Batpants!

by Batpants! (retail) (epub)

  Zak grinned as if he’d just won a shop full of chocolate. I clutched my stomach dramatically. ‘Urrrgh – I feel ill,’ I groaned, and staggered up the path.

  ‘Very funny, I don’t think,’ growled Zak, before brightening. ‘Tomorrow’s going to be brilliant. I can sense it. Totally brilliant.’

  6 Rats!

  Mum was filming in Murkley Abbey itself, which was an ancient, crumbling ruin of a place. It was hundreds of years old and looked about as cheerful as you would if you were that ancient. It was way too spooky – the sort of place where you expect to hear huge thunder bangs and crashing organ music being played by a mad goblin. So, probably not a good place to go for a holiday.

  However, it was the perfect place for Colorado Kate to get chased by wolves, fall down ancient wells, discover dust-encrusted skeletons, have lots of desperate adventures, narrow escapes and generally almost DIE. (Just like she did in the last film, and the one before that, and the one before that, etc., etc.)

  Mum and the film crew were down in a kind of cellar. Alana, the film’s director, was talking to guess who? Frangelika Wotnot! I mean, actually talking to her, like she was a real person. Of course I know film stars are real people, but, you know, this was Frangelika Wotnot! I wouldn’t have even dared to breathe near her, let alone speak to her.

  ‘This is the abbey’s crypt,’ Alana was saying. ‘It’s where they kept dead bodies.’

  ‘Is that right?’ asked Frangelika, glancing at the rows of cobwebbed coffins. ‘You mean there are still bodies in there?’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ nodded the director. ‘Skeletons.’

  Frangelika went very quiet.

  ‘You only have to run between them,’ Alana said encouragingly.

  Frangelika took another look at the drooping curtains of cobwebs hanging from the coffins. She screwed up her nose. ‘Can’t Emma cover that for me? She’s supposed to do all that kind of stuff.’

  I glanced at Mum and she winked back. Alana put a comforting hand on the film star’s shoulder. ‘It’s not dangerous. All you do is run through it. We need to see your face.’

  ‘It’s all icky,’ Frangelika complained. Honestly! Listening to her wittering on about a few cobwebs you’d think she was about three years old. Finn didn’t help, either.

  ‘Wow! Those webs are HUMONGOUS!’ he suddenly piped up. ‘The spiders in there must be mega-mugga-MASSIVE!’

  A tiny whimper escaped from Frangelika. I shoved a hand over my smile. The film star had turned so deathly pale it looked like she ought to be climbing into one of the coffins herself.

  ‘There are no spiders in there,’ the director assured Frangelika.

  ‘No?’ she squeaked. ‘But I’ll get cobwebs all over me.’

  ‘That’s the whole point,’ declared Alana. ‘You are supposed to come out looking awful and terrified. Everyone in the cinema will look at you and feel for you, Frangelika. They will feel your fear and think, Poor, poor Colorado Kate.’

  ‘They will?’ Frangelika had another look at the sagging cobwebs. ‘Can I have a shower immediately after?’

  Alana sighed. ‘When we’ve shot the scene, yes. Can we get on now? Let’s have the orang-utan – oh! There you are!’

  Batpants had already lurched across to join them. It was almost as if she knew she was needed. She reached out with a long arm and took hold of Frangelika’s hand. The star smiled.

  ‘You’re such a cutie, aren’t you, Batpants? Who’s a boo-boo-booful babe? Now, don’t you be a scaredy because Mamma is going to take you right through those icky sticky cobwebs, OK?’

  I groaned. How could she talk to Batpants like that? She was hardly a baby.

  ‘Quiet, everyone!’ shouted Alana as Frangelika and Batpants moved into position.

  I spotted Cressida Crappletart right at the back of the crypt, lurking behind some of the film crew. She was watching everything intently. A shiver ran up my spine. I don’t know what it was about that woman, but she gave me the heebie-jeebies.

  ‘Cameras ready,’ called the director. ‘Frangelika, all set to run through?’

  ‘I guess,’ whimpered the actress.

  Alana sat back in her director’s chair. ‘Ready; action!’

  Frangelika and Batpants plunged towards the cobwebs. As she hit them, Frangelika closed her eyes, flailed her arms and screamed.

  ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I hate this stuff!’ She came bursting out at the other end, panting heavily and clawing wildly at the cobwebs that clung to every inch of her face and body.

  ‘Purgh, purgh, purgh!’ she spat. ‘Where’s that shower? Quick!’

  ‘It’s a wrap,’ smiled the director. ‘Showers are back at your caravan.’

  ‘What?’ screeched Frangelika. ‘But my caravan’s a mile away and… and look at me!’ She stood there, arms straight by her sides as if she was waiting for someone to go over and start picking cobwebs off her.

  Batpants was wandering round in circles, trailing cobwebs and making small neep-neep noises. She sounded like a distressed duck.

  Mum went across to them both. ‘Don’t worry, Frange. You don’t look too bad.’ She helped brush the star down and gave her a tissue to wipe her face.

  Meanwhile, Batpants clambered into Mum’s arms and clung to her like a small child. Frangelika smiled gratefully at Mum.

  ‘Thanks, Em. You’re a real friend – not like some around here.’ Frangelika threw a cross glance at the director, who luckily wasn’t even looking her way. ‘Hey, Em, don’t you do something awful now?’

  Mum nodded. ‘Big scene. I have to cross the rat-infested sewer.’

  ‘Rather you than me. I don’t know how you can stand those critters,’ Frangelika said.

  Mum laughed. ‘Just between you and me, I can’t.’ That’s typical Mum. She does all these crazy things and makes light of them. She is SO brave and when I actually saw the sewer I had to swallow really hard. It was like, you know, THE CHASM OF DEATH.

  The sides were as steep as Mount Everest. Dark, slimy water oozed its way through the bottom. And there were dozens of rats, hundreds probably, swarming down there. The only way to cross the sewer was by a single, narrow beam of wood.

  I thought Finn might like the rats since he seemed to be in love with horrible beasties. However, he took one look at them and rushed over to Mum. ‘I don’t want you to jump that,’ he said. ‘Don’t do it, Mum, please.’

  Mum hugged him. ‘Finn, I do this sort of thing every day. All I do is run across that beam of wood there, you see it? Easy-peasy.’

  Yeah, well, Mum would say it was easy-peasy, wouldn’t she? After all, if she lost her balance there was only a three-metre drop, straight into a sewer full of rats. Aaaargh! Mum gathered us all round.

  ‘Listen. When I’m on that beam, it’s going to break. It won’t break completely, but I’m telling you now so you don’t get a shock when it happens. It’ll look like I might fall in, but of course I won’t. It will make the film look even more exciting. And don’t forget: keep absolutely quiet because the crew will be recording.’

  Mum took Batpants by the hand and they went to take up their position. I noticed that Cressida Crappletart was no longer hiding round the back. She had come forward so she could see the scene up close. Boy, did she give me the creeps!

  7 What Happened Next

  Alana glanced around the set. ‘Everyone ready? Rescue team on standby?’

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw the first-aid crew take up position with a stretcher. I knew this was normal practice, but it didn’t exactly make me feel any happier. But then I always get jittery when I see Mum in action. It’s scary, but exciting. I reminded myself that Mum had once been in the National Gymnastics Team. Balancing on a beam was like her best subject!

  ‘I’m ready,’ Mum called. ‘Batpants, time for a ride. Come on.’ She offered Batpants her hand. The ape lifted herself on to Mum’s back and sat there like some huge, hairy rucksack.

  ‘Go on, Mum!’ whispered Finn to himself. ‘You can do it!�
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  ‘Sssh!’ I hissed. My nerves were already jangling like a piano in a multiple pile-up.

  Zak tossed back his hair, revealing a deep frown of concentration.

  ‘Cameras one and three on Emma,’ ordered Alana. ‘Cameras two and four on the beam. Let’s roll. Action!’

  Mum had a ten-metre run-up. Her eyes were fixed on the plank. She whispered something to Batpants and then began to rock on her feet, backwards, then forwards. ‘One, two, THREE!’

  Mum sprinted forward. With the weight of Batpants on her back it was hard to accelerate, but Mum had calculated for everything. Meanwhile, I was digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands.

  As soon as Mum hit the beam we knew something was wrong. It was wobbling like crazy, but it was impossible for Mum to turn back. She was at full speed.

  The beam lurched violently. Mum’s foot slipped, she was falling, with the weight of Batpants pulling her down into the rat run. As she fell Mum managed to hook one leg over the beam. She swung loose and locked her other leg over.

  Now she was dangling upside down. Batpants lost her grip on Mum’s back and was now clinging to her arm with one hand. Below them, hundreds of rats gazed upwards, wondering if lunch was about to arrive. I was sure I could hear the gnashing of sharp little teeth.

  Batpants swung herself upwards. She clasped Mum’s chest and then her leg, clambering to safety. She paused to rest her bottom on Mum’s chin, which can’t have been very nice. Orangutan sandwich, anyone? Yuck.

  KERRUNCH!

  That was when the beam cracked halfway through, just as Mum had said it would. But I don’t think the pair of them were supposed to be hanging from it at that point. Mum’s legs almost lost their grip on the beam and she screamed.

  For a few seconds they hung there, fighting for breath, fighting to stay attached to the beam.

  SKKRRREAKKK!

  The splintered wood suddenly cracked further, lowering them deeper into the sewer.

  Batpants reached up with her long arm and grabbed the beam. A moment later she was astride it. She lay with her stomach on the beam, reaching down to Mum. They locked hands. Slowly, Batpants pulled Mum up and bit by bit they made their way to the far end of the beam and safety.

  Mum got to her feet, held on to Batpants and they ran on because they were still being filmed until, ‘CUT!’ cried Alana. Phew!

  The moment filming stopped, the cheering broke out and I was able to breathe again. The crew were whooping and throwing hats into the air. Alana was beaming with delight. Not only had Mum and Batpants survived, but they had got the best bit of film ever – even more exciting than what had been planned.

  ‘Oh boy!’ laughed the director. ‘You had us worried there, Emma. That was truly nail-biting. Great stuff! Great stuff!’

  Zak gave Mum a big hug and whispered in her ear. ‘Don’t you ever do that again, Mum. I was freaking out.’ Then he quickly let her go, tossed back his hair and tried to look the coolest of the cool, with added ice cubes.

  And then who should come over to add her congratulations – Cressida Crappletart! That was one big surprise, I can tell you.

  ‘You did well there, Emma. Held your nerve and everything. Glad you’re OK.’ Cressida nodded quietly and left.

  What is she like? Spooky, that’s what.

  Alana decided they’d had enough excitement for one day and called a halt. The crew cleared away and one by one everybody went, leaving us in the ancient abbey. Silence slowly filled the ruin. I shuddered.

  I thought Zak looked really at home in the gloomy old building, what with his long black coat and purple hair. I could easily picture him drifting about the grounds at night, like a ghastly ghoul, frightening people.

  ‘Let’s go,’ I said, but Zak held back, gazing at the sewer.

  ‘I’m going to take a look at that beam,’ he said. ‘I want to know why it wobbled so much.’

  ‘Can’t we just go?’ I asked. ‘This place gives me the creeps.’

  ‘Five minutes,’ Zak muttered, and went across to the broken plank. He scraped the ground at the far end with his shoe. Then he bent down and looked more closely. Finally he got to his knees and poked about with his fingers. He pulled at something, got up and walked back to us. He was tossing something up and down in the palm of his hand.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  ‘A stone,’ said Zak. ‘It was under the beam. This is what made it wobble so much. It was enough to put the whole plank out of balance.’

  ‘Great,’ I said. ‘Can we go now?’

  ‘Sure.’

  We left the abbey and headed off. Zak was still tossing the stone around. ‘I guess nobody noticed,’ he murmured to himself.

  Finn and I were busy thinking about what we might be having for lunch. And Batpants was thinking about who knows what? Jam on toast? Jungle stuff?

  ‘I guess nobody noticed,’ Zak repeated to himself. ‘Unless someone put it there deliberately,’ he added quietly.

  8 Rhubarb Jelly Fish

  La La Belly-buttons

  ‘DELIBERATELY?’ I cried. It was impossible to imagine. Why would anyone do something like that? ‘Zak, you’re crazy. Nobody would do something so dangerous on purpose.’

  ‘I never said they did,’ he shrugged. ‘Only that they could have. Either it was an accident or it was deliberate. I don’t know which it was, but, you know, those special-effect guys spend ages setting up stunts. I’ve watched them. They check everything.’

  ‘OK, so they missed a small stone,’ I said. ‘It’d be pretty easy to do that.’

  ‘An animal might have put it there,’ Finn suggested.

  I groaned. ‘Yeah? Like a badger or a… a crocodile comes along; yeah, a really big crocodile comes along the sewer and thinks, I’ll just push this stone under this log, and when that woman runs across and falls off I’ll gobble her up. Yum yum yum.’

  Finn eyed me stonily. ‘You’re stupid.’

  ‘Well said, Finn,’ nodded Zak and turned to me. ‘He meant an animal might have kicked it under there without knowing. It’s a good suggestion, even if it’s unlikely.’

  I was beginning to think they were ganging up on me and went into a bit of a sulk. The only thing that cheered me up was knowing that Mum was OK. That was a relief.

  On the way home we passed Dad. Mum was there too, watching. Dad was in the big animal pen sharing his lunch with a gorilla. That’s the kind of thing he does. Amazing. Dad was sitting there, right opposite this big silverback. Without looking up, he passed a stick of celery across to the ape.

  ‘Why is Dad looking at the ground all the time?’ asked Finn.

  Mum whispered back. ‘You don’t look into the gorilla’s eyes because they will take that as a challenge, a threat. You look away to show that the gorilla is the boss.’

  ‘So what’s Dad doing?’ Finn asked.

  ‘He’s showing the gorilla that they’re friends. He’s called Tuesday because he was born on that day. Tuesday’s worked with your dad before. Look, Aslan is grooming him now.’

  Dad was slowly going through the fur on Tuesday’s back, searching for insects and parasites to be removed. Rather him than me! That gorilla could have torn Dad in half if he wanted. Good thing he didn’t want to!

  ‘Is Dad training Tuesday for something?’ I asked.

  Mum nodded. ‘He’s preparing him for a scene we’re filming tomorrow where Colorado Kate fights a gorilla.’

  Zak groaned. ‘Mum, you’re not going to have to fight a gorilla?’

  ‘I certainly am,’ she smiled.

  ‘Why can’t Frangelika do it?’ demanded Finn. ‘Everyone makes a fuss of her, but all she ever does is run about and squeak.’

  ‘Week-week-week!’ I went in a really high voice. ‘I’m Frangelika and I mustn’t ever get messy.’ I cleaned my nose with a paw-hand, like a mouse.

  ‘She is a bit like that,’ laughed Mum. ‘But she’s a good actress too. Anyhow, don’t worry about Tuesday. There’ll be two gorillas. The se
cond one is somebody in a gorilla suit. The crew will film Tuesday first, lumbering towards me, beating his chest and grunting. Then they’ll switch to the actor-gorilla and that’s who I fight with. It’ll be perfectly safe.’

  We all breathed a sigh of relief.

  ‘Why can’t they do all the filming with the gorilla suit?’ I asked.

  ‘Good idea,’ Mum agreed. ‘But it looks more realistic to start with the real gorilla and then change. When we’re fighting, everything happens so fast nobody will notice that it’s an actor in a suit.’

  Tuesday suddenly straightened up and looked directly at us. He didn’t look happy either.

  ‘Why is he doing that?’ Finn was worried.

  ‘He’s spotted Batpants,’ said Mum. ‘And Batpants has seen Tuesday.’

  Batpants grasped the wire fencing and shook it. She bared all her teeth and grunted as loudly as she could. ‘Nugg-nugg-nugg-nugg!!’

  ‘She’s angry,’ I laughed. ‘And look, Tuesday’s got to his feet. Why is Dad waving?’

  ‘We’d better take Batpants away,’ said Mum. ‘She’s upsetting the gorilla and your father can’t get on with his work. Come on. Let’s get back to the caravan.’

  By the time we’d walked back Mum was looking shattered. ‘I think all that excitement back at the crypt has finally caught up with me. I just need to rest for a bit. I’ve done nothing about lunch and your father won’t be back for a while. Why don’t you take yourselves to the mobile canteen? Get something to eat there and ask the guys behind the counter to put it on my account.’

  ‘Fantasti-bubbly-crumbo!’ cried Finn. He’s always saying that. It drives me potty.

  I eyed him stonily. ‘Why do you say that? It’s rubbish.’

  ‘No it isn’t,’ protested Finn. ‘It’s fantasti–’

  ‘Taisez-vous!’ I yelled, jamming my fingers into my ears.