His Risk

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“I know this might make me sound harsh, but I don’t know if I can believe that promise right now.”

  “I told you the reasons for what I did, Alice. I told you I didn’t have a choice. Why can’t you trust me now?”

  He sounded frustrated. Almost impatient with her. So different than the man who’d picked her up in his truck when she was walking home alone that first evening. So different than the man who’d told her to hide in her house when West first showed up. Who had spent a whole day helping her put her school to rights.

  Was the man who had done all those things the same person who was sitting next to her? Or had he been playing a role then, too?

  “I’m trying to trust you.”

  “Then trust me.”

  She wanted to . . . but if she’d learned anything over the last few weeks, it was that wanting something and being able to have it were two very different things. One couldn’t force the other.

  Taking a deep breath, she said, “Calvin, I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can simply accept things and move on. Maybe I need time?”

  “Time for what?” he asked, his voice impatient again. “To get used to the idea that I’m not in a gang? To get used to the fact that I love you?”

  She flinched. “Of course not. Of course I’m glad you aren’t in a gang. Of course I love that you love me.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “Maybe I need to make sure that the man I fell in love with is the man who is sitting by my side.”

  “It is. I’m still the same.”

  In a moment of clarity, she realized what was holding her back. All of the events that had just occurred had changed her.

  Just like how that awful night when she was seventeen had changed her, the events that occurred on Floyd’s Pond changed her, too.

  She couldn’t help but wonder if that was a sign. After her rumspringa, she’d tried to be so good. Maybe the recent events were a sign that she needed to continue to be careful.

  Holding out her hand to him, she said, “Calvin, I really do care about you. Actually . . . I think I love you, too. I’m just asking for some time. Can you give me that?”

  He clasped her hand between both of his and squeezed gently. “Yeah. I can give you that. But don’t give up on us. Will you promise me that?”

  Feeling better than she had in days, she nodded. “I can promise you that, Calvin. I won’t give up on us.”

  She just hoped that was the right decision.

  “BY THE EXPRESSION on your face, I’m guessing it didn’t go well,” Mark told Calvin when he walked into his brother’s kitchen.

  “You would be guessing right. She said she wasn’t sure if she could still trust me.” Rubbing a hand through his hair, he added, “Even though she said she thought she loved me, I think she’s not even sure if we have a future.”

  “She told you that she loved you?”

  Calvin nodded. “And I told her that I loved her. But maybe she’s right. Maybe that isn’t enough.”

  “She’s wrong.”

  Calvin stared at him in shock. “I expected you to tell me the opposite.”

  “Calvin, you’re my brother. I’m always going to be on your side. But in this case, after everything all of us have been through? I know she is very wrong. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns and bumps and disappointments.” He stood up. “Actually, there’s so much bad that isn’t our fault. So much that we have to put up with, sometimes I think it’s hard to believe that anything good can happen. But when it does, it’s worth grabbing ahold of.”

  “I’m worried Alice might not ever be able to forgive me for lying to her.”

  “But surely she likes who you are now?”

  “She does . . . but she still seems so confused. I just don’t know.”

  “Calvin, you can’t erase the past. We both know that.”

  His brother’s words were true. And even though they might seem harsh, they were exactly what he needed to hear. No matter how much he might want to change things with Alice, it wasn’t possible.

  “You’re right. I need to be the person it’s taken me twenty-four years to become. Plus, I haven’t told you this, but Andrew has hinted that I could have a long-time job with the DEA. I could become a man who makes a difference. I could be a man of honor.”

  “I think you already are. But if that happens, I know we would all be proud of you.”

  “So what do you think I should do?”

  “I think you should talk to Andrew and see what you need to do to be the man you want to be.”

  “And Alice?”

  “When things calm down, I bet Alice will come around.”

  “And if she doesn’t?”

  Mark winked. “I’ll have to start figuring out a way to show her that you’re a man worth fighting for.”

  Calvin was humbled by the things Mark was saying. A little bit skeptical, too. But then he thought of West and how he was willing to give up his life for Irene and Alice. And that was when he knew that he couldn’t give up a future filled with everything he’d ever wanted so easily.

  Anything worth holding on to was worth risking it all for.

  Chapter 31

  Thursday, March 15

  It had been two weeks since Irene had watched West die, and each day had felt like a carbon copy of the previous one. It didn’t matter what the weathermen said was happening, whether the skies were blue, filled with fog, or twinkling with snow and ice, it all felt dreary and gray to Irene. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t escape the feeling of emptiness that filled her heart and soul.

  Though, to be honest, she didn’t try all that hard.

  Instead, she concentrated on her job at Bill’s Diner and her faith. Both seemed to help her get through each day a little easier.

  She didn’t know if she had ever prayed so much before. The prayers seemed to help, at least momentarily. But then in the middle of the night, when she would relive the same episode again and again and again?

  She would wonder if the Lord had run out of answers for her.

  She’d begun to find comfort in herself. It seemed as if no one really understood her pain. Most of her friends had no idea just how close she’d been to West. And while this was a time when she might have leaned on Alice, Alice seemed to be fighting her own demons.

  That was why she didn’t know what to say to Calvin Fisher when he was waiting for her at the end of her shift. She’d heard that things between him and Alice were strained. She supposed that was to be expected, given that all of them had gone through a terrible ordeal. However, it still seemed like a shame. If the last month had taught them anything, it was that life was short and happiness was fleeting.

  After she collected her tips and gathered her cloak and mittens, she approached Calvin, taking notice of the dark circles under his eyes. “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself.”

  His voice sounded like sandpaper. “You hanging in there?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. You?”

  “About the same.” Suddenly feeling exhausted, she said, “Calvin, I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to help you with Alice. I have a feeling she just might need some space to process everything.”

  Calvin’s lips pressed together, but then his tension eased. “I didn’t come here to talk to you about Alice. I wanted to talk to you. Do you have time?”

  She really didn’t want to talk about West, but she couldn’t escape the pain in his eyes. “I have time.”

  He glanced around the empty diner. “How about we talk in my truck? I’ll drop you off at home when we’re done.”

  She wasn’t all that eager to be trapped in Calvin Fisher’s truck with him for an extended conversation at nine at night. But she did trust him. At least there was that.

  “All right.”

  When they got to his truck, he opened the passenger-side door for her and held out his hand to help her get up. She didn’t accept his help. Doing so would have reminded her too much of West.
/>
  Immediately, he dropped his hand and walked to the driver’s side. They remained quiet as he pulled out of the parking lot. He turned down the highway and kept driving, passing all the rest of the side streets and exits for their area. She tried to care about where they were going, but she really didn’t. Instead, she made due with staring listlessly at the passing scenery.

  After another ten minutes, Calvin pulled into a motel’s parking lot.

  Suddenly uneasy, she turned to him. “What is going on?”

  “Oh, settle down,” he said with a tinge of impatience in his voice. “I meant what I said, I just want to talk to you. I was just going to drive around until we came to a park or something, but then I started thinking of this place. I thought seeing it might help you.”

  “Seeing this?” She looked out the window, finding nothing about the old motel with its faded paint, burned-out neon sign, stained walkways, and cracked parking lot that would help her at all. “What does the Hart Motel have to do with me?”

  “Maybe nothing.”

  “It absolutely means nothing to me.” Fearing that he’d mistaken her childhood poverty with loose morals, she lowered her voice. “Calvin, I don’t know what you think I’ve done, but I’ve never been here before.”

  “I have.” His expression turned bleak.

  And just like that, all the bluster went out of her. “You have?”

  “I was staying here the first time I came back to see my brother, Mark.” He cast a quick glance her way before looking out the windshield again. “You see, I had made a lot of mistakes and was paying the price. I was in deep with the Kings, but not in a good way.”

  “What other way is there?”

  “In a real bad way,” he said lightly. “You see, I’d been using.”

  “Oh, Calvin.”

  Still staring straight ahead, he continued. “I’d been gambling, too. I owed them money. A lot. I came back to Horse Cave to try to persuade Mark to sell the house so I could use the money to pay my debts.”

  “But he didn’t do that?”

  Calvin shook his head. “He not only didn’t do that, he put me in my place. He made me see myself through his eyes for the first time. I was pretty disappointed with what I saw.”

  Irene unbuckled her seat belt. “Calvin, I’m real sorry to hear about your past troubles, but what does it have to do with me?”

  “I ended up making a deal to work undercover for the DEA. They gave me money to pay my debts as long as I would report to them as much as I could about the Kings. And about West Powers.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “That I was only pretending to be a part of the gang. I was there to take down West. If I succeeded, they would have arrested him. He probably would have spent the rest of his life in prison.”

  Pain knifed through her, hating that the man she’d befriended had been used like that by Calvin. Hating that West had probably deserved such a future, too.

  It took her a moment to swallow around the lump in her throat, but at last she found her voice. “He’s dead now. I guess that suits your plan.”

  “In a way it does.” Wrapping his hands tightly on the steering wheel, he said, “Irene, you are probably the only person who might understand what I’m about to say. You see, I actually liked West. Even though he did a whole lot of bad, I knew him well enough to see the good parts.”

  “Truly?”

  “Oh, yeah. Knowing that I was one day going to be responsible for putting him in a federal prison for the rest of his life wasn’t easy for me to come to terms with.” He flexed his fingers before tightening them on the wheel again. “Even though I was supposedly working for the good guys, it still made me feel dirty.”

  “But you were going to do it anyway.”

  “I was. Not only did I owe the DEA for covering my debts, it was the right thing to do. West wasn’t all bad, but what he was doing, running guns and drugs, using force and intimidation to get his way? It wasn’t right.”

  She couldn’t deny his words, but to agree with him felt so hard. “He . . . He was kind to me,” she said hesitantly. “I felt like he liked me.”

  “I know West cared for you.” He paused, then said, “I also know that he didn’t know what to do about that. He didn’t want to disillusion you, but he couldn’t change who he was. He couldn’t have gotten out of that life if he’d wanted to.”

  Thinking about who West had been, and the future that had been in store for him made her heart hurt. “Being in prison would have changed him.”

  Calvin nodded. “I think so, too, Irene. It would have taken out the rest of the good and replaced it with all the bad. He had a lot of enemies, too. Someone probably would have killed him. Now? He died a hero.”

  Staring out at the broken-down motel, thinking of how desperate Calvin must have been when he’d been there, thinking how West had sat down next to her on that couch in her apartment and talked to her for hours—and how he’d saved them all from John Yutzy before dying—Irene felt her chest become tight. “I don’t understand how things like this happen. What is God trying to tell us?”

  “I’m not real sure, but I think it means that God hadn’t given up on him. He took West’s life early; that is true. But the West I knew wouldn’t have regretted it. I think he would like being thought of as a hero.” After he waited a moment, he added, “And maybe God was looking out for you, too, Irene.”

  “How so?”

  “If West was still a part of this world, well, you might have decided to do something that you would later regret,” he said slowly. “Now you can miss him. Be thankful for his friendship. Be grateful for him saving you. But not be ruined.”

  Tears were now falling down her cheeks. And as she felt them, she realized that Calvin’s story had pierced the fog that had cloaked her for the last two weeks. “Maybe God does have other plans for me.”

  “I kind of think He does. Irene, you and me aren’t all that different. We were born to people who didn’t know how to care for us, but we still grew and survived. We made mistakes that we regret. But instead of spiraling down, we pulled ourselves up. And now we have a future that is better than either of us ever dreamed.”

  “And we have Alice.”

  He smiled, the warmth filling his eyes. “That’s right. She’s a good friend to you. To me? She’s my reward for doing something right in spite of myself.”

  “I’m glad you came home. And I’m glad you came to get me today. Danke.”

  “Anytime. People like us? Well, we need to stick together.”

  Chapter 32

  Friday, March 16

  Good-bye, little scholars. I’ll see you next week,” Alice said as she waved to the last of her students as they walked home. She was proud of herself for getting through another day.

  Proud of herself for not crying. Proud of herself for not allowing herself to dwell on everything that had happened . . . or everything that had not.

  Amazing how the world continued spinning even when hers felt like it was slowly falling apart. Calvin had been true to his word. He was giving her time.

  But unfortunately for her heart, that also meant that she hadn’t seen him. At first, she just assumed that he was giving her space and was, no doubt, busy.

  But then she’d seen Neeta at Blooms and Berries and heard that he’d left town.

  Had he already grown impatient with her? Realized she was just a small-town girl and that they had nothing in common?

  Needing a break from the inside of her schoolhouse, she sat down on the front steps. Resting her elbows on her knees, she closed her eyes, breathed deep, and prayed.

  She prayed for West and for the soul of John Yutzy. She prayed for little Mary Ruth and for everyone who loved her, too. She prayed for Mark Fisher and his continual recovery, for her tiny scholars, and for her parents, her brothers, and their wives. Finally, she prayed for Irene and Calvin, asking the Lord to give them comfort and strength.

  Then, at last, she gave in and asked
Him to grant her those same things, too.

  She’d always felt like she shouldn’t ask for prayers for herself, but lately she was wondering if God was wondering why she didn’t think her needs were just as important.

  Maybe it was another thing to feel guilty about, but she poured her heart out to the Lord. At last asking for His help and guidance.

  Because the truth was that she missed Calvin. She had fallen in love with him.

  When she opened her eyes, she did feel a bit of peace.

  She sighed, stretching her legs out. She needed to get up and go back to her classroom, to put to rights and then head home.

  Just as she was attempting to do just that, a buggy pulled up and her brothers got out. Both of them, since Edward was now back from vacation. As she watched them approach, both so tall and handsome, happiness to see them warred with worry.

  Something had to be wrong. She couldn’t remember the last time they had both taken off work early enough to see her at school.

  New tension spiraled through her as she studied their expressions.

  As usual, Edward spoke first. “Hiya, Alice. What are you doing out here?”

  That was what he had to say?

  “I was just taking a little break after my students left,” she said as she got to her feet. “Why are you both here? What is wrong?”

  “Maybe we simply wanted to see our little sister,” John said.

  She noticed that the carefree words didn’t match the look of concern in his eyes. “At three in the afternoon? I think not.” Grasping at straws, she said, “Did something happen with Mamm and Daed?”

  “Nee. They are fine,” John replied as he sat down on the steps that she’d just left. “As usual, they are concerned about you.”

  “Me? I am fine, too.”

  Edward leaned against the banister. “Nee, I don’t think so.”

  She didn’t bother to deny it. “Why do you say that?” Before he could answer, she thought about all those days she’d been unable to get out of bed. Her parents had acted like they’d understood, but maybe they really hadn’t. “Did Mamm say anything?”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Mamm? Nee. Of course not. She is going to pretend you are fine as long as you are living at home, teaching school, and never doing anything out of the ordinary.”