Zombie Bums from Uranus

by Andy Griffiths

  At that moment the enormous bum guffawed, assailing the bum-fighters with the nauseating odour of its breath.

  Zack gagged.

  There was no mistaking that stale nostril-scorching stench.

  It was the Great White Bum all right.

  ‘Don’t feel so bad, Zack,’ said the enormous bum. ‘You just forgot who you were dealing with. I AM the Great White Bum after all . . . indestructible AND immortal.’

  ‘Oh, Master!’ said a voice from behind Zack. ‘Oh Great and Glorious White Bum from the sky, you are very welcome!’

  ‘Yes,’ echoed Maurice. ‘Very, very welcome!’

  Zack turned to see the Prince and Maurice bowing and scraping the ground in front of them as they approached.

  ‘Where are the zombie bums?’ bellowed the Great White Bum.

  ‘They have all been eaten by the mutant maggots,’ said the Prince, pointing to the writhing masses around the park’s edge. ‘The planet is safe and ready for you to take over, thanks to us, your humble and faithful servants.’

  The Great White Bum glowed white with rage.

  ‘FOOLS!’ it said, picking them both up by their legs, clonking them hard together and then hurling their limp bodies across the park towards the mutant zombie maggots. There was a brief frenzy amongst the mutant zombie maggots and the Prince and Maurice disappeared.

  Zack shuddered. Although he had no great affection for either of them, he didn’t think they deserved a fate like that. The Prince and Maurice were just a couple of harmless buffoons. On the other hand, the Great White Bum was an evil mastermind intent on total bumination of the univarse. He really did deserve it.

  ‘Well, Zack,’ said the Great White Bum turning its attention back to him. ‘It is a small univarse, isn’t it! You know, I was just talking to your parents about you . . .’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Zack.

  ‘No, it’s true,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I met them on Uranus.’

  ‘Language!’ said Gran.

  ‘I meant the planet!’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘It’s not possible,’ said Zack.

  ‘Of course I meant the planet,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘What else could I have meant?’

  ‘I’m not talking about that,’ said Zack. ‘I mean it’s not possible that you could have met my parents on Uranus.’

  ‘Language!’ said Gran.

  ‘I meant the planet,’ said Zack.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘After you blew me out of the bumcano I was in a bad way. I flew through space, bleeding, on fire, missing the skin from one cheek and landed on Uranus.’

  ‘Language!’ said Gran.

  ‘I meant the planet,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Well, what’s left of it. You see, there was a lot of methane and I was on fire and there was a rather large—and smelly—explosion.’

  ‘So that’s how the zombie bums reanimated and became zombies!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Yes,’ continued the Great White Bum. ‘Unfortunately I ended up stuck down a very deep hole. But your parents, Zack, were kind enough to wake me up. And then your mother went and spoiled her good deed by throwing a perfume bomb at me. They were such a nice couple. It was almost a shame I had to kill them.’

  ‘You what?’ said Zack, shocked.

  ‘You heard,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘It was nothing personal, you understand. Purely business. YOU—on the other hand—you I will kill for pleasure.’

  ‘Not if I can help it,’ said Gran.

  ‘Silence, you ridiculous old hag!’ shouted the Great White Bum, turning its attention to her. ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?’

  ‘Unfortunately, yes,’ said Gran. ‘Siberia, remember? We tarred and feathered you and ran you out of town.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I remember. I still bear the scars. It wasn’t very friendly of you.’

  ‘I’m not a very friendly old woman,’ Gran said. ‘Now prepare to die!’

  ‘Why?’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Who’s going to kill me?’

  ‘Me!’ said Gran.

  ‘Oh really?’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You and whose army?’

  Gran stepped forward. ‘My army,’ she said. ‘Mabel’s Angels!’

  The Forker and the Flicker stepped up next to her and all three of them snapped into action like a lethal, well-oiled bum-fighting machine.

  Unfortunately, however, Mabel’s Angels were unable to land a single fork, pinch or towel-flick before the Great White Bum blasted three deadly accurate bursts of gas at them. The bum-fighters fell to the ground in an unconscious heap.

  Eleanor shook her head.

  ‘Well,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I’m certainly glad they’re here—otherwise we’d be in real trouble.’

  Zack looked at Gran—and her Angels—helpless on the ground beside the Great White Bum’s crater. He couldn’t tell if they were dead or just gassed, but they weren’t moving and their tongues were hanging out of their mouths. It didn’t look good.

  Zack looked at the Great White Bum.

  He felt himself trembling with anger.

  He couldn’t hold back any longer.

  It was time to act.

  Time to finish the job he’d started back in the bumcano.

  But he’d have to be careful.

  The Great White Bum was strong.

  Zack knew that.

  He was also painfully aware that every time he tried to do something he usually ended up making the situation worse than if he’d done nothing at all. In fact, he was beginning to think that the most effective and powerful course of action he could possibly take was exactly that: to do nothing at all.

  So, unable to hold back any longer, he did exactly that.

  Nothing.

  At all.

  Eleanor, however, had other ideas.

  ‘Murderer!’ she screamed, and flew through the air in the classic double-footed, double-handed kick-slap attack position.

  ‘Bum-hater!’ said the Great White Bum, slapping her to the ground.

  Zack watched, terrified, as the Great White Bum climbed out of the crater and lumbered towards the four limp bodies.

  ‘I’m so tired,’ said the Great White Bum, yawning and lowering itself down over the top of them all. ‘And it’s been such a long trip. I think I’ll have a little sit-down!’

  Zack gasped.

  He realised that his decision to do nothing at all couldn’t possibly be any worse than doing something. Anything!

  ‘No!’ he yelled, getting to his feet and charging forward.

  ‘Zack!’ yelled his bum. ‘Don’t do anything stupid.’

  But it was too late.

  Zack stood directly in front of the Great White Bum. ‘Get away from them,’ he demanded.

  ‘Mind your own business,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘They are my business,’ said Zack. ‘And so are you. I killed you once and I’ll kill you again!’

  ‘Correction!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You almost killed me once. And that was with the help of a bum-harpoon. What are you going to do without that? Bore me to death?’

  Zack stopped and thought.

  Or at least he tried to think.

  The smell of his mother’s perfume bomb was overwhelming and made it very difficult to think about anything at all.

  Then Zack remembered.

  He had something greater than Silas Sterne’s bum-harpoon. And something even more powerful than his mother’s perfume.

  Tomato sauce!

  He took the bottle from his belt, knelt down and pointed it at the Great White Bum. The perfume bomb would be no protection against the mutant zombie maggots once Zack had neutralised the perfume with tomato sauce. The Great White Bum was about to become mutant zombie maggot food.

  And by the way it had begun to tremble, Zack could see that the Great White Bum knew it too.

  ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ it said.

  ‘And why not?’ ask
ed Zack.

  ‘Because the moment you squirt me,’ said the Great White Bum, ‘not only will I lose the protection of your mother’s perfume bomb, but so will you.’

  Even though Zack was no stranger to sacrificing his life, he hesitated. He’d almost died once before and he hadn’t much enjoyed the experience. His mind flashed back to the bumcano. The death stink. The match. The gas. The explosion . . .

  ‘What are you waiting for, Zack?’ yelled Eleanor, who had revived sufficiently to be aware of what was happening. ‘Squirt!’

  ‘Don’t be a fool!’ said the Great White Bum.

  Zack thought hard. Well, as hard as it was possible to think when you could hardly think. In fact he didn’t think at all. He remembered.

  His mother.

  His father.

  His gran.

  The Forker.

  The Flicker.

  Eleanor’s mother.

  Eleanor’s father.

  The Smacker.

  The Kicker.

  The Kisser.

  The Prince and Maurice.

  Even Uranus (the planet).

  How many more had to die?

  When would the squashings and gassings and ‘rather large explosions’ stop?

  Zack tightened his grip on the squeezy-bottle.

  He might have failed to save the world from the mutant zombie maggots, but he could at least save the world, once and for all, from the threat of the Great White Bum.

  He closed his eyes and pressed hard on the squeezy-bottle.

  But nothing happened.

  He pressed it again.

  This time the bottle made a farty sound.

  Empty!

  Zack realised with a shock that he’d used every last drop of tomato sauce on preparing the zombie bums for the mutant maggot feast.

  The Great White Bum laughed.

  Zack was now completely helpless.

  ‘Time to die, tomato-sauce boy,’ hissed the Great White Bum.

  ‘Over my dead body!’ yelled Gran.

  ‘What are you doing still alive?’ said the Great White Bum, clearly surprised. ‘I thought I gassed you!’

  Gran smiled. ‘When you’ve breathed as much methane as I have,’ she said, ‘a little bit more doesn’t make a whole lot of difference.’

  She circled the Great White Bum as she spoke, her fingers in pincer formation, snapping menacingly at its thin white legs.

  The Great White Bum laughed, emitting great gusts of methane.

  Gran, however, continued undaunted. She managed to land a pinch on the Great White Bum’s left knee.

  ‘Go, Gran!’ yelled Zack’s bum.

  The Great White Bum howled and jerked its leg out involuntarily, sending Gran flying into the middle of the mutant zombie maggots.

  Zack drew his breath in sharply.

  His gran was surrounded by mutant zombie maggots, all about to strike.

  He could hardly watch.

  He’d already lost his parents.

  He couldn’t bear to lose his gran as well.

  Not that he need have worried.

  Gran stood up, looked around her and then did an extraordinary thing.

  She started to spin around on the spot—snipping and snapping the air with her pincer-fingers.

  Within moments all the mutant zombie maggots around her had lost their heads. Then, before they had a chance to repair themselves, Gran spun herself forward, cutting a deadly swathe through the hapless and increasingly headless sea of maggots back towards the Great White Bum. She was like a one-woman tornado, extracting maximum damage on the mutant zombie maggots.

  Eleanor shook her head in admiration. ‘Awesome,’ she said.

  ‘Not bad,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Not bad at all.’

  Zack nodded. ‘That’s my gran,’ he said, proudly.

  But just as Gran was about to reach them, a mutant zombie maggot dodged her pincers, grabbed her around the waist and started pulling her back into the frenzied mass. Gran tried digging her fingers into the ground in front of her, but it was no use. The mutant zombie maggot was too strong.

  ‘Aawww,’ said the Great White Bum with mock disappointment. ‘Just when she was doing so well, too.’

  Suddenly there was a loud whoosh and Zack saw a flash of silver fly through the air. A large fork had embedded itself in the mutant zombie maggot’s flesh. The mutant zombie maggot spun around. Gran jumped free and ran across the park at the Great White Bum with a bloodcurdling scream.

  ‘Calm down!’ said the Great White Bum, emitting great gusts of wind, which Zack assumed was laughter. As Gran got close it reached down and grabbed her in its rubbery hand. ‘You’ll give yourself a heart attack carrying on like that!’

  ‘Put her down!’ boomed the Forker.

  Zack looked at the Forker and the Flicker. They were fully revived and about to unload a double-pronged blitzkrieg of fork and towel-flick power on the Great White Bum.

  ‘Don’t worry about me,’ shouted Gran. ‘I’ll handle this oaf. Save yourselves! That’s an order!’

  ‘That’s an order we cannot obey!’ said the Forker, his hands no more than a blur as he assembled the biggest fork that Zack had ever seen. It was twice as big as the Forker himself, with prongs as long and wide as fence pickets. ‘Standby for MEGA-FORK launch! Count me down, Flicker!’

  The Flicker smiled broadly. ‘Five, four, three, two, one!’ he said, cracking his towel. The Forker hurled the mighty fork.

  Zack saw the Great White Bum flinch as the four deadly prongs of the mega-fork surged through the air towards it.

  But the Great White Bum was too fast. It emitted a powerful blast of gas which turned the mega-fork around in mid-flight and sent it hurtling back towards the Forker and the Flicker.

  ‘It’s coming back!’ cried the Flicker.

  ‘Well don’t just stand there,’ said the Forker. ‘RUN you idiot!’

  ‘You’re the idiot!’ said the Flicker. ‘It’s your mega-fork!’

  ‘Language!’ said Gran, struggling to escape the Great White Bum’s grip.

  The Forker and the Flicker turned to run, but the mega-fork was travelling too fast. It plunged deep into the ground trapping them both between its enormous prongs.

  ‘Mega-fork!’ said the Flicker, shaking his head. ‘What a stupid idea!’

  ‘It’s never failed before,’ said the Forker.

  ‘Have you ever actually used it before?’ said the Flicker.

  ‘No,’ said the Forker.

  Zack looked around him.

  As usual the situation was not good.

  The Great White Bum was holding Gran prisoner.

  The Forker and the Flicker were trapped underneath a giant fork.

  Eleanor was out of laxative capsules and Zack was out of sauce.

  Oh, and they were surrounded by indestructible mutant zombie maggots.

  Not a good situation no matter how you looked at it.

  ‘Put me down right now, you fat lump of rancid lard!’ said Gran, still struggling, ‘or you’ll be sorry!’

  ‘Language, Pincher!’ said the Great White Bum chuckling again. ‘The only thing I’m going to be sorry about is that none of you will be alive to see the course of bumolution reach its natural conclusion! Once the mutant zombie maggots have done their work and eliminated all human resistance, they’ll simply consume themselves and then the Earth will be mine. ALL mine.’

  ‘And then what?’ said Eleanor. ‘What in the univarse could possibly be the point of owning an empty, devastated planet?’

  ‘Ahh,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You have so little imagination! But that’s understandable; after all, it is your head talking and not your bum. Can’t you see? It’s not the Earth that I want. It’s the entire univarse! But I have to start somewhere. The Earth is not much, but it will do.’

  As the Great White Bum blathered on about his plans for the total bumification of the univarse, Zack noticed that Gran had passed out again. It didn’t surprise him. He wasn’t feel
ing too great himself. The combination of the Great White Bum’s breath, incredible brightness, intense heat and overpowering perfume-bomb stench all combined to make him feel extremely light-headed and dizzy.

  ‘We’re doomed, Zack!’ whispered his bum. ‘We’re doomed and we’re going to die.’

  Zack blinked as he surveyed the hopeless scene in front of him.

  It was hard not to agree.

  All of the mutant zombie maggots injured by Gran appeared to have restored themselves. In fact, they looked more formidable than before. Some even had dangerous-looking black bristles sprouting out from their smooth white skins . . .

  Hang on, thought Zack. Black bristles?

  He wondered if he was starting to hallucinate.

  ‘Hey!’ he said in a low voice to Eleanor. ‘Do those maggots have bristles or am I seeing things?’

  Eleanor looked at the maggots and then nodded.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They do! But mutant zombie maggots don’t have black bristles . . . not unless . . .’ She gripped Zack’s arm. ‘Do you think they’re about to change into blowflies?’

  ‘Well,’ said Zack, ‘it’s certainly possible. The Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord said they would.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said his bum. ‘Not giant mutant zombie blowflies! That’s terrible!’

  ‘Don’t panic,’ said Zack. ‘Remember the giant blowflies that chased us in the Sea of Bums? It wasn’t us they wanted—it was the poopoises, because of what they were made of. And there’s no poopoises around here, so we should be perfectly safe. But I sure am glad I’m not the Great White Bum.’

  Eleanor smiled and nodded. ‘This should be good,’ she said.

  The mutant zombie maggots were changing fast now.

  The heat and light generated by the Great White Bum’s enthusiasm for itself and its deluded quest had provided the perfect conditions for supercharging the mutant zombie maggot metabolism.

  They all had bristles.

  Most were growing legs and wings.

  A few were even sprouting the giant proboscises which Zack remembered only too well.

  The sound of frantic buzzing filled the air as the giant mutant zombie blowflies tested out their new wings. Before the Great White Bum had stopped talking and realised what was happening, they rose in a thick black swarm all around it.