His Risk

by Shelley Shepard Gray

Andrew chuckled quietly on the other end of the phone. “I can understand that,” he replied, his voice easy again. “You know, I probably don’t need to tell you that we don’t get to make too many calls like this to our informants.”

  “Oh? What usually happens?” The moment he asked, he wished that he could take back his words. Did he even want to know what could have happened to him?

  “Usually, our informants can’t figure out how to switch their loyalties. Then they can’t figure out how to make better decisions.”

  “I’m sure it ends badly for them.”

  “Yeah, it does. I like you, Calvin. I’m not going to lie. At first I thought you going undercover was a terrible idea. However, you surpassed my expectations. You have grit and character.”

  “Thank you.”

  Andrew paused. “Look, I know we’re going to be meeting again several more times to get the evidence and information we need to take down the rest of the gang, but let me tell you this now. Keep my number. If you ever need me, or if you ever want to do more work for us in the future, give me a call or email me.”

  “I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to go undercover again.”

  “All right. But maybe you can do something more than that.”

  Calvin was pretty sure Andrew was talking about being an actual employee of the DEA. “That’s an option?”

  “I think so. No promises, but if you ever aren’t opposed to putting on a uniform, I think you might find that you’ve got a place with us.”

  A few moments later, Calvin hung up feeling like he’d just entered someone else’s life. Had that really just happened? Had Andrew just encouraged him to work for the DEA?

  After tossing his phone on the sheet beside him, Calvin lay back down.

  With some surprise, he realized he had a headache. He closed his eyes, hoping for sleep, but instead of rest, all that came to mind was the memory of what had happened long after Alice, her family, and the majority of the bystanders had left.

  A van had arrived with divers on loan from the Louisville P.D. They’d come to retrieve West’s body.

  Even after multiple people—Sheriff Brewer included—had encouraged him to leave, Calvin sat down on a rock and watched. He couldn’t bear the thought of West’s body being pulled out with only strangers surrounding him. He deserved far better than that.

  After Deputy Beck pressed a thermal cup of hot coffee in his hands, Calvin sipped the liquid and watched the divers stride out across the ice, then dive into the hole in the middle of the pond. One by one they entered the water and disappeared into the pond’s dark depths.

  Feeling as if he was there with West, Calvin felt the cold surround him again. Felt the chunks of ice brush his skin. Breathed in water that tasted of algae and decay. Shivering, he’d inhaled deeply, then took another sip of coffee as he watched bubbles appear on the surface.

  Not ten minutes later, the divers rose. One of them held West by his chest, almost as if he was a wayward rag doll. Calvin made himself gaze at him.

  Though his face looked slightly swollen, the frigid temperatures had kept West from looking too terrible. His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted. He almost looked like he was asleep.

  Almost.

  Eventually, they dragged him onto a dinghy they’d pulled onto the ice.

  Sitting in bed, Calvin gasped, then started coughing. With a start, he realized he’d just now forgotten to breathe.

  He scrambled out of bed, thankful that he’d slept in a pair of Mark’s sweats. At least he wasn’t freezing in the chilly air of the house.

  Just as he slipped on a pair of thick wool socks, Waneta knocked lightly on his door. “Calvin, may I come in? I have some kaffi for ya.”

  He opened the door for her. “Did my phone’s ringing wake you?”

  “Of course not. It’s after eight.” Looking a bit pensive, she handed him the cup. “Here ya go.”

  “Thanks.” Gratefully, he sipped, studying her face. She looked a little pale and was watching him with big eyes. “You all right?”

  Crossing the room, she sat in the oak wooden rocking chair in the far corner. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

  He sat down on the end of the bed to face her. “I’ve got a headache, but other than that, I’ll be all right.”

  “Mark and me are tired, but I think we’ll be all right, too. Eventually.”

  There was so much honesty in her face, so much compassion, it nearly took his breath away. “Yesterday was a tough day.”

  “We were worried sick. Mark, especially, since he had to stay home while I went to Floyd’s Pond with Lora. It’s such a blessing that you weren’t injured or didn’t end up in the hospital.”

  “It is.” Deciding to be honest, he said, “I’m pretty rattled and upset about what happened. West, the man who died, wasn’t a good man, but he had good qualities. He didn’t deserve to die like that.”

  “Of course not. But he gave his life for all of you, so he didn’t die in vain.”

  “No, he didn’t.”

  Looking reflective, she said, “We didn’t want to press you too much last night, but we’d sure like to know more about what you were really doing.”

  “I’ll be glad to share what I can with you.”

  “Mark is really proud of you, Calvin. You did a very brave thing out there on the ice.”

  Calvin’s first instinct was to shake his head. But then Waneta’s words sank in and the tears came. He couldn’t remember another moment when his brother had been proud of him. “Thank you for saying that.”

  “It isn’t just words, Calvin. It’s the truth.” Hesitantly, she said, “When you are ready, I know your brother wants to tell you that himself.”

  He stood up. “Give me a few minutes and then I’ll be right out.”

  Looking pleased, Waneta walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his middle. “You mustn’t forget something, Calvin.”

  “And what is that?”

  “You are never alone, my brother. Not anymore. We’re your family.”

  His family.

  He realized then that she was absolutely right. He might have lost West, he might even have lost Alice, but he’d gained something, too. His brother. His own flesh and blood. Waneta, too. Never would he distance himself from them again.

  Their love, it was worth any risk. It was worth everything.

  Chapter 30

  Saturday, March 3

  She was home again. Back in her own bed. Two days had passed. Two nights as well. Forty-eight hours of tears and nightmares, gazing off into nothing, and wondering how Calvin and Irene were doing.

  And always, always trying not to think about West falling through the ice and John Yutzy bleeding on the bank of the pond. It didn’t matter how hard she tried not to remember, though. Every time Alice closed her eyes, the images flashed by, vivid and bright and awful.

  That would lead her to curling into a ball and crying.

  Two whole days had passed, but Alice thought she would have been able to handle things better by now. She wanted to feel better for her parents’ sakes, if no others’.

  As if they heard her thinking about them, her mother knocked on her door and stuck her head in without waiting for Alice to answer.

  When she saw Alice curled into a ball, her expression fell. “Ack. You having another tough day, child?”

  “Jah.” Struggling to sit up, she attempted to look at least a little brighter than she felt. “I’m sorry, Mamm. Every time I think about leaving my room, it seems like too much trouble. All I want to do is lie here.”

  “No reason to apologize, but we’re all worried about you.”

  “I know. It’s just been really hard, you know?”

  Her mother’s expression turned distant as she sat down beside Alice and rested a hand on her shoulder. “Oh, I know, child. Never in my life would I have ever imagined that such a scene would have happened here.”

  When her parents had met her at the pond, they
both enfolded her in their arms and brought her back home. She’d been too cold and shaken up to protest. Frankly, she’d been so happy to see them, she had wanted to be coddled a bit.

  But after she got home, took a hot bath and ate some soup, she realized she just wanted to be alone.

  Her parents tried to understand, but she knew they didn’t. It wasn’t in their nature to keep silent. They wanted to know every bit of what had happened.

  She began to realize that they thought of it all as rather exciting. And while they didn’t offer any criticisms or judgments, she resented their need to know everything.

  It felt too fresh and raw.

  She still felt that way.

  “I actually came here to tell you that you have company.”

  “Who is it?”

  “Calvin Fisher.” Her mother’s expression turned pinched. “I almost sent him right on his way, but then I thought that you might want to speak to him.” Before she could answer, her mother added, “If you’d rather not, I can tell him that. I don’t mind.”

  Alice didn’t need to be a mind reader to know that her mother wanted her to stay far, far away from Calvin Fisher. She would probably be right, too. After all, her brief, intense friendship hadn’t exactly brought her a lot of happiness.

  But one thing overruled everything.

  “Mamm, Calvin saved my life. Of course I want to see him.”

  Her expression fell. “Of course. We are grateful, but perhaps you should wait until you are feeling better?”

  “Grateful? Mamm, Calvin saved my life.” She got off the bed. “Please tell him that I’ll be right there.”

  Her mother got up slowly. Walking to the door, she clasped her hands tightly in front of her. “Alice, I’m sorry, but I’m just going to say this. Just because some people do good deeds, it doesn’t mean they are good for us.”

  Alice couldn’t disagree with that statement. But she didn’t think it made any difference. What mattered was how she felt. She could practically feel the Lord whispering into her ear, reminding her that it was not her place to judge. What mattered was what was in her heart.

  “Mamm, all I can say is that I know you are right.”

  She relaxed slightly. “Then?”

  “But then, my heart is telling me that it doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong.”

  She nodded. “I’ll go tell Calvin you’ll be right out.”

  “Danke.” When her door was closed tightly again, Alice unpinned her dress and slipped on a fresh blue one. Then she smoothed her hair as best she could and put on her second-best kapp. The one she’d had on was sorely wrinkled. For a moment, she gave in to vanity and wished that she had a mirror in her room. There was one in the bathroom, but she didn’t want to run down the hall to check herself. That would be too much.

  She ended up reminding herself that her looks were not what was important. Just as Calvin’s appearance wasn’t what drew her to him, either.

  She hoped by the time she met him in the living room that she would actually believe that. After all, Calvin Fisher, with his dark hair and amazing eyes, was still the most handsome man she’d ever met.

  All thoughts of her looks faded when she walked into the room. Her parents were sitting side by side on the couch staring at Calvin, who was sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in the room—a dark wood monstrosity of a chair, all hard wood and planks.

  To her knowledge, no one sat in it unless there were no other options.

  Here he was, obviously treading someplace where he wasn’t exactly wanted, seated in an uncomfortable chair, stared at by her father—and how did he look?

  Her father looked as if he was completely at ease and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

  “Alice,” Cal said as soon as he saw her. Immediately, he got to his feet and strode over to her. Then, as if he didn’t realize her parents were standing there—or maybe he simply didn’t care—he reached for her hands. “How are you?”

  She was so taken off guard, she let him. Then she was glad she did. His hands now felt familiar intertwined with her own. She loved how rough his calluses were, how he held her hands securely but without any force. There was no doubt in her mind that if she tugged on her hands, he would release them immediately.

  Raising her head to meet his eyes, she realized that she hadn’t replied. “I’m okay. And you?”

  “Me? Oh, I’m fine.”

  She hated how he was surprised that she would ask. Suddenly hated that he wasn’t going to tell her the truth.

  But maybe it was up to her to be the brave one for once. “It seems that we’re both choosing to lie, then.”

  “Alice!” her mother chided.

  Which brought them back to the present.

  Looking down at their joined hands, she squeezed lightly. “Would you like to go to the back hearth room to talk? We could have some privacy there.”

  “That probably ain’t the best idea, Alice,” her father said.

  Finally, pulling her hands out of Calvin’s, she turned to face her parents. Her father was still sitting, but her mother was hovering at his side, looking vaguely like a sparrow eager to be of assistance but unsure of what to do next. “If I was John or Edward, you wouldn’t be acting this way. You would be giving me the privacy I deserve.”

  “You are not them,” Mamm said. “You should be chaperoned.”

  It was such a ridiculous statement that Alice grinned. “Yesterday, I almost died in the middle of Floyd’s Pond. Don’t you think my reputation is the last thing we need to be worrying about?”

  “Hush, now, Alice,” Calvin murmured. “Let’s just go to the other room.”

  “You know what? Let’s go to your house. I suddenly have a need for space.”

  Calvin darted a look at her parents, then shook his head. “That isn’t the way I want to do things. I don’t want to disrespect them that way.”

  At last her father lumbered to his feet. After rubbing his palms down his pant legs, he held out a hand to Calvin. “You are a good man, Calvin. Thank you for thinking of us right now. And thank you also for putting your life on the line for our Alice.” With a sigh, he turned to her. “Alice, you’re exactly right. You are a grown woman and we should be treating you as such.”

  Not daring to look at her mother, Alice hugged her father. “Danke, Daed.”

  After kissing her brow, he stepped back. “I put a log and kindling in the hearth room earlier but never started the fire. Maybe one of you could do that.”

  “I’ll take care of her,” Calvin said quietly.

  Alice felt a lump form in her throat, knowing that Calvin was speaking about so much more than just that afternoon. When he gestured to her to lead the way, she did just that.

  Then, in the back room, she lit a kerosene lamp while Calvin knelt down in front of the fireplace, struck a match, and gently coaxed a roaring fire.

  “You have a way with people,” she commented.

  He chuckled. “I think I’m just used to fitting in with others.” After a second, he said, “I mean, I’m used to fitting in with people who want me to fit in with them.”

  She realized that wasn’t always the case. Remembering when he’d told her how hard his childhood had been, she felt embarrassed that she’d gotten upset with her mother for being so overprotective of her. “I guess you think I take a lot for granted.”

  Sitting down on the couch, he lifted an arm and rested it on the back of it. “All I’m thinking about now is how, at last, I can get you to sit down next to me. What’s it going to take, Alice?”

  She might have felt a little insecure. Maybe felt a little bit bashful. But she would never make him ask twice. She took a seat, enjoying how it felt to be next to him in the cool room. Appreciating how it felt to have his arm around her.

  “How are you, really?”

  “I’m having trouble sleeping. Every time I close my eyes, I think of what happened.”

  “I’ve been doing the same thing.”

  �
��Truly?”

  “Of course.” He stared at her. “I don’t know how to get over something like that. Do you?”

  Feeling even more unsure, she shook her head. A dozen questions came to mind, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask any of them. They all felt too personal. Or maybe too invasive?

  Whatever the reason, she elected to remain silent.

  He shifted. “Alice, I don’t know what to do about us.”

  “Is there still an us?”

  “I hope so. I want there to be.” His gaze rested on hers again. “I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  Alice couldn’t remember if anything in her life had ever sounded so sweet. But though his statement was wonderful, it didn’t make her feel as secure as she would have hoped.

  Why was that?

  After a couple of seconds, Calvin shifted. “You act surprised. Did you really not realize how I felt about you?”

  “I knew you cared.” She swallowed. “I care about you, too.”

  He smiled slightly. “Well, caring is something. Ain’t so?”

  Alice folded her arms around her middle. Everything inside of her wanted to proclaim her love for him, and promise to be by his side no matter what their future had in store. But what if she wasn’t strong enough to do that?

  “Calvin, as much as I care for you, I’m also feeling confused.”

  His body next to hers relaxed a bit. “I’m not surprised about that. You thought I was someone really different.”

  “I don’t know if the person I thought you were and who you seem to be now are that different. I liked you then, even when I thought you were bad for me.”

  “And now? Do you still think I’m bad for you?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know how to trust you again.”

  “Would it matter if I swore to you that I wouldn’t lie to you anymore?”

  Could it really be that simple? Could one promise that dozens of lies didn’t count anymore? She wasn’t sure.

  Staring at him closely, she saw a yearning in his eyes. A vulnerability that spoke to her own heart. He’d already been through so much. His terrible childhood, losing his parents, living on the streets, working undercover. She wanted to make him happy.