Mandodari

by Manini J Anandani

  The next morning, I had to fake my menstruation. I asked Trijata to dampen some red dye on my bed sheets to make it look like blood. This was further reported to the physicians by my dasis and everyone consented that I had got my period.

  Dashaanan was most happy to receive me back at court. ‘I welcome you back, Mandodari. I can’t express how happy I am to see you back in good health.’

  ‘Lankeshwar has missed your company, Rani Mandodari. We welcome you back,’ said Nanashri.

  ‘Tell me, how should we celebrate your health? Should I order a feast in your honour?’ asked Dashaanan.

  ‘It feels good to be back, my lord. And as far as the celebration is concerned, I would like to celebrate in a different way, if you allow it.’ I took the opportunity to mention the tour.

  ‘Of course, whatever you suggest.’

  ‘My lord, in the past few weeks I have sensed the need to purify myself with penance and prayers. I want to pray for your safety, success and prosperity. I want to pray for our future. Hence, I wish to go on a pilgrimage,’ I proposed.

  ‘A pilgrimage? Why, Mandodari, you can perform penance here. You will have whatever you wish here.’

  ‘No, my lord, I wish to go on a pilgrimage to all the holy tirthas of Bharatvarsh. I want to purify myself at these places. I want to collect the holy waters and bring them for you.’

  ‘But that will take months! I cannot send you off for so many months! And with whom will you travel?’

  ‘I want to go north near the Himalayas, bathe and cleanse in the waters of the holy Ganga. I want to go to Badarikasrama. I will stop over at my father’s house too. It has been a long time since I saw them. I feel like going to Mayarastra for a few weeks. If you allow me, my lord, I shall visit the holy tirthas and meet my parents too.’

  Dashaanan was still not convinced. ‘My lord, I insist. It is only a matter of a few months, for I shall return with a content mind and soul.’

  Dashaanan stayed quiet for some time. Concerned about my health and happiness, he took it as a humble plea.

  ‘All right, as you wish. You have my permission for your pilgrimage. But you should report your timely whereabouts to us.’

  He turned to Vibhishana, ‘Vibhishana, you will ensure Rani Mandodari has everything she needs for her travel. Also, send a group of trusted escorts and guards along with her. She can choose the dasis she wants to take with her.’

  Vibhishana gave an affirmative nod and I was relieved that the most difficult task of asking for Dashaanan’s permission was over.

  TEN

  I made arrangements for the tour. I selected two of my most trusted dasis to travel with me, along with Mai. I asked Trijata to report on all important matters to me through messengers. I had also assigned Sarama for all antapura-related affairs. I had to keep my pregnancy safe and nurture the child in my womb. I felt strong from within, believing that it was no ordinary child inside me. And I was somehow certain that it was a girl. Dashaanan had once expressed how he longed for a daughter. I felt sorry that I had to keep it a secret.

  Soon, I commenced on my journey. Considering the number of months I would have to travel for, our luggage was elaborate. Not only did we carry plenty of clothes, food and tents, but also four-equipped chariots with horses and a palanquin for the road journey. Along with eight martial guards, two messengers, four maidservants, two trusted dasis and Mai, I set the course through waters on a huge ship.

  We sailed to the southernmost shore of Bharatvarsh after three days. Travelling by sea made me sick. We took a day’s rest near the shore and then started our road journey towards the north to reach Mayarastra first. I longed to meet my parents and spend time at my father’s house, which would allow me more time to think about my pregnancy. I wanted my mother’s counsel. No matter how supreme my position was, I still felt the need to find comfort in my mother’s presence.

  We halted multiple times during our road journey. We visited some of the most renowned temples of Bharatvarsh. I prayed for my family and unborn child. I bathed in the holy waters, donated alms to the needy and read the Vedas to strengthen my child. After almost a month’s travel, we reached Mayarastra. My parents rushed to welcome our troop. The people of Mayarastra gave us a warm welcome. I exchanged quick pleasantries with everyone and went straight to my mother’s private chambers to talk to her.

  ‘How are you, Putri? We heard about your health and it scared us. Is everything well now?’ asked my concerned mother.

  ‘Yes, Mother. However, there is something you need to know. And promise me that you will not react and patiently listen to everything I have to say.’

  ‘What is it, Putri?’

  I told mother everything about my discreet pregnancy and my decision to deliver the baby away from Lanka. As expected, mother was anxious. She feared for my father’s reaction but I believed she would support my decision.

  ‘Putri Mandodari, do you realize you are putting your and your unborn child’s lives at great risk? Also, can you imagine how Dashaanan will react when he learns about your pregnancy and the fact that you lied to him about all this?’

  ‘I know there is great risk involved, Mata. But this is what I choose to do. I don’t want to terminate this pregnancy. And had I stayed there, I wouldn’t have had the privilege to take my own decision. Hence, I sent a message across to Pitashri, asking him to cancel his visit to Lanka so I could come here instead.’

  ‘And you think your father will allow you to keep such secrets from Dashaanan? For all we know Dashaanan will be enraged and might take strict action against you and perhaps against us and our kingdom as well. Why are you doing this, Putri? There is still time. I think you should inform Dashaanan immediately.’ Mother declared and began to leave the room as if wanting to avoid further conversation.

  ‘Mata, aren’t you going to help me? I have come all the way here hoping that my parents will support my decision.’ I appealed, expecting an affirmative response. However, mother was very clear and firm.

  ‘You are the queen of Lanka; you have certain responsibilities towards your husband, your people and your family. We are your parents, but we expect you to fulfil your duties towards your title. We have taught you well. You have seen me fulfil my responsibilities as a queen. And what you ask today is against our principles. Moreover, it will invite terror to our kingdom.’

  ‘Please let me explain myself to Pitashri once . . . he will listen to me.’

  ‘He will undoubtedly listen to you, Putri. But let me assure you that his response will be no different than mine. He will send you back with his guards or inform Dashaanan immediately. In no way will he let you keep this matter discreet!’

  I felt disowned. My only hope for bringing my child safely into this world was being crushed. I cried with helplessness. Mother rushed to comfort me. ‘Putri, I am sorry that we can’t help you. Mayarastra is a small kingdom. Everyone knows how powerful and equipped Dashaanan is. If he comes to know about all this, he will destroy us. He might even kill your father.’

  ‘No, Mata, I don’t want to be the reason for any destruction. But what will I do, where will I go? I can’t go back with this complicated pregnancy. I can’t tell father and I can’t stay here. I have no options.’

  ‘You have come home to your parents. Eat well, take rest and sleep. I suggest that you don’t tell your father or anyone else about this pregnancy. And if you have decided to bring this child into this world, I will guide you further.’

  ‘Tell me, Mata, what should I do?’

  ‘Not now, let me think about it. You will not start to show for two full moons at least. Till then I suggest you take proper nutrition, medication and precautions that my personal physician can recommend. You have Mai and your dasis to help you. My physician will train your dasis too and Mai is already an expert. Be ready to leave with your troops after two full moon cycles, and I shall tell you where you can deliver your child. I will ensure that everyone thinks you are continuing on your tirtha yatra.’

/>   Two months passed and I instructed my dasis to organize my travel. The guards and the dasis were waiting to know the details of our next destination and I waited for my mother’s guidance. I was about to show and had to leave before anyone grew suspicions about my physical appearance. I felt my child growing strong inside me.

  ‘Mata, I plan to leave now. I haven’t instructed the guards about my next destination yet. Tell me, Mata, where should I go?’

  ‘Putri, keep your plans with regards to the pilgrimage. Go north to the tirthas of Badarikasrama. And then you shall return to the plains and deliver your child at an ashram. Mai knows the place, I have told her. We know a sage who keeps the ashram well maintained and will keep it equipped with all that you need for your comfort. Also, take only four of your guards. Instruct the other four to proceed towards the south and meet you on your way back to Lanka. That way you will have fewer eyes on you. Go now, Putri, be blessed and be safe.’ Mata kissed my forehead and I took leave from her. I met Pitashri before leaving.

  Pitashri sensed my troubles. He knew I had a distressed marriage, but couldn’t interfere due to Dashaanan’s status and power. He also knew I had huge responsibilities as a queen. But he never asked anything directly. I went into his chambers; for a change he was not at court that morning. He kept staring outside his balcony when I stepped inside to avoid eye contact. There were tears in his eyes. Without saying much, I embraced him and he gave me his blessings. This was the longest I had stayed with my parents after getting married. I said goodbye to my brothers and their wives, my nieces and nephews. And then I stepped into a chariot to proceed towards the north of Bharatvarsh.

  We reached Badarikasrama after twenty-five days. Badarikasrama was considered the most sacred holy shrine, the abode of Narayana. It was believed that two saints named Nara and Narayana performed tough penance in these mountains. Our chariots couldn’t climb the mountainous landscape so they were left behind in the valleys. I was shifted to a palanquin while others went on foot. I made fewer halts this time to ensure a timely return from the mountains to the plains. My belly had started to show. It was the sixth month of carrying my child in my womb and after this it would get difficult for me to travel to higher altitudes. I bathed in the holy waters of Alaknanda. I felt my soul and my mind cleansed. I felt my child protected by the positive energies I had gained.

  I wished to travel more. The Himalayas housed more holy shrines, also considered to be the abode of Shiva. But Mai indicated that we had little time. The mountains were rough, cold and windy. Even though I sat free from harm inside a palanquin, it was not safe for me to travel further into the mountains. Hence, we started to descend. We proceeded towards the plains of Bharatvarsh. Descending from the mountains took less time. Mai took us to the secluded ashram hidden inside a forest in the plains. We settled there with the help of the sage my mother knew and had informed about my arrival. My clothes were arranged, my kitchen was set up and the guards were stationed outside to keep watch.

  The seventh month was the most difficult time I had throughout my pregnancy. Mai felt that it was the result of too much travel and thinking. I suffered pains and restlessness.

  ‘Mandodari, the way your child is making you restless, I feel you will deliver before time,’ said Mai.

  ‘Isn’t that dangerous, Mai? Isn’t it very soon? Do you think my child is healthy enough?’ I was worried at the early indication.

  ‘Listen, my princess, stop worrying so much. Yes, it is rare to deliver a child in the seventh month but not an impossibility. Your child is completely formed inside you by now.’

  ‘How can you be so sure, Mai? What if this is a result of that poison I consumed? What if my body has started to give up?’

  ‘Shhh . . . don’t panic, my princess. Again, you are overthinking. I know you can’t stop thinking but this could harm your child.’

  ‘Mai, what do you feel? Will I have a daughter or a son?’

  ‘Well, looking at you appearance, I think it’s a girl.’ I smiled at that reply because I had sensed it from the beginning.

  ‘Mai, am I doing anything wrong? You know Dashaanan once told me that he wants a daughter to pamper and play with.’

  ‘Putri, you are bringing your child into this world. There is nothing wrong in that. And you have decided well; once you deliver a healthy child, we shall inform Lankeshwar. He will be overjoyed and he will forget that you kept the news of your pregnancy from him.’

  ‘But Mai, what if my child is not healthy?’ This was the question that all of us had been avoiding so far. All of us who knew about my pregnancy were frightened to think about it. We kept it a secret for so long, made numerous excuses, made various arrangements because we all knew it was a great risk to bring this child healthy into this world.

  ‘Well, we all know that you will have healthy children in the future. And as far as this child is concerned, let us leave it in the hands of god.’

  The weather was hot and humid due to the drought-like condition in the area. I couldn’t sleep peacefully. It was past midnight and my labour pains had begun. Mai was right. My child wanted to be born earlier than we expected. I felt a sudden thump inside my stomach and then a greasy liquid flowed down my legs. My water had broken! I stood up gathering all my might and roused a dasi. She in turn alerted Mai and the other dasis who were fast asleep. They forced me to lie down for some time, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t rest my back on the ground. We quietly stepped outside the ashram, walking past the guards who were fast asleep. I hurried towards the fields facing the ashram for some air. I wanted to scream. But I kept walking and the women followed me. I was conscious of making any noise. I was afraid that my shouts would alert the guards about my labour and they would want to know about my child’s health.

  I walked across the narrow fields with my remaining strength and at some distance saw a city. It was the city of Mithila. I couldn’t manage to take another step. Mai held my hand and I heard them talk. My body could no longer hold the child, I stood with my legs apart, my knees bearing the weight of my body.

  ‘Your majesty, push . . . take a deep breath and push!’, ‘Putri Mandodari, you are doing well just push harder.’

  And momentarily, right at dawn, I gave birth to a beautiful girl. I lay down to rest; the dasis cut the umbilical cord, cleaned the child and wrapped her in soft linen. Mai brought her to me and I held her in my arms. She was delicate; her face was golden like the rising sun. I touched her skin, felt her soft body. I touched her tiny fingers with mine; a black birthmark on her right hand above the elbow caught my attention. I smiled because I had something similar on my right hand too. My daughter, certainly she would be my replica.

  ‘Putri Mandodari, she isn’t crying. I can barely feel her heartbeats. Can you feel it?’

  Suddenly I was taken aback. I panicked and held her closer to my chest, rubbed her feet and back. But I couldn’t feel her heartbeat. The dasis tried too, but in vain. I kept her close to my chest hoping that she would live, but in vain. I cried, prayed to the gods to give her life. Nothing worked.

  ‘Putri Mandodari, it is sunrise. Give me the child now. It is god’s will.’

  ‘Mai, what are you saying? She will live, I am not giving up on her!’

  ‘I know how you feel. But we knew this from the beginning. Very soon, the people of the city will discover us. We have to leave.’

  ‘I will not leave my child!’

  ‘She is not with us, Putri. Give me the child; I will render her in Bhoomi Mata’s womb. She will be amongst the gods.’

  Mai took her away from me. She placed her in a wide earthen pot and covered it will linen. Then she dug some soil and buried the pot. I cried like I had never cried in my life. I prayed for my child’s soul and left the spot.

  We returned to the ashram and prepared to leave. I had turned to stone after the incident. I could only see my newborn’s face in front of my eyes. I could still feel her delicate body in my arms. I wanted to rush back to the place where we h
ad left her, to see if any miracle had brought her back to life. But Mai convinced me to gather myself. The next day, we began our journey back to Lanka.

  ELEVEN

  The days and nights meant nothing to me. I was still mourning for my child. It was a loss I could never be overcome. At first I had thought I could handle everything and had, therefore, planned to stay away from Lanka. I was aware of the circumstances; still, the grief was inconsolable.

  It took us a month and more to reach the southern tip of Bharatvarsh. The guards whom we had asked to travel south were waiting for us there. But we had to deal with the ones who knew our secret. Although had instructed them to be discreet, we knew we would not have any control over them when they met the others. Hence, one of my dasis came up with a plan. She prepared a delicious meal for the guards and added poison to it. They were served their last meal and they slept, never to wake up again. Their bodies were buried in the same place.

  We prayed for the murdered souls and proceeded in the direction where the other guards were waiting. We knew there was no other way to keep our secret safe. We had decided to announce that they had died as a result of consuming contaminated food and due to the unavailability of medication. With a stone-cold heart, I instructed my dasi to provide alms to the deceased guards’ families.

  At a distance we spotted a vimana, waiting for us with the remaining guards. Dashaanan had been informed about my return and he had sent a vimana to fly us back sooner. I took a final day’s halt before boarding the vimana. Tents were erected and I decided to let go of my sad feelings. I took a long bath, sat in meditation and gathered myself before seeing Dashaanan again. Any change in my behaviour or appearance would make him suspicious. Hence, I ate a healthy meal and slept well before leaving the next day.