The Price of Falling

by Tushmore, Melanie

I was a little pathetic later. In the restroom when I was brushing my teeth I looked down in the waste-paper basket and saw the locks of snipped off red hair. I stared at them for a long time, wondering if it would be weird if I kept them. I would've liked to but couldn't imagine what Jason would think if he ever found out. Which was more than likely, knowing my luck.

  Sadly, I left them there. I did bend down and reach in to touch a lock, to roll the softness of it between the pads of my fingers before I got a grip on reality. I was glad no-one saw me do that. I felt like I was starting to go crazy.

  Once Jason cut his hair, he definitely changed.

  He even ventured out for the first time; round the corner to Maria and Tony's store. I only found out when I came home and noticed the things he'd picked up. That became his routine, small grocery shops. After going over there most days to pick up the groceries, he started to stay longer. Apparently he even went upstairs to their apartment and had lunch with Maria and their daughter Sophia.

  Again, I tried not to feel jealous. I was pleased he was going outside. Even if he was hiding the scars on his arms under long sleeves and still wearing sunglasses in all weather. It didn't matter, I guess.

  Maybe he would even go out with me at the weekend. It would be good to get out at last. I tried to bring it up but when we were alone it was like he wasn't concentrating. I could feel some tension between us suddenly, and wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. It was only when I noticed Jason glancing at me while we watched a film that I realized where this was going.

  I suddenly lost my appetite for the pizza I'd been eating; my stomach felt like it was doing free fall.

  Later that evening I started getting ready for bed at eleven, as usual. I used to go to sleep earlier on my own but now I liked to stay up with Jason. He stayed up late to watch TV and often came to bed when I was already asleep.

  I brushed my teeth, stripped down to my boxers and got into bed. With the lamp off the only light came from between the blinds on my window, and the warm glow from the crack in the door I'd left ajar. I could hear the faint buzz of the TV in the other room but it never usually bothered me.

  Tonight, I couldn't stop going over things in my mind. Everything that had happened, everything that could happen and I desperately wanted to happen. Wondering if I should be doing more, doing less. What did he want me to do?

  The sound of bare feet across the carpet and the door softly opening was a welcome distraction.

  The TV was still on, I could hear. Jason had come into the room, pushed the door to and sat down on the bed next to me. My heart hammered; I pretended to be asleep at first, trying to will myself to be calm.

  ‘Mike, are you awake?’

  When I couldn't get myself together in time to answer, he added, ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Sure,’ I replied, curiosity winning out over my nerves.

  ‘Do you still like me?’

  I turned onto my back and looked at him in the dark. Jason very rarely talked about us. I knew what he wanted was reassurance, and since he was asking so directly I thought I may as well be honest.

  ‘Of course,’ I said, in as steady a voice as I could. ‘Nothing's changed.’

  I could see him nod slightly. ‘I knew that, I guess. I wanted to say thank you.’

  ‘OK,’ I whispered.

  I knew what that meant. I rose to sit up just as he leaned over me, catching him by the arms. I searched his eyes and the light dancing in them as I said, ‘You don't have to do that. I want you, but the only time we do this is if you want me too. Just for me, and not because you feel like you have to.’

  His eyes blinked at me in the dark. I wished I could see more, to see into those eyes. His face was calm, open. ‘I know,’ he said quietly. ‘And I do.’

  ‘Tell me,’ I pleaded.

  His eyes dropped. He didn't reply at first but then asked, ‘Do you still love me?’

  ‘Always,’ I answered, my fingers urgently pressed on his skin as I held him, automatically pulling him closer. ‘And you?’

  He looked back up at me, so close. My arms wrapped around him, one hand snaking up round his neck, thumb brushing his cheek. His eyes closed to me for a moment as he relaxed into my touch.

  ‘I love you too,’ he said softly. He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, tentative, unsure. My body reacted instantly. With my final moment of clarity I pulled back just enough to say, ‘If you kiss me now I'm not gonna stop.’

  My fingers still pressed his skin, urging him on. He didn't reply in words but nodded once and melted into me again. I sighed against him, pulling him down onto the bed and rolling him under me. I kissed him for the longest time, feeling close to bursting, I had no idea how I'd lived without this for so long. I'd almost forgotten how my heart would feel like it was swelling and breaking all at the same time the closer I was to him. I wanted this one person more than anything, I couldn't stop myself now. I simply devoured him and like all those times before, he let me.

  Although this time I noticed, somewhere in my senses that weren't drowning in his taste, his scent, something was different. Before, I remembered Jason allowing me to do what I wanted but he always felt distant, like it didn't matter to him if I carried on or not. If I had kissed for too long he would turn away or simply push me off. I kept expecting this now but he only kissed me back. I was the one who had to break away to breathe.

  His hands were on me, pulling me closer, caressing. I had missed him so much. The familiar soft touch of his skin, the shape of his body curved up against mine, I'd missed it all. I knew what he wanted, or what he wanted to let me do. I didn't know if it was a good idea but I was too weak to stop. Clothes peeled away, our bare skin brushed together as my heart pounded. I kissed my way down the pale skin of his stomach, tried not to think about the last time we did this.

  Nothing was in our way now. I wanted to show him how much I missed him, how grateful I was he was giving me another chance. Kissing over the smooth, sensitive skin of his hip bone and feeling him shiver I opened my lips, sliding my mouth down his length. He made a whimpering noise as I worked him, licking and mouthing him to release.

  I didn't think about it, I did as I always had before and swallowed; it was all his flavor, the most intimate part of him. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong until he told me I shouldn't have.

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Well...’

  ‘Oh,’ I realized. ‘I'm sure it's alright, all your test results have been fine.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said quietly. ‘Well, just put on a condom, yeah?’

  My breathing suddenly increased. ‘Are you sure?’ I asked, although I was already leaning towards the night stand. ‘I mean, are you sure you want to?’

  Jason nodded, his eyes never leaving me.

  I did as he asked, with slightly shaking fingers I couldn't get the condom on quick enough. Our eyes were locked as I made to move closer and he opened his legs, allowing me to sit between them. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm my nerves, running my fingers gently up his thighs, resting them on sharp hip bones. He laid down as I lifted his hips onto my lap, inhaling sharply when I pushed into him. I tried to keep it slow but had trouble holding back.

  This was everything to me; yes, I had tried it with other guys...but it was never the same. The only time I had ever felt this good was with him. That feeling only came when I had him pinned beneath me as I thrust into that tight heat, gazing down as he moaned for me, for me only.

  He said my name. I gasped in surprise and asked, ‘Again.’

  I had always loved it when he said my name, it did something crazy to me. As he said it again for me I could only groan in response. It still had the same effect and I couldn't stop myself as I came inside him.

  I was disappointed I hadn't lasted longer but I hadn't been with anyone for three months, or with him for four years. ‘I'm sorry,’ I said, leaning down to kiss his mouth.

  Again, he didn't push me away.

  In be
tween kisses I breathed, ‘I’m not that fast all the time, I'll make it up to you. I'll do whatever you want.’

  ‘Tell me something,’ he asked, eyes searching mine in the dark.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Why do you love me?’

  I swallowed, instantly embarrassed. ‘Er...’ I pulled away and moved to his side, settling down in the bed. I wondered how long I could delay my answer by pretending to get comfortable and arrange the covers around me. I wasn't used to all this open talking with Jason. Our brief exchange earlier admitting our feelings was more than I'd ever expected from him.

  He waited for my answer, laying on his side and looking at me.

  ‘Um, I don't know, I just do,’ I offered weakly.

  He didn't buy that. I could see his slight frown, even in the dark.

  ‘I need to know,’ he said firmly. I knew by his tone that if he didn't like my next answer he'd more than likely get annoyed with me.

  ‘Alright,’ I sighed, rubbing my hand across my face. ‘I think that first time I spoke to you, I knew. It's only grown since then. It's...not one thing, it's everything about you. I just need you. And that's it.’

  I glanced at him to try and see his reaction, if it was enough. Jason didn't reply but I was sure I saw him smile before he shifted closer to me and buried his head in my shoulder. I waited for a response from him but then realized he intended to go to sleep. I felt like rolling my eyes, not that he would notice. I had to sneak out of the bed to get up and turn off the TV and all the lights that he'd left on.

  When I climbed back into the bed I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. I half expected his hand to swat me away but he only murmured something and pressed himself closer to me.

  That night I slept better than I had in years. I finally felt as if everything was in its place at last. I slept holding Jason now, every night, and I felt better knowing he was there.

  Well, most of the time I held him, unless he grumbled at me that I was making him too hot and banished me to the other side of the bed. It was never for long though. I think really, he liked to know I was there too.

  Epilogue

  ‘I want to change my last name,’ Jason brought up one evening.

  ‘Your name?’ I repeated, taken aback. ‘Why?’

  He shrugged, as if it was no big deal. ‘I don't want to be attached to a family I have nothing to do with.’

  I had to nod in agreement. I knew all too well how he felt.

  ‘Ok, so what you gonna change it to?’

  His eyes drifted up to mine briefly before he pretended to look at the TV Guide.

  ‘I thought I'd use Miller. If you insist on telling everyone I'm your cousin. Do you mind?’

  I smiled instantly at the prospect yet decided to tease him. ‘But cousins don't always have the same surname,’ I said innocently.

  Jason snapped the TV Guide closed with barely disguised frustration. I wasn't entirely sure if he had stopped bothering to be as manipulative as I remembered or if I was just better at reading people, reading him. Either way, these days I could tell when he wanted something.

  Occasionally I was mean and didn't play along.

  ‘Yes, but,’ he said, almost but not quite nonchalant. ‘It would make more sense. No-one believes we're cousins anyway.’

  ‘Yes, they do,’ I defended. ‘If Maria and Tony do then anyone else would.’

  Jason fixed me with a withering look. ‘Maria knows, Mike.’

  I was stunned. ‘What? How?’

  He shrugged. ‘She asked me. I didn't want to lie to her.’

  ‘What?’ I panicked. I couldn't believe Maria knew! Worst of all, she didn't tell me that she knew!

  It was like coming out to your aunt without knowing you'd done it.

  ‘Mike, she knew anyway. She just asked me, so I said yes. She doesn't care. She did say not to tell Tony though,’ Jason smiled.

  ‘Really?’ My heart, which had started hammering, began to slow. ‘She didn't mind?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Oh. Well,’ I sighed. ‘I wish you'd told me.’

  ‘I'm telling you now.’

  ‘You're a bit late,’ I countered.

  Jason only responded by dramatically rolling his eyes.

  Before when we used to bicker I felt I could only sit there in frustration, not able to get my point across. Now, as we were essentially a couple, I could do things like reach over and pull him towards me. I was still stronger by a mile but he never resisted anyway. I'd pull him in and cover his mouth with mine, just like I did now.

  I may not always have had the upper hand when it came to words but I found I could make him submit in other ways. I could silence that sharp tongue with my own, those green eyes would close as he kissed me back. This was the only way I could get what I wanted, or win an argument. If we kissed for too long it would always lead to more.

  Not that I ever heard him complain.

  ‘Take my name then,’ I said against his lips. ‘If that's what you want.’

  He only smiled in reply but it was enough for me.

  Obviously I had to do all the work by getting the official papers he needed to change his name. I didn't mind. I was touched that he wanted my name; the gesture was bigger than anything he could ever say to me.

  So on August 30th as he signed the papers, we said goodbye to Jason Shaun Reilly. Now it was Jason Miller.

  ‘Don't you want your middle name?’ I had asked.

  He had wrinkled his nose at me and shook his head.

  So, Jason Miller it was. My Jason.

  Our first outing together (although not in that sense) was a trip to the record store. I should have known that was what would entice him outside eventually. Instead of asking him to come for a walk in the park all the time I should have simply suggested we go shopping for CDs and tapes.

  I would have taken the day off work for the occasion so we didn't have the weekend bustle to contend with, but it was August. The kids were all off school and everywhere was pretty busy. Not the best of times for your first trip out, and I worried Jason would start panicking like he'd done at the airport.

  He seemed alright though; he was wary of people being near him but overall he managed pretty well. I followed him round the aisles in the store as he browsed, handing CDs over his shoulder for me to carry. As I held the ever growing pile of plastic cases I glanced at some of their covers. Still didn't recognize anything.

  This was definitely not the sort of music Ryan and the others listened to either.

  I was pleased with our first outing. We had a few more small trips like that, eased him into going out more. I guess our proper 'outing' was when I finally got to introduce Jason to my friends.

  Ryan had been desperate to arrange it. I put it off as long as I could, feeling like the last thing I wanted to do was scare Jason back into being a recluse. I probably shouldn't have worried about that; if anything he seemed restless. That made me worry for different reasons. I was both pleased and sweat-breakingly nervous about Jason and Ryan meeting.

  Ryan could be very excitable and liked close contact with people, I couldn't help but worry. I had told him to try reining it in, explaining that Jason hadn't been well or seen a lot of people lately.

  ‘What's wrong with him?’ Ryan had asked. ‘It's not contagious is it?’

  ‘No, not at all. But he's shy, so like, don't go crazy.’

  Ryan stifled a laugh. ‘I'll be an example in decorum!’

  ‘I mean it,’ I warned. ‘Tell Sam, too.’

  ‘You tell Sam,’ he countered.

  ‘He'll listen to you.’

  ‘I doubt it!’

  I sighed. I really was expecting the worst. Ryan had suggested meeting in a whole host of bars that I vetoed until we decided on Pinky's. I'd chosen it because it wasn't small or claustrophobic but spacious and airy. The décor was verging on being too camp, all neon glow and pink flamingos, but I wasn't worried about that. I knew if we went early enough in the evening it wo
uldn't be too busy.

  When we walked in Jason looked about with a frown then turned to me.

  ‘This place looks awful,’ he stated bluntly.

  ‘I know, but it's quiet,’ I explained. I took his hand gently and guided him through the bar.

  We never usually touched in public, I think we were both still too shy but in here it didn't matter.

  It was like another world.

  I could hear Ryan and the others before I could see them, and headed over to their table. Ryan spotted us and got up to wave.

  ‘Hey, Mike!’

  My fingers around Jason's hand curled a little tighter in reflex. Here we go, I thought, approaching their table first. My body was in between them and Jason, like I was subconsciously trying to protect him. They had all gotten up to say hello; Ryan, his boyfriend Marty, our friends Danny and Pete. Sam was there too, with Belinda and Scott from the salon. Our little group.

  Usually when I saw them they'd fuss over me. I'd figured that was down to me being 'new'. I'd only slept with Ryan, which was apparently chaste for their crowd. I was pretty sure a few of them all slept together at different times. I didn't even try to keep up.

  Tonight, they near pushed me aside to get to Jason. All I could do was watch and hope he didn't get annoyed.

  ‘Hey there!’ Ryan had pressed to the front to introduce himself. ‘Pleased to meet you, at last. We thought Mike was making you up,’ he smirked.

  ‘Oh my!’ Sam squeezed past and reached his hands up to stroke Jason's hair. ‘I love it, sweetie, you look gorgeous. The things I could do though, you should really let me cut this for you.’

  ‘Sam's my hair-dresser,’ I explained quickly, noticing the look on Jason's face. His eyes found mine and I could tell he wasn't comfortable.

  ‘OK, guys,’ I said calmly, moving in to separate them. ‘Shall we sit down?’

  I guess the first meeting went as well as it could go. Jason was the shyest I'd ever seen him, a million miles away from the arrogant seventeen year old I had first met. My friends all asked him a load of questions some of which he answered, others he just looked lost.