Crossed Off

by Lacey Silks

  Before he got a chance to speak again, Annabelle sat at my other side.

  “Thank you.” She hugged me. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you came. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

  “Annabelle, I’m sorry if I gave you the idea that I didn’t want to.”

  “No, that’s not it.”

  “It’s just that since Blake... it’s been hard.”

  “I understand, Sky. Completely. It took me a long time to acknowledge that it wasn’t my fault that Rick chose to stalk me. And you... I mean you lost everything because of him... and if I hadn’t....”

  “No, Annabelle. Let’s not do this now. No one could have known what he’d do.” I took my sister’s hands into mine. “Let’s celebrate today, okay? It’s your wedding tomorrow, and I can’t wait to stand beside you as you’re saying your vows.”

  She had a nervous look in her eyes. I knew she wanted to ask me something, and whatever it was, wasn’t easy. “Sky, I was wondering whether you’d go somewhere with me.” She squeezed my hand. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but I didn’t want to do it without someone who would understand. I haven’t been to Peacock Lake since that day. And I know that you know why....”

  “Oh....”

  “I mean, I understand if you don’t want to. But I think it would mean a lot to Derek if you did. He needs peace. We both do. I think you do as well. And I need to do this before the wedding.”

  “Of course. You mean right now?”

  She nodded, waving Derek over. He took her in his arms and held her there. It was as if he knew she was just talking about his deceased brother.

  “Do you guys mind if Cash comes?” I asked.

  Cash shifted. “Are you sure? This looks like a family thing.”

  Annabelle took his hand, pulling him up and said, “All the more reason why you should join us.”

  Ten minutes later, we walked through the forest. I don’t know why but it appeared as if the bushes and grasses had thickened since the last time I’d been here, or maybe it was only because not many had come here in the past two years.

  This walk brought so many memories. At first, I wasn’t sure whether I could do it. I remembered Rick dragging both Annabelle and Blake through these woods. They were unconscious. I wanted to run for help, but he’d told me if I did, he’d kill them right away. I had no choice but to follow. That’s when the first cramps tightened in my belly. I’d smoothed my hand over my baby boy, hoping to take away the pain that’d been running through my body away from him, praying for this nightmare to be a dream. I don’t quite remember how many times I tripped over the branches, or how many cuts I garnered on my legs and knees.

  “Are you all right, Sky?” Cash whispered, bringing me back to the present.

  “Yes,” I said. The voice that came out of my mouth wasn’t my own. It was of that scared girl who’d watched her fiancé die in front of her eyes. It was that girl’s who’d hidden her entire life from her father, avoiding him at all costs, desperately hoping he’d ignore her. And once I was a teenager, Huntz had finally abandoned me. Who knew that leaving your child on her own would be better than being in her life?

  We arrived at the lake and stood on the shore where Blake’s lifeless body lay two years ago. Shivers covered my arms. Old nerves flew through me. I looked out into the distance. The perfectly flat surface reflected the trees and rocks around its edges, encasing the sky’s mirror image right in the middle, living up to the lake’s name. Annabelle spoke first.

  “Thank you, Blake. I am here because of you.” She paused. We all took a deep breath in. I prayed they didn’t want me to say anything, as I wasn’t too sure what to say. But Annabelle found the strength and continued. “I practiced this so many times before today, and it doesn’t make it any easier. I can’t tell you how much I wish you were here with us yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And you will be, just a bit differently than I had hoped. That day, standing on that boat.... I didn’t want to lose my best friend. It was like some sort of a dream happening so fast. And you yelled out to have me saved first. I just want you to know that I will treasure that forever. I am here today because of you.”

  Derek wrapped his arms around my sister, kissed the top of her head, and said, “If you’re out there buddy... I’m sorry I couldn’t be fast enough. And thank you for making my choice. Thank you for giving me your permission to get this beautiful woman in my arms out first. Thank you for making it easier on me as your last breath vanished. You were one of the bravest men I ever knew. I miss you and I will always miss you.”

  A light breeze ruffled the leaves above us. Everyone remained quiet, and I thought they were all looking at me. Was I expected to say something? What do you say to the first person you ever loved when you can’t even see him? What do you say to the father of the baby you weren’t able to hold on to?

  “I didn’t prepare anything,” I whispered. “I didn’t expect to come here today.”

  Annabelle stepped to my side. “It’s okay, Sky. You don’t need to.”

  But I did need to. It was the least I owed him. We were supposed to be partners for life.

  “I... I feel like I let you down, Blake. I wish I could have learned to swim when I was younger. I wish I’d been brave enough to have stopped Rick. I didn’t get that courage until it was too late. And I couldn’t hold on to our baby.”

  Someone passed me a tissue. I didn’t realize that tears were streaking down my face. I wiped them away and continued. “But it gives me peace that our angel has his daddy with him, and that my sister is marrying your brother. And Kyle, he looks so much like you. He’s as strong and brave as you were. You know, I have a friend up there, her name is Carly.” I squeezed Cash’s hand. “If you run into her, she has a little boy as well. Maybe they could be friends. Blake, if you’re out there somewhere, watching over us—” I looked up to the heavens where I was sure Blake’s soul rested— “then you know how much we’ve all missed you the past two years and we’ll never stop missing you. I hope you can see our dreams and hopes, struggles and failures. I hope you can somehow share in our sorrow and our happiness, because I desperately need to share it with you. It doesn’t matter where we are or how our lives change, you will always be a part of us. I promise to be strong for both our families.”

  I walked over to a tree where a vine of ivy climbed up its core. I tore a leaf away and set it down on the water’s surface.

  Annabelle and Derek left quietly, giving me more space. I turned to Cash and asked, “Can I have five minutes, please?”

  He kissed my forehead, saying, “I won’t be far, Skyler,” and walked back through the path we’d entered by.

  I climbed up over the rocks at the shore and sat on the cliff overlooking Peacock Lake, the same one Derek jumped off two years ago to save Annabelle and then Blake. People had always told me how beautiful this lake was, but since that day, all I could ever remember was the overcast sky and the rain pouring down the day Blake drowned; the day I watched Annabelle pump his chest for over an hour as she was trying to save him, when his brother held his hand and listened for a breath.

  And all I could do was watch. I tried to pinpoint the moment he died but couldn’t. For that entire hour as Blake’s face lost its glow and turned form pink to gray, I kept hoping that he’d be alive, that somehow the father of my baby would survive. And the moment I realized it wouldn’t happen, I felt that second cramp in my stomach. This one didn’t let go.

  I lowered my hand to below the navel, remembering the pain. It was as clear as if it had all happened only moments ago. The difference now was that there was no rain, ambulance sirens weren’t wailing in the distance, Annabelle wasn’t crying over Blake’s body, and Derek wasn’t holding on to his brother’s hand. They’d all moved on. Was that what Blake would have wanted me to do as well? To move on? I was looking across the peaceful lake when the sun’s reflection on the shore across from us caught my eye. I lifted my hand to shade my
eyes but couldn’t see anyone. It was probably another fisherman trying to catch the pike and its fake bait had caught the sun. For the first time today, a stronger wind blew, rippling the lake’s water. Chills swept over my body, and I wished I had my sweater on instead of a T-shirt. I climbed off the rock and went back to find Cash.

  CHAPTER 15

  The time we’d spent in Ogden passed too quickly. While I wanted to stay longer, Annabelle and Derek needed time to themselves. I promised Eric and my parents to come visit more often. Hopefully after this sting and once Emma found Mateo, I could return to a somewhat normal life. I was ready to put my past behind me, but it couldn’t happen until I was sure my family would not be harmed by one of my half-brothers again.

  Three days before our trip to the Bahamas Cash received an invitation from his father to join the family for dinner. It was Saturday morning, and I wasn’t sure whether I should have been excited about the news or nervous about this last-minute request. Cash has been walking around the condo the entire morning as if someone had scattered broken glass all over the floor. He couldn’t find a spot to settle in. When I tried to approach him in one of the lingerie outfits he bought me, he barely glanced up.

  “Why are you so worried? It will be fine. I’m actually excited to meet Scar. He’s the only one I haven’t yet met in your family.”

  “My father has a history of hosting dinners for selfish reasons. I don’t know what, but I know he’s up to something.”

  “Give him the benefit of the doubt, Cash. Is it possible that deep down he wants the same things that you do? You know, for the family to be together at one table once in a while, happy, sharing stories.”

  I was sure I sounded as if I were on some sort of a high from visiting my own family, but I couldn’t help it.

  I was afraid that if Cash sulked any more, I’d need to set up a Christmas tree in the middle of summer to get him in a more festive mood. He was sitting on the couch’s armrest, reached for my hand and brought me between his legs.

  “I love how naive you are, Sky. And while I wish what you were saying was true, I just know my father too well. He wants something, and when he does, he’ll do anything to get it.”

  “What can I do to make you forget this for the next two hours?” His brows rose up and down as he finally gave in and grasped my ass.

  ***

  That afternoon, as we drove down a long, paved driveway on Long Island, my mouth opened wider and wider, and the mansion I imagined Cash lived in slowly came into sight between the mature pines. Cash gently tapped on my chin, reminding me to close it.

  “Holy crap! Did we land on the other side of the world?” Before today, I’d conjured images of the house similar to the white house and mansions I’d seen on the internet, but not even for a second would I have expected a castle suitable to host Cinderella’s ball.

  “No, this is where I grew up,” he answered not too enthusiastically.

  “Not too many good memories?” I lowered my hand to his.

  “There were some good ones, of course. When we were young and innocent and unspoiled, but it was a short part of my life.”

  “I can’t imagine having all this and not being happy as a child. It must have felt as if you were royalty.”

  “My mom made sure we didn’t feel that way. And I’m very grateful to her for that. I think it gave me that snap of reality I needed to pull away from Father’s businesses.”

  He parked the car in front of the five car garage then leaned back in the seat, as if not completely certain that he wanted to go inside.

  “Did you always want to be a lawyer? I mean, all your brothers are as well, right?”

  “I think it was expected of us.”

  “Even Scar? Your strip-club-owner brother?”

  “Yeah, even Scar. I think Grace was the only one who escaped father’s insistence to go to law school.”

  Why did I get the feeling of dread radiating off Cash? “Come on, give it a chance. I’m sure it will be fine. And if it’s not, we can always leave and go back home, right?”

  I saw his mouth curve up. The darkness covering his eyes lifted, shifting his mood.

  “What did I say?” I asked.

  “Home.”

  If I knew I’d get that smile out of him, then I would have said it long ago.

  “You think of the condo as our home?”

  Oh! I didn’t realize I said that. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. It’s your place and....”

  “No, Sky. It is our home. Yours and mine. That’s exactly the way I want you to think of it.”

  “Really? And you don’t mind the cat hair?”

  “No, I don’t. And I don’t mind the stockings hanging in the bathroom, or your bra on the chair in the bedroom. I love the lipsticks I find in the bathroom drawer, kitchen pantry, and in my office. And that pink-rose smell everywhere. It all makes it feel like home, not an apartment. All those things remind me of you, and nothing makes me happier.” He paused for a moment. A brief flash of nerves crossed his face before he spoke again. “And most of all, I love sharing it with the woman I’m falling in love with.”

  I gasped. Did this wonderful man just say he was falling in love with me? My heart was drumming so loud in my chest that it was the only sound I could hear. I saw Cash’s mouth move as he spoke, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying until he touched my bottom lip with his thumb, saying, “Are you okay, Sky?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Thank you.”

  Thank you? Who says thank you after a man professes his love to you? Did I love him too? Was that feeling of safety and will to give up everything for him love? Could I imagine my life without him? No, I couldn’t. I could no longer picture myself without Cash. Over the past month he had changed me and helped me discover who I was. He encouraged me to live and nurtured my soul to heal and give life another try.

  “I... I....”

  “No, Sky. You don’t need to say it back. We all have our own timeframe, and I’m not going to rush you. But I just thought you should know what you mean to me.”

  I took a deep breath. This man was so wonderful and selfless, I wasn’t sure what I’d done to find him, but my fairy godmother, wherever she was, was definitely looking out for me. “I’m not going to say it because you have, but because I want you to know how wonderful it is to hear those words from someone you love. I didn’t think it was possible for me to open up again until I met you. You’re everything to me, Cash. I miss you the moment you leave a room, and I miss you at night when I fall asleep. My only solace is knowing that as soon as I close my eyes I’ll be dreaming about you, because I’m so madly in love with you, it hurts. I’ll never be able to thank you properly for opening up your heart and your home to me.”

  “I can think of a few ways to do that.” He had that panty-dropping grin on his face, and if it weren’t for the fact that we were supposed to ring the doorbell in less than two minutes not to be late, I would have reclined the seat and pulled him on top of me. “So, you really love me?” he asked.

  “I do. I love you, Cash Wagner.”

  The yearning with which he pressed his lips to mine said it all, and for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. He leaned his forehead against mine, saying, “Can we go home now? I want to have the woman who loves me in my bed. I need to be inside you, Sky.”

  “As much as I want to say yes, you know you can’t cancel this dinner.”

  A grunt of disappointment vibrated in his chest.

  “If you’d like, we can always sneak into a bathroom,” I suggested.

  Just as Cash was about to reply, someone knocked on his window.

  “Hey, you two, a few more minutes and you’re going to steam up the car.”

  A younger version of Cash, with a lot more grit and a bit less style, backed away as Cash opened the door. The woman standing to the side wasn’t someone I’d expect Scar to date. From what Cash has told me about his younger brother, I’d imagined her to have at least a nose ring and a fe
w splashes of color in her hair. Instead, the girl was normal.

  “Good to see you, Scar.” The brothers shook hands. Cash reached into the backseat and handed him a bag as I opened my door and came around to join them. “The costume I borrowed.”

  Cash immediately wrapped his arm around my waist in a more possessive way than I expected and introduced us. “This is my girlfriend, Skyler. And she’s totally off-limits, Scar, so please don’t pull any of your shit.”

  But his younger brother ignored Cash and instead of shaking my hand, he came in for a full-body hug, completely shocking me.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Sky. But I’m not a hand shaker. You never know where people keep their hands.”

  “Oh, it’s nice to meet you too,” I said, equally as shocked as I saw Cash to be.

  “This is Jules. A friend. Just a friend.”

  I extended my hand out to the beautiful girl standing by his side. “It’s nice to meet you. Have you guys known each other long?” I asked.

  “Actually, we met in high school and sort of ran into each other a few weeks ago.”

  Cash lowered his gaze to his watch. “We better get in if we don’t want to get the punctuality lecture from Father.”

  “Right, good thinking.” Scar followed his brother’s lead. For a couple who weren’t dating, him and Jules appeared to be extremely comfortable with each other when he took her hand. The chemistry between them sizzled, and I wondered why they weren’t more than friends.

  “Scar has commitment issues,” Cash whispered in my ear when we pulled a little further away. “I’ll fill you in later.”

  The doorbell echoed through the entire house, and to my surprise it was Beth, Cash’s mom, who opened the door instead of the butler in white gloves that I expected.

  “Why are you guys ringing the doorbell? It’s your house,” she said before bringing me in for a hug. Her apron with its “I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees” design gave me a good chuckle.