Chances & Choices

by Helen Karol

  Her tone was so disgruntled, Mary-Jane laughed. "It's a new venture for him. It's only natural he should be on edge so close to the release."

  Claire smiled, willing outwardly to accept Mary-Jane's assessment of the situation. Inwardly, however, she knew Julian's withdrawal from her over the past two weeks was due to more than preoccupation with his new line. It was a factor, but so was the fear she had recognised that morning two weeks ago.

  The more she tried to draw him close, the more he withdrew. He had hardly touched her during this time. When he wasn't working at his studio, he ensconced himself in his workroom, only coming to bed when he thought she was asleep.

  She never was.

  She would feel his weight depress the other side of the bed and long to rollover and take him in her arms, to hold him, reassure him, try and make him believe that losing himself in love for her did not have to mean a betrayal of his love for Susanna.

  Claire was sure this was the reason for his withdrawal; she could think of no other, and what took place on the evening of that Thursday, convinced her this was the reason.

  Julian had called her at work, asking if she still wished to attend the party they had been invited to that night. She would have preferred to spend the time alone with him, but she suspected he would probably work late if they didn't go, so she agreed to it.

  It was a much larger gathering than the one of the night before, and Claire spent most of the evening being introduced to acquaintances of Julian's she had never met. It made her aware of how different her status was now she was his wife. As merely a friend, it appeared she had not been of as great interest as she was now, and after a while she began to feel a bit like an animal in the zoo.

  It probably wouldn't have bothered her as much if it hadn't been for the fact that a number of the people had been acquainted with him during his marriage to Susanna, and his connection with the hostess was that she had once worked with Susanna; a situation which made Claire feel rather like a third party.

  What made Claire feel even worse was the certain knowledge that she wouldn't feel this way if she were sure of Julian's love; the knowledge of which made her feel resentful towards him. All this was bad enough, but it was what happened near the end of the evening that made it such a disaster.

  They were moving away from two couples Julian had just introduced her to when a group of people passed them, impeding their progress. The four people they had just left must not have noticed this because the two women began to discuss her and Julian.

  "Well, it's nice to see he's finally married again."

  At this point, Claire was quite glad she had overheard the comment. She had begun to feel that most of the people thought Julian shouldn't have married again. The other woman's answer made her feel even better.

  "Yes. And I think she's even more beautiful than Susanna. They're quite different types, but Susanna wasn't quite so stunning."

  Claire's delight in the comment faded a little, when it occurred to her that Julian might object to it. But he disabused her of the suspicion by whispering in her ear, a proud note in his voice.

  "I told you that hairstyle suited you."

  She was wearing it in the same style as when she interviewed him. The way was clear for them to pass, but neither of them tried to do so, eavesdropping shamelessly; an action they were both to regret.

  "I wonder if he loves her quite as intensely. I always thought I never saw a couple as crazy about each other as those two were."

  "It's hard to say. He's older now and less likely to show his feelings publicly, and she seems reserved as well. It's possible, but don't they say you only love like that once in a lifetime."

  Claire had heard more than enough; a fact that must have been apparent to Julian, because he took her arm to guide her through the crowd. But they didn't move away quickly enough to avoid hearing the next comment.

  "Yes, I've heard that said, I'm not sure if it's true, but one thing I do believe, when two people love as much as that it never lasts. Something always happens to end it. It's almost as if it were too beautiful to be allowed to be for any length of time, almost as if it tempts fate by its very existence."

  Claire winced as Julian gripped her arm in a vice-like hold, and looking up at him she saw the fleeting distress in his expression. She was concerned for him, but her concern was overwhelmed by a feeling of dismay that he could be so deeply affected by a reminder that his and Susanna's love had been tragically cut short. His reaction belied his assertion that Susanna was a topic that did not have to be skirted around. Oh it was alright to mention her casually or lightly, but to hear their love and it's tragic ending discussed in a romantic and touching manner was obviously too much for him to bear.

  He lessened his grip, murmuring an apology, before leading her through the crowd to say good-bye and thank their hostess. He didn't ask her if she wished to leave, he didn't have to; they both knew they couldn't stay.

  They were silent on the drive home, a heaviness pervading the interior of the car. Once home, Julian walked out to the deck without a word to her. The moon was full as it was the night Claire had returned from New York and she wished she could turn the clock back to that night.

  Why, she reconsidered, what difference would it make? Would she try and stop herself from falling in love with him? She did not have to search for the answer. Loving him was the most wonderful thing in her life and she was not ready to give it up.

  She walked out and stood silently beside him, her back to the railing. He was resting his hands on it, facing the opposite way from her, lost in his thoughts.

  Was he reliving the past, making love to a ghost, while ignoring the presence of a living woman, who could offer him so much love if only he would accept it?

  The thought angered Claire, she wanted to rail at him, tell him he was a fool to act this way.

  Her anger melted when he acknowledged her presence by reaching out and cupping her cheek. Turning her lips into his palm, she kissed it, intending to move into his arms after the gesture.

  Before she could do so, his hand dropped and he rested it back on the railing. She felt no rejection, understanding he had not known of her intention.

  Strangely, she felt closer to him than if she were in his arms, and she began to hope that he was not reliving the past but facing the future.

  When he spoke, his words seemed irrelevant at first, but as she thought she understood his meaning, her hope waned.

  "The Chinese believe when there's someone you love deeply and are proud of, you should deny your feelings and claim they're a disgrace to you, so the gods won't be jealous and take them from you."

  Claire spoke softly, hoping he would not be angry she should criticize him over this.

  "That's a primitive belief, Julian. Your emotions and experiences may incline you to believe it, but Susanna didn't die because you failed to hide your love for her."

  He wasn't angry, but his low answer angered her. "You don't understand, do you Claire."

  How could he! How could he patronize her, as if she were incapable of understanding the intensity of his love for his first wife? Didn't he know she loved him just as much?

  "Oh, I understand! I understand only too well. I wish to God, I didn't!"

  Pushing away from the railing, she left him as he called after her. He only called once and he did not follow her. When he came to bed later, and was met by her resistant back, he did not pull her towards him, as he had the night before.

  For the first night since their marriage, she did not fall asleep in his arms.

  She hadn't since.

  Her anger lasted only for that one night, and now she wished she could find the courage to speak to him about the subject. She had tried to approach him one night when he came to bed, but he pleaded fatigue and her courage failed her and she had not tried again.

  Instead, she would lie beside him listening to his breathing deepen into sleep, eventually drifting off into her own troubled rest.


  Regardless, she was still determined to draw him out, but she knew her timing was wrong. He was on edge over his new line. Claire suspected it was giving him trouble. She decided she would wait until after the release, then she would have it out with him, when he was more relaxed, more approachable.

  She only hoped the longing for him would not precipitate a disaster before then, that she would be able to hold on to the fine line of reason that was keeping her from exploding.

  She came out of her reverie to see Mary-Jane's expectant expression.

  "Sorry?"

  "I asked what you and that gorgeous husband of yours have planned for the weekend."

  Claire smiled, picking up on the first part of her sentence.

  "He is rather gorgeous, isn't he? Funny though, his good looks never really seem that important, only an added bonus."

  Mary-Jane adopted an exaggeratedly wise expression. "That is because you appreciate his inner beauty."

  Claire laughed at her affected solemnity and Mary-Jane joined her. After their laughter subsided the brunette added.

  "Seriously Claire, he is pretty special; you're very lucky. I'm glad you've realised that."

  Claire's expression grew thoughtful, she knew to what Mary-Jane was referring. Since that Thursday, two weeks ago, she had been impervious to Richard. It surprised her when she realised he no longer held any attraction for her.

  At first, she wondered if the attraction had been so purely chemical that it had fizzled out and stabilized. If it had, it was only one-sided; Richard was as adamant as ever in his attentions. Once he had grabbed her and kissed her when they were alone. His lips had left her own cold. She hadn't fought him and when she failed to respond, he had let her go, a strange expression in his eyes.

  He never touched her again after that, but she knew his eyes followed her and he still attempted to charm her with his smile. Claire no longer worried about being alone with him; he no longer held any fascination for her. And finally, she understood why. Her deep love for Julian cloaked her, protecting her, making her immune to temptation.

  "Well, are you going to tell me or not?"

  Claire looked at her blankly. The other woman sighed despairingly.

  "Your plans for the weekend."

  Claire's brow furrowed. "Julian's going to San Francisco and I'm going to sort out my apartment - I've put it off too long."

  Mary-Jane's tone was dry. "How exciting. Why aren't you going with him?"

  Claire stood; she didn't want Mary-Jane to notice her misery.

  "Its business, I'd probably never see him, and I really do have to get at my apartment."

  She refrained from adding she hadn't been asked, and that if Julian should change his mind and do so, she would be packed so fast it would make him dizzy - to hell with the apartment! But she knew he had no intention of asking her. The two days without him stretched out in front of her interminable and forlorn.

  She was surprised when Mary-Jane crossed towards her, her tone dropping conspiratorially

  “The reason I asked was because I want to invite you to a party - a birthday party - a surprise birthday party."

  Comprehension dawned on Claire as Mary-Jane looked back over her shoulder, as if she were afraid someone would come into the room.

  "Greg's birthday?"

  The other woman confirmed her deductions. "Sunday. I've invited him over in the afternoon and we're going to spring it on him. He has no idea, he doesn't even know I know it's his birthday."

  She looked so pleased with herself, Claire forgot her misery and chuckled.

  "Can you come?"

  "Well …" Claire hesitated, the memory of the consequences of another party she attended without Julian uppermost in her mind.

  "Come, Claire, it won't be the same without you. It would be better if Julian could come as well, but at least you should be there."

  Claire capitulated. This was different, she would be going alone and Richard probably wouldn't be there. Mary-Jane disliked him. She nodded her acceptance and was just about to confirm her beliefs over Richard's absence, when Greg came into the room.

  She flashed Mary-Jane a look of warning and they sprang guiltily apart, Mary-Jane returning to her desk with what she thought was a blank expression. Claire saw Greg stifle a smile, his eyes twinkling as he observed them both, and she suspected that Mary-Jane's confidence was very probably misplaced.

  Her suspicions were confirmed when, as they were leaving work, Greg pulled her aside in the parking lot and told her, out of Mary-Jane's hearing.

  "Don't forget my surprise party on Sunday."

  Claire laughed. "Oh, Greg, she's so sure you don't know."

  He grinned and looked fondly over at Mary-Jane who was eyeing them from the door of her car. "I know. Cute, ain't she."

  Joining Mary-Jane, he opened her door and helped her in the car. Leaning through her opened window, he started it. Mary-Jane eyed him suspiciously throughout the procedure, but he merely gave her a peck on the cheek and walked to his own car, whistling. Before he got in, he gave Claire a broad wink.

  Watching them drive separately away, she was aware of a feeling of envy. Their relationship appeared so uncomplicated; the secrets they kept from one another so innocent. She banged the steering wheel. The weekend had hardly begun and already she was feeling uncontrollably depressed.

  The house seemed so empty without him. He had caught an afternoon flight, making Claire wonder if the timing had been deliberate so she would not be able to see him off. Maybe she was just becoming paranoid. She fixed herself a sandwich, taking it into the living room; she didn't want to sit at that cosy nook without him. The fire she lit failed to make the place any cheerier and she found herself in bed at the ridiculous hour of nine o'clock.

  It wasn't any better there. She tossed and turned, sleep evading her, the bed huge without his solid form on the other side. She told herself she was stupid, she should have stayed at her apartment, but she had been loath to stay away from the house that held so many reminders of him. She punched her pillow. He was only gone for a weekend, not dead.

  The unfortunate thought chilled her. If she could miss him so much just because he was gone for a couple of days, how had Julian felt when he slept in this room with no hope of Susanna's return? Emotions warred within her; compassion for what he must have suffered with resentment for what she was suffering now. When sleep eventually claimed her, the pillow she rested upon was wet.

  The work necessary to sort out her apartment the next morning kept her busy, occupying her thoughts. She had decided to rent it out furnished, so it was only her personal belongings she had to move. She had brought a number of her things over to the beach-house a little at a time, but there was still a little of her wardrobe and all her books and ornaments. She wondered how they would look in Julian's house.

  Lately, she had been thinking she would like to make some changes, bring a few of her own tastes to the decor. How would Julian react to that - would he object to her changing Susanna's choices? Then she remembered the whole house had been redecorated a year before she left for New York. The memory surprised her. It shook the image she had created of Julian as the still grieving widower. How could he bear to have the memories of Susanna replaced?

  At the time she'd thought nothing of it, accepting his statement that the place hadn't been decorated for years. Now, in the light of her assessment of why he was denying herself his entire love, it seemed strange, out of place. Was it possible she was wrong? No, what, other reason could there be?

  Her thoughts returned to the present and travelled to the city almost four hundred miles north of her. What was he doing right now? Was he thinking of her? She rose from the box she was packing assailed with pangs of hunger for more than just food. She would go out and eat, better than sitting around here moping for something she couldn't have; at least not at this precise moment.

  The restaurant she chose had booths along the window. They were separated from one another by trailing gree
nery and trellising, and it was at one of these she chose to sit. She was settling back to enjoy her coffee after a delicious quiche, when she was startled to hear her own name through the trellising. It was not directed at her, but at the woman's lunch companion.

  "Claire Fitzpatrick, can you imagine. Who would have thought she would actually snare him."

  Claire disliked the use of the word snare, it made her sound calculating. Regardless, she pressed closer, anxious to hear the rest, failing at that moment to remember the pain caused by the last conversation she had eavesdropped upon.

  The other woman spoke. "Well, they were always together before she went to New York."

  "I know, but it was only platonic. She was a safe escort for him, kept off anyone else who had any ideas. She was far too young for him."

  "Maybe he was waiting for her to grow up."

  Claire's face took on a dreamy expression. The idea of Julian waiting patiently for her to mature appealed to her.

  "Rubbish!"

  Claire felt very uncharitable towards the unknown speaker, neither voice was recognizable to her.

  "He probably thought it was time he married again and she arrived back at the opportune moment."

  Her companion sounded doubtful, bless her. "I don't think so, I think he cares for her and he didn't have to marry again."

  The other woman snorted in a very unladylike fashion. It fitted Claire's picture of her. She suffered for her thoughts when the woman's next words twisted a knife in her heart.

  "Oh, he's fond of her, but he's certainly not crazy for her - she's not Susanna. I happen to know he's in San Francisco right now, without her and they've only been married a couple of months! Do you imagine he would ever have left Susanna behind if he didn't have to." There was a pause and then. "And of course he had to marry again, he wants children. He dotes on the Saunders’s brats. Claire's strong and healthy, unlike Susanna was. She'll be able to give him what he wants."

  Claire didn't wait to hear the reply to this. Throwing some money down on the table to cover her meal, she left the restaurant. As she reached her apartment block, she hesitated; she didn't feel like going up there and facing her fears alone. For the first time in her life, Claire regretted she did not have a big family she could go to now and have their love envelop her. Julian had always been her confidant, her rock in times of trouble - she had no one else now her trouble was him.