Batpants!

by Batpants! (retail) (epub)

  The Colorado Kate films are about a daredevil adventuress, starring Frangelika Wotnot as Kate. Kate is always getting captured, or chased, or she’s fighting bears, monsters, zombies, vampires, whatever.

  When Colorado Kate runs away, she always loses a shoe or twists her ankle. Oh no! Now she can’t run fast enough! Colorado stumbles! Colorado falls! The bear-monster-zombie-vampire-whatever will surely catch her and then Colorado will DIE!

  As if ! Kate always saves herself in the nick of time because she is STRONG and CLEVER and GOOD. (And unbelievable.) Besides, she’s usually rescued by her latest hunky boyfriend and collapses into his arms. Smooch smooch, snog snog, yuck yuck.

  Anyhow, Frangelika Wotnot can’t possibly do all that awfully dangerous and messy stuff. She only does the safe bits like the snogging (if you call that safe) because she is the STAR and she must NEVER get her hair in a MESS. So guess who DOES do all the dangerous stuff ? That’s right. Emma Lovehart, top stuntwoman and our mum. Ta-ra, ta-ra!

  Mum often spends months filming and do you know what she does when she gets home? She sleeps under the kitchen table! Just for the first few days, anyway.

  ‘I’ve spent the last three months doing stunts. I’ve been thrown off buildings, blown up, jumped from cars and have fought giant snakes. The only place I want to be now is somewhere I can’t fall out of bed and nothing can land on top of me or try to kill me, plus some peace and quiet.’ And she crawls under the table with armfuls of cushions and blankets, curls up and sleeps like a baby.

  Now Mum was going to work on a new Colorado film and that meant she would be standing in for Frangelika Wotnot. I mean, FRANGELIKA WOTNOT! She is about as peachy as anyone can get.

  ‘We might get to meet her,’ I whispered to Finn, but he wasn’t listening. Something was bothering him.

  ‘What about Batpants? Who’s going to look after her?’ he asked.

  ‘Plooop-plooop-plooop,’ complained the orang-utan. Sometimes I think she understands every word we say.

  Dad chucked several more pieces of toast into the bread basket. They were instantly snaffled, mostly by Zak. ‘It’s not a problem. Batpants is in the film too.’

  I was outraged. ‘How come a useless orang-utan gets to be in the film and we don’t? That’s not fair!’

  Dad shrugged. ‘Life is never fair, Tilly,’ he said.

  ‘You always say that,’ grumbled Zak.

  ‘Because it’s true, and we deal with it. I thought you’d be pleased about Batpants.’

  ‘I’m pleased!’ cried Finn, pushing his hands against the table edge and leaning back on his chair. ‘I think it’s absolutely fantasti-bubbly-crumbo! Aaargh!’

  The chair legs slid away from him and crashed to the floor. Finn clawed wildly at the table to save himself before vanishing completely from sight, pulling the cloth with him. Two cereal bowls, the milk, the bread basket, jam pot, sugar bowl and three side plates vanished with him.

  KRRACKKK!

  KERRUNCH!! SPINNGG!

  SKRROWWKK!

  For a few moments there was silence, then Batpants covered her eyes with both arms. ‘Whoooooooo!’ she moaned.

  A hand reached up from below and clutched the table again. A cereal bowl appeared, upside down, on top of Finn’s head. Finally his face came into view, dripping with milk. Bits of cereal were stuck in his hair.

  ‘Sorry?’ he pleaded.

  Mum lifted the bowl from his head and put it to one side. ‘You can tidy up,’ she sentenced, like a judge. ‘Rubbish and breakages into the bin. Sweep and mop the floor. Do the washing-up and drying-up. Batpants behaves better than you.’

  The ape heard her name and lowered her arms from her face. She picked up the jam knife and used it to inspect her left armpit as if it was something very important and serious that she had to attend to.

  ‘On second thoughts that orang-utan is just as bad,’ muttered Mum, changing her mind. ‘She can help too.’

  4 The Greatest

  Stuntwoman

  in the World?

  Let me tell you that a film set is a strange place. First of all it’s mostly pretend. The buildings often only have a front because that’s all you see in the film. You walk through a front door and immediately you’re outside again. There’s stuff lying about everywhere – cars, cranes, pianos, plastic hippos, fountains, giant cakes, half a ship – it could be anything.

  And there are real film stars wandering about, right in front of you! You know, the people you read about in magazines.

  Victoria Sponge poses on the red carpet at last night’s Oscar ceremony.

  Handsome hunk, Manley Strutt, relaxing in his Jacuzzi.

  Finn and I love it. We wander about, trying to sneak into film sessions by mingling with the extras in crowd scenes. Sometimes we’re spotted and get thrown out (rats!), but occasionally we’ve ended up in the actual movie. I’ve been in two films already. But we were especially excited to be on this film set, even Zak, who was trying to act cool.

  As soon as we got to Murkley Abbey we went out for an explore. That meant all four of us – Batpants, Zak, Finn and me. We wandered about the place to see if any filming had started or maybe spot a few peachy film stars. It was pretty quiet, though.

  Batpants was trailing behind us, swinging a big stick she had picked up. She kept banging it against the back of Zak’s legs, trying to trip him up. That got Zak SO angry and Finn and I fell about laughing.

  ‘Will you stop that, you boneless bonehead!’ Zak yanked the stick from Batpants and hurled it as hard as he could to one side. A second later there was a loud CRUMPP! as it hit the roof of a nearby caravan.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ murmured Finn, and Batpants covered her head and gave a low moan.

  A door flew open and a woman came charging out. ‘Was that you children? What did you throw at my home? Why have you got a baboon with you?’

  ‘Sorry. It’s Batpants,’ said Zak, quickly inventing an excuse. ‘She likes us to throw sticks for her.’

  ‘And she’s not a baboon,’ I pointed out. I hate it when adults get things wrong. They’re supposed to know better. ‘She’s an orang-utan.’

  ‘I don’t care if she’s a meringue-utan,’ barked the woman. ‘Who are you, anyhow? I didn’t think children were allowed here.’

  Finn puffed out his chest. ‘Our mum does Frangelika Wotnot’s stunt work,’ he declared proudly. ‘She’s the best stuntwoman in the world! She can fall down stairs and everything.’

  The woman’s eyebrows shot up her forehead like a couple of crows taking off. ‘Is that so? Well, I can tell you that there’s more than one stuntwoman on this set and I’m every bit as good as she is and I can prove it. Wait there.’

  The woman whirled into her caravan, only to come hurtling back out a second later, clutching a picture frame. She thrust it at Zak. ‘See what that says?’

  We studied the photo, a signed portrait of film star Ethan Blade.

  ‘See?’ snapped Cressida. ‘If I’m good enough for Ethan, I’m good enough for anyone. In fact, if anyone should be Frangelika’s stuntwoman, it’s me. You don’t just fall down stairs, you know; you have to act.’ She nodded. ‘Yeah. And I’ve got a certificate for my acting.’

  Huh! That didn’t impress us. Anyone can have a certificate, and Finn told her so.

  ‘I’ve got a certificate for swimming,’ he said, ‘but Zak’s a better swimmer than me and he hasn’t got a certificate for ANYTHING.’

  ‘Not even playing the guitar,’ I added. Smirk smirk.

  ‘Bats can swim,’ Finn put in for good measure, ‘but hippos can’t. They just sort of bounce.’ We ignored him. ‘Underwater,’ he added, in case we hadn’t understood. (I told you he was weird.)

  Cressida Crappletart’s eyes narrowed to dagger points. ‘What a pair of clever clogs,’ she sneered. She glared at us for a few seconds longer, then went to take the photo back. Batpants had other ideas. She whipped the photo away from Zak’s hand, planted a massive, slobbery kiss on Ethan Blade’s face and lur
ched off, whooping and chattering.

  ‘Hoo hoo HAARRR!’ It was like she was saying: ‘Come and get me!’

  Cressida Crappletart set off after the ape, doing her own whooping. This was exactly what Batpants wanted. She shot up a tree, hauling herself up with easy swoops of her long arms.

  ‘You come back down here, you overgrown ginger mop!’ shouted Cressida.

  Batpants took no notice. She studied Ethan’s photo instead, tracing over his face with a long brown finger. Cressida climbed into the tree and quickly worked her way up.

  Batpants watched Cressida’s approach. She scratched behind her left ear. She scratched behind her right ear. She bared her teeth.

  ‘Don’t pull faces at me, you scrawny hairbag!’ Cressida warned.

  Batpants turned her back on the stuntwoman, raised her bottom from the branch and made a very rude noise.

  SPPPLURRGH!

  ‘You disgusting dirtpot!’ yelled Cressida. ‘Just you come here and say that. On second thoughts, don’t.’

  At that point Batpants got bored and let go of the photo. It crashed down through several branches before lodging in a fork of the tree. Cressida grabbed it and climbed down.

  ‘I’ll be speaking to your mother about this,’ she muttered, trying to clean ape-slobber from Ethan Blade’s face.

  ‘It’s not our fault,’ I said. ‘You try telling an orang-utan what to do.’

  ‘That’s no excuse. She’s a menace. She shouldn’t be on the set.’

  ‘She’s in the film,’ Zak stated bluntly. ‘That’s why she’s here.’

  Cressida Crappletart’s mouth snapped shut. For a moment she was speechless. She spun on her feet and stormed back into her caravan, slamming the door behind her so hard the TV aerial fell off the roof.

  I felt a fat, warm, hairy hand slide into mine. Batpants had slipped silently down from the tree and was back with us. She looked up at me with her huge, dark eyes as if to say: ‘What’s up with her? I am totally innocent.’

  As we turned to go and find Mum I thought I saw the curtains at one of the windows on Cressida’s caravan twitch. I wondered if she’d been watching us. That woman was KOOKY-SPOOKY.

  Finn and I were trailing behind our big brother when he suddenly stopped dead. Finn walked straight into his rear. SPLAMPFF! Zak hardly noticed. He was staring, goggle-eyed, at someone coming straight towards us.

  5 Strange Behaviour from a Pair

  of Mammals

  A teenage girl. I should have known. A girl. (I guess she did look OK, in a dopey kind of way.) Zak’s eyes were on stalks. Typical.

  ‘She’s pretty,’ Finn whispered to me.

  ‘Huh! You should get your eyes checked,’ I muttered. ‘She’s got a face like a squashed spider. With mushy peas on top.’

  Finn was dismayed. ‘Why would you squash a spider with mushy peas? That’s really cruel.’

  I didn’t have time to explain because Zak and the girl were making a beeline for each other and I wanted to see what happened. ‘Taisez-vous! Squashed-Spider Face is coming over.’

  ‘Hi!’ smiled the girl, showing perfect white teeth. ‘Haven’t seen you guys before.’ She had an American accent.

  Zak goggled at her even more. You’d think he’d been hypnotized by her big green eyes. Maybe he was. She had long black hair and wore skinny jeans with a vest top.

  Zak croaked a reply. ‘Huh.’

  I know, not really a reply at all, was it? They stood there gazing at each other. It reminded me of animal programmes on television. I sniggered and put on a low, serious voice to whisper to Finn.

  ‘The two humans meet in a clearing and communicate with each other by grunting. The female moves closer to inspect the male.’

  At that point, Squashed-Spider Face caught sight of Batpants, turned pale and started to back off.

  ‘Is that baboon OK? I mean, is he safe?’

  Safe? Baboon? Was the girl blind?

  ‘SHE is an ORANG-UTAN,’ I said sharply, while Batpants climbed up me and tried to play with the nest on my head. ‘She’s with us. She’s kind of a pet.’

  ‘Her name’s Batpants,’ Finn said proudly.

  ‘That is so cool – a pet orang-utan.’ The girl peered closely at my head. ‘Did Batpants stick those twigs in your hair?’

  ‘No, she didn’t and they’re not stuck, I put them there,’ I growled. ‘On purpose.’

  ‘She’s a Flower Fairy,’ chuckled Zak.

  ‘NO, I AM NOT!’ I folded my arms crossly. Zak can be such a pain. ‘Actually, if you must know, I am an eco-warrior. I’ve got willow and feathers in my hair to show that I am in tune with Planet Earth. All right?’

  ‘That’s cool!’ Squashed-Spider Face gave me a bright smile and, OK, she did look almost human when she smiled. She turned her gaze back to Zak. ‘Nice coat.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Zak. ‘Nice –’ he began, but couldn’t think how to finish. He’s hopeless with girls. No, I shall correct that. He’s just hopeless, full stop. ‘Nice – everything. Are you from round here?’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  Zak pressed ahead. ‘Me too.’ They nodded at each other for a moment and then Zak added, ever so casually, ‘I’m in a band.’

  I started my TV documentary voice again. ‘The male tries to get attention from the female by showing off while running his fingers through his purple mane.’

  ‘In a band? Really?’ smiled the girl. ‘That’s cool.’

  Zak tossed his hair once more. ‘Yeah – we’re recording, you know? Like, you know, me and the band – recording?’

  I went and stood beside him. ‘He’s in a band,’ I repeated, in case Zak saying it twice wasn’t enough. ‘They’re recording.’

  The girl flashed her white teeth in another broad smile. ‘I think I got that,’ she giggled.

  But Zak was not amused.

  ‘Take no notice of her,’ he swiped. ‘She’s just a baby.’

  ‘Take no notice of him,’ I parroted. ‘He’s waiting for a brain transplant.’

  The girl laughed and shook her head. ‘You guys! You’re funny. So are you the guitarist? What do you play?’

  ‘Thrash shed. The band’s called The Non-Organic Vegetables.’

  ‘Cool,’ said the girl admiringly. ‘That’s some name.’

  They smiled at each other again and Zak blushed. I went back to whispering my animal commentary into Finn’s ear. ‘The male changes colour while the female plays with her hair.’

  Finn laughed and I tried to explain the name of Zak’s band to the girl, sarcastically, of course. ‘Organic vegetables are so wimpy, don’t you think?’

  Zak eyed me with annoyance. ‘My little sister, Tilly the Silly. I’m Zak.’

  ‘Zak the Yak,’ I added, by way of getting even. ‘And that’s Finn.’

  The girl stretched out a hand towards Zak. ‘I’m Lacewing. Pleased to meet you guys.’

  Finn suddenly looked more interested. ‘Lacewings are insects,’ he declared. ‘You don’t look like an insect.’ (Actually, she did a bit. I mean, she was pretty long and thin. Bit like a millipede, but with only two legs.)

  ‘Really?’ Lacewing herself was surprised to hear this.

  Finn nodded. ‘Do you eat aphids? Because that’s what lacewings eat.’

  She looked to us for help. ‘Aphids?’

  ‘He’s mad about creepy-crawlies,’ I explained.

  ‘I think it’s a beautiful name,’ said Zak, his voice too loud. His face went red again.

  ‘I thank you, sir!’ Lacewing gave a little curtsey. ‘Did I tell you I sing?’

  ‘Really?’ Zak’s face flushed more. ‘I write music. Maybe you could sing with the Vegetables.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I murmured. ‘You could be a singing potato.’

  The girl laughed. ‘Your little sister is a real comedian!’

  ‘I AM NOT LITTLE!’ I roared, and I was pleased to see her take three steps back.

  Batpants chose that moment to amble forward, wrap one long arm round Lacewing
’s leg and park her backside on the girl’s foot. Lacewing pulled a face.

  ‘Are you sure she’s OK?’

  ‘She likes you,’ shrugged Finn.

  ‘So does Zak,’ I added. ‘He’d like to sit on your foot as well, but he’s too shy.’

  Zak snarled at me, so I stuck my tongue out at him.

  Lacewing laughed. ‘So, is it like I’m auditioning for you then?’

  ‘I guess,’ nodded Zak.

  ‘There’s an empty caravan near me. We could maybe use that,’ suggested Lacewing. ‘Mom and I were in it for a bit, but it was so weeny, you wouldn’t believe. Mom got us moved to a much bigger place.’

  DURRR! I’d just put two and two together and made a million. Surely this girl wasn’t… No, she couldn’t be… Surely not? I had to find out. ‘Is your mother involved with Colorado Kate?’ I tried to make it sound like a casual enquiry.

  ‘You bet she is,’ answered Lacewing. ‘She’s the main man – well, woman, of course.’ She gave a little giggle.

  My stomach turned inside out with excitement and I whispered to Finn. ‘She must be Frangelika Wotnot’s daughter! And she’s going to sing in Zak’s band! That is mega-zonic! And then they can get married and we’ll all go to Hollywood! Result!’

  Zak and Lacewing were so busy staring at each other with dopey eyes, they didn’t hear any of this. Eventually, Lacewing asked Zak when they should meet up.

  ‘Tomorrow morning,’ Zak said. ‘It’d be good to start right away, but our mum’s filming this afternoon and we’re going to watch. She’s a stuntwoman. So we’ll see you tomorrow?’ he added hopefully.

  ‘Sure thing,’ smiled Lacewing. ‘And, Zak, can I hear you play guitar sometime?’

  ‘It’d just be me,’ said Zak. ‘The rest of The Vegetables aren’t around.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t want to hear them,’ Lacewing said coyly. ‘Only you.’