Zombie Bums from Uranus

by Andy Griffiths

  Zack, Eleanor and Zack’s bum turned and high-fived each other.

  But the giant mutant zombie blowflies didn’t attack the Great White Bum.

  They couldn’t attack it.

  The giant zombie mutant blowflies began to fly away, clearly as repulsed by the perfume as they had been when they were mutant zombie maggots.

  The Great White Bum laughed. ‘This really must be my lucky day!’ it said. ‘And it’s not my birthday till next week!’

  Zack and Eleanor and his bum looked at each other in utter despair.

  The giant mutant zombie blowflies would now fly away and breed, producing ever-increasing amounts of new mutant zombie maggots which would spread all over the planet in a matter of weeks.

  And the Great White Bum was still alive.

  A tear rolled down Zack’s cheek.

  He wasn’t going to save the world after all.

  He couldn’t even save himself.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ said his bum gently.

  ‘Why not?’ said Zack.

  ‘Because I have a plan!’ it whispered.

  ‘What could you possibly do that we haven’t already tried?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Watch this!’ said his bum. It detached itself from Zack’s body and floated up in front of the Great White Bum.

  ‘What do you want?’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘Did I hear you say it was your birthday next week?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Yes,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Next Wednesday. Why?’

  ‘Well, in that case,’ said Zack’s bum, ‘please allow me to give you an early birthday present!’

  ‘It’s not necessary,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I already have all I desire.’

  ‘But not all you deserve,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ said the Great White Bum.

  Zack’s bum’s only reply was to bend over, summon all of its energy and blast its deadly payload all over the Great White Bum.

  ‘Many crappy returns of the day!’ it said.

  Zack’s bum’s early birthday present instantly neutralised the effects of the perfume bomb.

  The result was as swift as it was dramatic.

  The Great White Bum’s natural odour blasted through the air like a sonic boom—only there was no sound—just a sickening wave of stink.

  Zack watched as the giant mutant zombie blowflies picked up the scent, circled around and returned in a thick swarm. ‘Quick,’ said Zack to his bum. ‘Hide before they smell you as well!’

  Zack’s bum made a beeline for Zack’s trousers.

  ‘Get us out of here!’ said the Flicker, still trapped under the prongs of the mega-fork with the Forker.

  Zack and Eleanor ran across and tried to lift the fork out of the ground. But it was no use. The mega-fork was in too deep. And within moments the air around them was filled with giant mutant zombie blowflies. They ran to take cover in the drain. ‘We’ll be back,’ called Eleanor.

  The giant mutant zombie blowflies were attacking the Great White Bum from all angles, bombarding him with the yellowish-green gunk they used to help soften and partially digest their food before eating it.

  ‘Blast you, you infernal giant mutant zombie blowflies!’ yelled the Great White Bum, as it danced around using Gran as a flyswat. ‘And blast you, Zack Freeman, AND your meddling bum!’

  ‘Language!’ yelled Gran as she went whizzing through the gunk-filled air, occasionally colliding with a giant mutant zombie blowfly.

  But the Great White Bum was fighting a losing battle. Without its perfume shield the enormous bum was helpless against the relentless onslaught of the giant mutant zombie blowflies.

  Finally it did the only thing it could do.

  The Great White Bum crouched down and blasted off from the Earth with as much thrust as it could muster.

  Zack watched as the Great White Bum soared into the air with the cloud of giant zombie mutant blowflies in hot pursuit.

  ‘Gran!’ yelled Zack. ‘We have to save her!’

  ‘Are you mad?’ said his bum.

  ‘No,’ said Zack, climbing out of the drain. He ran to a giant mutant zombie blowfly that had been stunned in the attack. ‘I’d do the same for you.’ He quickly unrolled some toilet paper from his belt and lassoed it around the giant mutant zombie blowfly’s neck. Then, grabbing hold of one of its bristles, he swung himself up onto the giant mutant zombie blowfly’s back.

  ‘I’m coming with you!’ said Eleanor, swinging herself up behind Zack. ‘It’s payback time.’ She sat behind him and put her arms around his waist.

  ‘Good luck!’ yelled the Forker.

  ‘We’ll just wait here!’ yelled the Flicker.

  Zack and Eleanor waved.

  ‘I hope you know what you’re doing!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Me too!’ said Zack, converting the lasso into a set of makeshift reins and flicking them hard against the giant mutant zombie blowfly’s throbbing thorax. With a start it jumped up into the air and joined in the pursuit of the Great White Bum.

  ‘Where did you learn to ride giant mutant zombie blowflies?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘In the bum-fighting simulator,’ said Zack. ‘It was one of the few things I wasn’t completely crap at.’

  ‘Language!’ yelled Gran from up ahead of them.

  The Great White Bum zig-zagged and looped and flew at tremendous speeds in an attempt to shake the giant mutant zombie blowflies, but nothing worked.

  Zack managed to gain on the mob of blowflies and draw to the front. He reached over and, using the giant mutant zombie blowfly’s proboscis like a fire hose, blasted the Great White Bum with goo.

  ‘Watch out where you’re pointing that thing!’ said Gran, who seemed to be bearing the brunt of the goo attack.

  Finally—unable to shake the giant mutant zombie blowflies—the Great White Bum zoomed straight up into the air, passed through the clouds and just kept going.

  Straight up.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Eleanor, visibly shivering. ‘We’re in trouble now.’

  ‘I thought we already were,’ said Zack, who was also starting to shiver.

  ‘No, really big trouble,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I thought we were already in that as well,’ said Zack.

  ‘No, really, really big trouble!’ said Eleanor. ‘The Great White Bum can’t lose the blowflies on Earth, so it’s heading out into space!’

  ‘That’s brilliant!’ said Zack. ‘The blowflies will follow it out there and before they realise where they are they’ll be frozen to death! You’ve got to hand it to the Great White Bum. It’s not stupid!’

  ‘No,’ said Eleanor. ‘But YOU ARE!’

  ‘Why do you say that?’ said Zack.

  ‘In case you hadn’t noticed,’ said Zack’s bum, ‘the Great White Bum has still got Gran around the neck. It’s taking her with it.’

  ‘That’s really bad,’ said Zack.

  ‘It’s more than really bad,’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s REALLY, REALLY bad! We’re heading into space with no protection whatsoever—not even a warm jumper! Don’t you remember what Dad taught you about the danger of unprepared space travel during his lecture on interplanetary bum-fighting?’

  The air was thinning and Zack was finding it difficult to think. He vaguely remembered the lecture but he had been very tired at the time and had nodded off once or twice. ‘Sort of,’ he said.

  ‘Let me remind you,’ said Eleanor, quoting from memory. ‘“Exposed to the vacuum of space, your body fluids would quickly boil. Bubbles would form in your blood vessels and body tissues, causing them to rupture. All the gases inside your body would expand. You would become unconscious in about fifteen seconds. You would have permanent brain damage in about four minutes. That’s if your skin wasn’t punctured by small, high-speed particles travelling through space. Or you weren’t instantly snap-frozen in temperatures as low as minus 100 degrees, or turned into galactic fried human in temperatures as high as 120 degrees in
the full glare of the sun.”’

  ‘But what about Gran?’ said Zack.

  ‘What about us?’ said Eleanor. ‘Maybe we have to let her go.’

  ‘No way!’ said Zack.

  ‘But it’s not worth all of us dying, Zack!’ said Eleanor, reaching for the reins. ‘We have to turn back!’

  ‘Just a little bit longer!’ said Zack, pulling the reins away from Eleanor’s grasping hands. ‘If we can just go a little bit faster . . .’

  ‘No!’ said Eleanor, making a desperate lunge for control of the giant mutant zombie blowfly.

  Zack jerked his hands upwards.

  Suddenly there was the sound of tearing toilet paper.

  Zack stared at the shreds of the reins in his hands as the now uncontrollable giant mutant zombie blowfly continued its pursuit of the Great White Bum into space.

  ‘Now you’ve done it!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I didn’t do it,’ said Zack. ‘You did!’

  ‘You BOTH did it!’ said Zack’s bum.

  Zack and Eleanor glared at each other.

  ‘Well, I guess this is it,’ said Zack, finally shrugging. ‘We can’t survive in outer space without spacesuits.’

  He felt his bum shrug. ‘It’s not impossible,’ it said.

  ‘How could it not be impossible?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘We need a bubble shield,’ said his bum.

  ‘A what?’ said Zack.

  ‘A bubble shield,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I can make one.’

  ‘I don’t think so!’ said Zack. He wasn’t sure what a bubble shield was, exactly, but he didn’t like the sound of it. Or the smell of it, for that matter.

  ‘No way,’ said Eleanor.

  Zack’s bum sounded slightly hurt. ‘It’s your choice,’ it said. ‘I just thought that you might both prefer NOT to have all the fluids in your body boil. I kind of had this silly idea that you might think it was better to AVOID having bubbles form in your blood vessels and body tissues which would cause them to rupture. And, call me crazy, but is having all the gases in your body expand, becoming unconscious in about fifteen seconds, having permanent brain damage after four minutes and being subjected to temperatures as low as minus 100 degrees and as high as 120 degrees in the full glare of the sun REALLY the way you both hoped to die?’

  ‘Well, now that you put it like that,’ said Zack, ‘maybe it is worth a try.’

  Eleanor nodded. ‘It won’t be for long, anyhow. Once the Great White Bum has destroyed the giant mutant zombie blowflies it will hightail it back into the atmosphere as fast it can.’

  ‘I knew you’d see it my way,’ said Zack’s bum, beginning to emit enough gas to form a protective bubble that would cocoon itself, Zack and Eleanor against the ravages of outer space.

  As it did so, they rapidly passed through the upper layers of the atmosphere. They rocketed through a range of colours, the shades of which Zack had never seen before—extraordinary greens and reds and rich purples that gradually merged into the infinite blackness of space.

  Zack marvelled at its beauty, despite the pungency of the bubble shield.

  He looked down.

  Not only could he see the blue Earth curving away from him in all directions, but he saw the zombie blowflies still in hot pursuit.

  Zack couldn’t figure it out.

  It wasn’t possible.

  Then it hit him.

  It was obvious.

  They weren’t ordinary flies.

  They were zombie flies.

  Outer space couldn’t kill them.

  They were already dead.

  It began to dawn on Zack that this might not be quite as short a trip into outer space as they had hoped.

  The Great White Bum sped up. It was already going fast. Unencumbered by gravity it was travelling at more than one hundred times the speed of wind.

  And now it was going faster still.

  It passed the Moon.

  It passed Mars.

  ‘Where in the univarse is it going?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘But I sure hope we get there soon. I can’t keep up this shield forever, you know.’

  And then, up ahead, they saw something more scary than zombie bums, mutant zombie maggots and giant mutant zombie blowflies put together.

  A huge swirling brown vortex.

  A brown hole—the most destructive force in the univarse–and they were headed straight for it!

  Zack stared at the brown hole.

  It was terrifying.

  He recalled the Blind Bum-feeler’s words: ‘Fear not the brown hole.’ At the time he’d thought it was a baffling piece of advice. And now that he was face to face with one, he was even more confused.

  How was it possible not to fear a brown hole?

  In his lecture on interplanetary bum-fighting Silas Sterne had thumped the lectern as he tried to impress on the students just how dangerous a brown hole was. That not even the most experienced, most skilled bum-fighters stood a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving a close encounter with one of these monsters. ‘Because make no mistake,’ Silas had said, ‘that is what they are! Monsters! They’ll suck you in, chew you up and then . . . well, if by some miracle you were lucky enough to make it out the other end you can be sure of one thing: it wouldn’t be the same place you went in. The forces inside a brown hole are so powerful that they warp the very fabric of space. You could find yourself crawling out into another solar system . . . another galaxy . . . maybe even a whole other univarse! One thing’s for sure: the chances of making it back home again are a zillion to none. A brown hole is a one-way roller-coaster into the unknown. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!’

  Zack was more than willing to avoid this particular brown hole at all costs, but it was a little difficult when the giant mutant zombie blowfly they were riding was hell-bent on pursuing the Great White Bum, and the Great White Bum was hell-bent on heading straight for the brown hole.

  Zack could feel the hairs being sucked out of his scalp, his eyes being sucked out of their sockets and—worst of all—his bum being sucked off his body.

  ‘Help me, Zack!’ yelled his bum. ‘Help me!’

  Zack reached around behind him to try to hold on to his bum. He knew that losing his bum not only meant losing the shield that stood between him and outer space, but it also meant losing the best bum a boy could ever have wanted.

  Zack grabbed hold of his bum’s hand. ‘I’ve got you,’ he said.

  But the pull of the brown hole was overwhelming.

  Zack could feel his bum slipping from his grasp.

  ‘Jump!’ yelled Eleanor, standing up behind Zack.

  ‘But it’s not safe!’ said Zack, one arm still hugging the giant mutant zombie blowfly’s back. It was all he had left.

  ‘Not safe?’ said Eleanor. ‘If we stay on this giant mutant zombie blowfly we’re going to be sucked into a brown hole, you idiot!’

  ‘You’re the idiot,’ said Zack. ‘If we jump we’re going to be sucked into a brown hole anyway!’

  ‘Language, you two!’ called Gran from somewhere up in front of them.

  Gran’s words jolted Zack. Even in the face of a brown hole she was still fighting for the standards of decency that she held so dear. Fighting a losing battle, perhaps, but fighting nonetheless. Zack felt ashamed of himself. There was still time to make a difference. Not much time—and perhaps not much of a difference—but there was still time.

  ‘All right!’ said Zack, looking up at Eleanor. ‘Abandon giant mutant zombie blowfly!’

  ‘Spoken like a true bum-fighter!’ said Eleanor.

  Zack stood up and, holding his bum in one hand and Eleanor’s hand in the other, jumped.

  Not a moment too soon.

  Floating in space, Zack and Eleanor watched in awe as the Great White Bum charged towards the brown hole, followed by the giant mutant zombie blowfly they had just been riding on.

  ‘Gran!’ yelled Zack, horrified as he realised what was happening.
<
br />   ‘Goodbye, Zack!’ he heard her call. ‘May your bum be with you!’

  ‘I will,’ called Zack’s bum. ‘I promise.’

  And then, just when it seemed certain that Gran and the Great White Bum had reached the point of no return, the Great White Bum changed course. It swung across the mouth of the brown hole, turned around and began to fly back towards Zack and Eleanor.

  The giant mutant zombie blowflies, however, were nowhere near as smart—or as powerful—as the Great White Bum. Unable to escape the brown hole’s gravitational pull, the entire swarm disappeared in an instant.

  ‘So that was the Great White Bum’s plan!’ said Zack, watching as it battled the brown hole’s gravity. ‘Brilliant!’

  ‘Maybe,’ said Eleanor. ‘Maybe not.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Zack.

  ‘It’s not out of trouble yet,’ said Eleanor.

  Zack looked again.

  Eleanor was right.

  The Great White Bum was definitely struggling. It had obviously underestimated the power of the brown hole. It seemed to have reached a point where it wasn’t being sucked back into it, but neither could it break free and move forwards.

  It was stuck.

  Zack and Eleanor, still floating in space, looked at each other. They both knew that with one combined kick they could send the Great White Bum hurtling into the brown hole.

  But it wasn’t that straightforward.

  Now that they no longer had a giant mutant zombie blowfly to ride, they had no way of moving themselves through space.

  And, besides, the Great White Bum was still holding Gran.

  ‘Help me,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Help me and I’ll let your grandmother go free!’

  ‘Don’t you dare, Zack!’ said Gran.

  ‘But, Gran!’ said Zack.

  ‘But Gran nothing!’ said Gran. ‘You’ll never get a better chance to get rid of the Great White Bum. I’m old. I’ve had a good life. It will be an honour to accompany the Great White Bum to its doom!’

  ‘Don’t listen to her, Zack,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘She’s delirious. And she’s all the family you have left. Better save her while you still have the chance.’

  Zack bit his lip.

  ‘Don’t listen to the Great White Bum, Zack,’ said Eleanor. ‘Maybe your gran’s right. Better her than put the whole world at risk!’