Begin Again

by Mulliner, Brittney

  I laughed through the first few rounds as Talia dared Alexis eat a spoonful of ketchup, her least favorite thing on earth. Alexis got her revenge later and dared Talia to complete the gallon of milk challenge. She made it about half way through before she threw up. I was not interested in eating or drinking anything so when it was my turn I immediately chose truth.

  Mckayla looked at me like she was trying to see into my mind before asking me the question. “Who do you like most Mike, Gage or Luke?”

  Talia and Alexis ooh and awed as if she just asked me to explain the meaning of life.

  “I like them all, as friends.”

  “That doesn’t even remotely begin to answer that question. Try again.”

  I pretended to be thinking about it more deeply this time. “Well they’re all very attractive, in different ways. Mike is more outgoing and talkative, and he was the first person to try to get to know me from school which is nice. Gage is thoughtful and really listens to me. I feel like there’s never any pressure around him, like I can just be myself. Luke is amazing and so cute.”

  I get butterflies just thinking about him, but he always seems so far away like I’m constantly trying to reach him.

  “That was deep.” I laughed at Talia and their stunned expressions.

  “I told you guys, I like them all.”

  “I don’t know why but I’m really rooting for Mike.” I shot Alexis a confused look. I wasn’t expecting her to say that at all.

  “I have a few classes with him so we talk a lot. He really cares about you. I know he comes across as controlling to you, but he is trying to look out for you. He has a past with Gage and Luke and doesn’t want to see you get hurt by either of them. I told him he should just make his move but he’s being a pansy.”

  “So he really does like me?”

  “He hasn’t come out and said it, but he’s not normally this invested. He’ll voice his opinion, but he doesn’t normally care what people do after that.”

  “I didn’t know. I mean that explains how he’s been acting lately. I feel bad now that I lashed out at him. I should just be grateful he even cares enough to get worked up over it.”

  The girls nodded and moved on with the game, but I zoned out for most of it. I kept thinking of how rude I have been to Mike and how he’s been nothing but a good friend to me. I really wanted to leave then to go talk to him, but I knew that would make me seem crazy.

  Chapter 22

  The girls’ comments last night got to me. I fell asleep long after the others had and I woke just as the light began coming through the window. I got up and grabbed a hoodie from a pile in the corner and headed out to the sand.

  I took a seat a few yards away from the water and watched the ocean turn and push waves toward me. It was the most peace I had found in days. I ran through the previous two weeks in my mind. Mike had accepted me so freely and had looked out for me since school started. Maybe I was too harsh on him. It was hard to believe his feelings could be more than friendly considering he treats all of the other girls the same as me . . . but if he did it would explain his mood swings. No wonder he didn’t want to talk about Luke or help me with him.

  I sighed and stood up walking back to the house. I needed to apologize to him. Mike may not be the one I’m interested in but he deserves better from a friend.

  I shook Talia awake and got directions to Mike’s house. They didn’t seem to be very reliable since she was still half asleep when she told me but I took my chances. I grabbed my keys and drove to the house she described. It was still early when I got there. I sat in my seat drumming the steering wheel debating my next move. I figured I would see if there were any lights on and knock if necessary.

  As I walked by the side gate to the backyard I heard a guy calling commands. I peeked over and saw Mike’s shirtless back. He was holding a thick knotted rope. Before I could consider what it could be for there was a black lab charging to the gate, at me. I shrieked and jumped back as the dog slammed against the fence.

  Laughing at myself I moved back to the fence and knocked. Since when am I afraid of dogs? Mike opened the gate and looked surprised. He reached down and held the dog back with a few fingers looped through the collar.

  “Aubrey? What are you doing here?”

  I guess showing up at six-thirty in the morning wearing boxers and a hoodie might appear odd. “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by and say hi.”

  Yikes, he didn’t even smile at my joke. This was going to be more challenging than I thought. “I came here to tell you I’m sorry.”

  His face softened, slightly. “Do you want to come back?” I followed him back as his dog raced around us jumping on me a few times. “Oden! Get down!” He pulled the dog back by the collar away from me.

  “It’s alright. I love dogs.” I bent down to his level and rubbed behind his ears, cooing at him. I glanced up and saw Mike smile. Evidently the way to his heart was through his dog.

  He wandered over to a patio set and I took this as my cue to follow him and sat in a chair next to him. Oden settled in next to me and put his head in my lap having obviously enjoyed my head scratch.

  Mike was staring ahead not willing to help me in this conversation. I couldn’t think of a way to lead into things so I just blurted out the first thing that came in my mind. “I’m sorry I used you for information about Luke. I didn’t know you two had a past and I definitely didn’t mean to hurt you by being friends with Gage.” I paused waiting for him to say something . . . silence.

  “I owe you a lot for befriending me from the first day. You have been nothing but loyal and honest with me and I took that for granted. You deserve a better friend than me.”

  He finally turned and looked at me with something in his eyes, was it anger? “You still don’t get it do you?” Apparently not since that was not the reaction I was expecting. Before I could respond he started again. “Yes, in the beginning I wanted to be your friend, at least. I made the effort to get to know you, I took you out on a real date, and I made sure my friends welcomed you too. What did that get me in return?” Another pause, but I figured this was a rhetorical question. “I became your go-to for dirt on other guys and the bad guy when I tried to protect you.”

  He was growing more and more tense by the second and I could feel my face reddening. I wasn’t prepared for this onslaught, but I guess I did deserve it. “Mike, I . . .”

  “No. I’m not done, Aubrey. You took advantage of me and my friendship. I got in a fight at school over you! I could have been suspended and what did you do? You ran off with Gage! After I warned you about him and told you how he ruins people’s lives.”

  “I know I was wrong . . .”

  “That’s the understatement of the year! Do you have any idea how it felt to watch you walk away with him after that? I was defending you, protecting you!”

  That was it, I was sick of sitting there and letting him attack me. “I understand that you thought you were helping me, but you don’t get to control every decision I make. I met Gage outside of school and got to know him. He told me about what happened with Julia and I know you two dated before them, but your grudge has nothing to do with me.”

  Saying Julia’s name seemed to strike a nerve with him. “You don’t know anything about what happened with her. You can’t believe a thing he told you!”

  “I get that you’re still angry with him because of what happened, but he couldn’t control what the drunk driver did.”

  “He could have brought her home early, or he could have been paying better attention. She shouldn’t have died. She was the best person I have ever known. She was kind and nice to everyone and everyone loved her. He should have been the one to die.”

  “You can’t mean that, Mike.” My heart was breaking for him, but it was clear his pain was controlling his actions when it came to Gage.

  “You don’t know me, Aubrey. I wish Gage died. He doesn’t deserve to live instead of Julia.” I could see tears formi
ng in his eyes. I realized then that he still loved her and that love had turned to hate for Gage.

  I stood up and leaned down to hug him. He looked up shock registering on his face before he opened his arms and pulled me down into him. I nuzzled into him and whispered, “I’m sorry, Mike. I really am, but you have to let go. Being angry at Gage won’t bring her back.”

  His shoulders shook and one hand wrapped around my shoulders while the other got tangled in my hair.

  ☀☀☀

  I was emotionally drained and it was only ten in the morning. After talking to Mike, I went back to grab my things from Mckayla’s house. The girls were interested in what made me take off so early. I played it off like it was no big deal, and they finally let me leave. As I walked into my room my phone started buzzing.

  It was Gage. What were the odds he would call right after I fixed things with Mike?

  “Hi Gage.”

  “Good morning, I was just wondering if you had any plans this fine day.”

  “You sound abnormally chipper today. What’s up?”

  He laughed before answering. “Can’t a guy be happy without it being suspicious?”

  “Normal guys? Yes. You? Not so much.”

  “I’m offended Aubrey! I’m not normal?”

  “Normal people don’t cut themselves off from the world and then turn into social pariahs by choice.”

  “True. So do you have plans?”

  “I don’t actually. What do you have planned?”

  He paused for a moment. Had he expected me to turn him down?

  “Let’s meet at the pier at one.”

  “Perfect I’ll see you then!”

  I hung up and stared down at my phone. What was going on with him? That was the most emotion I’ve ever seen, well heard, from him. Normally he was so placid.

  ☀☀☀

  The pier was mostly deserted since the marine layer still hadn’t dissipated. The sky was grey making the ocean look angrier and more ominous than normal. I arrived a little early so I walked to the end and leaned against the railing. The waves were crashing against the pillars below me. I was so entranced in the patterns of the ocean I didn’t heard the footsteps coming from behind me until it was too late.

  I turned as I sensed someone behind me and gasped when my elbow was clutched.

  Flashbacks of the night of the Christmas party flooded my mind. Before I could process what was happening I was on the ground. I clenched my eyes failing to rid the images from my brain. I desperately tried to slow my breathing like I had with Carter, but I was only able to take shallow gulps. When I opened my eyes Gage was standing over me with panic streaking his face.

  I saw his mouth moving but I heard nothing. He reached for his phone as I strained to lift my hand to stop him. He noticed my movement and gripped my hand in his.

  “Aubrey. Can you hear me?”

  I tried to nod but my body was paralyzed. I managed to focus my gaze into his eyes, hoping he would understand my message.

  “Aubrey, please.” He stroked my face with his other hand speaking so softly. “You’re safe. I’m right here.” He paused for another moment. “Breathe Aubrey, please just breathe.”

  I focused on his words trying to calm my body. Minutes, or maybe seconds, later I finally managed to breathe again ridding myself of the fish out of water feeling that had consumed me.

  I was lifted as Gage brought me to his chest. I could feel him shaking and realized he was crying. His grip was too tight to allow me to look up and him. It was my turn to comfort him.

  “Gage.” It sounded more like a wheeze, but I was able to get it out. His grip loosened and he looked down at me. Tears were rolling down his beautiful face. I’ve never seen a boy cry, especially over me.

  “Gage. I’m sorry.”

  He clung to me again stroking my hair.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for! I’m so sorry. Aubrey I don’t know what happened. I just touched you and you collapsed.”

  He shook his head as tears continued to fall.

  “I didn’t know what to do. What happened? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

  I tried to smile to show him I was fine but it came out more like a wince. “No, I had another panic attack. Apparently I get those now.”

  “A panic attack? From what? Do you have a fear of the ocean? I’m so sorry I should have never asked you to meet me here.”

  “Gage, please stop. It’s nothing like that. When I felt you grab my arm it reminded me of something. I got scared I guess.”

  “Why did that scare you?”

  “It’s a long story. I don’t want to ruin your day.”

  “I think you collapsing kind of already did that. You can tell me, Aubrey. I’m your friend. I want to know.”

  “Fine, but first let’s get up. Who knows what this wood has seen over the years.” I took his outstretched hand and he lifted me up and walked us over to a bench, never letting go of my hand. I owed him an explanation after he helped me through another attack.

  As I told him what happened in the life I left behind I watched his face change from worry to anger to sorrow to rage. By the time I was done he had released my hand and was pacing in front of me cursing under his breath.

  “Aubrey, I am so sorry. Please know that if I had any idea I would have never touched you. I can’t believe you went through that and no one believed you. If I was your boyfriend and you told me about creepy notes and pictures I would have lost my mind. How could Derek stand by and do nothing to protect you?” He cursed again.

  “I don’t know, Gage. That’s why I never thought it was a big deal. Everyone told me it was nothing or didn’t even believe me.”

  “I can’t believe this. He’s locked up now, right?”

  “As far as I know he is.” I thought back to the man I saw in the store. Was that my imagination or not? I considered telling him, but I didn’t want to freak him out more.

  “What are you thinking about? You just zoned out on me.”

  I paused, debating.

  “Stop thinking. Aubrey, just tell me. Please.”

  “The other day, the first time I had a panic attack, I thought I saw him in a store by my condo.”

  His face drained of color and his eyes shot to me. “So he could be here?”

  “My mom told me he’s locked up. I probably just imagined it.”

  “I don’t like this. Does your brother know?”

  “No, I haven’t told him yet.”

  “You have to tell him. Even if it was a mistake I would rather you are overly cautious than have something happen to you.”

  “I’ll tell him. I promise.”

  Gage strode toward me and gathered me in his arms. “Aubrey, I care about you, probably too much. I couldn’t bear to have something happen to you. I will protect you as much as I possibly can, but your brother needs to know too.”

  I clung to him as I took in the meaning of his words. He believed me, and he cared about me. Gage, who has only known me for a few days really, cares more about me than my boyfriend of over a year. More than my mom seemed to.

  Chapter 23

  Despite the progress I made with my friends over the weekend I was still dreading school. I was walking through the halls on my way to math with Mike when I noticed posters all over the walls. At first I thought they were for school clubs or events coming up until I began recognizing faces. Each was for a different Winter Formal nominated couple. One was of me and Luke. Another of Sydney and Ryan. Finally I saw one of Mike and Shelby. Well at least we were all represented.

  “Who made these?” I gestured to the posters since Mike didn’t seem to notice them.

  “The formal committee makes them for each couple. They do it every year.” He seemed bored by this conversation but I was still confused.

  “How do they know everyone’s dates? And where did they get the pictures?” I had never seen the photo of me and Luke, but I figured Mckayla took it the day he taught me to surf. It was actually a
cute picture of us standing close to each other laughing on the beach in our swimming suits. It could be an ad in a magazine.

  “They probably did a little digging and asked your friends for the picture.”

  Great now the whole school knows we’re together. We’d only been on a few dates. I don’t think we’re ready for a public relationship.

  Throughout my morning classes and while walking through the halls people promised me they would be voting for us. People I have never seen before approached me and complimented me on what a cute couple we were. In passing I heard groups discussing what couple would win and I was shocked at how often my name was mentioned.

  By the time lunch started I was anxious to see Luke and gauge his reaction to what was going on. He was seated at my normal table with Talia and Mckayla rather than his usual spot on the other side of the quad. This was the first time he had ever made an effort to be seen with me at school, so either he was accepting our newfound status as a public couple or he was here to refute the whole thing.

  Slowly I made my way through the tables as people called congratulations and promises to vote for me. By the time I made it to the table I had run through several different scenarios of how the next few minutes could play out.

  “Hey guys. Today has been crazy! I had no idea Winter Formal was such a big deal.” I slide on the bench next to Luke and he gave me his signature boyish grin. Maybe he wasn’t going to publically disown me.

  “We’re a pretty big deal now. I hear we’re ranking pretty high in the polls already.” He winked and I looked around the table at the girls, confused.

  “He’s serious. The formal committee has started a poll and you guys are neck and neck with Mike and Shelby. It’s quite the upset since you’re the new girl and Luke has never attended a non-mandatory school function.” I looked at Mckayla with a raised brow and she continued. “Luke here is too focused on surfing to ever do anything else. It’s pretty crazy you got him to agree to this.” She looked at Luke and smiled, but Luke seemed distracted by his lunch and refused to meet any of our gazes.