Chances & Choices

by Helen Karol

  Was she really so alone? Relief flooded her when it occurred to her that perhaps there was someone else. She left the building, got in her car, and drove to Andrea's house. On the way, she re-hashed the incident the woman's comments about children had evoked.

  It was the Friday morning: the morning after the ill-fated party. She had been in her bath room when she heard his voice. His words had been muffled and she had gone to the door and asked him to repeat his question. She never did find out what it was, because his voice trailed off immediately as his eyes fell on the small flat case she held in her hand.

  He took it from her, opening it. When he saw the contents, his face took on the emotionless expression Claire had come to realise masked his true feelings. It didn't matter this time, she could feel his anger radiating towards her.

  "I didn't know you were on the pill."

  "Yes, my New York doctor prescribed it when I was having problems with my cycle."

  He snapped the case shut, but he didn't hand it back to her, instead he began tapping it against his other hand in a gesture that revealed his true feelings even if his face and voice did not.

  "I seem to remember a report you did in college on these things. You gathered some interesting statistics. Have you found since those statistics were wrong, or have circumstances merely caused you to relax your concerns?"

  Trust him to remember the report. It annoyed her, especially in light of her own doubts when her doctor had prescribed them. She gave him the explanation the doctor had given her.

  "There have been a number of very significant improvements in past years. Many studies show beneficial side effects, resistance to infections, for instance."

  Julian was not impressed. "I see, so you no longer have any qualms about being used as a human guinea pig. Was that the term you used?"

  Claire could hardly believe it, it was exactly the term she used. She had been very proud of that report and she remembered practically every word. She had found documentation where the daughters of women who had used one particular prescription in the sixties and seventies had developed cervical cancer. It had been removed from the market and her prescription was part of one of the many more favourable studies. But it was amazing he remembered. Did he store everything he heard or read for future reference?

  "I had to do something."

  "How long did the doctor suggest you stay on it?"

  "Until I was alright."

  "You're not having problems now, are you?"

  She shook her head. "No."

  He gave his hand one final tap and then sent the case flying in the direction of her dresser, where it landed unerringly in the wastebasket at the side. Claire stared.

  "What do you think you're doing? You don't have any right to do that."

  "If you're not having problems; you don't need them."

  She objected more to his high-handed behaviour than to his logic, but she attempted to keep her own arguments rational.

  "It could start all over again. What do you suggest I do then?"

  "Go to your doctor here and have her take care of you."

  He turned around then, as if to close the subject, but her next words made him turn back.

  "I don't want to take the risk of getting pregnant, right now."

  "I see. I suppose we should have discussed it, but I want children and I assumed you would as well."

  "I do, but not right now. We've only been married a month and I have my career to think of."

  Claire knew she was close to babbling. She hadn't thought about it, but she didn't want a baby now and not for the reasons she stated. Her career was perfect for raising children, she could easily freelance if she decided to stay home with a baby. How could she explain to him that she didn't want to share him with a child when she suspected she was already sharing him with a memory?

  "You really feel strongly about waiting?"

  She nodded.

  "Alright. I trust I can hope you'll change your mind in the future. You won't decide you don't want any children at all."

  Her eyes flew up to his attempting to reassure him. "No. I definitely want children, just not right now."

  She knew she could never deny him anything he wanted so much. And she did want children, especially their children, but not while there was still this distance between them.

  "Okay." His eyes looked in the direction of the wastebasket. "There are other methods. I'll take care of it."

  She hadn't continued the discussion any further. Since then she'd had no opportunity to find out if he meant what he said. But that was not why she was disturbed; she did not suspect him of underhand motives. Claire might doubt the depths of his love, but she had no similar doubts about his integrity.

  What bothered her was the possibility that the woman in the restaurant might be right; that he had married her because he wanted children. The incident made her wonder if she was mistaken in believing his withdrawal from her was because he was afraid to become too involved with her and betray his love for Susanna.

  Maybe she was overestimating herself. Maybe she had no hope of inspiring a deep love in him. His withdrawal could just be attributed to a combination of a preoccupation with his new line and the fact that she didn't want to have a baby right away.

  But he'd said he loved her. Claire was confident he did...if only up to a point. Why had she eaten at that restaurant? Why did all these things have to come up complicating matters and confusing her?

  To Claire's relief Andrea was home. She had half-expected to find Marcie and the two boys visiting their grandparents, but Andrea responded negatively when Claire asked. "No. Stephen and I prefer to spend our Saturdays quietly."

  "Oh, if I'm disturbing you..."

  Andrea put her arm around Claire's waist and drew her into the house. "Don't be silly. You're not three, scampering, noisy, children. They're adorable, but exhausting. I am surprised to see you though, I thought you and Julian were in San Francisco.

  Claire was glad to hear Andrea’s reassurance; she would have hated to intrude. "No. He went alone. I stayed to sort out my apartment."

  "Are you selling it?"

  Claire shook her head, explaining she was leasing it. They discussed the various merits of both alternatives, as Claire followed Andrea to her sunny kitchen. Through the window, Claire could see Stephen bent over roses.

  "Coffee?"

  "Yes, please."

  They sat at different sides of the breakfast bar, after Andrea poured them coffee from her ever-ready pot.

  "This is nice. I'm glad you came over, Claire. We never seem to have time alone together. I'm not your generation, but I hope you feel you can think of me as a friend."

  The words were so exactly what Claire wanted to hear that she could feel a lump in her throat and she blurted out. "Andrea, why do you think Julian married me?"

  Andrea looked startled, but answered her immediately. "Why, because he loves you, why else?"

  This was just the opening Claire needed, and she found herself pouring out all her suspicions and the incidents that caused them. She felt a little embarrassed once she'd finished; Andrea probably didn't want to hear all this. However, Andrea patted her hand in a very motherly gesture and said.

  "I'm glad you came to me. I like to think next to you, I know Julian best."

  Claire sniffed. "Perhaps better, you knew him when he was married to Susanna."

  "Yes, Susanna was one of my closest friends, but you're his wife now, and you and Julian were practically inseparable for years." Her face took on a nostalgic expression. "Introducing you two was one of my better accomplishments. Not that I thought for a moment you would fall in love. I just thought you would be a comfort to each other, grieving as you both were. It wasn't long before I realised how well-suited you were, and I did begin to hope then. It took Julian almost four years, and you almost twice as long, but you did fall in love." She raised her coffee mug, but brought it back down again at Claire's startled look. “Didn't he tell you?"


  Claire found her voice. "I know he was attracted to me, but I don't think he's loved me that long."

  "He admitted it to me before you went to New York. I thought he was crazy to let you go - you could have met someone there and got married. He said you were too young. I disagreed at first, but I decided later he might be right; you had your career to think of. So I accepted his reasons, but now, I wonder if he might have had more personal ones."

  Claire picked up on her assertion that she could have married someone else. "I almost did. Well, maybe not married, but I did get pretty involved with someone."

  "Really, anyone I've met?"

  Claire told her. Andrea's eyes widened.

  "You naughty girl. Does Julian know you took him to the party?"

  Claire nodded.

  Andrea leaned closer. "He must have been furious!"

  Claire regretted mentioning the subject of Richard. She had omitted the events of that night deliberately and she had no intention of going into them now.

  "Not really. Julian doesn't get furious."

  Andrea took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. "It's cold. You haven't touched yours either. I'll get us some more."

  As she emptied and refilled their mugs, she continued the subject Claire wanted to avoid. "I'm surprised to hear that. He was terrifically possessive of Susanna at first. And he does so get furious. He has a terrible temper. You should have seen him sometimes and she never gave him a reason like you did."

  This information surprised Claire, but she didn't contradict Andrea; she must know what she was talking about.

  “They were very happy, but no couple have the perfect marriage, and I know she used to feel insulted by his jealousy. He got over it once he became more confident of her, but it was a real problem for a while. You know, I can almost see her sitting in that spot you're in now - so indignant.”

  "It's so ridiculous, Andrea," she'd say, "as if I'd even look at another man when I have Julian.” Andrea shook her head and smiled reminiscently. “It was true you know, she had eyes only for him."

  Claire looked down at her hands. It was strange to feel kinship with a woman who was dead, but she knew exactly how Susanna had felt. Ever since the night she had realised how deeply she loved Julian she hadn't even looked at another man, Richard included. However, Andrea misinterpreted her silence.

  "Oh dear. I'm not helping much, am I? But I can't help thinking you're wrong. I'm sure he doesn't still love Susanna. He still cherishes her memory, which is only natural, but he loves you. He was younger then; he probably realised you took Richard in a fit of pique and accepted it as such. That's a sign of his maturity, not lack of love."

  She passed Claire her coffee, and urged her to drink it. Claire did so and then replied.

  "You're probably right about that incident, but as for how much he loves me..." She shook her head. "I agree controlling one's emotions is a sign of maturity, but not as much as he does, Andrea. Not to the point of repression. He may have a terrible temper, but I've never seen it. And as you say, I've given him good reason. He curbs his temper, just like everything else, and I wish I knew why. It's unnatural." She elaborated on her argument, betraying a confidence she never would have in a less emotional state. "He didn't make love to me completely until after we were married. He planned it that way."

  Andrea laughed. "Oh, Claire, a remark like that makes me realise, I'm really not your generation."

  Claire looked a little shamefaced, but answered gruffly. "Well, Julian is, pretty close anyway."

  "He was only twenty-three when he married Susanna and you must know by now, he's a romantic; he believes in commitments."

  "That's what I thought at first, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure of anything. Maybe you're right and he doesn't still love her, but I can't help feeling Susanna's mixed up in this somehow. Andrea, he's afraid to love me as much as he loved her. Is that natural?"

  "No, I don't suppose it is, but I don't know what can be wrong, unless..." Her brow furrowed. "Claire, losing a spouse is a devastating experience. Julian was shattered. Especially when he refused to believe she would die."

  "He refused to accept she was dying!"

  This was a surprising revelation to Claire and her tone echoed her feelings.

  "Oh, yes. It's not unusual. He was stunned at first, but once he got over that, he just denied it was possible. I think he really believed if he just loved her enough, he wouldn't lose her."

  They were both silent, the memory of past sorrow heavy in the air. Finally, Andrea patted Claire's hand.

  "I think we've talked about this enough. I have some ideas I have to toss around; we'll talk another time." She brightened. "Right now, let's go outside and, what is it they say - smell the flowers."

  Claire laughed, Andrea's irrepressible gaiety was infectious. She had done the right thing in coming to her. She didn't return to the apartment, staying for dinner at Andrea's. After dinner she drove home to the beach-house. Despite her intentions of the previous night, she couldn't stay away. Her talk with Andrea must have been therapeutic, because this night she slept more easily.

  She woke the next morning to the sound of the telephone. Groping blindly in the darkened room, she found it and put it to her ear, speaking groggily into the mouthpiece.

  "Hello."

  "You're not still in bed, are you?"

  Her heart leapt with fierce joy and another response even more violent. She really was hooked when just the sound of his voice could make her weak with desire. She tried to keep her voice normal, but she knew it was husky.

  "Why, what time is it?"

  "Almost twelve. You should keep the blind open - the sun would waken you."

  Claire blinked. "Can you see through the phone or something?"

  His rich laughter drifted through the phone making her toes curl. "No, I just know you."

  Do you? Do you know how much I love you and the pain your withdrawal from me is causing?

  No, he couldn't. He wasn't capable of deliberate cruelty.

  "How's San Francisco?"

  "Cold.”

  Serves you right, you could have taken me, I would have kept you warm.

  "When will you be home?”

  "I'm catching the eight o'clock flight."

  No point in asking him if he would like her to meet him; he'd parked his car at the airport.

  "Did you get everything taken care of?

  Did you miss me?

  "Yes, how about you?”

  Yes, I missed you like crazy.

  "No. I got a bit done yesterday, but I spent the afternoon at Andrea's and I'm going out today. Mary-Jane's throwing a surprise birthday party for Greg."

  There was a strained pause and Julian's next words were short and terse.

  "Will Blake be there?"

  This was unexpected, was he jealous after all? The possibility sent a queer thrill through her.

  "I don't think so, Mary-Jane doesn't care for him much."

  "I admire her discrimination."

  "Julian, you hardly know him."

  "I know you're still attracted to him or do you deny it?"

  Yes, I deny it. You're the only man I want.

  She stopped before the thought formed voice. All's fair in love and war. It may be the only weapon she had. Her answer was non-committal.

  "I'm married to you, Julian."

  There was another pause and then there was a distinct edge to his voice.

  "Just make sure you don't forget that fact!"

  He hung up before she could answer him. Claire sat in the dark, the phone still in her hand. Should she phone him back? Better not to - she didn't want to risk a fight long distance. She banged down the phone. She didn't know why she loved him anyway - he was an unfeeling pig!

  If only that were true it wouldn't hurt so much. She knew how much she was being denied.

  She was the last to arrive at Mary-Jane's apartment. Mary-Jane pulled her in and shoved her towards the bedroom.

  “I
t's about time. I was beginning to think Greg would arrive before you."

  She didn't give Claire a chance to speak, which didn't matter - Claire was speechless anyway. Among the roomful of people was Richard's confident figure.

  Oh no, how was she going to explain this. Giving Julian reason to wonder was one thing, lying to him was quite another. She squared her shoulders, she hadn't lied, she did think Richard wouldn't be invited. Would Julian believe her? She just wanted to stir him up a little, not alienate him completely.

  The doorbell rang and they could hear Greg's voice. A few people fidgeted and one girl stifled a giggle. From the living room, they heard the pre-arranged signal and everyone lunged out yelling.

  "Surprise!"

  Greg managed to act so surprised that even she was almost convinced he had no knowledge of the plan. He certainly managed to convince Mary-Jane. Later, when most of the excitement had died down and people had split up into groups, the brunette joined Claire.

  "He really had no idea - it was great. I wondered a little on Friday. What did he say to you in the parking lot?"

  "Oh, just something about work. I'm surprised to see Richard here, I thought you disliked him."

  She asked the question as much from a desire to steer the other woman away from an awkward topic, as out of curiosity. Mary-Jane wrinkled her nose.

  "I do, but Greg doesn't. He has deplorable taste."

  "Oh, I don't know, he loves you."

  Mary-Jane chuckled. "I rest my case." But her eyes were glowing, Claire's comment obviously delighting her.

  Claire mingled with the crowd talking and laughing, but she felt out of place. She knew very few people apart from the magazine staff. Normally, this would not have bothered her. She had overcome her awkwardness with new people a long time ago; it was a prerequisite of her profession, so it was not shyness that made her feel ill-at-ease.

  The fact was, she didn't really want to be here. She wished she were four hundred miles away, in a hotel room, or anywhere else he happened to be, not in this crowded room making small-talk.