The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

  Jason had shut himself in the restroom to do the urine sample but after twenty minutes it became apparent that he wasn't coming out. I had to apologies to the Doctor while he waited and I talked to Jason through the door.

  ‘Please, Jason,’ I had tried to coax him out. ‘It's no big deal, but you're gonna have to get used to having these done.’

  When the door had opened I almost expected to get his sample sloshed in my face but thankfully he did relent and handed me the closed pot. He stayed shut in the restroom long after the Doctor went, but I figured might as well let him do what he wanted.

  I noticed he showered a lot, literally every day. Sometimes twice a day. I was worried he was getting obsessed over silly things. Which was probably why he was making an issue out of me not sharing the bed with him.

  ‘As long as you're OK with it,’ I said now, getting into my own bed. ‘Then I'm great.’

  ‘Yeah, fine,’ he grumbled as he laid down, pulling away most of the duvet and leaving me with virtually nothing. I had just known he'd be like that to sleep next to.

  So as soon as we starting sleeping in the same bed I spent pretty much all my time sexually frustrated. At least I was sleeping better, I didn't have as many nightmares. I still had the odd one but thankfully not often. I was dreaming about other things entirely.

  The last few years, when I woke in the morning sex had been pretty far from my mind. I'd ignore that warm feeling of the blood thrumming in my cock, the first thing I normally thought about when I woke up. I'd go have a cold shower. On my own, I got quite good at ignoring it.

  Now I was waking up, feeling horny and the first thing I saw was Jason. Often not wearing much; we were both so hot that sleeping in the same bed made us shed clothes. I'd been so used to having my big bed to myself that I kept rolling closer to him, not realizing I was reaching out for him in my sleep until he pushed me away. I'd wake up apologizing and shuffle back to the edge of the bed.

  Four years of pent up longing was just itching to break free, and not being able to do something about it was starting to get to me.

  The first couple of weeks I'd not been to the gym, gone out or done anything except rush home to check on Jason. He was still doing nothing, either watching TV or listening to music, or both at once. He gave me shopping lists of CDs he wanted. I'd scan through the bands he scribbled down, none of them made sense to me. He had no interest in going out. I tried to persuade him but after a while he'd tell me to quit bugging him.

  So here I was, trying not to annoy him. I started going to the gym again with Aaron after work. I tried to burn off as much excess energy as I could, but I didn't dare go to the gyms I went to with Ryan. I didn't mind waiting for Jason if we had any chance together, I really didn't. But it was harder than I thought it would be. In every sense of the word.

  Ryan called me one evening.

  ‘Where have you been?’ he chided. ‘I haven't seen you in like, three weeks!’

  Jason was in the bedroom but I was suddenly nervous about him over-hearing me. Alicia watched me as I got up and walked through to the kitchen.

  ‘Yeah, sorry,’ I said. ‘It's been like, so hectic here.’

  ‘Mm-hmm,’ Ryan was obviously not convinced. ‘You've got someone there. I can't believe you've met someone and not told me!’

  ‘Wha-? No...’ I lied. Badly, as I could hear Ryan's breathy laughter down the phone.

  ‘Then why are you whispering? Or have you got relatives over? Are you still in the closet with them?’

  I opened my mouth but wasn't able to speak for a moment.

  Ryan was quick to fill the silence. ‘Oh my god, you're not ditching me, are you?’

  ‘No!’ I said, finally finding my voice. ‘Look it's...complicated.’

  ‘Ohh?’ he replied. ‘Complicated in a good way or a bad way?’

  I found myself glancing around the wall, through the apartment. Alicia was still on the couch watching TV, while Jason was in the bedroom, doing whatever he was doing. Ignoring us, mostly.

  I sighed. ‘I don't know yet. My er, friend has come to stay.’

  ‘Uh huh, and this is why you're suddenly a recluse?’

  ‘Er...yeah.’

  ‘Well come out tomorrow and tell me all about it!’

  ‘I can't...’ I tried.

  It was no use though. Ryan was determined. I agreed to go to the gym with him the next day after work. When I met him there and he hugged me, as he normally did, I rather embarrassingly got a boner. I turned quickly and tried to will it away. I was so damn frustrated all the time.

  I hoped Ryan wouldn't notice but of course he did.

  ‘Miiike,’ he smirked. ‘We can go back to my place, you know. Marty isn't there.’

  ‘No, I can't,’ I said, forcing myself to focus on something else. ‘I told you that was weird anyway.’

  Ryan laughed lightly. ‘Yeah, but you're the only one who thinks that. Marty sees other people too. It's totally fine.’

  ‘It would still be weird. And,’ I breathed in as I added, ‘I can't now anyway.’

  I jumped onto one of the step machines and tried to ignore another guy to my left who was giving us a look. I concentrated on the machine, adjusted the settings and started pounding away at it. I was pretty good now at ignoring my urges if I focused on something else.

  Ryan started on the machine next to me, not going nearly as fast. ‘Mike, you look tense. Why don't we go in the sauna?’

  The suggestion broke my concentration and a pleasurable shudder ran down my back. I did my best to ignore it and shook my head. ‘Maybe another time.’

  ‘Hm, Ok,’ Ryan gave in. He glanced at me and after a few moments said, ‘So, what's up?’

  I didn't answer at first. I wasn't entirely sure how to put my current situation into words or how he'd react.

  ‘If you want to know, I'll tell you but I'm totally serious. I don't want you to make fun of me or anything.’

  ‘OK,’ he said easily. ‘You're not turning straight on me, are you?’

  ‘No,’ I almost laughed. ‘I'm waiting for someone.’

  ‘Right. And?’

  ‘And,’ I shrugged as best I could whilst holding onto the machine. ‘I'm waiting.’

  ‘Oh.’ Ryan frowned. ‘Riiight. You mean, you're taking yourself off the market?’

  ‘Yeah, I guess.’

  ‘For how long?’

  ‘I don't know,’ I said honestly. ‘I guess I'm waiting for him to tell me.’

  Ryan glanced at me, smirking again. ‘OK, well when you're back out there you let me know.’

  Alicia asked to meet me after work for a coffee. I knew that spelled trouble. When I met her, she explained that she was going to move in with Will.

  I was upset, and tried to convince her to stay.

  ‘Mike, it's fine, really it is,’ she said, holding my hand. ‘Will is sharing a big place with a couple of our friends. He offered, and it'll be good for me to share with my class mates. It's a friendly apartment.’

  ‘I don't want you to feel pushed out,’ I said, feeling frustrated.

  ‘Yeah but, three's a crowd. Honestly, if you two want to be a couple then you need your space. I can tell he doesn't like me being there.’

  ‘He'll get better,’ I said, still hoping that was true.

  Alicia smiled at me. ‘I'm sure he will. This is really for the best. I'll still come visit, I won't be far away. We can meet up for lunch, do a double date?’

  I raised my eyebrows slightly. ‘You've changed your tune,’ I stated.

  ‘Yeah, well,’ Alicia got that dreamy look on her face again. ‘Will said that we should accept people for who they are, life's too short to worry about the little things.’

  I almost felt like rolling my eyes. Good old Will and his philosophy.

  ‘OK, then,’ I reluctantly agreed. ‘We'll still keep your room as it is. You can come back any time.’

  ‘Sure,’ she smiled.

  So Alicia moved out the following weekend.<
br />
  I paid for a large rental car to come and collect her when I saw the amount of boxes and bags she was piling up. I'd had no idea how much stuff she had crammed into that room. She took most of her clothes but left some things there.

  Will came to help her move, naturally. I still wasn't sure if I was keen on him, I found him a little annoying at times. He was pleasant enough, and he obviously doted on her.

  That was the main thing, I guess.

  I figured Alicia must have told Will about the whole situation, as he seemed over-friendly that day. He especially seemed eager to introduce himself to Jason, who only stalked out of our bedroom once to get a drink. Will was enthusiastic while Jason was typically rude in response, speaking in clipped tones and doing that haughty look he gave people he didn't like.

  Poor Will, he persevered. Either he was totally oblivious or simply determined to get on with Jason no matter what, maybe to prove a point to Alicia.

  I had to suppress a smile.

  When I had loaded Will and Alicia into the car downstairs and said goodbye, I came back up to my apartment. In the elevator one of the neighbors, Mrs. Pennington, a lady who probably thought of herself as more important than she was, struck up conversation.

  ‘Is your sister moving out?’

  My neighbors only bothered talking to me when they were being nosey, I guess.

  ‘Yeah, she's gone to live with her boyfriend,’ I told her.

  ‘Oh!’ Mrs Pennington exclaimed. ‘Are you all on your own then?’

  ‘No,’ I smiled back. ‘My cousin's staying with me.’

  ‘Oh good,’ she said. ‘My daughter is about your age, you know. If you would like to meet her, just say. I'm sure she'd love to meet an eligible bachelor.’

  ‘Er, sure, maybe some time. See you later,’ I waved at her, getting off a floor early.

  Hell, I could walk up the next few stairs.

  So it was just me and Jason.

  Credit again to Alicia, she was right, he did seem a lot better once she had gone. Jason was less sulky, like his dark mood suddenly lifted. I was over the moon and relieved all at once.

  It was the perk I needed. Aaron commented that I seemed happier. I had to agree, I was. Work was easier now I could relax a bit. Some evenings I went to the gym but I always came home to Jason. It was what I'd wanted for so long and yet I still felt frustrated, like we were stuck in some sort of limbo. I wondered if he felt anything for me but I didn't want to push or upset him.

  One thing that surprised me was that Jason got on really well with Maria, who still came in the afternoons to clean the apartment. Jason was worse than Alicia for leaving a mess, so it was more than necessary. Sometimes Maria would still be there when I got home, and they'd be chatting.

  It was surprising, and I wasn't quite sure what they found in common. I mean, everyone loved Maria, she was bolshie and funny. A comedienne without realizing. But I was surprised that Jason liked her so much.

  When I came home one time after not bothering with the gym, I could hear them laughing. I hadn't heard Jason laugh, not for years. It was encouraging, although I felt jealous of their relationship. He seemed very relaxed in her company, maybe because she was so maternal. I knew it was childish but I couldn't help feel left out.

  When we were alone one evening, watching TV, I got a call from AJ.

  I'd sent them some more toys and baby clothes for Kitty, he was calling to say thank you. We had a quick chat but AJ could tell I wasn't talking as freely as usual.

  ‘Ohh,’ he said, laughing down the phone. ‘He's there, isn't he?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied, hoping Jason hadn't heard.

  ‘Well, tell him I said hi!’

  ‘Will do, talk soon.’

  As I hung up, I could feel Jason's eyes on me before I even looked up.

  ‘Was that AJ?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I admitted, feeling a storm brewing but not quite sure why. ‘I sent some toys for their baby, he was just saying thanks.’

  Jason rolled his eyes in response, then went back to the TV. I thought that was the end of it but a few minutes later, while Jason must have been quietly steaming, he started up at me.

  ‘Why are you being so nice to him?’ he said, accusing.

  I blinked in surprise. ‘Um, I guess because he was my friend. He still is.’

  Jason was incensed at this. ‘You know he was a real jerk to me?’

  ‘Hmm,’ I said, not knowing how to go about this. ‘Well, that's all a long time ago now.’

  Jason scowled. I knew this was going to escalate so I settled into the couch more.

  Might as well get comfortable.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ he said in a tone that was less of a question and more of a demand.

  ‘Sure,’ I agreed easily.

  ‘Why did you always take his side?’

  I turned my head to look at him, confused. ‘Huh?’

  ‘You always took his side!’ Jason snapped at me suddenly. ‘No matter what, if anything happened you immediately blamed me and took his side!’

  ‘Hey, whoa, hang on,’ I said, sitting up a little.

  This looked like it was going to require a lot more concentration than I'd been prepared for.

  ‘Which times exactly are you talking about?’

  ‘All the time!’ Jason complained. ‘I want to know why you always took his side. What did he say?’

  ‘Wha-?’ I racked my brains to try and figure out what he was referring to. I knew the relationship between him and AJ had always been a little weird, volatile even, but I didn't really know why.

  ‘Come on,’ Jason folded his arms. ‘What did he tell you about me?’

  I shrugged, completely lost. I didn't know where this had all come from.

  ‘Not a lot,’ I said, which was true at least. ‘He hinted that you and him were...’ I waved my hand absently, not knowing how to phrase that. ‘...but you didn't get on so good. And that was that.’

  Jason was still frowning. ‘That's all? I don't believe you. I know he was bitching about me the whole time to everyone else, trying to get everyone to hate me.’

  I thought Jason was being more than a little paranoid about that. Also, he did a pretty good job of upsetting people all on his own, but I decided to keep that to myself. Selfishly, I didn't care how he treated a bunch of other kids, I never had. As long as he kept seeing me.

  I shrugged again. ‘News to me,’ I sighed.

  ‘And I bet he never told you,’ Jason continued, ‘that we were going together when I first transferred? The reason we stopped was that he was still seeing Cat but didn't tell her about us. I told him he should tell her or I wasn't interested. But he wanted everything his own way.’

  I stared at Jason, surprised. He still seemed pretty agitated.

  ‘No, he never mentioned that.’

  ‘Yeah, I thought so. And you're telling me you never noticed he was always trying to steal you off me?’

  His words sent a rush of warmth through me. It was almost like he was saying I was his, and I liked the sound of that. I tried not to smile, as I knew it wasn't the right time.

  ‘I did notice,’ I said softly.

  ‘And did he tell you it was his idea I moved in with them after high school?’ Jason went on. ‘He wanted us to go back to sneaking around, not telling Cat. And because I wouldn't do that suddenly I'm the asshole.’

  Again, I was taken aback. But I had to wonder how much truth was in anything that Jason or even AJ said about their strange relationship. It was just one of those things; it never worked, and only left them both frustrated. Whatever they had together was totally different to what I had with Jason. Aside from the light taunting and minor bickering we had rarely argued.

  ‘You're not an asshole,’ I told him. ‘And all that doesn't matter. Me staying in contact with him and his family doesn't change anything between you and me. It never has, and it never will.’

  Jason frowned sulkily for a moment before getting up to stomp off to
the kitchen.

  I realized that this was a topic we would never agree on, so I made sure not to bring it up if I could help it. If Jason threw a tantrum whenever AJ called for me, there wasn't much I could do about that. I wasn't going to cut off contact with AJ, he was the only friend I spoke to from high school.

  I had to admit as well, when I realized that Jason was jealous of this I did feel a little better about myself. It was nice to know he didn't want anyone else to have me.

  In total, it took about two months for Jason to settle down and return to something like his normal self. He was never quite the same again, and I felt that was my fault.

  If I'd never left perhaps I could have done something, changed how things turned out. But then I remembered what Blake always said, that some things happen for a reason. It offered a little comfort, but sometimes I wished I'd stayed in Ellwood.

  For two months, Jason holed up in my apartment. He looked a lot better, perhaps a little too skinny but his appetite hadn't really returned yet. His skin was clear and smooth again, although he did look too pale, even for him. I kept trying to entice him outside but he wasn't interested.

  ‘Maybe another time,’ he kept saying.

  I didn't want to push him but I didn't want him to wind up a recluse either.

  One night when I came home and found him in the kitchen pouring out juice, I did a double take. He'd cut his hair. It was shorter, hanging just below his shoulders in different lengths. Like when I'd first met him, the gorgeous layers of red that made me want to reach out and touch them. Back then I used to wonder if his hair felt soft. It was no easier now, because I knew the answer and remembered the feel of it in my fingers.

  ‘You cut your hair?’ I said, stating the obvious, staring at him.

  Jason didn't respond by rolling his eyes or a sarcastic remark like I'd expected.

  He simply nodded and said, ‘I used to cut it anyway. Thought I'd see if I remembered how.’

  I nodded back. I wanted to say I liked it but I didn't really want to open the floodgates right now.