air and two in the ground.”

  “I thought so,” my mentor nodded grimly. “This location wasn’t chosen by accident. She’s got power to spare, if she knows how to use it.”

  “But what can we do if she’s that powerful?” I moaned.

  “Relax, kid,” Aahz smiled. “Remember, the power’s there for anyone to use. You can tap into it as easily as she can.”

  “That’s right,” I said, relaxing slightly, but not much. “Okay, what’s our plan?”

  “I don’t really know,” he admitted, heading for the door. “We’ll just have to play this by ear.”

  Somehow that phrase rang a bell in my memory. “Say—um, Aahz,” I stammered. “Remembering how things went back in Ta-hoe, this time let’s play it by your ear. Okay?”

  “You took the words right out of my mouth,” Aahz grinned. “Just remember to check her aura as soon as we get inside. It’ll help to know if she’s local or if we’re dealing with imported help.”

  So saying, he raised his hand and began rapping on the door. I say ‘began’ because between the second and third rap, the door flew open with alarming speed.

  “What do you ... well, hello there, boys.”

  “Are ... um ... are you Massha, the magician?” Aahz stammered, both taken aback and stepping back.

  “Can you imagine anyone else fitting the description?” came the throaty chuckle in response.

  She was right. I had not seen anyone on Jahk—heck, in several dimensions, who looked anything like
the figure framed in the open door. Massha was immense, in girth if not in height. She filled the doorway to overflowing—and it wasn’t that narrow a door. Still, size alone doth not a pageant make. Massha might have been overlooked as just another large woman were it not for her garments.

  Purple and green warred with each other across her tent-like dress, and her bright orange hair draped across one shoulder in dirty strings did nothing toward encouraging an early settlement. And jewelry! Massha was wearing enough in the way of earrings, rings and necklaces to open her own store. She wasn’t a sample case, she was the entire inventory!

  Her face was nothing to write home about—unless you’re really into depressing letters. Bad teeth were framed by fleshy chapped lips, and her pig-like eyes peering from the depths of her numerous smile wrinkles were difficult to distinguish from her other skin blemishes.

  I’ve seen some distinctive looking women in my travels, but Massha took the cake, platter, and tablecloth.

  “Did you boys just come to stare?” the apparition asked, “or can I do something for you?”

  “We ... um ... we need help,” Aahz managed.

  I wasn’t sure if he was talking about our mission or our immediate situation, but either way I agreed with him whole-heartedly.

  “Well, you came to the right place,” Massha leered. “Step into my parlor and we’ll discuss what I’ve got that you want—and vice versa.”

  Aahz followed her into the building, leaving me no choice but to trail along. He surprised me, though, by dropping back slightly to seek my advice.

  “What’s the word, kid?” he hissed.

  “How about ‘repulsive?’” I suggested.

  That earned me another dig in the ribs.

  “I meant about her aura. What’s the matter, did you forget?”

  As a matter of fact, I had. Now that I had been so forcefully reminded, though, I hurriedly checked for magikal emanations.

  “She’s got—no, wait a minute,” I corrected. “It isn’t her, it’s her jewelry. It’s magikal, but she isn’t.”

  “I thought so,” Aahz nodded. “Okay. Now we know what we’re dealing with.”

  “We do?” I asked.

  “She’s a mechanic,” my mentor explained hurriedly. “Gimmick magik with her jewelry. Totally different than the stuff I’ve been teaching you.”

  “You mean you think I could beat her in a fair fight?”

  “I didn’t say that,” he corrected. “It all depends on what kind of jewelry she’s got—and from what we’ve seen so far, she’s got a lot.”

  “Oh,” I sagged. “What are we going to do?”

  “Don’t worry, kid,” Aahz winked. “Fair fights have never been my specialty. As long as she doesn’t know you’re a magician, we’ve got a big advantage.”

  Any further questions I might have had were forgotten as we arrived at our destination. Having just left Quigley’s dwelling, I was unprepared for what Massha used for an office.

  To say it was a bedroom would be an understatement. It was the gaudiest collection of tassels, pillows, and erotic statues I had seen this side of the Bazaar at Deva. Colors screamed and clawed at each other, making me wonder if Massha were actually colorblind. As fast as the thought occurred to me, I discarded it. No one could select so many clashing colors by sheer chance.

  “Sit down, boys,” Massha smiled, sinking onto the parade-ground-sized bed. “Take off your things and we’ll get started.”

  My life flashed before my eyes. While I had secretly dreamed of a career as a ladies’ man, I had never envisioned it starting like this! If I had, I might have become a monk.

  Even Aahz, with his vast experience, seemed at a loss. “Well, actually,” he protested. “We don’t have much time ...”

  “You misunderstand me,” Massha waved, fanning the air with a massive hand. “What I meant was, take off your disguises.”

  “Our disguises?” I blurted, swallowing hard.

  In reply, she held aloft her left hand, the index finger extended for us to see. The third—no—it was the fourth—ring was blinking a brilliant purple.

  “This little toy says you’re not only magicians, you’re disguised,” she grinned. “Now, I’m as sociable as the next person but I like to see who I’m doing business with. In fact, I insist!”

  As she spoke, the door behind us slammed shut and locked with an audible click.

  So much for our big advantage.

  THERE WAS a long silent moment of frozen immobility. Then Aahz turned to me with an exaggerated shrug.

  “Well,” he sighed, “I guess she’s got us dead to rights. There’s no arguing with technology, you know. It never makes mistakes.”

  I almost missed his wink, and even then I was slow to realize what he was up to.

  “With your permission, dear lady ...” Making a half bow at Massha, he began making a series of graceful passes with his hand in the air in front of him.

  It was all very puzzling. Aahz had lost all his magikal powers back when ... Then it hit me. Massha thought we were both magicians! Aahz was trying to maintain the illusion and could very well pull it off—if I got busy and backed his move.

  As inconspicuously as possible, I closed my eyes and got to work stripping away his disguise.

  “A Pervert!” Massha crowed in tribute to my efforts. “Well whadaya know. Thought you walked funny for a Jahk.”

  “Actually,” Aahz corrected smoothly, “as a native of Perve I prefer to be called a ‘pervect.’”

  “I don’t care what ya call yerself,” she winked lewdly. “I’m more interested in how ya act.”

  I was just beginning to enjoy my mentor’s discomfort when Massha turned her attentions on me.

  “How ‘bout you, sport?” she pressed. “You don’t say much, let’s see what yer hiding.”

  I resisted an impulse to clutch wildly at my clothes, and instead set about restoring my normal appearance.

  “A Klahd—and a young one at that,” Massha proclaimed, cocking her head as she examined me. “Well, no matter, by the time old Massha’s through with you ... say!”

  Her eyes suddenly opened wide and her gaze darted to Aahz, then back to me.

  “A Klahd traveling with a Pervert ... your name wouldn’t be Skeeve, would it?”

  “You’ve heard of me?” I blinked, both startled and flattered.

  “Heard of you?” she laughed. “The last time I dropped into the Bazaar, that’s all anyone was talking about.”

  “Really? What were they saying?” I urged.

  “Well, the word is that you put together a team of six and used ‘em to stop a whole army. It’s the most effective use of manpower anyone’s pulled off in centuries.”

  “It was actually eight, if you include Gleep and Berfert,” I admitted modestly.

  “Who?” she frowned.

  “A dragon and a salamander,” I explained. “It was such a successful venture I’d like to be sure everyone involved gets some credit.”

  “That’s decent of you,” Massha nodded approvingly. “Most folks I know in the trade try to hog all the glory when their plans work and only mention the help if they need someone to blame for failure.”

  “If you know Skeeve, here,” Aahz smiled, elbowing his way into the conversation, “then surely you know who I am.”

  “As a matter of fact, I don’t,” Massha shrugged. “I heard there was a loud-mouthed Pervert along, but no one mentioned his name.”

  “Oh really?” Aahz asked, showing a suspicious number of teeth. “A loud-mouthed Pervert, eh? And just who did you hear that from?”

  “Um ... in that case,” I interrupted hastily, “allow me to introduce my friend and colleague, Aahz.”

  “Aahz?” Massha repeated, raising an eyebrow. “As in ...”

  “No relation,” Aahz assured her.
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br />   “Oh,” she nodded.

  “Mind if I have some wine?” my mentor asked, gesturing grandly at the wine pitcher on a nearby table. “It’s been a long dry trip.”

  This time I was ready, and covertly levitated the pitcher into his waiting hand. The thought of embarrassing him by leaving the wine where it was never entered my mind. We were still in a tight spot, and anything we could do to keep Massha off balance was a good gamble.

  “So, what is a pair of big leaguers like you doing in Jahk?” Massha asked, leaning back into her silken pillows. “You boys wouldn’t be after my job, would you?”

  It occurred to me that all the employed magicians I was meeting shared a common paranoia about losing their jobs.

  “I assure you,” Aahz interjected quickly, “taking your job away from you is the furthest thing from our minds. If nothing else, we couldn’t pass the physical.”

  I almost asked ‘the physical what?’” but restrained myself. Verbal banter was Aahz’s forte, and for the time being my job was to give him room to operate.

  “Flattery will get you everywhere,” Massha chuckled appreciatively, “except around a direct question—and you haven’t answered mine. If you aren’t looking for work, what are you doing here?”

  That was a good question, and thankfully Aahz had an answer ready.

  “We’re just on a little vacation,” he lied, “and dropped by Jahk to try to make some of our money back in the gambling set.”

  “Gambling?” Massha frowned. “But the Big Game is over.”

  “The Big Game,” Aahz snorted. “I’ll level with you. We don’t know enough about spectator sports to bet on ‘em, but we do know wars—and we hear there’s one brewing. I figure if we can’t bet more intelligently than a bunch of yokels who haven’t seen a war in five hundred years, we deserve to lose our money.”

  “That explains what you’re doing in Jahk,” Massha nodded thoughtfully, “but it doesn’t say what you’re doing here—in my office here. What can I do for you you can’t do for yourselves?”